It's been an upsetting day and I feel guilty because I lost my temper with my dad today on the phone. I swore at him and quickly ended the conversation, I said goodbye but I ended it abruptly. Dad is 69, he lives on his own and has vascular dementia. I am his sole carer but i work full time and I am trying hard but he can be frustrating. I have taken steps to ask for help from social services and dad is waiting for an assessment at home. he drinks far too much and is dependant on alcohol and it doesn't help matters. I love him dearly and I just want my old dad back. I feel so guilty and can't sleep for feeling so sad.
An upsetting and guilty day
- Thread starter Miss A
- Start date
we all have bad days I'm sorry yours has been so distressing and we usually take things out most on those we love, so please don't feel alone, just know we all understand and tomorrow is a new day
miss A there are good an bad days ahead! you are right drink wont be helping your poor dad but maybe he feels in some way it does. sooner you get the assessment done the better. sleep doesn't come easy when worries are whirling around in our head. my sister starts radiotherapy tomorrow and her husband is in nursing home with AD an VD. so sleep doesn't come easy for me either. godbless juniepoonie
Miss A, we have all been there, believe me. I usually managed to be patient with my dad when he became difficult or utterly illogical. Most of the time I would just say sorry for things I didn't do just to keep the peace, BUT, sometimes it would wear me down, like convincing Dad to take his tablets. He would ask why, tell me they weren't his, or there was nothing wrong with him. Sometimes I would lose it, and just tell him to take them because do said so, I would yell at him. Then after a second he would say "Sorry Mama," which is what he called me, and I would just fall apart with guilt because I knew he couldn't help it, and we would hug and I'd feel like the worst person in the world.
Sadly, this disease is so unfair and makes no sense at all, it lacks logic and sooner or later we all lose our temper. But you're not losing your temper with your dad, you're angry at the disease. Now, forgive yourself, he will have long forgotten by now and you're not a horrible person. You're a loving daughter caught up in the awful fallout of this dreadful condition. It's ok, you're a good person. Take care and forgive yourself.
Stephanie, xxx
Sadly, this disease is so unfair and makes no sense at all, it lacks logic and sooner or later we all lose our temper. But you're not losing your temper with your dad, you're angry at the disease. Now, forgive yourself, he will have long forgotten by now and you're not a horrible person. You're a loving daughter caught up in the awful fallout of this dreadful condition. It's ok, you're a good person. Take care and forgive yourself.
Stephanie, xxx
If I had a penny...
Hello Miss A,
If I had a penny for every time I lost my temper and shouted at my partner, Janet (Dementia), I'd be a wealthy guy! Let's face it, few of us are trained carers, are out of our depth and struggling to cope. I often give her a hug afterwards and apologise. It's pretty hard to stay calm when she's digging her nails into my arm whilst I'm trying to help her get dressed.
Best Wishes,
David
Hello Miss A,
If I had a penny for every time I lost my temper and shouted at my partner, Janet (Dementia), I'd be a wealthy guy! Let's face it, few of us are trained carers, are out of our depth and struggling to cope. I often give her a hug afterwards and apologise. It's pretty hard to stay calm when she's digging her nails into my arm whilst I'm trying to help her get dressed.
Best Wishes,
David
@lilysmybabypup
what comforting words at the end of a horrible day where I lost my temper. You are so right: I was not angry at mom, I was angry at the disease: these blank eyes looking at me, a hand keep pushing away the pills, another hand dipping in the bowl with milk. It was a bad day for mom and me. But as you said: she forgot the incident later. Or not:
I asked her later "was I mean to you?". She -unbelievable!- 'thought' for a while and said "No, you were not."
my God, we, carers, have so bad days sometimes, and feel guilty and bad. But we have to live with it.
what comforting words at the end of a horrible day where I lost my temper. You are so right: I was not angry at mom, I was angry at the disease: these blank eyes looking at me, a hand keep pushing away the pills, another hand dipping in the bowl with milk. It was a bad day for mom and me. But as you said: she forgot the incident later. Or not:
I asked her later "was I mean to you?". She -unbelievable!- 'thought' for a while and said "No, you were not."
my God, we, carers, have so bad days sometimes, and feel guilty and bad. But we have to live with it.
Miss A, please don't be upset, I've been there many times! Last week mum was mild mannered and even, it was easy to get her in the bath etc. Yesterday when I went over, Jekyll and Hyde were back!! I got angry, we had words, mum got upset. Driving home the guilt set in as it does. But we are too hard on ourselves. We are only human, and most times its borne out of frustration and upset for the people we love. xx
Your only human dealing with a disease we struggle to understand that coupled with alcohol would test the patience of a saint! I've quite often kicked myself for rushing or being impatient with my dad but given the pressures it's only natural.
Some time away may do you good - take a deep breath and tomorrow is another day!
T x
Some time away may do you good - take a deep breath and tomorrow is another day!
T x
Everyone is right tomorrow is another day. Try to pick yourself up and start afresh which believe me I know is hard 'cause us humans are good at beating ourselves up.
With regard to getting help from Social Services, have a look at the 'Trying to get help for mom' thread by BlueJellyBean. It might be that you need to act similarly for some prompt intervention.
Hoping you have a better day tomorrow.
With regard to getting help from Social Services, have a look at the 'Trying to get help for mom' thread by BlueJellyBean. It might be that you need to act similarly for some prompt intervention.
Hoping you have a better day tomorrow.
Thank you so much for all your replies, I cannot say how comforting your responses are and just reading them from people who are going through/have been through similar situations gives me strength. I have taken away a lot from your threads, I only hope I can help on this site too! I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a little while so am just catching up Xx
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Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app
