The invisibles

[copsham]

I always like to support "the invisibles" - sons and daughters who do not visit, pointing out that there may be a history of neglect or abuse in the family.

I have been diligently supporting my mother in a nursing home, whilst siblings rarely visit but I know that they suffered as children as did I and we all react in different ways.

Yesterday when I gave my mum a hug she actually returned the hug. It bought tears to my eyes because it was the first time in my life I had a hug from my mum and I am 63 yrs old!

What a weird and wonderful world we live in!!

 

[yoyo]

I always like to support "the invisibles" - sons and daughters who do not visit, pointing out that there may be a history of neglect or abuse in the family.

I have been diligently supporting my mother in a nursing home, whilst siblings rarely visit but I know that they suffered as children as did I and we all react in different ways.

Yesterday when I gave my mum a hug she actually returned the hug. It bought tears to my eyes because it was the first time in my life I had a hug from my mum and I am 63 yrs old!

What a weird and wonderful world we live in!!

well they say there is a first time for everything!! hope it made you happy - in my experience the invisibles can be very opinionated - My conscience is clear. hugs from me x

 

[Noorza]

I always like to support "the invisibles" - sons and daughters who do not visit, pointing out that there may be a history of neglect or abuse in the family.

I have been diligently supporting my mother in a nursing home, whilst siblings rarely visit but I know that they suffered as children as did I and we all react in different ways.

Yesterday when I gave my mum a hug she actually returned the hug. It bought tears to my eyes because it was the first time in my life I had a hug from my mum and I am 63 yrs old!

What a weird and wonderful world we live in!!

I am delighted that you have had such a wonderful experience even if you have had to wait far too long to have a hug from Mum. I could never judge siblings who act differently when mum hasn't managed to show them she loves them.

I hug my son every day, I tell him I love him every day, I mean it from my heart. Not to be able to do that is unimaginable. Yes he tells me I am embarrassing, my jokes are rubbish, to hide when I drop him at school, but to never hug him and him to not hug me, the thought is just so sad.

 

[Jaycee23]

Yes I can relate to that. I think about when I was little and cannot remember my mum ever cuddling me. She used to keep a belt to keep us in order but I cannot remember her using it on me. Maybe my brother got it but the fear of her using it was always at the back of my mind. We hid it once and she wanted it and went ballistic because she could not find it and kept asking my brother where he hid it. If I think about it she did not have a very easy life at all and am I wrong in thinking that when I was a child in the 60's were parents more reserved with being affection in case of spoiling the child? I was totally different with mine and like you Noorza I was always cuddling them and kissing them and telling them they were loved and they turned out very loving affection children/adults. They used to visit my parents and cuddle and kiss them even as teenagers and my parents lapped it up. Now my mum is affectionate and likes you to hug and cuddle her but then again she is always crying and out for affection. I sometimes wonder if that is the cause of my brothers narcasism but I am not like it so who knows. I think my mum had narcistic tendencies but she did love us and my brother does not love his children. His daughter gets married at the end of the month and she has invited us but not him. When I used to witness how my brother in law treats his children (he was abused) I could have cried but now his eldest is the mirror of him but the middle one I never heard speak as he was I think always worried about comeback. My eldest nephew grew up calling his mum (my sister) a f in cow and all sorts but was scared of his dad. We do not know the history of peoples different lives and experiences but I do think when we are adults we need to be responsible for our actions. I think if you suffered cruelty then it must be extremely hard. I have not thought my mum as cruel but lacked empathy sometimes and her personality had something to do with it.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Yes I can understand all of that.

My mother always preferred my sister (older) and I was always the one who was criticised for not being able to do this or that etc etc.

My sister emigrated in her early 20s taking her two children with her. It nearly killed my mother it was like a bereavement and I saw my father (he is not her father but adoped her) cry at the loss of the two grandchildren going abroad.

However where is my sister now when my mother needs care? Who is it that seems to spend most of her day doing something or other for the mother not to mention daily vists to get her fed - ME the one who could do nothing right

My mother will now say 'thank you for looking after me' as I leave but she may say that to her carers too.

However it wont be me with the guilt but then maybe she wont either.

 

[artyfarty]

I always like to support "the invisibles" - sons and daughters who do not visit, pointing out that there may be a history of neglect or abuse in the family.

I have been diligently supporting my mother in a nursing home, whilst siblings rarely visit but I know that they suffered as children as did I and we all react in different ways.

Yesterday when I gave my mum a hug she actually returned the hug. It bought tears to my eyes because it was the first time in my life I had a hug from my mum and I am 63 yrs old!

What a weird and wonderful world we live in!!

Must have been great to get that hug - sometimes you have to live in the here and now and appreciate those small moments.

My mum was passed around from aunt to aunt as a child as her monther had some unspecified mental illness (my mother would never talk about it) and I think, didn't get a lot of affection as a child. She also had a baby before me who died at birth and my mum once said to me that she tried not to get too close to me because it had been so painful to lose that first baby. I'm the oldest of four and she got more relaxed with each one afterwards. I do understand - I really do, how awful the experience must have been but as the next one to come along it's been really hard to see how much more affection she has had for the others - especially my youngest sister. The only time I've hugged my mum has been since she's been ill and got upset about something - so I'm the hugger rather than the huggee (if you see what I mean!). As we've never been close I am amazed to find I am the one caring for her - did she mold me that way? I could never do enough to please her so am I still trying?

Makes me shiver to think about it!

I only have one daughter but I give her a hug every day and tell her I love her all the time - we are very close - so I didn't get the affection from my own mum but I get it in spades from my daughter which is lovely.

 

[Dikimiki]

This thread

This thread is so sad, and since it actually has nothing to do with Dementia is ill-advised.

 

[Jaycee23]

Wouldn't be a different world if we had all grew up in a huggy one. Hugs cost nothing and also respecting someones personal space is very important. I remember growing up and someone saying to me you don't say thankyou or please! I never had parents who said please or thankyou, just orders so we are a object of our upbringing. I will add that I do have manners now!

 

[Lou99]

I always like to support "the invisibles" - sons and daughters who do not visit, pointing out that there may be a history of neglect or abuse in the family.

I have been diligently supporting my mother in a nursing home, whilst siblings rarely visit but I know that they suffered as children as did I and we all react in different ways.

Yesterday when I gave my mum a hug she actually returned the hug. It bought tears to my eyes because it was the first time in my life I had a hug from my mum and I am 63 yrs old!

What a weird and wonderful world we live in!!

My mum never hugged or kissed me until she got dementia - probably the only upside for us

 

[SallyPotter]

This thread is so sad, and since it actually has nothing to do with Dementia is ill-advised.

It has everything to do with dementia..... my father hugged me for the first time about six months ago, I was brought up with a stiff upper lip and the feeling that physical affection was bad, its only the dementia that made it happen but its a memory that I'll cherish.

 

[Fed Up]

So right Sally, Dementia / Alzheimer's have the occasional plus symptom. And really it is very well advised to take comfort where you can in looking after someone who now some inhibitions have gone, can show affection.
It is foolish to suppose that anything dealing with an expression of human emotion is ill advised. Comfort comes in many forms so take it where you can and enjoy it. My mum lost her paranoia and although confused became more open and friendly enjoying company. So for me her VD is not all bad, just another stage in her story of mental health issues.

 

[tropicbird]

So right Sally, Dementia / Alzheimer's have the occasional plus symptom. And really it is very well advised to take comfort where you can in looking after someone who now some inhibitions have gone, can show affection.
It is foolish to suppose that anything dealing with an expression of human emotion is ill advised. Comfort comes in many forms so take it where you can and enjoy it. My mum lost her paranoia and although confused became more open and friendly enjoying company. So for me her VD is not all bad, just another stage in her story of mental health issues.

Thank you - I tend to agree about there being plus sides as well as negatives when a loved one - my husband is one - gets dementia. I am comforted by the new pluses. They help me deal with the minuses every day. I hope I keep my marbles long enough to keep him safe at home with me, no matter what!

 

[SWMBO1950]

I agree Sally Potter!!

My mother was a fiesty, shouting and critical mother - now with dementia she is this grey haired little old lady! Complete change of character!

It has everything to do with dementia..... my father hugged me for the first time about six months ago, I was brought up with a stiff upper lip and the feeling that physical affection was bad, its only the dementia that made it happen but its a memory that I'll cherish.

 

[steffie60]

into the mixture

any acknowledgement from a parent is welcome especially such an affectionate one.

 

[Vesnina]

...
My mother will now say 'thank you for looking after me' as I leave but she may say that to her carers too.
...

If I am allowed a side comment...

I believe it is us we do what we do, not them, anyone at all.

Of course, we do our bests maybe for the benefit of someone,
but it is our taste, our views, our decision, our way of things...
how world should be arranged... we make it to be better..
in our opinions...

 

[SWMBO1950]

Sorry I do not understand where you are going with your comment or what you mean

If I am allowed a side comment...

I believe it is us we do what we do, not them, anyone at all.

Of course, we do our bests maybe for the benefit of someone,
but it is our taste, our views, our decision, our way of things...
how world should be arranged... we make it to be better..
in our opinions...

 

[Vesnina]

I am very sorry, dear, for not being clear enough. Maybe the idea is too cloudy.
I am happy I can do something for her, even when she does not recognize it.

 

[2jays]

I am very sorry, dear, for not being clear enough. Maybe the idea is too cloudy.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but my reaction to your post was

Meow!

 

[Vesnina]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but my reaction to your post was

Meow!

I am getting more and more lost in this thread... sorry...

 

[SWMBO1950]

???????????????????????????????????????

I am very sorry, dear, for not being clear enough. Maybe the idea is too cloudy.
I am happy I can do something for her, even when she does not recognize it.