Guidance Please

[george1965]

Hi, I have recently started caring for my MIL and FIL who moved in with us 2 years ago. Unfortunately my MIL has just been diagnosed with LB Dementia after she was having no end of problems which she hid fairly well. The problem that I am having is that my FIL is not handling the situation very well. He almost seems to feel that she has got this awful disease just to 'spite' him.

She is a wonderful caring woman who has always looked after her family first and foremost. However, I cannot understand how my FIL can be so awful to her and uncaring towards her making statements such as she is incompetent / stupid and an imbecile, even asking her to repeat what he has said to her. In my heart of hearts I feel that he is 'scared', she has never worked and always attended to his every need, now all of a sudden she needs his support and understanding and he very matter of fact states that he 'is not capable of dealing with this / he doesn't want to'.

I would like to think that this is just an adverse reaction to the diagnosis. He doesn't want any information on her condition, her medications and doesn't see that life should change to accommodate her illness.

I cannot understand this thinking, but maybe it is perfectly normal. Has anyone experienced this kind of reaction before and can anyone suggest how I can help??? I am at my wits end and have tried to include him in the diagnosis etc since I first had my concerns. My husband is handling this brilliantly but he will not say anything to his father as in his opinion 'it will only make things much worse'.

Sorry to ramble but just want to help this wonderful woman enjoy what she has left and hate to see her confidence eroded further on a daily basis.

Thank you
George

 

[BeckyJan]

I am so sorry to hear of this. In some ways its good your MIL is living with you so that you are there to support when obviously her husband does not or cannot understand.

I know this does happen sometimes as a sort of denial of what is a pretty awful diagnosis. I wonder if the MH Consultant or Team can offer any advice to you and maybe even talk to FIL to help him understand what this illness means both to the sufferer and those around her.

There are many factsheets on the AS website and is it worth getting FIL to read some of them. Here is a list and also just one that may get you (or FIL) started.
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200137
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=106

I hope that helps a little. Let us know how you get on and I am sure you will find much support and the benefit of others' experiences here.
Best wishes

 

[Noorza]

This really bounces off another thread which has discussed the attitudes towards mental health.


Children's and Adolescent's Mental Health Services (CAMHS) was only formed about 25 years ago, prior to that the children were highly strung, stroppy, difficult, naughty, bad, over anxious, they didn't thrive because no one understood them. I speak to people in their 70's who have never told people they share my son's symptoms and had dreadful childhoods hiding their OCD.

There's was an age where even the Queen's relatives who had mental illness were shoved away and hidden. If my son was born in my parent's day I dread to think what would have happened to him. Today he got the support, the CBT, the understanding of what children with OCD/ASD would need. Today he is doing fantastically well.

If my son were born in your FIL's day there would not be the understanding, the open discussion, the teacher's, the CAMHS professionals, the school nurses, the Special Needs Units who could educate the parents, who could educate the child, who could advise on how to manage and make the child be the best they can be.

In your FIL's day mental illness was still the tabboo that led to the queens relatives being hidden away, a form of shame, my mum can't bear for anyone not even herself to accept she's got dementia. They are from a different era.

We can't change that, we can only work with it. We can only try to make them understand there is no shame and that every achievement is a cause of greater celebration as it has been harder for them than for anyone else.

It's a generational thing, not all of the older generation are dinosaurs so far as mental health is concerned but some are and we have to understand the era they were brought up in.

 

[Austinsmum]

Ooh George, quite a tough conundrum. Sorry don’t have any solution but I feel for you. On the one hand I totally understand where Noorza is coming from with her explanation regarding why older generations cannot talk about mental health problems; but on the other hand, your FIL seems to be behaving in a totally selfish manner and that I would abhor.
Like I said, I feel for you and send you hugs and empathy. X

 

[tropicbird]

This really bounces off another thread which has discussed the attitudes towards mental health.


Children's and Adolescent's Mental Health Services (CAMHS) was only formed about 25 years ago, prior to that the children were highly strung, stroppy, difficult, naughty, bad, over anxious, they didn't thrive because no one understood them. I speak to people in their 70's who have never told people they share my son's symptoms and had dreadful childhoods hiding their OCD.

There's was an age where even the Queen's relatives who had mental illness were shoved away and hidden. If my son was born in my parent's day I dread to think what would have happened to him. Today he got the support, the CBT, the understanding of what children with OCD/ASD would need. Today he is doing fantastically well.

If my son were born in your FIL's day there would not be the understanding, the open discussion, the teacher's, the CAMHS professionals, the school nurses, the Special Needs Units who could educate the parents, who could educate the child, who could advise on how to manage and make the child be the best they can be.

In your FIL's day mental illness was still the tabboo that led to the queens relatives being hidden away, a form of shame, my mum can't bear for anyone not even herself to accept she's got dementia. They are from a different era.

We can't change that, we can only work with it. We can only try to make them understand there is no shame and that every achievement is a cause of greater celebration as it has been harder for them than for anyone else.

It's a generational thing, not all of the older generation are dinosaurs so far as mental health is concerned but some are and we have to understand the era they were brought up in.

Thank you for that insight. Much appreciated. Lilian

 

[george1965]

Thank you so much for your comments and helpful advice Tropicbird, Nooza, Beckyjan and Austin's Mum. I think you are so right about attitudes to Mental Health and the taboos of discussing. It is just heartbreaking to see that this sort of ignorance is alive and well - but having read so many of your lovely support messages to one and other (until I got up the courage to post myself) and I have learnt so many things. I feel more confident of facing the future. I just so wish that I could resolve this one issue - I can't force FIL to do anything, only make the offer.

When I first became worried about MIL I felt utterly helpless. There was nothing that I could do other than day to day practical help and making sure that she was referred to the OPMH dept. So whilst waiting I researched and read everything I could get my hands on from both the diagnosis perspective and also how we understand and help sufferers of this awful disease.

MIL is fortunate that we have got through the system quickly and she is now getting medical assistance. However, my husband and my little boy sat down and honestly discussed what was happening, how we could help, how we can support her and help her to feel loved and supported for as long as we can. We tried desperately to include FIL in the entire process - however he refused even to take her for medical appointments.

As I said I do get that he's scared, but he needs to step up to the plate. My husband and I both work during the day and my boy is at school so MIL is left alone with him.
She can't really escape the situation although she loves spending time with the dog and so she spends a lot of time with her just playing in the garden - the dog is wonderful I wish everyone with these horrid illnesses were able to spend time with animals - they don't care if they have been told the same thing fifty times - they just feel loved - Win Win situation.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and thank you Beckyjan for the links I will check them out now.

George
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[Linbrusco]

What was he like towards your MIL before diagnosis?

My situation is somewhat similar.
In the last 2 yrs Mum has been diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocyctic Leukemia, Bowel Cancer and now AD. Mum has been very fortunate with both the CLL and bowel cancer that no chemo or radiation treatment was necessary. Mum had bowel surgery though and she gets tired very easily.
But to Dad he makes no concessions whatsoever, and has pretty much always been like this.
Mum who has always done the housework, had home help after her surgery. Little did I know that while I was at work, Dad was sending them away telling him that he did the housework, when in reality Mum was still trying to do it, and her stitches got infected.
With the AD he constantly berates her and calls her names.
He makes fun of her because she can no longer cook, but in her mind she can and she does.

I have talked to him about Mum but he nods and agrees and then it goes in one ear and out the other.
Yesterday we had an AD key worker come out to see Mum & Dad.
She saw Dad on his own but with my sister.
She explained to him about Mums diagnosis an what to say and do when he got frustrated with Mums memory or repeating herself.
He says " I know what will fix it" and he disappears in his bedroom and comes back with a pair if boxing gloves on!
Dads the proverbial joker. I don't doubt for one minute he is in denial about Mum, he just cannot handle it one iota. Humour is his way of not coping with reality and has always been like this.

The sad thing is Mum is only at mild to moderate stage and I can see her having to go into a care home a lot sooner than need be, just because of Dads inability to cope with just the small things with Mum.

I'm sorry I have no solutions. I find the friction between my parents an Dads treatment of Mum worse at times than coping with Mums health and wellbeing.
My parents live in their own house behind ours, so I keep a very watchful eye over them.

 

[george1965]

Oh Linbrusco - your poor Mum so much to cope with and then you are trying to look after everyone as well!!!

To answer your question FIL was always the life and sole of the party. Very much playing the big man always entertaining, partying etc. He sounds a bit like your Dad by using humor and then again uses this approach or anger to deflect any conversations which centre on his behavior or the inappropriateness of his comments. He has always been selfish and unfortunately ended up making a very big mistake a few years ago, which had a huge impact on all of us but much more so for MIL and as a result her world was turned upside down. In hindsight it is at this point that she had another nervous breakdown and has just continued to slide downhill since then.

He is not a bad man but I think he feels enormous embarrassment for what he did, maybe an element of fear about what's going to happen to him and possibly guilt (although not certain he has experienced this particular emotion). I think that this coupled with absolute denial is how he is processing events and as a result is verbally taking it out on Mum. As you are more than probably all to aware, it is very difficult to see her in tears every couple of days and to watch this constant eroding of the person she used to be.

I know she isn't my mother, but I care about her deeply. No-one deserves to be treated like this under any circumstances. She must be scared out of her mind because her mother had dementia which by all accounts was long and drawn out and for a long time she cared for her mum even though she had forgotten who she was years ago. She know's all too well what's coming - I wonder how I would feel in her shoes - truly frightening

I tried to sit the family down when Mum was undergoing treatment earlier. I explained everything. My 8 yr old son asked plenty of questions and I fielded these to the best of my ability. However, FIL announced that 'he wasn't interested' and 'what on earth had he done to deserve this' (read wife with Dementia). Personally, I think that he is or has had a possible breakdown but we cant even get him to register with the local Dr and talking is a waste of time as he gets extremely verbally aggressive. MIL's good days are getting less and less and this has got to be playing a large part of the progression.

Hubby & I went with Mum to get her diagnosis and we spoke to the Dr about the situation. He tends to agree that maybe FIL needs to see a Dr himself but stated that we can't force him to do this. All we can do is support and educate - which is true but it hurts and it makes me so angry - can't imagine what it is like from your side.

Unfortunately, MIL has lost a lot of her abilities to do things. She is unable to cook any more, something that he loved. He is a big man who loves his food and she was the 'dutiful' wife who had the dinner on the table and the kids in bed when he came home (regardless of the time??). She seems to have spoiled him rotten and he's never had to do anything for himself. It's really difficult because they have had to give up their independence and move in with us - and I presume he may well feel that he's lost control or is 'no longer head of the house' - depression??

I'm sorry I must stop rambling - It's just it all get's bottled up and sometimes you just need to vent and then maybe I will see things a little clearer.

It must be so much harder when they are your parents. You love them both but must feel so protective towards your Mum especially with your Dad's behavior. Bless both you and your Mum, you must feel like the universe is imploding sometimes.

George
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