Emotionally shot

[Rageddy Anne]

Bed exercises! Good idea, but it used to be so much more fun!

 

[1954]

Social workers must be different

I am puzzled!

I feel awful for all of you who's 'loved' one refuses any help, respite etc. When the SW came and assessed MIL, MIL was given no choice of wanting to go or not go to respite.
MIL was told fairly fast so I doubt whether she took it in anyway. It is happening anyway! We do not tell her where she is going we just take her and that's that! We make up some story and she just complies! Is it us or the SW?

 

[tropicbird]

Use it or lose it...

Bed exercises! Good idea, but it used to be so much more fun!

Does he remember what to do? Sometimes I am lucky and we find each other again. I hope he doesn't forget too soon! Any activity to keep up on the feet and moving helps we find. Walking, swimming, cycling, bed exercises, get a stand alone bike or rower - all good.

 

[GrannyAnn]

I dread night-times now because he doesn't know where he is in the bedroom and bathroom area- he thinks we are in a different building. He is suspicious of losing his 'stuff' - i.e. wallet, keys, and cannot unpack them from his shorts when he has taken them off. I am constantly reminding him. A strain, but I am getting used to this need he has.

I smiled about your husband not knowing where he is at bedtime. Mine thinks a lot of the day that we are in our motor-caravan in Spain, though that didn't have an upstairs. We used to spend several winter months in a Spanish camp-site but the winter after he had his fall I sold the van [I was the only driver, and he couldn't navigate any more] but he often thinks either we are in it or it is parked outside.

 

[gingernut45]

is failing to cope a weakness?

the answer is NO. Society (Who don't directly look after someone with a severe disability or person with a dementia 'problem') have no idea what its like to spend day after day in our boots. They think it's ok to walk away from a problem or just ignore it as they can walk away from their jobs/relationships/situation at the end of the day. We, carers, cannot withou feeling extremly guilty. Some of my step-children made me feel worse than ever when I dared to put their dad into care for a week. They could'nt/would'nt/refused to see how their dad's accusations were affecting me and their half-sister (who has brain damage and learning difficulties). I felt guilty enough without them and society putting me on a bigger guilt trip. Society also think it's so easy to put someone in a care home - you just phone up and hey presto, all done. The true reallity is that it takes months or years and alot of heartache to get our loved ones into 'the perfect home'.

 

[Juliewulie]

Even when a loved one enters residential care, it is still emotionally draining. However, obviously less so than when a loved one is being cared for at home by family.
My Mum was diagnosed 7 years ago and has been in RC for a year now. The emphasis of emotional drainage has shifted, even though I know she has to be there and is being well cared-for. Now it's looking forward to visiting but dreading what the mood of the day might be, sobbing each time I walk away and leave my Mum, and watching and supporting my Dad's heartache "I think I am finally slipping from the memory of my lifetime's sweetheart's mind".
It's just one huge emotional roller-coaster which we will be devastated, but relieved, to climb off.So if it's any comfort, which it is for me...there are many people on that ride with you! Big hugs x

 

[HenryG]

Evening Julie, are we really at the evening of our journey???.

Even when a loved one enters residential care, it is still emotionally draining. However, obviously less so than when a loved one is being cared for at home by family.
supporting my Dad's heartache "I think I am finally slipping from the memory of my lifetime's sweetheart's mind".
It's just one huge emotional roller-coaster which we will be devastated, but relieved, to climb off.So if it's any comfort, which it is for me...there are many people on that ride with you! Big hugs x

Today is alow point, at visiting this afternoon I managed to last a meagre 1.75 hours as opposed to a usual 4+,but feeling physical fatique,emotional fatique, I struggled to keep up with my wife,she has far ,far better mobility than I have,but today it got to the stage where I started to question if I could get the car home. So I had to cut short the visit. MY greeting when I got there was an enthusiastic greeting for Dad,Dad Dad,!!!. Sunday will be our 57th anniversary, this year I have been careful to chose a card that does not say "Wife" on it , last time when I gave her a card she threw it away telling me I had no right to say " My Wife", her husband would not like it. So the trials and tribulations continue. The Doctor who the SW brought in because I would not let her go into care because I did not want to lose her said quite bluntly that I already had lost her!, and cruelly carried on to demonstrate the fact!!. I still go to see her every day, she is used to seeing me now, just like she sees the carers in the CH, but I will still cling to the hope "one day". Good luck, you will need a modicum of resignation to be able to carry on

 

[Eleanor09]

You are all amazing

1954 I don't know much about your story but I am sure "weak" would be the last word to describe you.
I have just read all the comments and am in awe of all of you all and angered that most of you seem to have such little support.
I am ashamed and guilty after reading these comments that I have not yet packed up my life in my home town to live closer to my Mum. She is living with my Dad who is not coping. Though I am not qualified to say I would guess Mum is starting the middle stage of dementia. I am a lone parent of a 4 year old and don't think we could live with her, though we could move closer. I wish she could live closer to me, but that also feels selfish - not wanting to leave my whole life behind.
It reads as though I am seeking absolution, probably because I am. I don't know what my final decision will be but in the mean time I send my deepest respect to all of you who are trying to cope with the situation you have found yourselves in.

 

[1954]

Although its good to know I am not alone, this is just awful

Hubby has no good memories of his childhood, I have no good memories of MIL as she has always been so awful to me

SIL's have no good memories of their childhood just horror at being abused

All this and we are getting respite on Monday! Why is it so unfair that some parts of the country carer's are not getting the help?? Why? Has anyone come up with the answer?

 

[HenryG]

Caring all over the country.

Reading all these posts it seems we are all part of a clique, should we not broaden this by sending copies of all our posts to the Members of Parliament?. There is enough for them to sort out in this country without getting involved in slinging missiles at another country, foreign aid should be redirected to cleaning up the mess they have made in this country. It would probably be a good idea to redirect our feelings to these people we pay very good money and demand they take some of the burden off us.Make the same standard of "care for carers" the same no matter where we live , and cut out the postcode lottery!.

 

[GrannyAnn]

1954 I don't know much about your story but I am sure "weak" would be the last word to describe you.
I have just read all the comments and am in awe of all of you all and angered that most of you seem to have such little support.
I am ashamed and guilty after reading these comments that I have not yet packed up my life in my home town to live closer to my Mum. She is living with my Dad who is not coping. Though I am not qualified to say I would guess Mum is starting the middle stage of dementia. I am a lone parent of a 4 year old and don't think we could live with her, though we could move closer. I wish she could live closer to me, but that also feels selfish - not wanting to leave my whole life behind.
It reads as though I am seeking absolution, probably because I am. I don't know what my final decision will be but in the mean time I send my deepest respect to all of you who are trying to cope with the situation you have found yourselves in.

Don't feel selfish or guilty. Your father should contact social services for help.

 

[GrannyAnn]

Today is alow point, at visiting this afternoon I managed to last a meagre 1.75 hours as opposed to a usual 4+,but feeling physical fatique,emotional fatique, I struggled to keep up with my wife,she has far ,far better mobility than I have,but today it got to the stage where I started to question if I could get the car home. So I had to cut short the visit. MY greeting when I got there was an enthusiastic greeting for Dad,Dad Dad,!!!. Sunday will be our 57th anniversary, this year I have been careful to chose a card that does not say "Wife" on it , last time when I gave her a card she threw it away telling me I had no right to say " My Wife", her husband would not like it. So the trials and tribulations continue. The Doctor who the SW brought in because I would not let her go into care because I did not want to lose her said quite bluntly that I already had lost her!, and cruelly carried on to demonstrate the fact!!. I still go to see her every day, she is used to seeing me now, just like she sees the carers in the CH, but I will still cling to the hope "one day". Good luck, you will need a modicum of resignation to be able to carry on

My husband is at home and lucid much of the time. Just when I think he is alright, he will think I am his mother - or even his father! - and he tells me my name which is theirs. I used to correct him and explain I am really Ann his wife, but this confuses him so I just ignore it though it makes me so sad.

 

[cerridwen]

Hubby and I are totally emotionally drained. We are both shot/drained as it were. Do others suffer with this or we just weak? We feel like we are swimming against the tide and getting nowhere or rather going backwards

No, you are not weak. It is exhausting and painful on so many different levels when caring for someone with dementia. I agree; it is a real roller coaster. I feel exactly the same as you do, I am so very, very tired. I want to walk out the door and not come back. But I am trying to find the room for a break, even if it is an hour, I hope you can do the same. Take care of yourself.
Jane

 

[GrannyAnn]

It is tiring for the muddled person too. My husband is extra confused this evening because he still thinks we are in Spain and he can't go out as he doesn't know the language. When I said we should go to audiology tomorrow to get his hearing aids sorted out, he couldn't think how we would get there from here. We are at home and will catch the bus, but he doesn't really believe it. We were last in Spain five years ago.

 

[mummy1]

You are not weak. My husband and i are constantly drained emotionally, physically and very often lack the strength to even cry. Our health is suffering as is our home life. Our relationship is almost non existent. Being a carer is the most physically demanding and emotionally draining job you can ever do and the most thankless. Makes you wonder why we do it haha but we do, we carry on. Good luck and try to get as much rest as you can, easier said than done I know, but maybe if things get too bad you could try respite for a week and get some rest x

 

[Lainey 127]

I hear you! It's an emotional rollercoaster all right! Some days I'm fine and I can let it all wash over me; other days I'm a crying nervous wreck. My friends are sympathetic but I think that unless you've actually cared for someone with dementia/AD then you can't truly understand. It's a combination of lack of sleep and dealing with challenging behaviour 24/7 that gets you down; that, and the distress of watching someone you love become child like again, often frightened and confused.
Big hugs to you and your hubby. I hope you get some help and much needed rest son.