She's cross with me again - in tears, please advise

[Noorza]

My car has broken down, I use my car for my son and his hobbies (ASD so obsessive) my mum and her hospital and doctor visits and for my work. Everything has gone wrong with it this year and it has cleaned out my savings. Mum wants to pay for the repair but as her registered PoA I can't take the money from her. (I haven't taken a penny for 20 years for caring for her, not a dime).

Previously my sister (invisible for 30 years) persuaded mum to take me to court to get the power of attorney taken from me to be given to her but failed when I told her she had committed domestic fraud and she could be prosecuted. If the CoP are involved she will be reported to the police. Mum doesn't understand any of this.

Poor Mum thinks that it is her money and she can give it to whom she wants (brother just helps himself, sickening). Now she is calling me thick and stupid because I won't accept the repair bill for my car. She is saying I am letting her down and doing wrong by my son as I can't take him where he wants to go.

But I am her PoA (though the bank don't recognise it right now long story), I can't take her money, I won't do that she only has a little which she needs for her own care.

She is angry with me again, she wants to give me her money and I won't take it, she would give me her entire life savings, clean out her account if that is what it takes. She wants to buy me a new car so I don't have the problems with the pile of rubbish I am currently driving. I have been refusing this offer for a few years now.

She doesn't understand that her £2k won't buy me a better car but someone elses heap of junk. She thinks it will get me a new (brand new) car.

I can't take it. Even without the laws in place my conscience wont let me take it. She needs it for herself. Her needs are ever changing, in the last 12 months she's needed a new tumble drier, cooker, microwave.

I know my sister and brother can't use the CoP to make a case against me because they have both financially abused her, they'd be in trouble. I refuse point blank to join in that financial abuse, I am so much better than that, I might be broke, but I don't financially abuse anyone, my pride and good name is priceless. So now my mum thinks I am thick and stupid and letting my son and her down.

She's really cross with me again because I haven't told her like I am saying it here but said "Mum that's really kind but I can't accept your lovely offer". Mum being cross is like 10 times the intensity of mum being cross predementia. She feels I have rejected her but there is no way I'll take her cash.

She is still cross and thinks I am stupid.

How the hell do you win with this disease?

 

[CeliaW]

Poor you - maybe you could calm your Mum by saying something like "That's really kind of you Mum - let me have a look at what is available and let you know. Its really complicated buying cars now and getting the right one..."

Perhaps that will remove some of her distress and help ease things.

Doesn't help re your car though.. would she qualify for mobility allowance part of benefits?

Hugs

Celia
x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Noorza

Would it be possible to open a new account in your mother`s name, take the money she offers and bank it for her.

I`m not sure of the legalities here but you can easily find out whether or not it`s legal and ethical by phoning the AS Helpline.

 

[rajahh]

You ask how do we cope with this disease. Well I for one very often do not cope at all.

I am constantly defeated by the situations which arise.

Grannie Gs idea of opening a different account sounds quite a good one.

Jeannette

 

[FifiMo]

Let her think she is helping. Tell her it is a lot of money and she needs to keep some money for herself. Maybe you can both save money to get a NW car. In the meantime, use a taxi if necessary and let her pay for that. When you go to collect the car from the garage take her with you. Let her think she is paying. Anything that makes her happy.

Fiona

 

[Noorza]

Before the PoA was registered I did that Grannie, she offered to give me her life savings, not much. Because I have a brother who has taken whatever she has saved time and time again, I had to protect it from him to keep it for mum's use. Mum gives it willingly, mum wanted to thank me for being her carer, when she was well and when she was ill this time I took it. (Pre POA being registered) W

hen she was well she willed me a bit extra which I didn't mind as she was well and has only had me to rely on for years now. The money she has "given" me I have kept for her use. It's not a lot. Now she has dementia I won't take any more, pre dementia I took it for her use and have used it for her needs.

The savings I "took" has so far paid for her enhanced wet room (partial grant) but she wanted a lovely one so that's what she's had. It's also paid for a riser/recliner as she can't sleep in bed any more. The rest will stay where it is for her. I could have spent it but it would be wrong, I've taken it to protect it from my brother which he is seriously mad about, but he has so far cleaned her out four times over.

If I had left it in mum's name my brother would have taken it off her and she couldn't have had her wet room which she needs. I did have it moved to an account for PoA only to sign but invisible sister of 30 years tried to get PoA after her long awaited return so it had to go in my name.


My brother got mad but that's tough. I worry about mum's needs not his. Mum needed a wet room she's got it. She needed a riser recline, she got it, same with the condenser drier, microwave (set the other one on fire forgetting how to use it) and cooker.

I have kept the receipts and the remaining money is in a separate account so it's all above board.

I guess I could take the little she has saved since my brother last cleaned her out and put it into the account for her use but she would expect me to show her a new car so I would look dishonest. £2k isn't going to buy a new car.


It's so hard.

 

[Noorza]

Poor you - maybe you could calm your Mum by saying something like "That's really kind of you Mum - let me have a look at what is available and let you know. Its really complicated buying cars now and getting the right one..."

Perhaps that will remove some of her distress and help ease things.

Doesn't help re your car though.. would she qualify for mobility allowance part of benefits?

Hugs

Celia


x

She is on higher rate Attendance Allowance, I wonder if that opens the door to mobility, does anyone know? She would be lost without my car and I work to fit it around her needs?

 

[rajahh]

My thoughts on mobility allowance are that it has to be claimed when the person is of working age, as it as initialy meant to help them to travel to work!!

It might have changed but I don't think so

 

[CeliaW]

This may help give some info:

http://www.motability.co.uk/understanding-the-scheme/eligibility/

 

[Noorza]

My thoughts on mobility allowance are that it has to be claimed when the person is of working age, as it as initialy meant to help them to travel to work!!

It might have changed but I don't think so

Thanks rajahh, thanks so much xx

 

[Noorza]

This may help give some info:

http://www.motability.co.uk/understanding-the-scheme/eligibility/

That just confirms attendance allowance can't be used.

 

[CeliaW]

Yes, but I don't know what other options might work - if you scroll down you can see there are other benefits that qualify and obviously I don't know the circumstances.

Sorry if its a dead end but, given my comment above, thought it worth a mention.

 

[Noorza]

Yes, but I don't know what other options might work - if you scroll down you can see there are other benefits that qualify and obviously I don't know the circumstances.

Sorry if its a dead end but, given my comment above, thought it worth a mention.

I will read on. Thanks for everyones kindness in helping me. x

 

[Nebiroth]

She is on higher rate Attendance Allowance, I wonder if that opens the door to mobility, does anyone know? She would be lost without my car and I work to fit it around her needs?

There is no mobility component for Attendance Allowance.

Unlike Disability Living Allowance, which has separate care and mobility components, Attendance Allowance just has the lowe ror higher rates. Moreover, mobility outsid eof the home is irrelevent to Attendance Allowance, and if you mention it in the claim form it is just ignored. Apparently once you're over 65 you are more or less expected to be housebound!

DLA is being replaced by Personal Independence Payment, or PIP. PIP also has mobility components. Attendance Allowance is continuing unchanged.

This is good, because elligibility for PIP is more restricted than for DLA, and everyone - everyone, no matter what - will have to undergo an ATOS assessment. This includes everyone currently on DLA, even if they have a lifetime award - unless they are under 16 or over 65 (DLA awarded before age 65 can continue past that age)

These changes do not affect anyone on AA in any way.

My advice about your mother would be to allow her to write a cheque. You can tear it up later on.

My dad used to insist on ordering stuff from junk catalogues and book clubs. I used to take the order, plus the cheque paying for it, for posting...and then discretely tear it up. He could never remember ordering anything and thus did not query why it failed to arrive. In the same way, I instructed our phone provider to block the dialling of premium rate numbers. It would just give number unobtainable.

I think they key is, to let them do what they want to do because otherwise your life will be made hell, but simply prevent any consequences of the action in question.

 

[Forestridge]

How much is the repair bill if you don't mind me asking ? I know you don't want take any money from her but she is having use of your car to get to hospital appointments and it would soon add up If she needed to go by taxis, also the costs of care if you weren't able to get to her. Depending on how much the repair bill is versus cost of taxis,would it be financially more in her interests for her to pay/contribute to the repair. In which case I would think about ringing the OPG for guidance about this.

Others who have are more experienced than me might know the OPG will say no way in which case listen to them as I've never done anything like this before so don't know.

 

[Noorza]

There is no mobility component for Attendance Allowance.

Unlike Disability Living Allowance, which has separate care and mobility components, Attendance Allowance just has the lowe ror higher rates. Moreover, mobility outsid eof the home is irrelevent to Attendance Allowance, and if you mention it in the claim form it is just ignored. Apparently once you're over 65 you are more or less expected to be housebound!

Isn't that just so sad?

It's silly really, well short sighted. If I didn't drive mum she'd have to get hospital transport to her appointments which would mean a far higher cost, but I can see that people would abuse it.

Then who would push her wheelchair into the clinics that she has to go to? A hospital transport driver couldn't do it.

Ah well she does qualify for hospital transport, and she does have her own wheelchair though she can't self propel it. We'll just have to use that until the car is back on the road.

She has to have an eye scan on Monday (all tests to find out why she is seeing a red blob in front of her eye came back as showing nothing wrong with the eyes yesterday) have to hope it's not pressure on the brain or to do with a TIA. The worry is if I am not there, mum either doesn't hear or doesn't understand what they're saying to her. .......

 

[Jaycee23]

If you are your mums POA your siblings can do nothing! Ignore their vindictiveness and concentrate on doing what you think is in your mums best interests and not their feelings. If your mum has money and gives some to you to help her then THAT is in HER best interests. If you can justify why you did something for her then so be it. Thinking back when I was struggling and resisting help from my mum who occasionally offered a little money to help with the enormous amount of my money I was spending on her, I wish I had kicked this guilt thing out of the window and took it. She had far more than me!! Now she is stuck in a nursing home with a massive bank balance and no money in her purse.

 

[Fed Up]

"If your mum has money and gives some to you to help her then THAT is in HER best interests. If you can justify why you did something for her then so be it. "

That is so bad advice sorry but its nowhere near that simple and it sounds like a lot of money has already been spent. Be careful about deprivation of assets and thats what I think using your mums money to buy a car with is really about.
Its a shame for you but there is help with hospital transport you just say no and they can arrange for her to get to appointments. So buying a car to take to hospital appointments might be something the Benefits Service will fall off a chair laughing at and as for another bank account that looks remarkably like fraud as you'd be hiding assets. Your mums money is hers and if you already have problems with the POA I'd be extra careful as what seems like a good idea can be misconstrued and once the first problem arises investigations will follow and repayments can be ordered.
I'd just say its ok mum its sorted and change the subject until you have a better idea about the POA, and never mind the kin its them that will be in trouble provided you've done nothing that aided or assisted them. Do take heart though tears don't change anything and no judge will be fooled by the actions of your kin so protect yourself please.

 

[zelana]

Noorza, when Mum has gone to the hospital from the care home she has always gone in hospital transport & a carer has been with her all the time. I would have thought you'd be able to go with her.

Do you have Dial-a-ride in your area? If it's available that could be another way of getting your Mum to wherever she needs to go.

 

[Noorza]

We have ring and ride but they wont do hospital visits for some reason, we do have hospital transport but that can mean mum waiting 4-5 hours for her return trip after her appointments.

FED UP I always appreciate your responses you are so on the mark every time.

I did type a long response then lost it so will do bullet points.

* The separate account was done before she lost capacity in order to prevent my brother taking her money again.
* It had to go in my name as invisible sister of 30 years standing tried to get mum to remove me as PoA in her favour.
* Sister is dysfunctional, sent in wheelchair salesman who tried to get mum to sign over £3,500 for a £700 wheelchair when mum called me as she was scared.
* Sister's husband my BIL tried to make mum pay for her 80th birthday party for 20 people that I had organised and told BIL the family were sharing the costs for, yet he still walked Mum to the till so she would pay for everyone, her own birthday cake, her own birthday iced sculpture against the rest of the families agreement.
* The little bit of savings I protected has so far paid for additional/enhanced wet room over and above the grant, recliner chair and electrical stuff.
* All receipts kept and remaining money still there to the penny. This will not be used for the car
* OotPG informed but not interested as before the EPA was registered.

It is such as mess, all over a tiny bit of money but my view is that little bit of money is all mum has and we don't know what she'll need in the future, so my brother should stop taking the little bit she has left.

I seriously and honestly appreciate your input Fed Up.