Update: trying to move my mother to a new care home: Please help

[Takemewithyou]

Some of the forum member may remember that I'm trying to move my self-funding mother to a new care home, as I'm unhappy with my mothers basic care (long story on a previous post).

The social worker has finally got in touch with me today to say that she's been to do a capacity assessment on my mother and has found she has no capacity (no news there then...) and says that she will NOT be recommending my mother for the move because she 'seemed fine'.

Well yes, she is clean now that I've made a BIG fuss...

I asked how the SW has come to her decision. She says that my mother has been in the home 3 years and it would upset her (I agree it may) and as I've nothing in writing to confirm my complaints and also, THE CARE HOME HAVE TOLD HER THAT I HARDLY VISIT ANYMORE, that she can't understand why I'm doing this. The SW says why haven't I visited more if i'm so concerned...

I told her that my current personal circumstances were not her business and that the number of visits should not have any bearing on this matter.

I didn't realise that putting my mother into a home meant that for the rest of her life I will have to check that she's clean and dressed appropriately EVERY DAY.

I do only visit once a fortnight now. And that's because I can't bear to see her, how she is, and also there's a certain amount of guilt that I'm trying to hide from. I work fulltime, I have children and have no other family.

Can anyone help? Can I be put on trial like this? This should be about my mothers care, surely?

I'm not doing this for fun. I'm doing it because I want to do better for her. If I really didn't care, I'd leave her and never look back. She only has me. And I have no one. Can someone please offer any advice?

I have no record of the complaints I've made to staff and now, this 'you don't visit enough to show you have real concerns' has really thrown me.

She asked if I still want a Best Int. meeting. I told her I do. She's going to try and arrange the meeting and we left it there.

Please advise. I've put my mother here and now probably can't make it right for her. She's physically well and may live a long time.

 

[angecmc]

Hi, I cant offer any advice regarding your circumstances, but I am appalled that a Social Worker should speak to you in this manner. How dare she when she knows nothing of your circumstances, we all do the best we can for our family members and do not need these sorts of comments. The fact that you have raised your concerns shows that you care and should be enough for SS to investigate, good for you insisting on the best interests meeting. I wish you good luck and hope someone on here can give you some good advice. xx
Ange

 

[Takemewithyou]

Thank you Angecmc.

I'm distraught this afternoon.

I asked SW if she'd ever had a close relative with dementia.

She hasn't.

I don't think people can have any idea of how hard it is to sit with a relative and have nothing to say/no words of comfort because you don't know why they're crying/helpless guilt at putting them in a place where their care is being neglected etc

Caring and now visiting is the hardest job i've ever done.

Just so worried that this is something that will be used against moving my mother in some way. It certainly sounds like it's heading in that direction.

Just want help because i'm helpless at the moment.

 

[loveahug]

Hi, we have yet to move my mother into care, she will be self funding. I am puzzled as to why SS have to be involved when your mum is self funding? Surely it is a matter of finding the right place for her and arranging the move? Excuse my oversimplification of this but I am concerned as to why SS are involved, we don't want that to happen with my mum in the future.

Thanks

 

[Takemewithyou]

Hi, we have yet to move my mother into care, she will be self funding. I am puzzled as to why SS have to be involved when your mum is self funding? Surely it is a matter of finding the right place for her and arranging the move? Excuse my oversimplification of this but I am concerned as to why SS are involved, we don't want that to happen with my mum in the future.

Thanks

Hi,

My mother is assessed as 'lacking capacity', so SS are involved to 'protect her interests'.

If my mother was still able to make decisions about where she lives for herself, I would have been able to move her with no problem.

Be very sure about the care home you choose. Do not be fooled by fancy flower beds, gardens and well appointed rooms.

I was fooled, and now deeply regret not making a more informed decision. I should have chosen a home that spent money on my mothers care, not on their outward appearances.

Higher fees do not always equate to better care.

 

[loveahug]

Thanks for that, it's very useful. Do you have LPA for health and welfare, we have for my mother so not sure how that would affect an outcome?

Best wishes and good luck x

 

[Takemewithyou]

Thanks for that, it's very useful. Do you have LPA for health and welfare, we have for my mother so not sure how that would affect an outcome?

Best wishes and good luck x

I only have POA for finances. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to do the health POA too as it was so expensive.

Another regret.

I'm not sure if Health and Welfare would give you outright control if your mother is assessed as 'lacking capacity'. There will be a forum member with more knowledge to answer that one.

 

[loveahug]

thanks for the quick response. mum got a reduction on fees for poa because of her reduced income, but that's irrelevant for you now. I do hope you achieve the best for your mum, it's so frustrating when these 'professionals' behave in such an arrogant way.

Best wishes x

 

[zelana]

As I understand it health & welfare POA does give you the right to decide where your mother lives but if anyone believes your decision isn't in her best interests they can request a 'best interests' meeting in order to protect her.

A care home manager told me of a case they'd had where a lady had been in the home for 3 years & was settled & happy. The relatives failed to give her any spending money despite the care home asking them & when the relatives were asked to buy new clothes for her they refused and instead decided to move her to another home. The care home challenged the proposed move as they felt it wasn't in her best interests.

 

[SallyPotter]

Hi
Social Services have a hell of an amount of power in these instances, basically if somebody has 'lost capacity' they can over-ride any decision made by the family about care. I can understand in a way, if they view that somebody is going to be harmed by an adverse decision by somebody acting after their own ends.
My parents were taken in by SS because of reports in their village about their health, in some ways it has been helpful as I struggled to get them to accept help but they did deal with everything in a heavy handed way, the usual 'oh the family have turned up, lets put the responsibility on them' ok, in my instance there is just me.
I'm lucky though that my parents care-home is lovely, it forced a decision on me so in a sense I'm glad. My parents are also self-funders, for a while I thought everyone was viewing them as a cash cow.
Also (forgot to say , cue edit) I go and see my parents about once or twice a month, I also have a full time job + have to keep myself sane. How the hell can anyone judge on how frequently you visit your mother on being a level of how much you care? Made me spitting mad that!
Be careful with your dealings with them, they do have alot of power....
take care x

 

[Forestridge]

My Mum doesn't have capacity and is awaiting a Best Interests decision as there is disagreement between me and my Brother who hasn't seen her for 4 years as to whether she should stay in a CH flat or come back to try live in Carers.

Originally the meeting was delayed whilst and Independent Mental Health Advocate was appointed. Then it transpired she wasn't entitled to an IMCA so a Citizen's Advocate was to be appointed for her. However it's now decided as she doesn't have Capacity that she won't be having an advocate. The SW said in her email that as she lacks capacity then the Citizens Advocate will not provide one either, they will only provide ones for Family Members.

So what I'd suggest us for you to see if you can find an advocate to support you in the meeting, your local Alzheimer's society will probably be able to help with that. Meanwhile look back through things like your mobile and phone bills to see if you can identify when you rang the CH and try as best you can to remember what's happened, use the info in any previous posts here to try to piece together as much as you can about your dealings with the CH.

Good luck and sorry you'r going through this.

 

[Takemewithyou]

It just seems as though SS think that I'm doing this on a whim.

I cannot understand why they don't believe me or why they think that because I'm not at the home everyday, this must mean that I don't have any real concerns.

The original woman from SS that saw my mother in her dirty state (see previous posts!) has dropped off the map now and I can't get hold of her for love nor money. Although I'll be making a point of mentioning her by name at the Best Int meeting. She's the only person that can confirm how bad my mother looked. Promised me the earth that day. And now I can't get a call back from her.

If the Best Int meeting decide to leave my mother where she is, I'll be making it clear in that meeting that from now on EVERYTHING that i'm not happy about will be documented and photographed. SS will get copies, as will care home head office.

I suppose, at least, the care home will hopefully give my mother top notch care from then on. Although, possibly at another residents detriment.

 

[Takemewithyou]

So what I'd suggest us for you to see if you can find an advocate to support you in the meeting, your local Alzheimer's society will probably be able to help with that. Meanwhile look back through things like your mobile and phone bills to see if you can identify when you rang the CH and try as best you can to remember what's happened, use the info in any previous posts here to try to piece together as much as you can about your dealings with the CH.

Good luck and sorry you'r going through this.

I had no idea there was such a role to assist family members. I'll look into this.

Thank you.

 

[Forestridge]

How they expect you to be there everyday with a family and a job is beyond me. I think you need to say that as well as you have a duty of care to your Mum you have one to your children. Your Mum is supposed to be properly cared for by the Home and you have your hands full looking after your children on your own and are working. That you go in as often as you are able in the circumstances but are currentky not aboe to do more due to the best interests of your children. As you said in your previous post, this is not about you, it is about your Mum's Best Interests and you need to get the focus back onto that.

Definitely mention the other SW was concerned, list the issues she was concerned about and actually thinking about it, request the current SW arranges for the previous one to be present as she has relevant information. Something I was advised by friend who is Community Mental Health Manager is to show you have thought about future provision of care and the minimum number of moves. So is the new Home one that could potentially care for your Mum through to the end of her life (sorry to mention this ) Is there anything in particular about the new home that would be better for her particular circumstances than the other ? That sort of thing.

Think back to the times you've complained and try to remember in terms of what you else you were doing that day, events at work or with the children, that can sometimes help remember.

 

[Takemewithyou]

Definitely mention the other SW was concerned, list the issues she was concerned about and actually thinking about it, request the current SW arranges for the previous one to be present as she has relevant information. Something I was advised by friend who is Community Mental Health Manager is to show you have thought about future provision of care and the minimum number of moves. So is the new Home one that could potentially care for your Mum through to the end of her life (sorry to mention this ) Is there anything in particular about the new home that would be better for her particular circumstances than the other ? That sort of thing.

Think back to the times you've complained and try to remember in terms of what you else you were doing that day, events at work or with the children, that can sometimes help remember.

Thank you for this advice.

There are some other plus points to the new home. Mum would have a ground floor room where she can watch the world passing by. She's currently on the second floor and only has the sky to stare at. Easier access to the garden. Much better staff to resident ratio and only twelve dementia residents (as opposed to 30 currently). Staff are all long serving. The new home would also be able to provide nursing care/end of life care. Current home doesn't. I will definitely be making these points at the meeting.

(Obviously, these things should have been looked for when I first had to consider putting her into a home. But three years ago, frankly, I knew nothing of what I should be looking for. Nothing at all).

Thank you again.