Invisibles
- Thread starter artyfarty
- Start date
Good grief!
We no longer talk, I'm sickened by him cleaning out mum's account twice and not paying back a penny. Sickened. He has done it 4 times now in total but the first twice were pre dementia so I kept my mouth shut. Now she needs it for herself, for her needs, I did tell him to stop. Someone had to stand up for her.
I am so sorry to hear what is happening to you with your siblings. What is wrong with family members. I have the exact same problem with my sibling and he lives in the same town. All he does is criticize everything I do and my Dad is oblivious to what is happening always has been only worse now. The siblings that dont help our parents think they can do no wrong. I am not about ready to let my Dad doen, but it is so very hard sometimes. What is so sad any sibling relationship is no longer there and never will be. Such is life I guess. Sorry to ramble on it feels good to get it off my chest. Good luck
Don't worry, they'll do the full 360 turn around for the funeral and will reading!! That you can be sure of!
My bro lives in the same town as mum and I and is an invisible, save every 3rd weekend when he looks after her.... I planned it out for the whole year, booked every
3rd weekend so everyone knew the plan. I have to book the carer 'brother' weekends as his wife wont go near, always too busy with church or St Johns ambulance. That means I have to cover 2 days in the week ( carer showers mum Mornings) as I cannot expect the carer to do 7 days.
he has a real problem with communication ( again that's my responsibility) and when I rang to remind him he said he'd made other plans, claiming it wasn't his weekend.
I cancelled the carer
I think about it - No he's wrong it IS his weekend, and tell him so, telling him I will re book carer.
I rebook carer...and he forgets to go put her to bed! She spent the night sat on the sofa in just a nightie. I let rip.
Its his turn again this weekend, before he jets off for his 2 weeks in Florida- You can tell I shall have relaxing weekend, cant you ? NOT!
He never calls , rings or asks how she ( or we ) are between his weekends, yet he lives 5 mins walk away.
I have given up, bashing your head against a brickwall only hurts your own head
3rd weekend so everyone knew the plan. I have to book the carer 'brother' weekends as his wife wont go near, always too busy with church or St Johns ambulance. That means I have to cover 2 days in the week ( carer showers mum Mornings) as I cannot expect the carer to do 7 days.
he has a real problem with communication ( again that's my responsibility) and when I rang to remind him he said he'd made other plans, claiming it wasn't his weekend.
I cancelled the carer
I think about it - No he's wrong it IS his weekend, and tell him so, telling him I will re book carer.
I rebook carer...and he forgets to go put her to bed! She spent the night sat on the sofa in just a nightie. I let rip.
Its his turn again this weekend, before he jets off for his 2 weeks in Florida- You can tell I shall have relaxing weekend, cant you ? NOT!
He never calls , rings or asks how she ( or we ) are between his weekends, yet he lives 5 mins walk away.
I have given up, bashing your head against a brickwall only hurts your own head
When he last went to the bank with mum, he got mum to tell them to remove the registered Power of Attorney. Mum doesn't trust me any more as she wants to give her money away and I'll stop her. It's because I blocked, well reduced the amount my brother could get out of her card that she got really angry with me, He was maxing it out every day at that point. My sister has used this to take over mum's bank account without having PoA. Sister tells Mum that the bank want me investigated for fraud when it is she who has fraudulently been accessing mum's account. It's a right royal mess.
If I go through the Court of Protection to get the EPA back at the bank, which I can but mum will have a fit and I'm not sure I can put Mum through it. Legally I should I know. I've kept the OotPG informed and they've been fine.
I am waiting for something to trigger me into taking on the bank as they've done the wrong thing. Meanwhile I just worry about it most of the time.
I don't want mum to hurt and right now she is trusting those who can't be trusted and not the one who has looked after her for the last 20 years.
Last edited:
I forgot to say my poor old mum will believe anything my lying sister tells her. I even recorded her husband trying to persuade mum that I am bad and evil while coughing and sneezing all over a lady with late stage heart disease and saying how poorly he felt. Mum ended up in tears crying "she's good, she helps me, she's good".
Sorry for repeating myself I have put this on other threads but it is a way for me to vent. Sorry.
Sorry for repeating myself I have put this on other threads but it is a way for me to vent. Sorry.
Don't worry about venting. I can't imagine the worry you must be going through.
I wonder if there's a way to put financial control into the hands of a third party - somebody independent so your siblings can't interfere? Just a thought as I have no knowledge of how these things work.
The financial side of things does worry me as well. We have POA but haven't used it yet (if that makes sense) but I do have third party access to my mums account. At the moment my siblings are happy to let me manage her account (go figure!) but they are all more financially savvy than me and I worry (especially about my brother) that in future they may complain that I've handled things poorly. Money and maths was never my strong point and I am doing my best but despite repeated requests I've had no offer of assistance from any of them. Arrgghh!
I wonder if there's a way to put financial control into the hands of a third party - somebody independent so your siblings can't interfere? Just a thought as I have no knowledge of how these things work.
The financial side of things does worry me as well. We have POA but haven't used it yet (if that makes sense) but I do have third party access to my mums account. At the moment my siblings are happy to let me manage her account (go figure!) but they are all more financially savvy than me and I worry (especially about my brother) that in future they may complain that I've handled things poorly. Money and maths was never my strong point and I am doing my best but despite repeated requests I've had no offer of assistance from any of them. Arrgghh!
Handing to a third party would be a blessing for me, but again Mum would go spare. I am seriously considering this and will have to find out more.
I still have the PoA so far as the OotPG are concerned and it's registered, it's just that the bank won't recognise it. I'm going to have to sort this out, I'm just procrastinating because I know there will be another emotional explosion for a while.
She doesn't want strangers looking after money her either. Some days Mum is OK others she's not, so it's so hard to know exactly when the moment is to take action.
I'd gone through this last year as I'd had the PoA for 20 years but had to decide she was losing capacity and register it. I never saw any of this coming.
The Court of Protection and the OotPG both say that the bank should not have removed me without them first going through the CoP and getting an order from them. They didn't a bliddy bank clerk decided mum did have capacity against the rules of the COP.
I once had 'a bliddy bank clerk' do something she didn't have authority to do on my bank account.
Situation: Divorce and maintenance argument. Ex puts sum of money in my account. Ex decides he wants it back. Ex persuades bank clerk it was a mistake. Bank clerk removes money from my account!! I demand it back. Ex refuses. Bank sides with ex initially. (Ex is a longstanding business customer with more clout than me.)
Eventually problem went to area manager. Because bank clerk had no authority to remove funds from my account, I was re-imbursed (with many apologies and extra amount for the distress caused)... from the bank, not the ex.
So...surely the bank could be in big trouble if the clerk had no legal authority to act as he/she did. Especially as it is resulting in loss of funds belonging to a vulnerable adult.
Start complaining!!! I think you should demand that the funds be replaced. That they should not have been removed without your permission. Lay it on thick explaining the dire consequences of their (illegal) actions.
Go for it! Demand they refund the money lost! You have nothing to lose and it is soooooooo satisfying to take on the bank and win!!
I once had 'a bliddy bank clerk' do something she didn't have authority to do on my bank account.
Situation: Divorce and maintenance argument. Ex puts sum of money in my account. Ex decides he wants it back. Ex persuades bank clerk it was a mistake. Bank clerk removes money from my account!! I demand it back. Ex refuses. Bank sides with ex initially. (Ex is a longstanding business customer with more clout than me.)
Eventually problem went to area manager. Because bank clerk had no authority to remove funds from my account, I was re-imbursed (with many apologies and extra amount for the distress caused)... from the bank, not the ex.
So...surely the bank could be in big trouble if the clerk had no legal authority to act as he/she did. Especially as it is resulting in loss of funds belonging to a vulnerable adult.
Start complaining!!! I think you should demand that the funds be replaced. That they should not have been removed without your permission. Lay it on thick explaining the dire consequences of their (illegal) actions.
Go for it! Demand they refund the money lost! You have nothing to lose and it is soooooooo satisfying to take on the bank and win!!
I would gladly take on the bank, I think I'll start there actually, I've already got the forms from the CoP and the Banking Ombudsman. I don't want to do anything to upset mum though.
To hell with it I've procrastinated enough on this one, time to take the first step.
This stupid bliddy clerk even put a stop on my own accounts that weren't linked to the POA.
Yes!!! The Banking Ombudsman definitely. When I threatened the ombudsman, the bank suddenly began listening to me! Think there was an official complaints process which only ended with the ombudsman if things could not be resolved. Things may have changed...
As far as I understand it, your POA is legally still in effect and therefore you should be in control of your mum's account. Your bank clerk acted improperly, therefore the lost funds should be replaced imho.
Is it more complicated than that? isn't this like all the money banks replace when cards get cloned etc?
I don't think your mum needs to be involved. Your argument is with the bank, not her.
You simply want the money replaced and control over future withdrawals until such time that they apply for and receive any official orders to the contrary.
In any case you could argue to the bank that to involve your mum in this would upset her and possibly lead to a further deterioration in her condition. So they must only deal with you.
Good luck!
As far as I understand it, your POA is legally still in effect and therefore you should be in control of your mum's account. Your bank clerk acted improperly, therefore the lost funds should be replaced imho.
Is it more complicated than that? isn't this like all the money banks replace when cards get cloned etc?
I don't think your mum needs to be involved. Your argument is with the bank, not her.
You simply want the money replaced and control over future withdrawals until such time that they apply for and receive any official orders to the contrary.
In any case you could argue to the bank that to involve your mum in this would upset her and possibly lead to a further deterioration in her condition. So they must only deal with you.
Good luck!
Last edited:
