How do I atop crying?

[jstmcm]

Yesterday Mum announced that she is ready to move to a care home. I have been trying to persuade her to do this for a while, as her condition has got worse, but of course she has not wanted to. I live 2 hours drive away and last week she had a really bad fall, which I think has made her accept that she can no longer live alone.

I should be really pleased and relieved that she is willing to move (I have found a lovely place near me) and in a way I am, and yet I can't think about it without bursting into tears. I am crying as I write this. Mum has lived in this house for 50 years and I grew up here, and suddenly I can't bear the thought of her leaving and me never seeing my family home again. I really need to discuss the practicalities with her (we haven't mentioned the subject again since the announcement) but I can't because I only have to think about it for the tears to start and I have to leave the room so that she doesn't see I'm upset. I need to be strong for her - how on earth do I stop myself crying all the time?

J

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hi jst,
You sound overwhelmed and that's pretty much par for the course in Dementia Land. A number of TP people care from a distance and it seems to have its own set of challenges. A parent progressing to the point of needing care home placement is an exceptionally stressful and emotionally charged experience, so sadness at losing your childhood home is probably biting harder too.
Try to be as kind and patient and gentle with yourself as you can, you're doing a brilliant job of being a caring daughter and I wish you only the best,
Toni x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi, you poor thing, of course you're crying, it is the most normal thing in the world and a very healthy response. These emotions are very strong, all the memories are tied up in this place, and you're facing a number of challenges.

I understand completely. Dad has had 4 weeks in hospital, followed by almost 3 weeks in permanent care in a nursing home. My world has felt upside down since Day 1 in hospital, riding on a tsunami of emotions, being with him every day, seeing a dramatic decline, and finally giving in to him needing outside care. Mum, my sister, and I have looked after him for 8 years, he and Mum living in the home he built 41 years ago. The thought of him never being in that house again, never sitting at the table in his spot or ever laying down beside Mum, after 61 years of marriage has torn us all apart. You are in good company, I've burst into tears more often in the last few weeks than ever in my lifetime and I believe this has been the single most confronting situation we've ever faced.

All I can say is, you're not crying alone, and you're not being silly or weak or a drama queen, as I've labelled myself recently, you're dealing with grief. That's what dementia does, it gives us a new reason to grieve every day, and when that awful last day comes, you may find yourself all cried out already. I keep dwelling on every family event to come, which was always in my home, where Dad will be missing, and it's like waiting for the hammer to fall. I have my first grandchild due in 10 weeks and am terrified to be happy because Dad can't enjoy his first great grandchild and may well be gone before the event. More tears, so cry on, I'm right here with you.

I have no helpful advice, just a virtual, if soggy shoulder upon which to cry. Let it out, take it one day at a time, and yes, be very glad that your mum is content and going off happily.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello jstmcm

There`s nothing wrong with crying you are bound to be upset.

However there are many positives to come out of this move. Your mother will be nearer to you and visiting will be so much easier. Also, she will be safe and not in danger of falling and lying there not knowing when help will come.

The memories of your childhood home will stay with you but the structure is nothing more than bricks and mortar. The house will not look after your mother, however you feel about it.

 

[starryuk]

The memories of your childhood home will stay with you but the structure is nothing more than bricks and mortar. The house will not look after your mother, however you feel about it

Wise words. At times in my life I have been back to look at my grandparents' house and one of my childhood houses. I gaze at them; they look so familiar, yet the images which flash through my minds are of events, people there, not the rooms. I don't need to look at the house to keep those images; they are always in my memory.

Do not cry over lost bricks and mortar, you have not lost your childhood 'home' it is in your memory. Only the bricks are no longer yours.

Be strong, you are doing the best for your mum and there will be precious moments ahead for you both with her so near.

xx

 

[Jilly1]

My heart goes out to you! I hope someone comes up with answer to the crying because I can't stop either

 

[Noorza]

I'm not sure that you should stop crying. Many years ago when my mum tried to keep strong for her children as we were all of school age, while my Dad was dying she kept back the tears. When she had a breakdown as they called it then, the doctor told her that crying is the body's safety valve.

Let them flow, they're natural, and sometimes a release.

This is traumatic, those tears are probably needed right now.

 

[Saffie]

My childhood home is on a 'derelict buildings' site on the internet.
It broke my heart to see it and for ghouls to be discussing how the state it's in now is "interesting". When I saw it i felt like shouting "That's my bedroom your writing about!"
It was the schoolhouse of a school that was closed in the '90s but the house hadn't been lived in for some years before that. My father was the village headmaster and he died whilst still working there when he was in his mid 50s.
I loved the house and would try to rescue it now if I was 20 years younger. The whole site has recently been bought and will probably be demolished as it can hardly be safe.

However, the memories of my life there and my family cannot be demolished and neither can your's jstmcm. Just hold them next to your heart and keep them safe. xxx

 

[marthasmum]

I have been crying off and mostly on for a long time The shower is a good place T gets very upset if he sees me I always make official calls in the bathroom
It is this horrible disease

 

[jstmcm]

Thanks to everyone for your kindness and support. It really helps to know that others understand and feel the same. I can see now that I am grieving for my old home as well as for the Mum I am slowly but surely losing.

Has anyone found a way to hold back the tears until you can be alone to shed them? I have always found it impossible to do that, but other people seem able to do it.

J

 

[Cfduti]

Holding back the tears

I'm a bloke. I suppose of a generation where holding it in is expected. Frankly I would rather it was not so.

I've had to learn that it is ok to cry and I find that to overcome the blocks is not easy.
Part of the ingrained habit is to avoid situations. Part is to swallow and shake it off and focus on doing something practical. Either way there is some denial going on. I always, in the end, have to deal with it anyway.

Because meditation like mindfulness or awareness of the moment, moment by moment, has been helpful to me in easing the burden of decades of holding it back and helps me to find a balance perhaps the same can be useful for other 'extremes'. I think it can because I find that emotions like anger, which I don't have difficulty expressing, has eased while I have less problems in feeling my sadness.

What I'm suggesting is that meditation techniques that aim to achieve a balance works universally and where it helps me to cry and to not be so angry it may likewise help to cry less and be more assertive. I don't know, but learning to feel my feelings in the moment and letting them go seems to, over time, lessen the burden and bring my life into more balance.

 

[1954]

I too was crying and crying and I eventually went to the GP because I thought this is not right so I must be depressed. Absolutely I was. I was put on medication and it has been really good. I still have a cry but it is not all consuming like it was

 

[jstmcm]

Thanks CFduti. I found your post really interesting, because while you say you have always held back the tears but had no difficulty expressing anger, I have always found it impossible to hold back tears, and yet have never been able to express anger, and hold it in involuntarily. No idea why I do this, but perhaps as you say they are two sides of the same coin. I will do some googling of mindfulness and meditation techniques.

Thanks also 1954. I honestly don't think I am suffering from depression, but will consider talking to the GP if I can't find a non-medical way of managing the tears.

I seem to be feeling a little better tonight, as this is the first time I have come back to this thread without immediately bursting into tears, which feels like progress. I also managed to have a bit of a talk to Mum about the care home today, (she started the conversation) although sadly we ended up at cross purposes, as so often happens, and she seemed to think I was suggesting she didn't need to go into the care home after all. Oh help.......

J

 

[1954]

Please speak to the GP. they can assess you and as you say they may well say you are not depressed but maybe you need a little 'help' to get you through this. Not for the long term if that's what you don't want. You have nothing to lose x

 

[Wildflower]

I seem to be unable to cry at the moment. I am able to express my emotions and I don't hold my feelings in, but a few things that have recently happened in my life, and not all to do with my dad have made me think to myself that I should be crying over that, but I've been unable to shed a tear. I always used to cry. I have been thinking there is something wrong with me. If I could have a good cry I think I would feel better about things. Can't understand myself!

 

[channa]

Stop crying

Hi,

Two years ago we were in your situation. We were daily at my parents and a decision had to be made. And yes, did we cry ! However, now we have it all behind us. My parents live in the most fantastic sheltered living. During the day they they are together and at night my father sleeps in a department with more care. It was very hard to make the decision, put the signature down (which my parents could still do themselves), sell their house, decide what they should take with them and decide what to do with the rest of their things (from 55 years of marriage). Life is good for my parents and my sisters and I got our life back.
I wish you and your mother luck and know that you are doing the right thing. Do it when your mother can still decide for herself.

Channa

Yesterday Mum announced that she is ready to move to a care home. I have been trying to persuade her to do this for a while, as her condition has got worse, but of course she has not wanted to. I live 2 hours drive away and last week she had a really bad fall, which I think has made her accept that she can no longer live alone.

I should be really pleased and relieved that she is willing to move (I have found a lovely place near me) and in a way I am, and yet I can't think about it without bursting into tears. I am crying as I write this. Mum has lived in this house for 50 years and I grew up here, and suddenly I can't bear the thought of her leaving and me never seeing my family home again. I really need to discuss the practicalities with her (we haven't mentioned the subject again since the announcement) but I can't because I only have to think about it for the tears to start and I have to leave the room so that she doesn't see I'm upset. I need to be strong for her - how on earth do I stop myself crying all the time?

J

 

[junerain]

I need to be strong for her - how on earth do I stop myself crying all the time?

J[/QUOTE]
Hi, just over a year ago I was in exactly the same position as you and I can assure you that it does get better for both of you. My Mum and I cried together over it - I don't know how you would feel about that, but sometimes a shared cry is good. She possibly wants to let it all out too.
Good luck! Just not having to drive up and down on a regular basis will free you more than you can appreciate right now.

 

[Caitlin]

hi jst

Yesterday Mum announced that she is ready to move to a care home. I have been trying to persuade her to do this for a while, as her condition has got worse, but of course she has not wanted to. I live 2 hours drive away and last week she had a really bad fall, which I think has made her accept that she can no longer live alone.

I should be really pleased and relieved that she is willing to move (I have found a lovely place near me) and in a way I am, and yet I can't think about it without bursting into tears. I am crying as I write this. Mum has lived in this house for 50 years and I grew up here, and suddenly I can't bear the thought of her leaving and me never seeing my family home again. I really need to discuss the practicalities with her (we haven't mentioned the subject again since the announcement) but I can't because I only have to think about it for the tears to start and I have to leave the room so that she doesn't see I'm upset. I need to be strong for her - how on earth do I stop myself crying all the time?

J

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I've just gone through it myself, I gave the keys in today (although Mum has been in the care home 3 months) and cried buckets. It's a horrible situation but tears are very normal for what you are going through, it feels as though everything is being taken away and in a way it's like a bereavement. The thing you must keep telling yourself is that this move will benefit your Mum so much in the long run, you will be able to see her and keep an eye on her far more often. You know in your own heart that this is for the best but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. As far as discussing arrangements, you know your Mum better than anyone, would she be content to leave you to decide everything or would she prefer to make the decisions while you carry them out? I requested that my Mum must sit and listen and make some decisions - in her own time simply because I wanted her to feel that she at least had some choices.
Everyone is different but I find the best way to stop the tears for a while is to throw myself into something as a distraction, even if it only gives you some relief for a short while It's worth it. There are some up sides to a care home, my Mum has made some nice friends, she takes part in the activities such as flower arranging and we are waiting to book our first day out trip, Mum hasn't been out socially for five years. I know the future seems daunting right now but try not to look too far ahead, I bet your Mum will love having you so close at hand. xx

 

[Lucy Lastic]

Are you trying to cope with a job as well? I could not stop crying when I had to have my Mother sectioned two years ago. At the same time my best friend was dying of cancer. I was trying to fit in hospital visits (to both) and a full time job. I thought I was cracking up as I was constantly sobbing.

I had a bit of a panic attack and went to my GP - just sat in the waiting room sobbing until she was free. She signed me off work for 2 weeks with "carer strain". At least I did not have to face the office every day and I could get on with the things I needed to do.

I was even "Googling" How to Stop Crying!

By the way, looking up and raising your eyebrows helps, or firmly pressing your top lip. Sounds a bit mad, but it worked for me.

Take care, it will get better. You are doing your very best for your Mum.

 

[jeannius]

Yesterday Mum announced that she is ready to move to a care home. I have been trying to persuade her to do this for a while, as her condition has got worse, but of course she has not wanted to. I live 2 hours drive away and last week she had a really bad fall, which I think has made her accept that she can no longer live alone.

I should be really pleased and relieved that she is willing to move (I have found a lovely place near me) and in a way I am, and yet I can't think about it without bursting into tears. I am crying as I write this. Mum has lived in this house for 50 years and I grew up here, and suddenly I can't bear the thought of her leaving and me never seeing my family home again. I really need to discuss the practicalities with her (we haven't mentioned the subject again since the announcement) but I can't because I only have to think about it for the tears to start and I have to leave the room so that she doesn't see I'm upset. I need to be strong for her - how on earth do I stop myself crying all the time?

J

I think you are mourning the loss of a your mother as an independent lady and it seems like the end of an era. You probably feel now she is just, and excuse me saying it, because I feel it too, a little old lady in a care home. I feel you should just allow yourself to mourn your loss but allow time to recover as well. Cry all you need to in between times and do think about it in between times as this will allow you to be stronger when you are with your mother.