Does the sadness ever leave?

[Mummy's Girl]

Mum is crying less each day. She is eating now too, but there is an underlying sadness there with her and with me too. It may be guilt on my part and she is depressed and keeps saying 'I can't wait to go home'. She's even said she wants to die once or twice This weekend has seen a lot of tears shed between me and my siblings. Friends and family are being very supportive and she's had lots of visitors but can't recall who has been later.

Will we ever cease being sad at what we've done ? Will my mum settle? For those here who have put their loved ones into a care home, how long does it take? I know everyone is different.. but some personal experiences may help a little

Many many thanks for all your kind words

Karen

 

[Kathleen]

Hello Karen

You do sound so down, poor thing.

Mum has been in a home since September 2004 and I still cry sometimes, the guilt is always one step away, but I know in my heart that she is in the best place for her and for us, short of a lottery win she will be there for the rest of her life.

I am not sad because she is in a home, but sad that she is no longer in her home just round the corner, at the end of the phone, at the school meeting the grandchildren with me, walking the dog, going for walk to the village and not the same person she was, a hundred things really.

But as time has gone on, I am happy that she is safe,, happy that she is so well looked after, happy that she is still so loved by the family, happy when she smiles and giggles over nothing.......even relieved that she no longer knows me and asks me to take her home.......that, I know, tears at your heart like nothing else can.

The sadness only comes when she is low in spirits or anxious suddenly, for no apparent reason, no longer having any conversation with her, but so grateful for the years we did share.

The happy/sad balance is a fragile one, but day by day (thanks Norman) we go on.

Hope you both feel happier soon.

Take care

Kathleen
x

 

[Amy]

Hi Karen,
My mum was unaware when she went into the Nursing Home, so I cannot answer your questions about how long? Will you ever cease being sad? I know that 18 months on I am still sad when I see my mum sitting alone, when I have to walk away, knowing that she is not living with people who love her, who know her, who touch her lovingly, who treasure her. But I also know, deep down, that she is where she needs to be. The sadness is still there - the tears are shed less frequently.
Love Helen

 

[Mummy's Girl]

Kathleen and Amy.. thank you so much for your honest posts. Amy... I wish my mum would deteriorate at times so she wouldn't be aware of where she is.... yet more guilt for me.

Kathleen.. I can see exactly where you are coming from. I too am mourning the loss of the home I grew up in and the future memories that could have been . We will need to sell soon and that sees the end of the place full of happy memories. That will be very difficult. My children will be forgotten eventually.. and that makes me sadder than the thought of her forgetting me. How do I explain to a 4yr old? But I will cross that bridge when we get to it!

Thanking you both again for sharing difficult experiences

Love
Karen
x

 

[Amy]

Karen, dont worry about explaining to a 4 year old -none of my children remember my mum well, she has been ill for so long; but they love her. They have just grown up knowing that their Nanna is ill, that she is special, that she needs them to help her - they have held Nanna's hand to keep her safe from walking off; they have 'nanna sat' whilst my dad and I went round to a neighbours; they feed her, cuddle her; my 18 year old now lifts her in and out of her wheelchair. Your children will know what to do with your mum, they will learn from you.
Love Helen