We live with Mum for now. We need a holiday. She can't stay in her house on her own. I've arranged for her to go into a truly lovely care home, more like a hotel, for 2 weeks, starting Monday. My Mum has never been in a home and has always been totally terrified at the thought of it. How do I handle this? Do I start telling her today and tell her every day until Monday or do I pack her back, put her in the car, take her there and then tell her? I am worrying about this and worrying that if she remembers, come Monday, that she won't get in the car.
How to tell my Mum that she's going into a home for 2 weeks for a "holiday"
- Thread starter Kate66
- Start date
Thanks 1954. My heart is broken just thinking about it. It's such a huge step for me. She used to hide things and say "don't tell your Dad because he'll put me in a home" - which he never would have done. Just 2 weeks ago when we were talking about potential alternative living accommodation she said "well, I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going into an old folk's home!"
Hi Kate
I agree with with 1954.If you tell her now she will either get very anxious or forget-so it's a bit of a waste of time. On the day tell her she is going for lunch maybe? And arrange with the care home to arrive just as lunch is being prepared. If you feel strong enough (and if the CH staff agree stay with her) It will be difficult for her, but you need the break.
Take care Lyn T
I agree with with 1954.If you tell her now she will either get very anxious or forget-so it's a bit of a waste of time. On the day tell her she is going for lunch maybe? And arrange with the care home to arrive just as lunch is being prepared. If you feel strong enough (and if the CH staff agree stay with her) It will be difficult for her, but you need the break.
Take care Lyn T
Hi Katie, I wouldn't tell her much before either. Another thing is, your mum's idea of a "Home" & the reality are probably vastly different. My mum is in a Care Home & sometimes if she moans about something, she'll say to me " Don't tell them, they'll put me in a home! My mum is 91, so her idea of a home is like the workhouse!
Your mum will be safe, so enjoy your break, you need it
Lin x
Your mum will be safe, so enjoy your break, you need it
Lin x
We have just asked social services for respite care. I know MIL will kick up a fuss. Everybody she meets she 'swings' into conversation of wanting to go home! No one listens thankfully
Today is the first day hubby and I have felt ...........................
'what good are we actually doing with mum here?'
'would it make any difference if she was living in a care home?'
'she has no memories of anything we do with her'
'she certainly doesn't appreciate anything I do for her'
I don't know the answer. But I feel rotten about it all
Today is the first day hubby and I have felt ...........................
'what good are we actually doing with mum here?'
'would it make any difference if she was living in a care home?'
'she has no memories of anything we do with her'
'she certainly doesn't appreciate anything I do for her'
I don't know the answer. But I feel rotten about it all
We didn't tell mum she was going for respite until the day. Even then I said it was because Simon (her lovely GP) wanted her to go for a couple of weeks to be assessed. She moaned, but went quiet easily.
When we moved her to a RH permanently, we still didn't tell her until the day. She had had an assessment a week previously an the lovely lady had got her to agree to go, but of course she didn't even remember meeting her.
When we moved her to a RH permanently, we still didn't tell her until the day. She had had an assessment a week previously an the lovely lady had got her to agree to go, but of course she didn't even remember meeting her.
We have just come back from visiting mum in hospital. Clinically she is well now but they won't send her home unless it's the right thing for her. I was all set to say it was ok to send her home, I would stay here with her but then found myself saying she really needs to be in a home as she resents me caring for her and she will have different people around her and, hopefull, she will be a bit more interested in life
Now I feel I've betrayed her but they are going to do the CHC tests and other stuff tomorrow to decide where she ought to be. As a first step they have suggested she goes for 'convalscence' for a couple of weeks. None of this has been said to mum yet, and I am sure she will kick off as soon as they mention convalscence.
I agree with the other posters on here, take your mum in just before lunch and see what happens. You can't make her happy but you can keep her safe while you get a break (and you are just as important a person as your mum).
I do hope it all turns out ok for you.
Now I feel I've betrayed her but they are going to do the CHC tests and other stuff tomorrow to decide where she ought to be. As a first step they have suggested she goes for 'convalscence' for a couple of weeks. None of this has been said to mum yet, and I am sure she will kick off as soon as they mention convalscence.
I agree with the other posters on here, take your mum in just before lunch and see what happens. You can't make her happy but you can keep her safe while you get a break (and you are just as important a person as your mum).
I do hope it all turns out ok for you.
hi Kate66,
I'm in the same situation. As a family we all need a break. My family want me to go to the 'sun' for a complete break.
Mum is booked for respite care for the first time in October. But she doesn't know and I am filled with dread. How can I look forward to a holiday abroad ?!
Mum may still live in her own home but does not eat, wash,etc. etc. Nor does she recognise neighbours or family.
She will not stay in her home during the day,so would be out walking in all weathers and is exhausted at the end of the day. She will not stay with me either and she has to get to her home for bed or she gets very upset. But, while she still knows how to go out to local shops the social services don't want to take that away from her. But its a battle everyday, even getting her to rest for a hour. She just 'goes' all day long.
Her social worker says respite is the only way to keep her safe and that is what I need if I do go away.
Dont know if I will have the courage to just take her there and leave.
But it does makes sense. A lot of sense.
Think we have to be tough and harden our hearts. and try to enjoy a rest or we won't be able to continue caring.
Hope this makes sense - its be a long day!!
Sandra
I'm in the same situation. As a family we all need a break. My family want me to go to the 'sun' for a complete break.
Mum is booked for respite care for the first time in October. But she doesn't know and I am filled with dread. How can I look forward to a holiday abroad ?!
Mum may still live in her own home but does not eat, wash,etc. etc. Nor does she recognise neighbours or family.
She will not stay in her home during the day,so would be out walking in all weathers and is exhausted at the end of the day. She will not stay with me either and she has to get to her home for bed or she gets very upset. But, while she still knows how to go out to local shops the social services don't want to take that away from her. But its a battle everyday, even getting her to rest for a hour. She just 'goes' all day long.
Her social worker says respite is the only way to keep her safe and that is what I need if I do go away.
Dont know if I will have the courage to just take her there and leave.
But it does makes sense. A lot of sense.
Think we have to be tough and harden our hearts. and try to enjoy a rest or we won't be able to continue caring.
Hope this makes sense - its be a long day!!
Sandra
Thank you everyone. I am already upset about the whole thing. I thought about just getting carers in 4 times a day and then realised I would end up phoning another 4 times a day and then worrying all night. I do so hope that she enjoys it once she is there, and if she doesn't, oh well - I guess by the time I pick her up she will have forgotten. Another question, as we are only really going away for 1 of the 2 weeks, should I go and visit her during the other 2 weeks or will that just end up being traumatic for both of us - maybe leave well alone?
I spoke to my Aunt tonight and she said that maybe she would come up and stay in a B&B nearby for a few days and take my Mum out a few times, but again, I don't know if that's a good idea or a bad one.
Every time she has a sensible conversation with me I start thinking I am over-reacting and that really she COULD stay on her own with carers..... and then 2 mins later she comes through asking where the baby is that she's looking after, who came with the people from Italy but aren't really staying here....etc etc
I spoke to my Aunt tonight and she said that maybe she would come up and stay in a B&B nearby for a few days and take my Mum out a few times, but again, I don't know if that's a good idea or a bad one.
Every time she has a sensible conversation with me I start thinking I am over-reacting and that really she COULD stay on her own with carers..... and then 2 mins later she comes through asking where the baby is that she's looking after, who came with the people from Italy but aren't really staying here....etc etc
Sandra, exactly the same emotions as I am having. You are in a worse position having booked it so far in advance. Ours was spur of the moment, went today, arranged it for Monday - so I only have the weekend to worry
despite
Hi Kate I am in a, similar position. I have to take my partner to respite for the first time on Monday! I know he will be upset but my brother died suddenly a week ago and I have to go to the funeral and be with family and friends. Mick can't handle crowds and all the emotions that will be around so this time I have had to make the decision to'm leave him in respite! It's breaking my heart and I'm scared but, like you I need to know he is safe and hopefully we'll cared for. I go to sleep thinking about it and I want up thinking about it! This time in.putting me first and after 5 years of caring, it doesn't come easy. Good luck with your respite. Mufti
Hi Kate I am in a, similar position. I have to take my partner to respite for the first time on Monday! I know he will be upset but my brother died suddenly a week ago and I have to go to the funeral and be with family and friends. Mick can't handle crowds and all the emotions that will be around so this time I have had to make the decision to'm leave him in respite! It's breaking my heart and I'm scared but, like you I need to know he is safe and hopefully we'll cared for. I go to sleep thinking about it and I want up thinking about it! This time in.putting me first and after 5 years of caring, it doesn't come easy. Good luck with your respite. Mufti
Hi everyone,
My huge feelings of guilt and that I had betrayed my Mum when I got her to go to a care home for lunch especially knowing that the staff were waiting for her and that her room was prepared , were replaced by an enormous feeling of relief , She was in a safe environment, she would be warm, get regular meals and most important regular medication and there would be carers around .Being an only child , living over 250 miles away from her having carers going in to her house did not feel to be the right solution . and now after ten weeks she is settled says she likes it there . I can enjoy visiting her and taking her out on my trips to see her and we can enjoy quality time together. She has friends who go into see her regularly and I think she is as happy as she can be .I feel I have done the best thing possible in the situation . I could not have left her in her own house, where she was forgetting to eat and take her pills and although I cried after I left her in the care home it was definetly for the best.
My huge feelings of guilt and that I had betrayed my Mum when I got her to go to a care home for lunch especially knowing that the staff were waiting for her and that her room was prepared , were replaced by an enormous feeling of relief , She was in a safe environment, she would be warm, get regular meals and most important regular medication and there would be carers around .Being an only child , living over 250 miles away from her having carers going in to her house did not feel to be the right solution . and now after ten weeks she is settled says she likes it there . I can enjoy visiting her and taking her out on my trips to see her and we can enjoy quality time together. She has friends who go into see her regularly and I think she is as happy as she can be .I feel I have done the best thing possible in the situation . I could not have left her in her own house, where she was forgetting to eat and take her pills and although I cried after I left her in the care home it was definetly for the best.
Kate66Sandra, exactly the same emotions as I am having. You are in a worse position having booked it so far in advance. Ours was spur of the moment, went today, arranged it for Monday - so I only have the weekend to worry
That is the best way. Little time to think about it.
We are trying to tie in with our best friends who are going then, and thats why its so far away. Thought it would be easier if we had company. But worrying about going to respite is taking all the good away.
I too thought I could get extra care etc but i know I would spend my time worrying where she was, so this is the way it has to be . My mum will be fine and so will your mum.
You have a good holiday .
Sandra
Update on Respite Care
I'll miss out some of the early stuff, but today I got back from holiday. I was away from Tuesday until today. I lost my cellphone while I was gone so conveniently the home only had my sister and brother's numbers. So, today I phone my brother. Basically, since Thursday, my Mum has managed to get out 3 times. On Thursday, she caught a bus at 7pm and came home (13 miles). To catch that bus she had to walk to the center of the town that the home is in and then again from the center of town back to the house. A neighbor saw her and took her back. On Saturday, she managed to get out, again around dinner time and caught a taxi and went to a seaside village about 15 miles from the CH. She didn't have any money but it appears that the taxi driver dropped her off and then called the police as he thought she was confused. Thankfully the CH had already noticed she was missing and had called the police so they had circulated her description. The police picked her up and took her back. The CH then moved mum to a 'secure' unit, but she managed to go out a fire exit and it was apparently only because a couple of people were working in the laundry that they heard the alarm and caught her. Now they have moved her back into the original unit and check on her whereabouts every 20 mins. I am perplexed and confused. I can't decide whether to leave her for the next planned week or go and get her back. She doesn't wander here at all, just gets worried about when people are coming and who's here.
I'll miss out some of the early stuff, but today I got back from holiday. I was away from Tuesday until today. I lost my cellphone while I was gone so conveniently the home only had my sister and brother's numbers. So, today I phone my brother. Basically, since Thursday, my Mum has managed to get out 3 times. On Thursday, she caught a bus at 7pm and came home (13 miles). To catch that bus she had to walk to the center of the town that the home is in and then again from the center of town back to the house. A neighbor saw her and took her back. On Saturday, she managed to get out, again around dinner time and caught a taxi and went to a seaside village about 15 miles from the CH. She didn't have any money but it appears that the taxi driver dropped her off and then called the police as he thought she was confused. Thankfully the CH had already noticed she was missing and had called the police so they had circulated her description. The police picked her up and took her back. The CH then moved mum to a 'secure' unit, but she managed to go out a fire exit and it was apparently only because a couple of people were working in the laundry that they heard the alarm and caught her. Now they have moved her back into the original unit and check on her whereabouts every 20 mins. I am perplexed and confused. I can't decide whether to leave her for the next planned week or go and get her back. She doesn't wander here at all, just gets worried about when people are coming and who's here.
Hi all,
My mum lives with me too but I can't get her reapite because she has to agree to it! Mum won't and that is the only thing she understands is when someone is trying to consider that as an option.
She makes ss think she does nt need help, but I do, I will need some respite. How do you all manage to get it without agreement? The as tell me she has to agree to it! Although I do wander if I will actually get respite because when I actually think about it I am over run with guilt and can't bear the thought, its her worst nightmare, she's always said she will haunt me if I put her in a home!! How nice haha!!
If I go to a private home can I pay for her to stay in one or do u still need Ss to say yes, I can then tell a little white lie and say she is going on a short holiday?
The only thing they offered me is a self contained place!!! That's no good or she would have starved by the time I get home!!
Thanks in advance
Sarah x
My mum lives with me too but I can't get her reapite because she has to agree to it! Mum won't and that is the only thing she understands is when someone is trying to consider that as an option.
She makes ss think she does nt need help, but I do, I will need some respite. How do you all manage to get it without agreement? The as tell me she has to agree to it! Although I do wander if I will actually get respite because when I actually think about it I am over run with guilt and can't bear the thought, its her worst nightmare, she's always said she will haunt me if I put her in a home!! How nice haha!!
If I go to a private home can I pay for her to stay in one or do u still need Ss to say yes, I can then tell a little white lie and say she is going on a short holiday?
The only thing they offered me is a self contained place!!! That's no good or she would have starved by the time I get home!!
Thanks in advance
Sarah x
I had someone I respect highly ask me a simple question. Was your mum content during her weeks respite I answered as far as I know yes, then they asked did you not let her stay there. It really challenged me twelve months later now in CH. I ask myself now did mum stay home for me or her
