Can I decide for her?

[GiCo]

Mum lives 200 miles away. She has carers in 4 times a day to manage her medication and meals. She can still manage some aspects of her life herself and has friends who are very kind to her. She has lost all sense of time and money so her diabetes was very poorly managed until I managed to get carers involved. However, there are always emergencies and the care team, rightly, expect me to sort these out.

I have driven to Mum's every weekend for the last 2 months and am utterly exhausted. I have a demanding job and a family to manage during the week. The latest disaster is that the back of her washing machine was leaking and the floor has wet rot and the whole kitchen/utility room floor will have to be replaced..an insurance job, but impossible with Mum in the house.

I want Mum to move closer to me as I feel I cannot support her without having some kind of breakdown myself. When she got her diagnosis she said that she would consider moving to a small flat in my town, but now she will not hear of a move. Her awareness of her own frailties is very limited though.

I know she will deteriorate if I insist she moves, or invite her for a "holiday", as she will be isolated here without her friends and comfortable routines.

How do I balance my needs with hers?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello GiCo

However, there are always emergencies and the care team, rightly, expect me to sort these out.

I don`t think the care team is right in expecting you to sort out difficulties from 200 miles away. They are just passing the buck.
They should inform you as next of kin and probably consult with you, but should not expect you to find a solution.

Saying this, I imagine the care team would recommend residential care if they take responsibility for your mother so you are in a very difficult situation.

Perhaps you could get the care team to encourage your mother to move to live nearer to you. The way things are, nothing will be ideal so you need to decide which is the best option; moving near to you and missing her environment or staying where she is and being at risk.

 

[FifiMo]

Could you perhaps use the insurance work as a means of trying out a care home near you? You could book her in there whilst the work is being done. Tell her it is free as there will be no water or electricity at home. Once she is there you could decide whether to make it permanent or not. These insurance jobs can take a looooooonnngg time to get finished, can't they!

Just don't mention care homes to her. A 'hotel' is the way to go. With you visiting her every day, she might settle quite quickly. I know you mention her friends as a reason for her staying where she is. There is no one however who stays the course when care homes become involved, as much as family does. In our experience there was 2 sets of friends who visited my mother regularly. They however had their own families and their own health issues and they relied on someone to take them to the hospital where my mother was at the time. As lovely as her friends and their families were, they eventually reduced their visits as time went on and this played a large part in us choosing a care home near us rather than leaving in her home town. It was absolutely the right decision for us. We went to great efforts to keep in touch with her friends. Got mum to choose cards and flowers to send for birthdays and Christmas etc and they sent her notes and postcards when they were out and about.

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[GiCo]

Thanks for your advice. If Mum was ready for a care home, life would be more straightforward. I think that she will end up living with me and a different set of carers will need to support her while I am at work. Friends who have been down this road before me advise strongly against this, but it would be for a short period, I think, until she can no longer have any independence. I would have to get rid of my dog, though, which would break my heart.

I appreciate that both of you feel that I have to move her down. I know this, really, but hate to trick her into something she does not want. I keep reminding myself that if she was her old self she would see the sense of it.

Thanks for your kind counsel!

 

[garnuft]

Why do you have to get rid of your dog?

 

[Nebiroth]

I'm not sure why it is right that the carers expect someone who lives 200 miles away to deal with emergencies. This appears to me to simply be an easy out to derrogate responsibility to someone who is conveniently willing to take on the problems.

You shou;d ask yourself, what if there was no you to pick up the pieces? Supose you lived not 200 miles away, but 2000?

In that case there would have to be mechanisms in place to have the emergencies dealt with.There are many people in your mother's position who have no relatives, or at least none who are either willing or able to what I would call pick up the slack in care plans.

It strikes me as being highly convenient that when there is a problem that you can always be relied upon to sort it out,despite the enormous problems is causes you.

Frankly I see it as neither practical nor desirable that you can come running from 200 miles away to deal with things.

I also personally think that your friends are right. I may sound blunt here but moving your mother in with you has all the potential to be a disaster.

First, the move would almost certainly leave her in a much more agitated and confused state than she already is, because you are moving her from somewhere familiar.

Second, even if this does not happen, you do not really know what coping with your mother would be like if it's on a 24/7 basis. If your mum moves in with you then there is the potential to lose some or all of the carer support she has at the moment. There is all the potential here of going through all the stress of moving her, only to find that her care needs are far greater than you thought and that you cannot manage them. Or that you can simply not cope with, say, disruptive behavior. Or that you can cope but only for a short time until your mum declines.

You already indicate that you have a stressful job plus your family. Your own family must take first place as I am sure your mother would have put your first. You do not want to end up in a situation where you face a choice between your marriage or your mother.

Also, there is a question of your dog, pets are really family members in a good home, and as you say you would be heartbroken.

I don;t mean to sound harsh but I think you need to listen very carefuly to what your friends are saying, they are speaking from experience.

Lastly, you say when your mother is "ready for a care home". If you are speaking of what she would like or coming around to the idea because she herself realises she needs a lot of help, I think either of those are exceptionally unlikely. Most people understandably don;t want a care home but some accept it because they themselves see how much help they need. But people with dementia hardly ever perceive their own deficits and they think there is nothing wrong with them.

Sadly, it will be mainly a judgment by yourself (or by social services) and to be honest it sounds to be like a care home is a logical step from someone who already has four carer visits a day and is still having regular disasters your are called upon to sort out.

 

[GiCo]

Why do you have to get rid of your dog?

For Mum and the dog. Mum is very shaky on her feet and I have a spaniel with a very waggy tail. Mum claims that the dog's tail hurts her legs and Mum has been knocked over by the dog before. Also Mum could not be relied upon not to let the dog out onto the busy main street. With lots of carers in and out of the house when I am at work, I don't think the dog would be safe. I've thought about a kennel and run in the back garden for when I am at work, but she has always been an inside dog.

 

[angecmc]

Hi, I have to say I agree with Nebiroth,it would be very difficult for you working in a stressful job as well as trying to care for your Mum, also if social workers think a relative will look after their relative, it is very difficult to then get them into a carehome. The other thing is it would also mean two moves for your Mum whereas if you go straight for the carehome option it is less upheaval for Mum overall. It is all very well having good intentions and we all feel we should be responsible for looking after our loved ones, but we have to also consider our own families and the toll it inevitably takes on our own health, I ended up giving up my job to help look after my Mum as the stress was tremendous and that was without me actually living with my parents. Remember there is no knowing how long someone will survive with this dreadful disease which often leads to incontinence and also violent behaviour, you really need to consider if you want to let the rest of your family be involved with this. A terribley hard decision for you to have to make, I feel for you, take care xx

 

[GiCo]

But people with dementia hardly ever perceive their own deficits and they think there is nothing wrong with them.

Indeed. You talk a lot of good sense here. It is so hard to see your way through the forest of guilt-ridden options.

 

[meme]

pity you can't take the dog to work with you!..it seems mighty unfair on you and the dog to be even considering un-homing , I do hope you come to a decision that doesn't include this ...