Coasting along the bottom

[scared daughter]

Today I visited the nursing home my mum will be discharged from hospital to........

It's been a bloomin long journey, the financial side of it is overwhelming and as for the guilt well.................what can I say?

Where do we keep the fact sheets? I am swimming in terminology here, not a clue what we will do, just want mum in and settled, she needs to be settled and safe as the hospital ward is too busy and noisy for her. she is now visibly deteriorating =o(

 

[end of my rope]

Hello

just thought I should give you a bump up the listing - how is the nursing home? Are you content with it?
Going through something similar myself with regard to my mother.

Take care

Best love

eomr

 

[Jo1958]

Hi, you've had a long and tiring day, I hope that the nursing home you visited was OK and you are happy that it's going to be your mum's home when she leaves hospital, it's good to meet the staff and start to get the feel of the place.

The factsheets are all available through one of those clever link things from the top of the page, on my screen it's under the Welcome, scroll to the top of the page and it's there, if not then one of the more technologically knowledgeable among us will be along to help.

I hope that you have enough time to get things sorted and your mum's move goes well, take care of yourself,
with best wishes from Jo

 

[grobertson62]

guilt

Hi
What is it they say... Been there done that got the tshirt
Chosing a home is hard. The guilt well that lasts..
Well it did for me. I didnt want my dad in a nh but didnt have a choice. My head knew it was right
But the heart thats a whole other matter
All i can say is with hindsight it does get easier.
I hope all goes well for you
Gill

 

[scared daughter]

The home is for us as good a fit as it can get, perfect location for all family members and all her friends who will visit and have been in hospital.

Was happy with the staff and saw a resident in an amotional and distressed state wanting to go home to her mum in a taxi. Was VERY reassured when i heard them talking to the lady gently and distracting her. Int he end the elderly lady did say yes I bet my mum knows I am here *more tears*

It is so hard, but shes too unwell and needs nursing care, the ward environment is making her unsettled and she is visibly shrinking before our eyes. We can sort her room out before she arrives too, so she can feel as at home as possible am currently working out what tp put in her room to get her as happy as possible

See HAPPY a word so often so far from the lips of a family in the hell of alzhiemers x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi scared daughter, in exactly the same boat with you, and it feels like it has many leaks right now.

Dad has been in hospital for 3 weeks and lost 3kg, become unusually abusive, fearful, in tears, uncooperative about tablets, hates the noise and feels so alone without Mum or me by his side at night.

His treatment has ended and he can't go back home, and we are trying to find time to see homes. Mum doesn't drive and most of the closer ones are not as desirable as those a bit further away. It's such a delicate balancing act.

I'm glad you've found somewhere for your mum and you're making her space homely and welcoming. The guilt is a demon and I do know I shall never get rid of it, I may just need to learn to live with it, so I wish you luck with that too. There are no winners in dementia are there? It's a tragic and rough road.

I hope the support and comfort you receive here will salve some of those wounds and help make it a little kinder and gentler. All the best with the move.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[LYN T]

Hi

I feel very sorry for you-I know exactly where you are at as my OH went to a CH last Thursday. The upshot of that move is that P is in a very caring place.The staff are lovely to him even though he has not slept for the three nights that he has been there.As they said to me 'how could you put up with that Lyn?'

As for the guilt? Well I'm in bits at the moment but I hope that guilt monster will be kicked into touch as time goes on.

We do what we have to do.

Take care and I hope that the move goes well.

Love from Lyn T

 

[scared daughter]

Thanks guys, let's hope we all get as sorted as we can be. As for the guilt monster, he's following me but I am trying not to let it upset me because I know I am doing the very best for mum, and at the end of the day as long as we do our very best then what more can we do?

*gulp* xx

 

[TaraT]

Hi Scared Daughter
My mum was sectioned in Feb/March and has been in a home for around 4 weeks now. I thought mum would hate it, but she has settled well. I take her out every weekend and we have a lovely time (it used to be stressful). We went to the beach yesterday and then to a pub in the afternoon where we were entertained by a singer, while we were in the sun. I didn't have any dread that she would get anxious and want to go home....or that when we got home she would turn on me and I would get thrown out.

She has settled well. It doesn't work for all, but I wanted to tell you a positive story. She is less stressed, she is on the right medication. I am less stressed, as I don't spend all morning cleaning, the afternoon going shopping and then the entire evening waiting for her to turn and for it to all go horribly wrong.....while I watch the BBC news on continual loop (because she doens't like any other channel). I then don't spend my time at 3am carting her back from chasing her cats around the road.

I just enjoy the good times....and I make the most of every minute. I'm not saying that the guilt isn't there. Yesterday I cried as I took her out. I do still cry a lot...guilt, sadness, the lot. However, mum is settled, she has her hair done every week, she goes out on their weekly trips out and she has company all day. I still pay her carer to go in twice a week to check she is ok and involved in the activities. Al the reports I get back are positive.

After 5 years of direct caring, I can go shopping and organise my social life....they say it's the small things in life... I walk down the street listening to the birds singing...I haven't noticed them for 5 years... I feel relaxed, I know mum is being looked after. I cry when I see her face light up when she sees me.......

Sorry that I have jumped from one thing to another, but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it does work out well. It's not the outcome we would want for our loved ones, but it may work out well for you. Good luck
Tara T

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Tara T, I for one am relishing a positive story about a CH, and I'm so glad you could be honest here and say that caring 24/7 can be a recipe for meltdown. How lovely that you can truly enjoy the time you spend with your mum, and she is safe and happy. Guilt seems to reign supreme in dementia, and I know I'm struggling with the idea of Dad going into a CH because so feel as though Mum and I should be able to care of him ourselves, but I have to accept that Mum's health and well-being is as important as Dad's, and her life has many productive years.

Enjoy those birds, and the walks and shops.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[TaraT]

Thanks Stephanie. To be honest, althought it was a terrible experience in that mum was sectioned, both my brother and I were at work so the choice was taken out of our hands in a sense.

Neither of us wanted her to go in a home so we just battled on.....and all 3 of us were on breaking point. In a way, it was easier for us to make the decision as she didn't go from her own home, she was transferred straight from hospital. She was therefore on the right medication and a lot calmer.

Scared Daughter - could I also say that mum is flourishing at the home. They have lots of activities that she gets involved in and she has made another friend who is as naughty and active as she is - they call them "double trouble!!" I know a lot of loved ones can dip in a home, but some don't. Mum is cleaner, sparkier and looks younger (if that's possible). I do exactly the same with her now as I used to.

My thoughts are with you, let us know how it goes

TaraT

 

[bridges]

Today I visited the nursing home my mum will be discharged from hospital to........

It's been a bloomin long journey, the financial side of it is overwhelming and as for the guilt well.................what can I say?

Where do we keep the fact sheets? I am swimming in terminology here, not a clue what we will do, just want mum in and settled, she needs to be settled and safe as the hospital ward is too busy and noisy for her. she is now visibly deteriorating =o(

My mum ended up in 3 care homes, after being assesed by them all, who then turned around to say they couldn't cope with her,and had to be moved on. Choose carefully!

 

[scared daughter]

Oh Tara am seriously hoping this is the case for us. I work and have school age children, this has been a nightmare.

As for the home not coping, it is an EMI nursing home, not sure what I will do if they can't cope with a frail confused lady =o( Getting a tad worried now it never occured to me they would say she had to leave!

 

[TaraT]

Hi Scared Daughter,

Don't panic!!! Have a look around lots of homes and get one that suits your mum. Think about what she likes and enjoys and what would make the home think about moving her (if you are now worried about that). Get a feel for the place - is it clean, do they have activities and trips out (if so, how often) etc..

My mum is in EMD, but they also have an EMI unit on the ground floor. I didn't want mum moved again and they have assured me that they won't do so. They carried out an assessment when she was in hospital and they said that they love having her there. There is a man, who can get a bit aggressive, but they manage him very well.

The home is square shaped so my mum and the other residents can wander around. They have a lovely sitting room, but also a 'beach room' with sensory equipment in. They also have a bar downstairs so that the residents think they have had a night out. They have trips every Wednesday in the summer, manicurist and a hairdresser who comes twice a week. An entertainer came last Thursday etc.. etc... This is what I needed for mum.

They allow visitors at any time, which I like, as I can go at any time with no restrictions.

My advice is think about what is best for you and your mum, what you want from the home and if you have any concerns or worries about her being moved or not accepted, discuss them with the Manager of the home. Talk to those visiting relatives at the home for their views. I'm sure your fears will be aleviated.

Mum going into a home was my worst nightmare. So far (touch wood) it is working out well and I never ever thought that my mum would settle in a home. Be positive, think about what you want, you will have positive visits with the peace of mind that your mum is well looked after and you can have a life as well with your family. That is priceless!!!

 

[scared daughter]

Waa thanks Tara T, this is an EMI Nursing / Care home I did want one that would hopefully be able to keep her "forever" as moving her would be very difficult. They are assessing her tomorrow and I will know more.

It's all just so horrendouly difficult I'm not just round the corner and work with a slipped disk to boot...............the crisis happened at the worst possible time for me. I guess thats how life rolls.

I am desperate for this home to work, the location is ideal for everyone, they seemed lovely and mums room is quite close to the sensory room, this too is square and roaming is encouraged apparently

My mum's too poorly to roam, shes fallen and chipped her pelvis, it's all been rather horrendous xx

 

[ritchie]

Hi scared daughter

Know only too well what ur going through mum been in hospital 6 wks 2mrw. She also has been diagnosed with cancer since her admission.
Found a lovely home today staff seem very friendly & think mum will settle in there as it's very informal & homely, but share ur worry about her move as that will be her permanent home now so as u say it has to be the right decision.
My mum is also being assessed 2mrw by the care home manager, wishing u all the strength for the near future, keep us posted X