Is our grief different?

[24fan]

Is our grief different? I haven't lost anyone before; my grandparents either died before I was born or when I was too small to notice, even my father's funeral was the first one I'd ever been to and I'm 52 so this is all totally new to me. I don't know what the grief of losing a parent is like when they have all their faculties but it seems to me now, as I am in this place, that maybe ours is a different grief due to the nature of having the role of carer. Our lives are set aside to be everything to that person, all the time, all the thoughts, all the advanced thinking, all the doing, let alone the very personal stuff like wiping bottoms and feeding that make a 'normal' bond into something different, to me. My father was totally reliant on me, there was so little about me any more, it was all about him - not that I'm complaining, it's just fact - I feel like half of me isn't there any more, I don't know what to do. Surely this closeness we have with the person we care for, if it was like my father and I, makes us a different group of people in grief.

We can't have counselling for another month but I'm wondering if there are dedicated groups for bereaved carers, or should there be?

 

[nitram]

I personally found the anticipatory grief worse than the grief on death.

Have you contacted

http://www.cruse.org.uk/ ?

 

[AntheaC]

caring for family

I am sorry I don't know your name but yes I do believe that what you are experiencing is more than just grieving for your dad. You are greiving for the loss of your 'job' and for the whole life you had built up around him. This is very hard for you and I would think it will take some time and some good people around you to get to begin to think about the new life you will have to build up for yourself.
I still have my parents but I have a close friend who spent over 5 years caring for her mum and when she died it was devastating. Not only did she lose her only surviving parent, but also her role as carer and her house, because seh had moved back in with her mum and had to leave when the willwas read. The good news is, she has now married a lovely man and has gone back to the work she did before and has a full life. It is hard, but not impossible.
I worry for my dad who is fulltime carer for my mum - when she dies he will loose the partner he has known for almost 60 years and the person he thinks about first thing in the morning, organises his day around, worries about constantly, puts first in his decisions and waks up on to check in the middle of the night.
There are special bereavement councellors out there - some private ones would be able to take you immediately if you need help now, but it is pricey adn you would be best to get a recommendation. There is a website of all registered counsellors so you can find one easily. You would need to check with the library or citizen's advice or maybe even your local chemist may know if there is a support-group in your area.
keep talking online at the minute - this is a great site to help you through

 

[winda]

Hi 24fan,

I lost my husband last October and went for counselling with Cruse (I see Nitram has sent you a link to them).
I only had one session as I didn't feel that one-to-one counselling would help me. I am now, however, going to join a friendship group which is also organised by Cruse. I don't think they have these groups in all areas.

I hope you find something to help you, it is very hard ....

 

[24fan]

I meant is the grief of carers different?

Thank your for your replies. We are on the waiting list for some counselling but it will be a few more weeks yet.

I don't the experience to say but I just wondered if ours was a different grief because, yes, we have lost every aspect of our lives in being carers and yes, I was defined by that and yes, I don't know who I am any more.

Unfortunate timing but my best friend comes to visit yearly (on business but with extra days added to spend with me) and has just been to stay. I met up with her and one of her business colleagues (and her sister) and it was like a world I don't belong in; homes, husbands, children, work, nice clothes, shopping - certainly nowhere I belong or can see myself belonging. I am lost.

But the grief surely must be different to someone, however, close where you are not feeding them, washing them, dressing them, putting them to bed, whose life you are not actually, completely responsible for, in every way, every moment of the day. That bond seems to me to be of such strength that having it wrenched away from a carer, no matter when that happens - too early in our case - or at the end of the journey if that is the case, is just too devastating to bear.

My mother likened Daddy to a special needs child and that, for me, seems like a good analogy. As I had no children and wanted them desperately, I think all the mothering that was in me and hadn't been used was there for Daddy's needs. I didn't baby him but he was cossetted and taken very good care of and I think, for me, that's how this feels, maybe.

I just think that we, as a group, have such a close, physically and mentally intense relationship with the person we care for that the level of grief seems as though it must be is more than 'normal' but then, as I said, I've never had a relationship with a parent who had all their faculties and I didn't 'care' for in that way so I can't judge. It's just my opinion.