Anyone else have family members who have just walked away and left you to it?

[scared daughter]

Hi and help

My mums in hospital NOT going home, very complicated situation and my only sibling has basically said no thanks and left me to it.

It's shattering enough without the complete lack of support. I have to put mum in a home ( something she got very angry about towards me) alone, deal with the legal side and the financial side alone. I know I could be an only child, but it's just really upsetting me =o(

 

[Delphie]

I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too.

The only positive I can think of is something I took comfort from, as an only child, when having to go through the same stuff with my mum, and that is at least no one will oppose or question your decisions. Well, they can try but if they've completely withdrawn themselves from the process I know what my answer would be!

Take a deep breath and do what has to be done for your mum, whether she appreciates it or not. You'll get through it and you'll know in your heart of hearts that you did the right thing.

 

[starryuk]

I have to put mum in a home ( something she got very angry about towards me) alone, deal with the legal side and the financial side alone. I know I could be an only child, but it's just really upsetting me =o(

Me too! . Luckily I have friends who have helped me. I am sorry it has all been left to you to sort out, but you can do it, one step at a time. Get help from professionals where you can and maybe advice from your local Alzheimers Society.

Good luck,

 

[cragmaid]

Poor you, I'm the middle one of 3 girls, but I'm an only too....eldest lives in Africa and yougest died 17 years ago.
First things first, do you have LPAs in place, because if you haven't, is there any way your Mum could sign them if asked. She only has to be witnessed signing them and showing that she understood AT THE TIME of signing.
Do you have a social worker or are the Hospital Social Workers helping you? Have you had a chance to look round any homes?
Your Mum will be angry and confused so naturally she is going to take it out on the first available ( you!). You must try, where possible to put the blame on the anonomous "They or Them" and that good old fall back "The Doctors say"...as in "They say you need etc". that way you are not taking the blame in front of her.
Take it all slowly, None of this is your fault, make sure that you keep your sibling in the loop, that way they can't say they didn't know or YOU didn't tell them!!!!
It is hard, but it can be done. Good luck.x.

 

[kingmidas1962]

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - I would too and so would most others. I hope your sibling doesn't think that (s)he will have ANY say in anything from this point forwards. Do you happen to have Power of Attorney or guardianship for your mum? If you don't this is one of the things that is worth doing and if your mum still has capacity she can grant POA to you - any decision about her finances or health (there are two different types) then any decisions which need to be made about anything related to either of these will be down to you and your sibling will have no say in the matter.

I know you will do the right thing for your mum - and you know you will too. I do wish you didn't have to do it alone. I do have a sibling but he is a long way away and apart from the odd visit he doesn't do anything either but he hasn't absolved himself of responsibility, he's just not in a position to take any, which is different.

Its a good job you are here - its a mine of information and there are loads of us here who will be happy to (virtually) hold your hand all the way through it
xxxx

 

[Norfolkgirl]

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - I would too and so would most others. I hope your sibling doesn't think that (s)he will have ANY say in anything from this point forwards. Do you happen to have Power of Attorney or guardianship for your mum? If you don't this is one of the things that is worth doing and if your mum still has capacity she can grant POA to you - any decision about her finances or health (there are two different types) then any decisions which need to be made about anything related to either of these will be down to you and your sibling will have no say in the matter.

I know you will do the right thing for your mum - and you know you will too. I do wish you didn't have to do it alone. I do have a sibling but he is a long way away and apart from the odd visit he doesn't do anything either but he hasn't absolved himself of responsibility, he's just not in a position to take any, which is different.

Its a good job you are here - its a mine of information and there are loads of us here who will be happy to (virtually) hold your hand all the way through it
xxxx

If you don't already have LPA AND your mother doesn't have capacity, you may have to apply to be a deputy but a word of warning, hopefully your sibling hasn't already gone down this route behind your back and saying they are not going to be involved could be a way to make you think that's final. I am speaking from experience as a possibility this could potentially affect you. Hopefully I'm wrong, for your sake.

 

[scared daughter]

This is why it is messy, she started LPA and never went though with it, hospital and social worker are sorting out Court of Protection - which my sister wants no part in.

She likes ot tell me what she thinks but wants no involvement or "commitment" her excuse I live a long way away with a family and a job. And here I am a long way away with a family and a job x

I'm just having a pity party, thanks for the advice guys I am at another meeting on monday I shall just ask for as much help as i can get =o(

 

[Rosie Webros]

Hi there, I think that is the best thing to do - to ask for as much help as you can get. It is an awful situation for you to have to cope with, let alone cope with on your own. We had to do exactly the same for our dad. He was in hospital over Christmas and went straight into a nursing home from the hospital.

If you have a good social worker, then lean on her or him as much as possible, that's what they are there for. I am afraid we were not so lucky, our social worker was part time and did not give us any help at all. But there are some really good social workers out there, and hopefully yours is one of them.

I wish you all the best, and I think someone has already said, take one day at a time and I am sure it will all work out alright in the end.

Good luck, Rosie xx

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Scared Daughter

I am also in the same situation. My invisible lives in Australia and seems not even able to pick up the phone to my mum these days - she does send a very nice Religious Christmas Card though She has been gone since 1968 and been back just once.

I however do everything (carers in the mornings and if I am going out or on holiday), and find it easier to operate as if I am an only child - self preservation I think it is called

I have EPA which is now registered. I dont have to consult anyone on my mothers care I do what I think is the right thing to do although I do speak to my husband when I am not sure.

Get the LPA set up in your name and then do as your gut tells you. I am so far removed from anyone in a caring situation by nature, but I have learned and feel I do a grand job. Mum is safe, clean, well fed etc etc and that is all that matters.

 

[Polly1945]

Hi Scared Daughter

Yes I too am in the same position as many others here on this forum. The Invisibles as we call them is a good word for uncaring siblings.

My brother lives in Spain and has visited my Mum only once in two years and that was for just one hour. What makes it worse is that he is an Elder/Minister in his religion (JW) and preaches to others about caring for your parents etc.

So I feel like an only child with all the responsibility. Thankfully my husband and son both are very supportive and help out whenever they can.

It hurts though when my Mum asks "Have I got a son?"

Love
Pauline

 

[SWMBO1950]

Polly my sister is by all accounts very religious these days, having found 'God' again. Given her attitude towards her mother I feel I have more Christianity in my little finger than she has in her whole body.

As I have said before she sends a really nice religious Christmas Card

Hi Scared Daughter

Yes I too am in the same position as many others here on this forum. The Invisibles as we call them is a good word for uncaring siblings.

My brother lives in Spain and has visited my Mum only once in two years and that was for just one hour. What makes it worse is that he is an Elder/Minister in his religion (JW) and preaches to others about caring for your parents etc.

So I feel like an only child with all the responsibility. Thankfully my husband and son both are very supportive and help out whenever they can.

It hurts though when my Mum asks "Have I got a son?"

Love
Pauline

 

[kate1011]

Hi this is my first reply as I'm new to this site x I know exactly how u feel I am one of 4 but really on my own I get very angry towards the others as they have the luxury of still having mum I just get the problems that need sorting is this the same for u ? Although like someone said earlier at least we have no arguments in the care and decisions we make x I know I prefer them not getting involved cause that way I know exactly where my mum is up to with her care finances and everything x sending everyone love and hugs

 

[jenniferpa]

This won't be any surprise to people posting to this thread, but I read something in my Sunday paper this week that research in the US shows that in 90% of cases, one sibling does the lion's share of the work in caring for an elderly parent.

 

[zeeeb]

Yep, join the club, my sister lives overseas, comes and visits once every few years, provides very rare phone or internet support.

 

[Norfolkgirl]

Yep, join the club, my sister lives overseas, comes and visits once every few years, provides very rare phone or internet support.

So we should ALL live abroad? what would happen then?

 

[Kittyann]

Funny how things look so different from another perspective. I'm a new member who has been feeling sorry for myself because I'm a single woman and only child caring for my Mother whose dementia has recently taken a turn for the worse. I'd been imagining how much better and easier it would be if I had a partner or siblings.

I now see that having all of those things doesn't necessarily make things any easier and sometimes even makes it worse!

I guess there is just no easy way to deal with this situation but it does seem a shame when siblings walk away and provide no practical or even emotional support.

But like pretty much everything else to do with this horrible illness, being angry or upset achieves zilch. Even though it is very hard to avoid.

 

[Norfolkgirl]

Funny how things look so different from another perspective. I'm a new member who has been feeling sorry for myself because I'm a single woman and only child caring for my Mother whose dementia has recently taken a turn for the worse. I'd been imagining how much better and easier it would be if I had a partner or siblings.

I now see that having all of those things doesn't necessarily make things any easier and sometimes even makes it worse!

I guess there is just no easy way to deal with this situation but it does seem a shame when siblings walk away and provide no practical or even emotional support.

But like pretty much everything else to do with this horrible illness, being angry or upset achieves zilch. Even though it is very hard to avoid.

Think yourself lucky! At least you don't need to argue with anyone or have anyone else benefitting from and cashing in on such vulnerable adults as in my case.

 

[gillou]

I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. When the invisible siblings are old and neady they will realise the error of thier ways. We carers shall all get our reward one way or another, maybe in this life maybe in the next, maybe it is just the knowledge that we stood up and were counted and did what we and our conciences had to do!

 

[ceroc46]

Yep, me too. I have a brother who lives 20 minutes away. Doesn't phone or visit, but he's the one she remembers

 

[longacre]

I have one who does and one who doesnt...it has brought the two of us even closer together than we were. I do all the finances and did for mother, father and stepfather. Sometimes it feels like a job (on top of a job...). But for the ones that dont, often they can't. Deal with it, face it and manage it. It drives me bonkers sometimes and on several occasions over the last eight years I have railed against it all furiously. I am no saint and in the beginning I resented the time I was going to have to spend on all of this. But ultimately we all do what we are able to. I think I have got to the place now where I understand this - after huge amounts of gnashing and grinding of teeth - and it has helped me feel calmer about the whole thing. But I am eight years in and I would not have been able to write this response even two years ago probably. So I suppose my thoughts are that it can get easier (a bit) in terms of how you feel about it. You cant ever change your siblings, maddening though that is, you can only change how you react to it. And I realised that teeth gnashing actually just drove me and my partner really round the twist and didnt change anything. It is horribly difficult. And I am sitting her tonight knowing I have to ring the bank about something on my mothers account and part of my just cant be bothered...!