Stepmother blocking access to father in hospital

[09florence]

Hello all,

I'm new to this forum and the reason I'm here is because my father has recently been diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia. He has been getting steadily more confused and detached from reality over the last couple of years and has sharply declined since March, which coincided with his financial situation becoming very difficult.

I am one of four grown-up children from my father's first marriage to our mother. We are all very close to our father and see and speak to him every week. However our father married again and has two young children, and his wife is very hostile to me and my siblings. Yesterday, after becoming very concerned that we hadn't heard from our dad for 10 days, and repeatedly trying to contact him either by ringing his mobile, the landline, or going round to the house, we found out that our dad was sectioned 7 or 8 days ago and is being held in a hospital. Our stepmother had not bothered to tell us and had been actively avoiding our efforts to contact him or her. After speaking to a doctor at the hospital we have discovered that as next of kin/nearest relative she has asked for them not to talk to us or tell us anything.

Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and know what our rights are and what we can do? We are desperate to see our dad but have been told we can't visit him without our stepmother's permission, which will clearly be very difficult to obtain.

Thanks in advance.

F

 

[gillou]

I had a similar experience with my step mother when my father had a heart attack three years ago. Unfortunatley there is not a lot you can do except to see a solicitor and get an access order. This can be long and costly so if you take my advice I would write to your stepmother and appeal to her better nature. Try and word it so as to give the impression you wish to support her in her time of need, try not to seem threatening or righteous, even though I no exactly how upsetting this can be. I would not however try and contact her in person or by telephone as it may be very hard to keep your cool and she may feel backed into a corner and react badly.
On another level maybe in your fathers current state he has brought up things from the past that may be distressing him now. Perhaps he feels he betryed your mother by marrying again, perhaps he feels he betrayed you and your siblings by having other children and now in his distrested state these thing are coming to the surface,
my MIL doesn't want to see her two daughters or the grand children as she is aware that she is not herself and doesn't want them to see her like that. That doesn't mean she doesn't love them or think about them constantly, she says she will see them when she gets better, but she won't get better and her son and I have not the heart to tell her.
So write calmly and clearly so that you can get to the bottom of this,because what ever happens you need answers.
Good luck

 

[Jessbow]

Who has told you that you cannot visit without your step mothers permission? I think a hospital ward would find that a very difficult call, you are , after all, his children

 

[jenniferpa]

Who has told you that you cannot visit without your step mothers permission? I think a hospital ward would find that a very difficult call, you are , after all, his children

When it comes to sectioning, I'm afraid that the hospital do have that right. Theoretically they could even stop the nearest relative visiting if they thought it was detrimental.

 

[FifiMo]

There is a difference between her telling the hosp not to divulge medical information to you and her instructing them to block access to him. Given your closeness to him, the hospital would have the ability themselves to grant you access if contact with you was beneficial to his treatment or recovery!

Maybe a starting point might be to go to the hospital and have a chat with the Patient Advisory and Liaison Service... PALS....folks. This cannot be the first time this has happened so they might have some suggestions as to how to deal with this.

Fiona

 

[Jessbow]

When it comes to sectioning, I'm afraid that the hospital do have that right. Theoretically they could even stop the nearest relative visiting if they thought it was detrimental.

I am sure the hospital do if its in the patients best interest- doesn't sound as though it originates from the hospital. I thought poster implied that step mum had issued the instruction.

 

[09florence]

Thank you for your helpful responses. At the moment the doctors at the hospital are saying we need to try and communicate with our stepmother, the problem is she is so hostile and sometimes just actively avoids us, not answering the phone or the door even when we can see she is in. I think it's still a good idea to write to her though we have tried suggesting mediation and she ignored the letter.

The doctor didn't come out and say 'she's told us not to speak to you,' but he kept going on about how 'awkward' it is and how he was in a difficult position. He was shocked that our stepmother hadn't told us our dad was in hospital. However when I told him that my stepmother had given me a couple of bits of information he relaxed and told me some more stuff (this was how I found out he'd been sectioned).

The doctor has recently told me that he has asked my dad if he wants to see me and my dad said yes, so the doctor seems to think it will be beneficial and that it's important to get my dad's opinion even though he isn't well. But they don't want anyone to visit until the weekend anyway, by which time my dad will have been there for 2 weeks without seeing anyone.

The PALS idea is a good one, we will follow that up. We are having to take it a day at a time and do what the doctors say, for the time being at least, as we are desperate to see him and don't want to jeopardise that.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi 09florence

I am really sorry about your fathers illness and the fact he is in hospital.

I have no really helpful suggestions for you as I think that has already been done by others.

My only comment would be that I feel your step mother is not being nice to either her husband or his children (that is my polite version).

I wish you luck and hope you get something sorted soon very as it seems very cruel on the part of your SM.

Best Best Wishes

 

[HelenInBC]

I'm not sure how it works where you are, but I'm a nurse in Canada. I know that the only way we can prevent certain visitors to a patient is if there is some sort of court order in place - like a restraining order of protection.
Otherwise, if the patient wants to see the family members we cannot prevent them from visiting.

I think if I were you, I would contact the hospital administration and find out if they have a patient advocate or social worker to help to navigate this smoothly. If your stepmother doesn't have a legal reason to prevent you from visiting, I don't think she can do this.

 

[jenniferpa]

The doctor has recently told me that he has asked my dad if he wants to see me and my dad said yes, so the doctor seems to think it will be beneficial and that it's important to get my dad's opinion even though he isn't well. But they don't want anyone to visit until the weekend anyway, by which time my dad will have been there for 2 weeks without seeing anyone.

Then it doesn't sound as if your step-mother has been the one to stop you visiting but that the hospital asked no one to visit which is rather different.

I understand that you are upset that your SM hasn't and won't keep you informed about your father's health and you obviously need to address that.

 

[09florence]

Thanks again for responses. Once in the hospital we found out from the nurses that my stepmother had been visiting, it was just us (his children) who were kept out. Unfortunately the PALS service in the hospital has been cut, but we've been told my dad has been assigned a social worker so we need to have a talk to her. We still have no idea as to what led to him being sectioned.

My sister has found out from the charity Mind that under the Mental Capacity Act, 'best interest decisions' should be made by taking into account 'the views of carers, people with an interest in the person’s welfare, or those appointed to act for the person.' - which sounds as if they should consult more widely than with just the next of kin. We are continuing to research into our legal position anyway.

Thanks for your thoughts.