Apparently, I'm obsessed with my mother

[HelenInBC]

Since my mom was diagnosed 4 years ago with AD, I have been her primary caregiver. She lives alone, but I manage her finances and her day to day care- companion care and care provided by the pharmacy to deliver and administer her meds. I have tried and tried to get my siblings to help more with my mom's care, but what it comes down to is this: I work shift work (I'm a nurse) and they all either work Monday-Friday or live far away. 4 out of the 5 of us live within an hour's drive of her home.
Recently, I sent yet another frustrated email to them- letting them know I'm feeling overwhelmed and need help with making decisions and arranging care to keep our mother safe.
Interestingly, my sister replied asking me if I thought I might be obsessing about our mom and that she's all I ever think about. She said that hygiene issues like incontinence or wearing smelly clothing wasn't dangerous or life threatening. She doesn't worry, so why should I?

Apparently it's obsessing to want your mother to be clean and smell good, eat properly and take her medications.

 

[Mw122]

I know how you feel I'm an only child when my mom was here (I lost her 13 wks ago after a 10 yr battle with early onset dementia she was 59) I had members of the family say I was over anguish and making matters worse my moms brothers and sisters where no help at all during her illness. It must be so frustrating and awful for you to have brothers and sisters who just sit on the fence and carry on as if nothing's happening. I can't say anything to make things better but remember everyone here knows how you feel and will listen to you. Try and take no notice of how your siblings are behaving stay positive take care Marie xxxxxx

 

[gillou]

I think that you have to look after your mum the way that your conscience dictates, after all you have to live with the consequenses. I know only to well your situation, I look after my MIL, my husband does nothing at all to help even though he works 80% on full pay (He's a nurse and we live in France). I look after his Mum 100% for no pay, gave up my job, silly me. Have seen one of his sisters once this year and the other one stayed one night last year.
It's very hard, doubley hard when other people prefere to critize rather then help. Maybe you could suggest to your sister that she is right, you have been over doing it and need to take a break to take a step back; and could she take over for a weekend.
(She could stay at your house with Mum that way there is no way she can use space/mum in car/ awkward stairs as excuse). Worth a try!

 

[Big Effort]

Hi Helen,

This is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. Guilt may play a role. Denial definitely. So when the caring sister needs help, reality and an unwelcome one at that, rears its ugly head. So the only solution for invisibles-by-choice is to find fault with you. So Helen, stop obsessing, won't you. Get a life! Who cares about a bit of smelly clothing. That's normal in dementia, so don't fuss.

I am sorry it is like this for you. Having just spend a day in hospital for temporary amnesia, I am shocked and scrabbling to find out why now. Why the stress now when i have at last found a way of putting in live in carer with Mum. Why now? One reason may be my Invisibles. About three weeks ago I emailed them to see if they would like regular updates on Mum as she is failing. The one in Australia replied immediately and supports me. The other two never even replied. So, to be fair, I sent a second email. Again no response.

Perhaps, I too, would benefit from my comfortably retired, bored sister helping out once. Last time she came here, May last year, she complained to the others that she came here to be on holiday and she felt as if she hadn't had one. Denial is a very convincing thing for the person in denial.

Your sister is in denial. You are not. Better to obsess as your Mum needs you. Much strength winging itself your way. Hugs BE

 

[garnuft]

I have four surviving siblings from five, this sort of row has been going on for 2/3 years.

I have used my last bit of energy on it and looked close at myself and big sis (we are the ones who carry the biggest burden, but I also have a severely disabled 25yr old son too)

I have decided not to do battle with it anymore, I have watched, taken part and been dragged into too many battles...

To my mind, you can't mobilise and have no right to mobilise, anyone else's conscience.

You can't expect others to feel as you do and to fill in your gaps.

These are things you must wrestle with and plant the blame upon yourself.
Therein lies peace.

After all, it's my beloved, if I want things done my way, I do them.

And if I don't want to do them, if I think my Mam is OK?

Ain't nobody going to tell me any different.

This is how we all think.

It's all subjective and we do what we do.
Best not to expect medals or give brickbats.

Saves a lot of fuming and deleted emails.

 

[Mamsgirl]

When my sisters and I were helpless my mum didn't leave us smelly or neglect our basic needs because she not only loved us, but felt responsible for our wellbeing. Fifty-odd years later I attend to many of mum's basic needs because I love her and feel responsible for much of her wellbeing. My sisters love mum no less than I do, I'm certain, and are loving daughters in their own way, but they just don't feel responsible for mum's comfort at the same level I do. My sisters and I are only doing what we're comfortable with and we're three very different people. I don't obsess about my parents, but frankly at the moment I don't have time to think about anything else. Big difference. All the best.

 

[piedwarbler]

Yep, me too. I care for my mum cos I love her and I'd want someone around to look out for me. I like to think I bring her comfort and assistance. And love and light.

I know people tell me not to go so often. My hubby says - why go? What can you do? Actually, I think I make quite a difference. It's someone walking your path with you. That's all.

You take care. You sound like just the sort of daughter I'd want. And not at all obsessive.

 

[1954]

Just do what you can do. Others will feel differently/react differently/see differently

I don't think you are obsessed with your mother. I think you care for her and are doing what you want to do

Take care x

 

[KentJude]

No you're not being obsessive Helen. Gosh absolutely not, just because you're keeping your mum clean and safe that's ridiculous!

What siblings often don't want to acknowledge is that you're compensating for them. I don't expect or want my two brothers to physically help with mum, it's my choice, albeit a case of Hobson's. If I had a sister I'd expect a lot more, which I realise is so sexist!

BUT I'd like their moral support, some understanding and for them to give her some affection when they occasionally see her, rather than look at her as if she's an out of date quiche in the reduced section at Sainsbury's. Which I'd be quite happy to see actually!

I know she's a stranger to them, but still a lost and at times scared one, who once loved us above everything. Their detachment makes me give more in compensation. Which I'm sure some believe, including them, is excessive verging on obsessive.

We all do what we have to or can do and shouldn't be judged for it.

When mum was diagnosed one of the things I promised, to try and reduce her anguish a little, was that I'd be with her the whole way. As Pied said, I want to walk her path with her. My brothers would be happy to give mum a lift to her destination but any walking is down to me!

 

[KentJude]

Sorry didn't mean to start of with a smiley!

 

[60's child]

Hi Helen
I have exactly this situation with my sister who loves Mum as much as I do but see's things very differently. I have moved next door to my mum 18 months ago, very happy to be able to care for her but as we all know, things are difficult at times and getting a break near impossible. Mum is deteriorating quite fast. My husband and I never get a day to ourselves. My sister comes up once or twice a month (she lives 80 miles away) on a thursday afternoon and goes back friday morning. Whilst this is lovely it does not help myself and hubby get a day to ourselves as we both work mon - fri. Weekends we are with mum the whole time. I asked my sister if she could possibly come up on a sat morning and stay over until sunday once or twice a month so we could have a day to ourselves. As she comes up anyway it did not seem a big deal to me. She became really upset and said that she needed to be at home weekends to be with her partner as their relationship needed it. She thinks I am overeacting as I am a nurse and Mum is not that bad. Why can we not leave her and go out and enjoy ourselves? I explained that to go out and enjoy ourselves we needed to know that Mum has company and is not lonely/ getting stressed or losing things. There is also the issue of her medication and meals as mum not able to do this for herself anymore. My sisters answer is to pay for someone to be with mum so we can go out. I know my sister is not a selfish person as it may sound. She feels a lot of guilt about not helping more and she also is in denial about how mum is. Her partner would not come with her as he finds it difficult. I cannot ask her for help now as if her relationship broke up due to her covering two saturdays it would then be my fault I have opted to just carry on for now as I do still want my sister in my life. Difficult but this forum shows me that we all deal with things in a different way. My sister is burying her head in the sand so I just have to get on with it. I love my sister so just have to accept we are different.
xx

 

[JMU]

I have been informed by my siblings that I must keep them informed with regular updates about dad's condition. Two live in the same town as us, one an hours drive away. The one who lives closest does not visit at all, the one who lives an hours drive away has visited once since diagnosis. However it seems it is my responsibility at the end of each tiring day in which I spend every moment caring for dad to sit down and give them a status update! No thanks.
I know it's guilt, shame, fear. I'm not angry with them, but I'm not making an effort for them either. I bumped into my sister a few weeks ago when dad was in respite. I informed her where he was. She said she might go and see him. Then she said she didn't see what the point was in coming over any more!
She didn't visit him. I didn't expect her to.
When this is over (and this may seem cold) I am most likely going to pack up and move closer to my friends in London. There's not much left for me here.

 

[sah]

Two phone calls this week-one brother in law off to Cyprus this week-for six weeks-one off to see daughter in America, No offers to help with their brother ( my husband).

I've more or less written them off as far as support- decided it wasn't worth the stress. However, I've also told them that I do not feel part of the family as that is how I'm treated ( only been married 7 years-husband diagnosed 5 years ago after a very strange start to a new marriage!).

In some ways it has made it easier; I feel no obligation to consult any of them about OH's care and will make decisions without consulting his siblings or his children. ( His three daughters are rare visitors) However - I do keep a log of contact as I am well aware that there will be all hell breaking out once using his money for care begins. My solicitor told me it was all about money-so that's why the log. I do not expect to be left with any money once I'm a widow-they will have to lump it!

Once this is over ( not cold at all-realistic) I will be changing my name back to my own name. My OH -when well-would have totally understood and that's all I care about. I have no wish to be part of a family who have treated him so awfully.