Just beginning the journey towards care home

[Sosister]

Mum is 83 and has vascular dementia for last 4-5 years. She lives at home with dad and my brother. Bro has full time job and looks after both parents. Dad can still drive but is in need of second hip replacement. Mum is German and has reverted to only speaking German. We are not fluent German speakers but German relative says she is speaking gibberish anyway. Dad has Insisted that mum stays at home as long as he can look after her, but has now admitted that he is not doing a good job and Bro is looking close to a breakdown. I am out of county, my sister lives abroad. All the doors have to be locked as she keeps walking off and dad has to call police. Even if we take her for a walk she won't come back into the house. She is shouting for help and calling for her parents. Last weekend we stood in the middle of the road whilst cars and buses swerved round us because I could not communicate with her and in the end I had to force her onto the pavement by holding her wrists firmly and literally dragging her off the road. She tried to kick me and bite me! On Monday I spoke with Dad who agreed the time had come to look for a home. It is something we should have done years ago! So I made the first call to their local authority and have to arrange an initial assessment via a telephone interview between them and dad. Dads main concern is how we would fund a home so I am waiting to receive all the financial fact sheets etc. but I believe that as he and Bro still live at home the house can't be sold? It is a very basic semi in an estate, nothing huge and fancy. They definitely have less than £23k in the bank so I think they will qualify for financial help. So that's the story in a nutshell.

I would love to hear of others experiences and advice about this stage.

I would also be interested about how best to make the transition to a home easier for not just mum, but dad and Bro too. There is always such a guilt thing with regards to this.

Thank you for your time x

 

[CeliaW]

Hello SoSister and welcome to Talking Point. I am sorry you have had cause to join us but you can be sure of a warm welcome and lots of information and support. Unfortunately it looks as though you made your first post at a time when the Forum was pretty busy and its got buried

I don't have any specific reply to your query but if I respond and welcome you then that will bring your post back up to the top of the list and I am sure someone who can help you will see it and respond.

Do keep posting and welcome again

Celia

 

[60's child]

Hi Sosister
I am caring for my Mum with alz and she is at home at the moment. I know the time will come when I have to consider a nursing home but even the thought of it really hurts so I do know what you mean. Such a hard decision to have to make. I am afraid that I do not know much about all the financial minefields but I do believe that if your Dad is in the house and there are not huge amounts of savings then the care would be funded by the state. I am sure someone will be along shortly with much more knowledege than me but I wanted to welcome you here. I have certainly found it a very supportive place, I am sure you will too.

 

[Sosister]

Thanks for say Hi and being so welcoming. It's been a weird week so far - dad spoken with social services and that went well. The lady from social called me afterwards which was nice. So the ball is in motion, so to speak.

The weird bit is how I have felt. I thought I'd have a sense of relief because we are now moving forward with getting the best care for everyone. But I've had this really tight feeling in my chest and under my skin. It's like nerves and butterflies and trepidation and guilt. I'm coiled like a spring and have found it really difficult to concentrate on anything. Having a simple conversation with anyone seems difficult. As its half term and I'm meant to be on holiday it's ok but back to work next week so must try to get a grip!

Anyway, thanks again and no doubt will talk soon. (This is a great place to let it all out, for sure!)

 

[60's child]

Hi Sosister
Good to hear the social services visit went well. Dementia throws us such a mixed bag of emotions it can all be a bit overwhelming at times. Try to find some time to relax if you can. Easier said than done though. We all realise that.......

 

[Sosister]

Hoping to spend a day at the beach

Also, I've just noticed that I've put this thread in probably the wrong forum! Such a noob!

Hope your day is also good x

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi Sosister,

here's hoping that all goes well with SS. I suspect that they might go for a home care package before considering permanent residential care for your mum. Don't forget that your dad is entitled to a carer's assessment and that might be a very useful thing to do especially if he's coming to the end of his tether.

As MIL lost mobility faster than ability to communicate we didn't face what you're going through now - it must be truly horrible. Big hugs and wishes for the best possible outcome for you all.

 

[gmac]

in a similar position

Hi

I'm in a similar position, my father was diagnosed last year with Alzheimer's after a number of years of burying his head in the sand. He has been the main carer for my mother for the last 10 years or so due to the fact she had a bad accident some 20 years ago and has had major surgery on her back. She is on very high dosage of pain killers including morphine patches. My mother is now adamant that my dad is not being put in a home as he has looked after her for so long and she sees it her duty to return the care. They are very proud people and dont seem to want to accept help from the authorities.

This weekend my mum has gone into hospital with Pneumonia and so my sister is having to stay with my Dad. The doctor offered to sort rest bite care but this upset my mother greatly. I work away most of the week so am unable to get help although ive agreed to work from home this week to help my sister out.

I'm really after some advise as to where I go and who i begin to talk to to understand the options and also some advise on how i try to persuade my parents that they need to begin to accept help

Its very upsetting to see my father the way he is as hes regressed to being more like a child.

I am also really concerned whether its hereditary as my father's mum had it and now him.

 

[annad]

Just about to put mum into a home

I'm just about to put my mum into a home and like others on this forum, I'm fraught with guilt and feeling sick most of the time. My mum lives alone and has taken to wandering at night (she always comes home), looking for my dad (who's been dead since 2001) and another house that she believes she owns. Although she's physically well and able to feed and care for herself and her house, it's clear that she's not safe to be alone. She's had a couple of falls recently but can't remember how they happened and even that they'd happened at all. Luckily, they weren't serious. We've got mum booked into a home for a month's time and I've tried talking to her about it but she's very upset at the thought that we're getting her 'put away' and because she can't remember her wanderings, she doesn't see the need for her to leave her home. It's all so distressing...

 

[englishman191]

social services

My dad has been diagnosed with dementia. Age UK has helped him fill out an attendance allowance claim form. She told us we should contact the council social services for an assessment. They said they don't deal with mental health issues. Any advice out there would be a big help
Dave

 

[Sosister]

Social Services

Dave, It is definitely Social Services who do the assessment, or at least a division within it. Your GP or District Nurse should also be able to give you the contact details. For my mum, I'm dealing with Kent County Council Social Services - they and the GP and their receptionist have been very helpful! They do a phone assessment first whereby they talk to the main carer and get a bit of info re home setup, issues and financial situation. That person then allocates a care manager who comes round to visit and takes a more detailed assessment. That person is then responsible for putting a short-term care plan together. In my mum's case, it was decided a 7-day, two visits per day (am and pm) to help with personal hygiene care and medication taking (they even offered to do the evening meal!) A maximum of three carers are allocated so there is some continuity. I've just spoken to our care manager who is now going to hand over mum's case to a long-term care team. She also spoke on our behalf to the carer's organisation (Allied?) to see if they can allocate mum's care to just two people.

I have been very impressed by our team - there is no easy way and no bright side but at least my father and brother are not alone and struggling - and I guess that is a comfort, at least for me.

ps about the attendance allowance application form - 28 pages! they don't make it easy do they!!

My dad has been diagnosed with dementia. Age UK has helped him fill out an attendance allowance claim form. She told us we should contact the council social services for an assessment. They said they don't deal with mental health issues. Any advice out there would be a big help
Dave