Change of mind.. yet again

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
I left mum in the care home on wednesday morning. I was almost gagging with the smell as we drove down the motorway. I had the aircon on full but it was no use. One of the care assistants commented on how much she had gone downhill since they saw her last.

I got her into the room but straight away it wasn't to her taste and she wasn't happy that I was leaving it to the staff to put away her clothes. I pointed out that I had to go to work and took my leave.

The next morning the home were on the phone. They had persuaded mum with little effort to take a shower and were quite concerned with the state of her skin. Apparently her intimate areas had not seen proper care in quite some time and the skin had broken down and was even bleeding in places. The skin under her ample bosom was in a similarly bad state. I was really shocked. I am beginning to wonder what exactly the home care assistants do. They can't seem to be able to follow basic instructions such as supervise meds means handing them to mum to put in her mouth one at a time. I often find tablets lying on the floor and the other day there were some still in the blister pack that had not been administered.

I went to see mum this afternoon. Oh what a change. She was washed, nails painted, clean clothes and fresh as a daisy!! She was even more alert mentally. I was full of compliments for her and said how marvellous it was to see her looking so spruced up. I asked if she was glad she had agreed to come back. " Ach well I don't know. I don't think I'll stay. The day is very long and I like my own flat". I'd love to say I was shocked but alas no! I pointed out that back in the flat it would be ready meals which she hates and back to no one to help her wash etc and no one to help when she has an accident. She was still insisting she was going home when we get back from holiday. I was very cross but calmy said that I was no longer prepared to be dragged from pillar to post packing and moving her back and forward as she saw fit. I told her she was very selfish (nothing new there then). "its ok for you, you don't have to live here" was her reply. I pointed out that last week she hated her flat and thought 'here' was the best place ever. "I never said that" was her reply and of course she doesn't remember she said it.

If she does decide to go back to the flat there is the very smelly issue of a completely ruined poo and pee soaked bedroom carpet. John has said he is not prepared to go in and lift it. He says even he has limits of what his stomach will allow. Once someone is paid to lift it there will be the cost of new flooring. All this will have to be financed by mum. It seems such a shame to waste perhaps £300 on all this when she won't be there any length of time to enjoy it but once again she can't see it.

I also told her that John is nolonger prepared to go round and clean the floors. John said he just can't stomach the stench of her and the poo/pee covered floors anymore. The carers do notice as I can see them wrinking their noses but not one of them seems to report it. Perhaps a few weeks of us not cleaning will see complaints from other neighbours as you can actually smell it wafting out onto the main hallway as soon as the door is open. The warden will then tell the social worker that something needs to be done.

If anyone has anything else they can think of that I could do to force things I am all ears. There is no point in me just refusing to take her home as the social worker often picked her up in the past.

Isabella
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
Oh dear Isabella, your mum doesn't get any easier does she?

I think if it were me, I would let the social worker get on with it. If you don't pick her up, then let the social worker take her into the flat. After being shut up for a couple of weeks, the smell should be ripe to say the least!!!

The agreement was that they were going to handle everything for your mum as if you weren't there, but the goalposts seem to have moved slowly, but surely.

It doesn't seem fair on either you or John to have to deal with the stench at the end of every week.

Maybe the social worker needs to see what condition your mum is living in, without you there to clear up behind her. She also needs to be aware of the condition of your mum's skin when she went into the CH. It seems cruel to allow mum to exist in such conditions.

There is no doubt she would be far better in the CH, but she seems to have everyone jumping through hoops to satisfy her wishes, not that she knows what she wants - the grass is always greener!

Could you call on the consultant for help, using her best interests as the argument?

I wish I could come up with an answer.

Jan x
 

ggma

Registered User
Feb 18, 2012
1,126
0
North Staffordshire
So sorry you have difficulty again. Do go away and enjoy your holiday and see what your Mother is saying when you get back.
Really hope care home have records of state of your mother and also inform social worker.
Do the home care staff record what they do for your mum each time they visit, it all seems very unsatisfactory for you.
Sadly if someone says I am fine today I do not need help most staff seem to take that as OK not to do their agreed tasks. Are they frightened of your mum as she does sound very determined.
You seem to be on such a roundabout, very hard for you to stop, you have kept yourmum at home for much longer than most people would, sadly she just seems to always want what she does not have, how near are you to getting consultant etc to agree that she no longer has capacity
Sending thoughts and hope you enjoy your holiday
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
My view is that there are quasi-medical issues with regard to your mother's personal care. I don't think regular visiting carers can be expected to deal with treating skin infections once they have developed. Isn't that a job for a district nurse? Of course if carers were able to wash your mum regularly several times a day her skin would improve but realistically this is only going to happen in a residential home.

My mum has such delicate skin that she needs to be washed after every toilet visit (she wears pads and pull-ups). If this doesn't happen her skin gets very sore and actually breaks down in the groin and thigh area. Her skin also breaks down under her breasts if she doesn't wear a bra. It is skin on skin contact that seems to be the main problem, with the addition of ammonia in the downstairs department.

On occasion my mum has to have strong antibiotics to deal with skin infections - the GP is used to taking swabs now and treating the variety of exotic bugs she seems to be able to snag from the air in her own home. On a day to day basis her carers use Sudocrem on the sore skin and sometimes also pads of dry gauze if there is infection that is weeping.

It just beggars belief that your mother is allowed to live in such squalor, as if she is 'choosing' to do so. My further suggestion may sound 'off the wall' but surely there is an environmental health aspect to your mother's living conditions? Have you tried that angle with the council, rather than just social services? You see programmes on TV where eccentric people (and student landlords) are forced to let the council come in and clean up.

I don't think that you or anyone else who is a 'civilian' should be required to clear up these biohazards. It exposes the carers to risk and I'm surprised the agency is willing to let them work in those conditions. As an example, when I rang our carpet cleaner recently to ask if he could come and clean MIL's bathroom carpet that had sustained a poo accident he said that it would be much cheaper for us to replace it with new flooring. He explained that he was obliged to wear full hazmat gear when cleaning up poo, and that he had to use 2 different antibac products with each product needing 2 hours to work before he applied the next one.

It isn't just a matter of unpleasant smell is it? Serious germs are brewing in your mother's flat, marinading nicely in summer weather. :eek: If it was me I would leave some windows open on a vent setting. Then the flies would get in and make whoopee everywhere. Surely flies and maggots would get someone's attention to say she can't go on living like this?
 
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FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Would it be possible to get an independent cleaning firm in to give a quote to clean carpets etc. tell them the work would have to be approved and that they should provide a note of their findings etc. This is good independent evidence that might just sway someone to recognising that your mum is perhaps no longer able to cope even with carers. I know with my mum that people who should have taken action always gave her one more chance. Sad thing is that this was certainly not in her best interests but folks kept opting for the path of least resistance. If we had to go through this again one thing we would do is document and photograph everything. We would then be more insistent that they address the fact that the balance had now tipped from her wants to her needs.

Very frustrating time for you so take care of yourself too. It is the system that needs to step in, not you.

Fiona
 

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
Update

Well here we are 1 month on. Mum is still in the care home but only just.

John and I had a really nice holiday. I had asked the sw to organise the care management meeting for the day after we got back which was a Friday as I was back at work on the Monday. I gave them 3 weeks notice of this request so I reasonably assumed it would be ok. Silly me.... yet again. When I went through the post I found the letter telling me the meeting was on the Monday morning. Not that I'm cynical or anything... but ... I could almost swear they chose this date knowing I was going to be back at work. I told them I wouldn't be there and the sw wasn't a bit concerned about this.

The home told me mum had done fantastically well over the previous 3 weeks. She was being showered daily with no complaints. Her skin was in excellent condition with no breaks at all. She was eating and sleeping and seemed very contented in herself with no mention of wanting to go home. I dared hope that we might have finally turned a corner and she was at last settled.

John and I went to see her last Sunday. I instantly spotted a car in the home car park with number plates from down south so I knew she had visitors from home. When we got to the room mum's face was beetroot red and she had a glass of whiskey on the bedside table. A 1/2 empty bottle was on the floor. Her good old friends from down south were there and had brought the drink along. Considering all the strong meds mum is on and that each one says no alcohol should be taken I was livid but held my tongue. I am getting better at tactical warfare these days. One of the so called friends could barely hide her contempt for me and would not even look at me whilst she spoke. She was back on the old chestnut of how mum's skin would not have gotten in that state if she was still at home and mum would be better looked after if she was still at home. On and on she went. She made a few personal barbs at me and at that point I had to pull a face at John to warn him not to get stuck in as I could see he was about to.

I reported the drinking to the person in charge of the unit when we left and she hit the roof. She quite rightly pointed out that if mum had fallen or taken a turn and they didn't know she had alcohol on board the consequences could have been quite far reaching, not least for the home in that they are supposed to be protecting her. I found out later that the manager went to the room on the premise of offering tea and then read the riot act when she 'saw' the bottle. Mum's friends could not see what all the fuss was about.

The care management meeting was last Monday. It was agreed that the home is the best place for mum and the placement was more or less made permanent but mum was not going to be told this just yet. I pointed out that this was not a good move as if she decided in 6 weeks time she wants back to the flat then she would be allowed to go as they are not saying she has no capacity. They said something about protection of vulnerable adults paperwork could be used but considering all the other paperwork they said they could use and didn't I have very little faith in paperwork. They said that mum had said she was happy there and had agreed to stay. I said that whilst I accepted that it might be a different story when she realises that the flat is being handed back.

When I called in to see mum after the meeting it was obvious she was still suffering the after effects of the previous day's whiskey. Apparently she slept through breakfast.

I've been back to the flat and its fragrant and not in a good way. I picked up some more of her bits and pieces as we are going to see her later today.

I then phoned mum last night to ask if there was anything she needed me to buy for her. She mentioned some perfumes and nail polish in the flat and I said I'd bring them down when we were clearing the flat out. "oh no. Don't be clearing my flat out. I'm thinking I might go home after all. I think the day is very long in here. At least if I was at home I can go to the shop". I did say that she hasn't left the flat on her own for over a year as she can't walk that far. I was dismissed instantly.

John and I both agree that if she insists on going back to the flat that they will let her. We however will really step back and allow the chaos to really ramp up. We don't know what else we can do. The case management people make all these promises and they acknowledge the cycle of mum being admitted into the care home in an unkempt state - gets well- forgets what she was like - demands home- gets into an unkempt state again and so the cycle starts over.

Of course it's me gets the brunt of it all and no matter what I say mother has her way. Nothing new there as this is how she's always been. I don't think I have ever met a more self-absorbed, selfish and totally inward looking person in my entire life. Its always been me me me and no one else matters.

Isabella
 

ellejay

Registered User
Jan 28, 2011
4,019
0
Essex
I think the time has come when you & John must take a stand. I know SS have said before that they will treat your mum as if she has no other back up, but in reality you & John have still been there.

Maybe you have to physically remove your support completely...........no shopping, no flat cleaning, nothing. When the smell gets too noticeable, surely the warden of the flats will complain.( or the neighbours)

How come the down South relatives don't visit when she is living in squalor in the flat? You have to wonder at their motives!

Lin x
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
Hi Isabella

I was thinking about you the other day, wondering how things have been going. It is good that you and John had a lovely holiday, even though your hassles started when you got home!

I can only think it would be right for you to step right back from your mum if she goes back to the flat. It seems ridiculous that she is allowed to make these unsafe decisions. If it were me, I wouldn't go to clean the flat every week, as you had been doing, but ask SS to find a cleaner and let them deal with it (or not). I don't mean to be rude, but your mum is a health hazard to herself, and it seems unreal that the authorities allow this to continue.

Her "friends" clearly have no respect for anyone else, and aren't worth arguing with (good move!). It was good that the manager got involved; this no doubt gave her an insight into the struggles you face!

Wishing you well.
Jan x
 

Fairygoatmother

Registered User
Jun 30, 2013
1
0
Hi,

I am new to the forum but my grandfather has recently been in a similar situation to yours and I am very sympathetic of your position.

Has your mother been clinically diagnosed as having a form of dementia by her local Memory Clinic? - until my grandfather was formerly diagnosed (and all of us close family could easily tell he had dementia) we really didn't seem to receive very much help from Social Services etc...

Even still, now he has been diagnosed my parents are now having to go through the long drawn out and very costly process of gaining Court of Protection via a solicitor as my grandfather no longer has capacity. Unfortunately they did not get Lasting Power of Attorney prior to all of this happening ....

Try to get your mum an appointment with your local memory clinic - her GP will have to refer her and hopefully from there you will then get some of the support that she and you clearly need.

Please know you and your family very sadly are not the only ones in this type of situation and regretfully, in my opinion, things have to get worse before more assistance is available.

I hope this is of assistance / support knowing that other's going through similar ..
 

leslee

Registered User
Oct 9, 2009
275
0
Tyne and Wear
Hi Isabella. My Mam was living is these conditions over Christmas and New year. We had a hell of a battle with social services to have her moved into a care home. We were passed from pillar to post, told there weren't enough staff etc. We focussed on the insanitary condtions that Mam was living in. She had poo all over the place, on her clothes, her hands, the kitchen benches, everywhere. At the end of January she moved to her care home and is now much more fragrant, well fed and happy.

We did ask the social worker what would happen if Mam just point blank refused to move there and she said that they could force her but it was a last resort. Anyhow, Mam, in the main, is settled there now although she does sometimes try to follow us out. It sounds like my Mam's dementia is more advanced than your Mam's as mine seems to have forgotten all about her old home.

You really have my sympathy. I remember what a nightmare those times were. I believe that a lot of social workers don't have a clue about the realities of dementia. You must stress the health hazards of her living in her flat. Perhaps write to social services telling them you'll hold them responsible if your Mam becomes ill as a result of living there.

Good luck

xx
 

craftyviola

Registered User
Feb 17, 2012
254
0
Malvern
I think the time has come when you & John must take a stand. I know SS have said before that they will treat your mum as if she has no other back up, but in reality you & John have still been there.

Maybe you have to physically remove your support completely...........no shopping, no flat cleaning, nothing. When the smell gets too noticeable, surely the warden of the flats will complain.( or the neighbours)

How come the down South relatives don't visit when she is living in squalor in the flat? You have to wonder at their motives!

Lin x

I could not agree more with Lin. This is the only way that you will ever be taken seriously. Had you not reported the drinking with the "friends" from down South, the home would surely have picked up on it.

So - deep breath - step back and don't facilitate any move back to the flat and certainly don't go and clean it - no one will thank you for your efforts.

Pleased to hear you had a good holiday. Don't undo the benefits though!
 

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
John and I went to see mum this afternoon. Some more visitors were there from down south and brought her loads of cakes and other delicious yum yums. These are about the only sensible 2 that visit and check with me beforehand what they should and shouldnt tell her.

I told mum that London aunty's husband had died a few days ago. I wasn't going to tell her but then thought someone else will and I will be the villan in the piece for not telling her. Rather than being concerned for her sister it was all about how she won't be able to sleep tonight and how all this 'trouble' is always at her door. We suggested she ring her sister. "Oh no I couldn't cope with the annoyance" was her quick reply. Strangely enough her other sister said the same thing when she was told.

I then told mum that London aunty was thinking if selling up and moving back to Ireland. Her face lit up. "I can move in with her and she will look after me" was her very quick response. I very much doubt that this would happen. Aunty has spent a number of years being full time carer to her physically very unwell husband so I don't think she would be up for taking on an 85yr old woman with dementia.

I pointed out that if she moved home she was going to live close to her brother and not beside us. This is about an hour's drive away. I pointed this out. "I don't mind, I like (name of town). Basically I get discarded without a second thought if she gets a better offer. So much for loyalty!!

Over the course of the visit I lost count of the number of times she changed her mind between quitting her flat and moving back. At one point she even mentioned moving back down south if the house were made suitable for her!!!

We have decided to say nothing to the sw and follow their instructions. Then when there is no flat and she is demanding to move 'home' they can sort out the mess. We are not going there again. The sw said to wait 8wks and then give 1mth notice to quit. So in 7wks that is what I shall do.

When I was in the flat yesterday I found an almost empty whiskey bottle hidden away so someone was still bringing in drink even though its a real no no with all the meds mum is on. Another reason why she is safer in the care home.

I wish I knew when all this mess would be sorted for good. I no longer trust the professionals as they seem to say the first thing that comes to mind but never carry through on it.

Isabella
 

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