i hate the INVISIBLES .

[bmw777]

THE INVISIBLES who life goes on as normal .
or live to far away , and think they are arm chair experts ..
people whose parent claims benefits who put their parents in a care home , cause it is free of charge , and then quickly say people whose parent's have worked all their lives and bought a house and have savings should happily pay £1000 a week for care . these people should mind their own business.

invisibles whose life is unchanged by a dementia sufferer , and dont care about the main carer , invisibles who can go on holiday , without their life affected .
invisibles who can work with out any stress or worry
invisbles who can earn a living or run a business by being selfish .

a few words to describe an invisible Arrogance Bad boundaries Betrayal Boasting Bravado Conceit Criticism (intolerance of) Egocentrism Egotism Empathy (lack of) Entitlement (exaggerated) Envy Exploitative Fantasy Grandiosity Grandstanding Greed Haughtiness Hidden agenda Hubris Magical thinking Manipulative Narcissistic abuse Narcissistic elation Narcissistic injury Narcissistic mortification Narcissistic rage Narcissistic supply Narcissistic withdrawal Omnipotence Opportunism Perfectionism Self-absorbed Self-esteem Self-righteousness Selfishness Shamelessness Superficial charm Superiority complex Swaggering Tantrum True self and false self Vanity

obviously there will be no invisibles reading this because they will be to busy living there own life

 

[Jessbow]

Your invisible clearly has a talent- they areable to wind you up by doing nothing!

Don't let them, just remember its them that ill have to live with themselves, not you.

 

[Onlyme]

Arrogance Bad boundaries Betrayal Boasting Bravado Conceit Criticism (intolerance of) Egocentrism Egotism Empathy (lack of) Entitlement (exaggerated) Envy Exploitative Fantasy Grandiosity Grandstanding Greed Haughtiness Hidden agenda Hubris Magical thinking Manipulative Narcissistic abuse Narcissistic elation Narcissistic injury Narcissistic mortification Narcissistic rage Narcissistic supply Narcissistic withdrawal Omnipotence Opportunism Perfectionism Self-absorbed Self-esteem Self-righteousness Selfishness Shamelessness Superficial charm Superiority complex Swaggering Tantrum True self and false self Vanity

obviously there will be no invisibles reading this because they will be to busy living there own life

I agree 1000 times. I have decided I have no family and therefore don't expect anyone to visit Mum. This also makes my invisibles non existent which mades me more than happy.

 

[1954]

That's true we get wound up and they are happily doing nothing! Or rather doing everything they want to do as not a care in the world! We can do nothing and carry the world on our shoulders

 

[Carabosse]

I met one of mums invisible brothers (she has 2 still alive), he asked how things were and was amazed to find that mum was still at home, err where did you expect her to be, oh yes in a CH where he suggested I put her last time I bumped into him!

 

[Christin]

Hello BMW, can I just ask what is you would like these people to do? I do think that often some people just don't know what to do for the best. Advice can be unwanted, suggestions unhelpful, and offers of help refused. Really, I hope writing this post helps you, but allowing yourself to become so wound up won't.

We didn't have any invisibles because there was no one else, my OH was an only child and any siblings my FIL once had had already passed away or were very elderly. In fact he hadn't spoken to some of them for years.

My own mother had a stroke during this time and although I did visit, and cleared her flat etc when she went into permanent care I could have been called an invisible for not being around as much as I would have liked. But my OH and I were up to our eyeballs here with my FIL and children, and trying to keep a home together.

I am not disagreeing as such , honestly I'm not, but sometimes it's just so hard knowing what to do. If there is something specific, I think I would rather be asked, and given the chance to refuse or agree.

Xx

 

[Onlyme]

Useful things an Invisible could do if they were bothered:

Call you to make sure you are ok and to give moral support.

Offer to do the shopping every blue moon.

Offer to sit with the person with dementia for a couple of hours even if only once every 6 months. At least you could get your hair cut.

Phone the dementia relative if only for 5 minutes every few months while the relative can still talk on the phone.

Send cards or flowers on birthdays- they could even set up a standing order at the florist to save them the bother having to remember birthdays.


Any of the above would make a difference to the relative.

 

[Carabosse]

Mum's invisibles have never sent cards/ flowers any of the times she has been in hospital at deaths door (nurses being over dramatic), never sent a letter asking how she was and sorry they couldn't come and see her, never seen her since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, they could have dropped off of the planet and I wouldn't know maybe they have, have any flights left for Mars yet maybe they were on it?

 

[Karjo]

I think the invisibles often do not think of them as a person anymore and assume that if they cannot remember a visit or kindness then it is not worth doing. They do not realise the person may continuously ask where they are. The person suffering from dementia can only really live in the present with their emotions, but I think a lot of the invisibles manage to do this as well. MAybe they are not so different to the person with dementia!

 

[Sue J]

I think the invisibles often do not think of them as a person anymore and assume that if they cannot remember a visit or kindness then it is not worth doing. They do not realise the person may continuously ask where they are. The person suffering from dementia can only really live in the present with their emotions, but I think a lot of the invisibles manage to do this as well. MAybe they are not so different to the person with dementia!

Spot on Karjo - I think - coming too close to someone with dementia is too frightening because it's 'too close for comfort' re. their own fears and emotions. They also seem to want the person with dementia to 'change their behaviour', well they wouldn't need to if they didn't have dementia. The invisibles are struggling in thier own ways too. It's just sad how devastating such illnesses are on families.

 

[Onlyme]

Sue, I agree that is the case for some.

Unfortunately for others they see the illness as inconsiderate on the part of the person who has it as it gets in the way of the invisible's life. They turn their back and it doesn't matter as this person is obviously putting it on. I have been told this by my invisible on countless occasions and makes me so mad I could scream.

 

[meme]

I disagree that a person whose parents are on benefits would put them in a care home "because it's free of charge"....

 

[bigmumma]

I disagree that a person whose parents are on benefits would put them in a care home "because it's free of charge"....

Totally agree with meme. My dad worked all his life, paid s*** loads of tax and kept many people employed! Unfortunately he went bankrupt in the recession and lost his house, therefore he is funded by the LA. This made no difference to our decision to put him in a care home. Simply, he was unsafe at home alone!
An invisible is someone who doesn't give a s*** or is happy to bury there heads in the sand and let others get on with it.
I love my dad more than words can say, he went into a nursing home this week and whether he is on benefits or not, we had no choice!

 

[garnuft]

I have given up on worrying about invisibles. You can't control someone else's life or conscience, indeed, I have come to realise through battles my sisters have had, it is arrogant to think you have a right to.

If you can't stand the heat, you should get out of the kitchen.

I don't think BMW777 meant to cast aspersions on everyone.

My Mam worked all her life and she has never been so rich as she is now, Council House, job connected Victorian pile...

She only has savings now because she isn't interested in living anymore and doesn't need to buy 6 Blazers, shirts and black leather school shoes...
and the Jackie magazine for me
and the wonderful food we ate
and the tickets for football games
and the Oxford bags
and the eyeliner
and the fishing rods
and the space hoppers
and the 99 cornets....my Mam should be done for deprivation of assets

I would spend her last penny and sell my kidney, if I could give her self back to her.

 

[bigmumma]

I have given up on worrying about invisibles. You can't control someone else's life or conscience, indeed, I have come to realise through battles my sisters have had, it is arrogant to think you have a right to.

If you can't stand the heat, you should get out of the kitchen.

I don't think BMW777 meant to cast aspersions on everyone.

My Mam worked all her life and she has never been so rich as she is now, Council House, job connected Victorian pile...

She only has savings now because she isn't interested in living anymore and doesn't need to buy 6 Blazers, shirts and black leather school shoes...
and the Jackie magazine for me
and the wonderful food we ate
and the tickets for football games
and the Oxford bags
and the eyeliner
and the fishing rods
and the space hoppers
and the 99 cornets....my Mam should be done for deprivation of assets

I would spend her last penny and sell my kidney, if I could give her self back to her.

Garnuft, I couldn't agree with you more. I really enjoy your posts as they echo my sentiments exactly. It is a horrible disease and until you live it you would never know the pain it brings.
I don't think bmw wanted to cast aspersions either but I can assure them whether you are paying for care or not, it really is a huge, painful decision!
Having said that, I really don't agree with the current situation where you may have worked all your life in the hope of leaving your children an inheritance, only to have it taken by ss on care home fees. The system really needs looking at, but that's another story!

 

[Anongirl]

Useful things an Invisible could do if they were bothered:

Call you to make sure you are ok and to give moral support.

Offer to do the shopping every blue moon.

Offer to sit with the person with dementia for a couple of hours even if only once every 6 months. At least you could get your hair cut.

Phone the dementia relative if only for 5 minutes every few months while the relative can still talk on the phone.

Send cards or flowers on birthdays- they could even set up a standing order at the florist to save them the bother having to remember birthdays.


Any of the above would make a difference to the relative.

I sat nodding my head reading this Onlyme!

Some months ago I spoke to mum's SIL on the phone. She told me how she cares about mum and would do all she could to help make sure she was ok. She would keep an eye on her. Well if keeping an eye on her includes never ever ringing her or visiting her or never sending a card of any type then she's doing a super job!

A ten minute phone call from someone other than me or my brother would do wonders for her, honestly.

Instead today I watched mum laughing and enjoying the company of the young girl who is mum's befriender. A girl who has no reason to want to spend time with mum but today told me she enjoys being with her and finds her good company. While her own family can't even find ten minutes to ring her every now and then. It's their loss and one day I will tell them that!

 

[garnuft]

But it's not their loss.
They don't feel the passion doesn't mean they don't feel love.

I have had good reason to revisit all the thoughts, feelings and sensibilities around this subject.
My Older and Middle sister were at pistols drawn stage....

It just took a lot of energy away from the thing that matters, Mam.

It made lots of phone calls...'She said this and I said that..'

Three of us losing sleep, me spending most of my time feeling like a teenager again and wishing I was an only child.

Wasted energy.
Wasted Angst.
Mam would be heartbroken if she knew how far apart her close family is.

When Mam dies I will never seek out any of my siblings again, I find them far too much hard work and I cannot be bothered to be polite, I do it for my Mam.

She goes.....they're out of my life unless they seek me out.....
even then I'll hide.
I've had more than enough of them since Mam as been unwell.

I'm full up to here *imagine person with their hand a foot above their heads*

I love them, just don't want to see them anymore.

Mam's lessons in good manners will serve her well.
And the fact that I haven't got a Blunderbuss

 

[Anongirl]

Mum knows I've been there for her, that's all that matters to me.

I'm not angry, more disappointed I suppose.

If, one day, these people have the cheek to say how lovely mum is/was and how much they care I will wish I had a blunderbuss (if I knew what one was ) ! X

 

[garnuft]

Here is one...they splatter small injuries over a large range. :/

View attachment 35175

 

[Anongirl]

Wow! Now that is impressive! I'm sat smiling thinking of people's reactions if I showed up toting that baby!