It does not get any easier

[TOBYJUG]

It is now into the fifteenth week since my wife went into a c.h.i visit every day as i i know she cannot receive the t.l.c. I gave to her at home, no real criticism of the c.h. She is no longer taking food and drinking is a real difficulty. I leave every day heartbroken and i am ashamed to admit i have prayed for her release from this ordeal, but cannot imagine life without her, there will be no meaningful life without her.this really tests one's faith.

I know i am full of self-pity, my god what else can you be when your reason for living is visibly sliping away from you?

God bless to everyone who reads this

 

[SallyPotter]

Its not self pity, its a horrible situation.
Lots of love and blessed be x

 

[Christin]

Hello Tobyjug, I am so sorry to read your post. Not self pity at all, it's a very difficult time for you. Please keep posting, it can really help to share.

Kindest thoughts to you both x

 

[supporter1]

This journey is difficult for everyone. It is grief in slow motion for family and a journey in a parallel universe for the person experiencing it .

I think your wife has been incredibly lucky to have been loved so much ( it shows in your post) .

Sending you some be strong vibes on this difficult journey for you both.

 

[turbo]

Hello tobyjug, you are not full of self pity just full of love for your wife. How could you feel any different. ?


turbo

 

[gringo]

Been there, got the T-shirt, but lost the faith..
I’m sorry Tobyjug, the more love the more pain, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Margaret938]

Hello Tobyjug,
I know what exactly how you are feeling, it is six weeks since my darling husband went into a CH and like you I visit him every day, it is a lovely care home, but I like to give him as much t.l.c from me that I can during the visit. I am heartbroken too, and life will never be the same for me again. I do look forward to the quality time I can spend with George everyday, the rest of the day does not really mean very much to me at all. I am keeping myself busy in the garden now that the weather is better, George loved a nice garden and I feel that I have to keep it nice for him. He comes home for an afternoon at least once a week, so it is nice to show him what I have done in the garden.
You obviously love your wife very deeply, and losing someone to this awful illness is almost unbearable to live with. Make the most of your daily visits.
Take care,
Margaret

 

[NanLorac]

TobyJug, I see this is your first post and that you loved your wife so much. Its not self pity, you are crying out for help. Maybe you should ask for a meeting with the staff at the care home and take someone with you for support. They should be aware of how much pain you are doing through when you visit your wife.

Take care x

 

[stanleypj]

I really feel for you. This is a situation that all carers must dread.

What was your wife's eating and drinking like before she went into the care home?

 

[kd7279]

My wife went into care just over a week ago and I visit every day and feel your pain.
I do not have faith but feel anger that we wont be spending the rest of our days growing disgracefully old together.
I cry every day and hate seeing her in the home and wish she were still with me at our home but, I know in my heart I can't cope any more.
I feel that I am still relatively young (71) and can look ahead to possibly another 10 or more years without her, and that hurts even more.
I can now understand why some couples decide to 'end it' together.

 

[stanleypj]

Good to hear from you Keith. We were wondering how things were for you after your heartrending posts last week.

It must be so, so hard for you.

You talk about 10 or more years without your wife. But you still have her at present. You can still hug and comfort each other as you talked of doing when she was at home. It's not the same - I know - but isn't that how it is with the disease? Today is not the same as last year, last year was not the same as the year before. But you can still be together. Yes, it's appalling to lose the love of your life bit by bit, but trying to live in the present, hard as that is, means that at least you may still be able to appreciate what you both still have.

I can understand how people feel they want to 'end it' together. But would the wife who has known and loved you want you to 'end it'? If you could go back and ask her, before the disease changed everything?

 

[Witzend]

It is now into the fifteenth week since my wife went into a c.h.i visit every day as i i know she cannot receive the t.l.c. I gave to her at home, no real criticism of the c.h. She is no longer taking food and drinking is a real difficulty. I leave every day heartbroken and i am ashamed to admit i have prayed for her release from this ordeal, but cannot imagine life without her, there will be no meaningful life without her.this really tests one's faith.

I know i am full of self-pity, my god what else can you be when your reason for living is visibly sliping away from you?

God bless to everyone who reads this

It's not self-pity, TobyJug, it's because you feel so much love and pity for your poor wife. I am so sorry for what you're going through. XX

 

[Pheath]

You’ll find many here who share your pain, to watch someone you love declining before your eyes has to be one of the hardest things in the world. Even if it isn’t apparent, I’m sure your wife is drawing great comfort from you being there and please don’t feel guilty for your thoughts, many of us have wished for some release when quality of life dips so low.
My mum and I also really struggle with visiting dad in the CH, in the space of a year he’s deteriorated so much and it’s tremendously difficult to come to terms with. It seems almost impossible to equate the man he once was with how he is now. What choice do we have though, but to carry on, try to stay strong and do the very best we can. The rest is beyond our control.
Do take care and come back here whenever you need.

 

[LYN T]

Hi Tobyjug

What I read is not self pity-just a caring man who feels so sad. I know how you feel.My OH is in a mental health unit waiting for a CH to be found which will be able to deal with his complex behaviour. (violence, anxiety,double incontinence-all bought on by AD and bi-polar) He's only 66.His AD is progressing very quickly and I too hope for a quick release for him.I visit him everyday-sometimes he recognises me sometimes not.He has no idea that I am his wife.

I envy people who have faith as I have none-but I always hope that those who do believe gain some comfort.

I'm so sorry that you are so distressed.

Love from Lyn T

 

[debill]

It is now into the fifteenth week since my wife went into a c.h.i visit every day as i i know she cannot receive the t.l.c. I gave to her at home, no real criticism of the c.h. She is no longer taking food and drinking is a real difficulty. I leave every day heartbroken and i am ashamed to admit i have prayed for her release from this ordeal, but cannot imagine life without her, there will be no meaningful life without her.this really tests one's faith.

I know i am full of self-pity, my god what else can you be when your reason for living is visibly sliping away from you?

God bless to everyone who reads this

huge heartfelt cuddles toby xxxxx it is in no way self pity we mourn daily as our love ones slowly become strangers and we constantly feel the guilt of their terrible illness god bless you both your mum is blessed to have you xxx

 

[stillcaring]

Hi Tobyjug,

I still have faith even though I'm watching the 3rd member of my family slip away with AD. It's what keeps me going. Cherish your faith - find support from your local church, or if they aren't supportive, one further away that is. The Christian hope is that you and your dear wife will one day be united in a better place where there is no demenia. Cling on to that certainty and try to do what you can to make this world a better place in the meantime.

All the best....

 

[Pullinpants]

I leave every day heartbroken and i am ashamed to admit i have prayed for her release from this ordeal, but cannot imagine life without her, there will be no meaningful life without her.this really tests one's faith.

I know i am full of self-pity, my god what else can you be when your reason for living is visibly sliping away from you?

God bless to everyone who reads this

Hi Tobyjug

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in this. I have felt the exact same on leaving my Grandparents in their care home. There is no doubt that them slipping away is surely a test of my strength and I there have been numerous occasions where I have prayed for their release. The only consolation I have from this prayer not being answered, is that clearly God still has some wonderful way of using them in my (or others') life. The whole experience for me has been a learning curve, albeit the most difficult time of my life. I came to realise what I want to do with my life and now work to find a better way of life for people with dementia, using my personal experiences.

We are all living with this uncontrollable grief so a person who we love (or have loved) despite them being physically alive. You are right - it doesn't get easier.

Just keep remembering us at TP are all with you in this and you are doing something incredible!

All the best x