When do you start thinking of a care home?

[ceroc46]

Hello lovely people,

More and more I'm thinking of a care home for Mum.(79 with vas dem). Two years ago I would have bitten your head off if anyone said that I would eventually think of this, and always wondered how anyone could even think about it.

In the scheme of things, I suppose it's not too bad, although we are having more toilet incidents lately.

Because of her limited mobility she won't go wandering; she's very compliant, stays in bed unless she's at day centre, but mentally I'm finding it very difficult. You can't really have anything resembling a normal conversation with her. She doesn't know my name /who I am most of the time, and the constant noises drive me to distraction.

Is it guilt that's driving me? Example to my children that you look after your parents when they need you? or am I afraid that what goes round comes round, and I'll be shoved in a home some day?

I only feel like this in the evenings, when I'm tired and she's supposed to be settling for the night; in the morning I feel better.

How are you all coping with this dilemna and how long would it take to get into one?

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi Ceroc,
MIL has been in her care home for 2 months now and is very settled and happy. She is 87 and was diagnosed with vas dem a year ago although I knew something was wrong about 2 years ago.
I still feel guilty about it but the truth is that I wouldnt have been able to manage her any more. Besides which she really is very happy there with people to talk to and lots of activities - some of which she joins in with

 

[Lizjg]

Hi, I posted a very similar question recently and got a lot of very relevant and understanding replies. If you search for lizjg and click on what made you put your loved one in a care home, some of the answers may help you.
Liz

 

[ggma]

With hindsight I think we delayed the decision a bit too long, but we used to go to mum 3 times a day and sit with her to make sure she ate etc. However neighbours started to fill in gaps for us and things were getting much worse when mum fell and broke her arm, so came to stay with me and we realised she would not be able to go home. She was up and down all night, had no short term memory and could not remember to eat and drink unless it was put in front of her.
We have been lucky with the homes mum has lived in, initially she agreed to stay during the bad weather, then it became longer.

 

[Mo_N]

To save you searching for the thread Lizjg started it can be found on this link

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?54384-What-made-you-put-a-loved-one-in-a-care-home

In my own situation it was when I realised that mum could no longer tell day from night & so was wandering around the house at all hours. She was also getting very anxious if left alone even for a few minutes. She is now in a good care home & I can enjoy quality time with her rather than worrying about her being home alone.

It's a hard decision to make but I have no doubt now that I made the right one for the sake of her safety & my sanity.

Keep posting & you'll get lots of support & good advice from all here.

Mo
x

 

[Witzend]

Is it guilt that's driving me? Example to my children that you look after your parents when they need you? or am I afraid that what goes round comes round, and I'll be shoved in a home some day?

I think for many of us, if we've done 24/7 dementia care for any length of time, we come to think it's the last thing we'd ever want or expect our children to do for us. As I have told mine over and over, never never never never never.

 

[marsaday]

I was also going to quote exactly those lines.

Do any of us have children thinking-oh great at least they'll look after me when the time comes.

I have three and they see me caring for my mum, but not 24/7-as she has been shoved in a home- and they all know that they can do the same to me when the time comes.

We all need to be realistic. If we don't want to go into a home who is going to look after us? I accept it as part and parcel of a long life.

Often children end up resenting a parent who has those expectations. I am one of those children.

 

[Big Effort]

Snap!

Hi ceroc,

Like you, I woundn't**** have considered it.
Like you, it isn't too bad with Mum, but like you I am emotionally as ravaged as I can get.
Like you, I am thinking about care. And the thoughts are just thoughts. I too am tired, and beaten, and low, and in a tight corner, so I fantasise about how life would be if I didn't have to do this.
Mum still isn't ready even to contemplate a home, vocal and physically mobile too.
So I am trying to recharge my batteries today.

Mum's disease is progressing, and one day she will not be too concerned about her surroundings, and that will be the right time for her to go into care. Will I be able to hold out? Is this just a tough phase?

Hugs and compassion to you from me, BE

**** obviously this should read 'wouldn't', but the word I wrote was 'wound', an interesting freudian slip as I am wounded at present!

 

[leslin48]

hello my love my mum has suffered from this cruel disease for four years, i looked after her for two years but things got too much for me as i have a disabled husband, I always promised her that i would not put her in a home, so the guilt i felt and too be honest still feel guilty after two years is horrendous, she first went into residendiol care but eventually had to be moved to a nursing home, i didnt have much choice for nursing homes in my area but am very happy of the carers treatment towards her the laundry is terrible so i do all her laundry and the bedding is very dated so i supply her own bedding,so things are not perfect I also visit her every two days.Ideally I would love her to be home with me but I had to make this decsition and deep down I know it was right for the sake of my health. my mum was always a very independant lady and I know she would not have wanted to be a burden to me, so my love you need to think about yourself at some point if you do decide to make the choice of a care home you will feel pangs of guilt and shed many tears, I still have feelings of guilt but the tears have stopped now,my thoughts are with you.xx

 

[Witzend]

Mum still isn't ready even to contemplate a home, vocal and physically mobile too.
So I am trying to recharge my batteries today.

Mum's disease is progressing, and one day she will not be too concerned about her surroundings, and that will be the right time for her to go into care.

To be brutally honest, BE, that could be an awful long time.

I don't know how many of them are ever ready to contemplate a home - I would imagine precious few. I know neither my FIL nor my mother was - they were both very bad, unable to manage even the simplest things for themselves, and yet still insisting to anybody who asked that they were fine. They weren't 'in denial' - they honestly believed it, because of course they simply couldn't remember that they hadn't been capable of so many things for ages.
And we were all exhausted and stressed out of our minds with it all.

Sometimes, for the sake of everybody's health and sanity we have to put other people (carers and their families) first. Yes, it's very hard - we agonize and agonize and mentally tear our hair, and lie awake at night worrying and worrying and feeling dreadfully guilty. I can only speak for my own family, but I have to say that once the dreaded deeds were done, yes, we still felt terribly guilty and wished so much that it could have been otherwise, but at the same time the relief was colossal.

 

[hollycat]

The simple answer to your question is:

The day I come onto talking point and ask the same question that you have asked is the day I will start looking very very seriously into CH.

In other words, there is no wrong or right time so the day I seek advice from others is the day I will start looking as there is obviously sufficient "worries" to ask the question.

Hope this helps

 

[zeeeb]

I think you have to regularly ask yourself a few fundamental questions, and be brutally honest with the answers.

Can I, the carer, provide better care than a team of carers who get training, government assistance, the best equipment, breaks, annual leave etc.?

Is being the carer making me ill, stressed, depressed, exhausted? How much more can I honestly take?

Would I expect my children / partner to care for me in this same situation, or would I expect them to put me in a home because the burden is to great for them, and I'd never expect them to take this all on themselves?

Is the person being cared for actually happy and satisfied and contented living at home, or are they going to be just as content in a nursing home once they settle.

It's hard to be honest with yourself about these answers. But I know with question number 3, I will make it very clear with my partner and children, that I don't expect them to give up all the quality of their life to care for me if I'm in a similar position. Once it gets past a certain point where I have little or no independence, they have permission to find me a good nursing home, and carry on with their lives, I would just expect that they visit me regularly.

 

[jingly jones]

I had to put my mum in a care home when my dad went into hospital because she was wandering during the night looking for him (in the street -5 in pj's bare feet) it was only supposed to be temporary. Long story short 3 months later lots of complications dad is out of hospital. Mum has settled really well care home brilliant ,good food ,loads of activities,outings etc so we made the decision that dad would join her there,spoke to them about it aswell bit unsure at first so we said it was untill dad gets his strength back. They are happy and relaxed there they get all their needs taken care of and when we visit we can relax aswell and just enjoy our time with them. I would happily stay their in my twilight years or if I get dementia have already told my kids not to hesitate if they are in same position with my husband and I

 

[at wits end]

My gran was very compliant too, and it was that that kept her at home for so long. But she resisted carers other than me, and when she did let them in she wouldnt drink the cuppa they made her.

It was heartbreaking moving her into a CH, BUT she is content. Some days she still wants to go home, but yesterday she told me she had been to a wedding reception, had lunch with some doctors and had made a lovely friend.

Some days I visit and wonder if i made the right choice, but she was lonely and depressed at home and forgetting to eat and drink, losing weight and succumbing to infections. I doubt she would still be alive in truth if left at home.

If I dont feel well, she is still looked after, if I just dont feel like visiting she is still looked after. She has gained weight and laughs far more now than ever before.

Not all CH's have to be a bad thing.

 

[stanleypj]

Can I, the carer, provide better care than a team of carers who get training, government assistance, the best equipment, breaks, annual leave etc.?

The rest of your questions are great zeeb, but after ready many posts about care home standards on TP, I would seriously question whether most homes fulfill the requirements you have listed. This is surely another factor that causes people to hesitate before making the decision.

 

[JackyS]

As others have said, you eventually come to the conclusion that you have to put yourself first. You are no use to your own family - or the person you are caring for - if the caring situation is making you ill (physically or mentally).

There simply comes a time when the guilt is outweighed by the burden. Personally, I tried to start looking at homes just before I reached that stage (you can feel it coming, can't you?) - and I'm glad I did. When you first start looking, it is easy to be dazzled by the snazzy interiors and chandeliers that some of the more expensive home boast. And it's only by delving deeper (and asking questions here on TP) that you realise your loved ones' needs are very different to your own and actually, the surroundings just need to be clean, warm and comfortable - it's the caring that needs to be spot on.

Also, i think Helen has made a really good point about what happens if you get ill. This is my second week off work with a chest infection. If Mum had still been at home, I don't know what I'd have done - and I doubt if she could have survived without having an accident or giving herself food poisoning etc etc.

Good luck xx

 

[Redwitch]

May saound a little harsh... I'm sorry

Hello lovely people,

How are you all coping with this dilemna and how long would it take to get into one?

My advice. would be to make this choice before everything becomes too full of anger and regret. It has taken me almost a year to rebuild my relationship with my Mum, my fault but I ended up full of resentment and stress. Not an easy decision to make but a necessary one I am afraid.

Good luck

Jan