Dad wants to attend a funeral and he cannot, help!

[babypie]

Hi

Wonder if anyone has any ideas? Dad is 87 and in a care home since last year. Dementia variable day to day as you all understand. He also has severe arthritis causing limited mobility, congestive heart failure and partial renal failure.

My problem is this;my late Moms brother has died and its his funeral next week. Its about 20 miles away and a full catholic service with a burial at another church and then onto a hotel for the wake.

I have said I will go to represent the family and my partner has changed his shifts around to come with me also. One Brother out of two supposed to be attending (coming in my car) but is notoriously unreliable so may not happen.

My problem is this Dad is insisting on coming! He is not up to it mobility wise but the main problem is he has no warning double incontinence! I feel for him wanting to go but I can see him wanting the toilet 5 mins into the service or in my car on way over. For the record he would never, ever wear a pad.

It has become a fixation now with him getting the home to ring me and tell me he is going. I have tried to be polite and say with your kidney problems (not mentioning the number two's!) it will be awkward and also reminding him when we took him out a month ago he felt unwell and wanted to leave after 15 mins.

I changed tactics the next day and said I am not going as its my birthday that day but then he insisted I must go.

The other problem is the home and taken Dads sticks off him as he is unsafe on them now and made me take them home, he is on a zimmer. He often has a tantrum demanding I bring them back and has already said bring them for the funeral-imagine trying to take them off him again.

He also keeps going on about getting his "funeral suit" from the wardrobe in this former house. The house is recently cleared, sold and the said suit was in poor condition and thrown. He knows nothing about the house being sold and I feel so guilty keeping lying when he mentions the suit.

Of course if it was possible to go to just part of the day I could do that but as its so far away and a full service I feel it will be not an option. I went and spoke to the senior carer at the home and she said she would not recommend he goes.

The Brothers are seeing it as a bit of a joke, it will be my little runaround that gets soiled though and not their posh cars.

The one is going to see Dad today and I have asked him to reiterate he cannot go but he has said he will try but Dad is so pig-headed it will be futile.

My stress levels are starting to rise again with it all.

Any suggestions please?

 

[Rebecca LDSW]

?

Hi,

Is there any way you can bring the funeral to him? Perhaps via videolink or Skype?
Perhaps his room can be set up so it is comfortable and he can be dressed smartly?
Perhaps he could invite a friend or one of his care workers to sit with him and watch it? Or one of the family members joins him?

I know its not the same but maybe it will make him still feel involved?

Regards and best of luck,

Rebecca

Hi

Wonder if anyone has any ideas? Dad is 87 and in a care home since last year. Dementia variable day to day as you all understand. He also has severe arthritis causing limited mobility, congestive heart failure and partial renal failure.

My problem is this;my late Moms brother has died and its his funeral next week. Its about 20 miles away and a full catholic service with a burial at another church and then onto a hotel for the wake.

I have said I will go to represent the family and my partner has changed his shifts around to come with me also. One Brother out of two supposed to be attending (coming in my car) but is notoriously unreliable so may not happen.

My problem is this Dad is insisting on coming! He is not up to it mobility wise but the main problem is he has no warning double incontinence! I feel for him wanting to go but I can see him wanting the toilet 5 mins into the service or in my car on way over. For the record he would never, ever wear a pad.

It has become a fixation now with him getting the home to ring me and tell me he is going. I have tried to be polite and say with your kidney problems (not mentioning the number two's!) it will be awkward and also reminding him when we took him out a month ago he felt unwell and wanted to leave after 15 mins.

I changed tactics the next day and said I am not going as its my birthday that day but then he insisted I must go.

The other problem is the home and taken Dads sticks off him as he is unsafe on them now and made me take them home, he is on a zimmer. He often has a tantrum demanding I bring them back and has already said bring them for the funeral-imagine trying to take them off him again.

He also keeps going on about getting his "funeral suit" from the wardrobe in this former house. The house is recently cleared, sold and the said suit was in poor condition and thrown. He knows nothing about the house being sold and I feel so guilty keeping lying when he mentions the suit.

Of course if it was possible to go to just part of the day I could do that but as its so far away and a full service I feel it will be not an option. I went and spoke to the senior carer at the home and she said she would not recommend he goes.

The Brothers are seeing it as a bit of a joke, it will be my little runaround that gets soiled though and not their posh cars.

The one is going to see Dad today and I have asked him to reiterate he cannot go but he has said he will try but Dad is so pig-headed it will be futile.

My stress levels are starting to rise again with it all.

Any suggestions please?

 

[BethT]

Hi Babypie
there is no way you can take him to the funeral and so just firmly repeat that you will not be attending yourself and thats that. It would put you in an impossibly difficult situation so dont feel guilty about it. Beth

 

[meme]

Your tactic of saying you are not going ..no matter what your reason, is good, stick to it...........It is his brother in laws funeral??? were they very close??? ...let someone else take him or it will have to be missed ..end of. If he will not wear a pad, even just for the funeral then it must be a no go (no pun intended)

 

[Delphie]

Time to throw a sickie. I think you might be coming down with the flu (or whatever you can act out convincingly enough).

 

[Nebiroth]

I think you will have to be firm, and just keep saying, you are not well enough to go. If he starts throwing a tantrum then just say if you are going to be like that then I will leave, and be prepared to do just that.

It's clearly totally impractical for him to attend and you should not be expected to even try it. Obviously it's upsetting for him and like so many people with dementia he almost certainly does not recognise his own problems.

At the end of the day I assume the care home is secure. So he can't go. I suspect you act as a trigger for the fixation, I would ask the care staff whether he refers to the funeral at other times and if he does how much of an issue is it?

At the moment you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, you are the one having to say no and copping all the fallout.

I think you need to be firm and simply say it's not on, and be willing to walk away from an argument you can't win. Don;t engage in the argument, it is pointless, simply walk away from it.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

The Brothers are seeing it as a bit of a joke, it will be my little runaround that gets soiled though and not their posh cars.

If your brothers think it's so amusing, one of them should take your father to the funeral.

 

[Delphie]

If your brothers think it's so amusing, one of them should take your father to the funeral.

Best idea yet.

 

[Jessbow]

Flip side- hire/borrow a wheelchair , likewise a couple of pairs of pulls ups and do it. No pull ups no go.

 

[rjm]

You need to keep saying no, there is no way that is practical or kind to take a double incontinent person who refuses to deal with that problem to a public gathering. Even if he would wear pullups or pads it sounds as if he would be incapable of staying focused for the duration of the service. Maybe you could suggest taking him to the grave later so that he can pay his respects privately if that would make him feel better, of course he would still need to wear protection to protect your car.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Don't go to visit till after the funeral - get the care home to tell him you are ill. He won't be able to get there under his own speed.

Then if he talks about it later, depending on how bad his memory is (I know I could pull this off with MIL), tell him he did go or say something vague like "oh yes it was a good send-off, wasn't it" which implies he was there.

That or say yes at the time and hope he forgets about it.

 

[copsham]

Wow the stresses of it all!

What a difficult situation. If brother in law is still missed by your father after the funeral can you do a "remembrance ceremony" at the home. Little readings, memories shared, photo's and some sombre music, followed by tea and cakes??

Can you record the real ceremony for him? Would he be interested? lets hope it is like my mother who is desperate for something one minute forgotten the next.

Pull ups or not, he cannot go!

Regards


Karen

 

[angelface]

Tell him the care home will have to arrange him going?

We know they won't, but does he? I think they would soon tell him no

 

[Big Effort]

A few thoughts:
If he is determined, trying to reason is a waste of time. Worse actually, as it will just make him more determined.

How good is his sense of time? Mum cannot tell the time nor does she understand the time of day. With her it would be easy. I would say, ok she can come, but it won't be for a few days. Every time she asked, I would say the same. She can come, I'll tell her when it is. Until she forgets to ask.

Could you do that?

You could be very, very calm and serene, and try a distraction technique. Perhaps just going out somewhere (safe and for a brief time) would do the job. So he gets an outing, just so he can prove to you/himself he can do it = lets off steam. You make no fuss or problem at any point, just insure all runs smoothly, even ignoring pees and poos. Let it work fine according to him.

Then when he wants to go to the funeral, say yes. It has been postponed as long-distance relatives wanted to attend. You will let him know when it is. And be sure to postpone it for a long time.

Next time, don't even tell him about the funeral! Hope you can get him on a calm and even keel soon. In my view, not a good idea to get brother to lay down the law, with my Mum this would just fan the determination. She wants to be normal, so she is normal, in her honest opinion! Good luck BE

 

[babypie]

Hi

Thank you all so much for your wise replys.

There were some really good tips and suggestions from everyone and I do appreciate it.

Dad not overly close but did see him while Mom was alive.My Uncle had dementia too and they had not seen each other since Moms funeral in 2009. My cousins and I kept saying we would get them together but as often happens either Dad was unwell or uncle was and it never happened.

My Brother texted me from the home Thursday and said Dad had wet himself in the corridor, it made me think I am doing the right thing.

I said I would not go until after the funeral but felt a bit sad today so I did go to see Dad. He looked most unwell and said he would not be up to it (after all my worry!) He does seem very vague now and its very difficult to hold a conversation with him, that's the disease progressing I suppose.

I will go tomorrow and tell everyone how unwell he is. I know they will understand.

Again thank you all for your helpful replies.

 

[Katrine]

I think you are doing the right thing, sorry to hear that your Dad isn't feeling well but perhaps he also knows it is for the best.

When we had my father's funeral his cousin, who is a retired minister, said the prayers at the graveside. The minister's wife had advanced AD. She was beautifully dressed and very well behaved and quiet, so when the funeral director asked everyone in the family to hold a ribbon, she did too. I don't know if this is a Scottish thing, I'd never seen it before. There are heavy duty straps for the professionals to use to lower the coffin, but there are coloured ribbons as well so that mourners can symbolically lower the coffin at the same time.

Just in time we noticed that wee cousin Moira had wound the ribbon round and round her wrist and was being tipped forward as the coffin was lowered. Her husband just managed to rescue her before she joined my father in a very deep lair! If it had been just us I think we'd have roared with laughter, but the other mourners were very sombre so we pretended we hadn't noticed. I had visions of Eddie and Patsy running through my mind. At these moments we get bizarre and unsuitable thoughts, I think it is the hysteria of grief.

When you are standing at the graveside offer a prayer on behalf of your dad, or offer his love to the universe, whatever are your beliefs. You can represent your dad in spirit.