Dealing with alcoholic memory loss

[mrchrees]

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, I'm 48 and she is 51.
Throughout our life together my wife has suffered from alcolholism. As spouses of alcoholics will know, nothing you say will convince them to stop.
Finally the alcohol got the better of her about 2 months ago. She lost her memory and could hardly walk. I took her to hospital and she was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic. This, coupled with a poor diet and lack of vitamin B, had resulted in ammonia from her liver causing the memory loss and ataxia.
Because of this memory loss I've had to take control of everything. I've replaced the alcohol with non alcohol drinks in the house and she's given up without a wimper. Success at last!
Her prognosis is fair. She has a reasonable chance of recovering her faculties to a certain extent, but how much and when is uncertain.

Right now I'm in a battle of wills with her over false memories. She thinks we're on holiday, she thinks she has a job when she doesn't. Yesterday she thought we weren't even married and that I lived down the street. The more I argue with her, the more I'm starting to doubt my own sanity.

What do I do? I don't want to grind her into submission in this 'battle of wills' but somehow she has to be aware of certain realities, for her own safety, if nothing else.

I'm a very rational person and feel that if I try and calm things down and approach it in a simple way I might have more success. If I can prove one thing to her, beyond any doubt in her mind, I'll then have something to build on. Sadly, she's as stubborn as I am.

Any thoughts would be very welcome

 

[Christin]

Hello Mrchrees, welcome to Talking Point. I hope you will find TP a great source of help and support.

I am sorry to read about your wife. I think that many members will understand what you are going through.

I just wanted to pop this link in re Compassionate Communication. It can be hard to follow at times, but I admit I used the 'walking away' suggestion many times. Putting the kettle on and going back 5 minutes later with cups of tea really did work for us.

Very best wishes to you both.

 

[mrchrees]

Thanks Christin for your advice.
I've been trying the more compassionate approach for the last few days but its becoming increasingly difficult to cope with things.
My wife thinks she's married to somebody else and spends her time waiting for this person to come home. When I go to bed she breaks down and thinks there's going to be trouble when he arrives.
She's also not eating any solid food. I feed her liquid food from the chemist but every time I offer her solid food as the doctor advised, she tells me she ate earlier, which she hasn't. She's been on this liquid food for about 12 weeks now and I'm not sure its enough to sustain her. On top of this she isn't washing herself.
She won't listen to anything I say and everything is 'I'll have a rest and do it later".
I can't force her to do the things that will make her better and am starting to doubt my ability to get her through this.

 

[Christin]

Hi, I am sorry to read this. It does seem to me that you do need some help and advice. I don't know what help is available in Spain, but can I suggest you contact the AS national helpline, they may be able to point you in the right direction.

AS National Helpline

You can email them if you are unable to phone.

Very best wishes to you both x

 

[Pitcher15]

hi Mrchrees, i partially know what you're going through, but not entirely of course. my mum died of alcholism very suddenly on holiday a year ago leaving me at 23 to care for 2 brothers and a dad with alzheimers. I was (and occasionally still am) very angry for her doing it to us and herself but over the last few months i have realised if she could've known what she was doing would kill her i certain she would've stopped. With my dad it's extremly frustrating at times trying to ask him questions of get something through to him but i have found if i make it into a joke then he remembers it more than if i was to shout at him. for example if he has left the cooker on, i will now say, "maybe leave the cooking to me or you'll burn the house down" in a joking way rather than scream and shout at him, which to be honest would be my normal port of call! I dont know if any of this will help you, probably me just yattering on as usual!
take care
sarah x