Where do we go from here?

[larabyron]

My MIL is staying with us. She is 91 years old and suffering from dementia. She's never been an easy person but this disease has made her very difficult. We have brought her here because she asked to come, saying she didn't want to live alone, and she wasn't coping at home. She rarely remembered her tablets - taking maybe three doses a week out of 21 and always forgetting her heart medication. Her diet was terrible, as far as we can ascertain she was living on bread and cheese and some milk in drinks. She refused to allow carers into the house, which was very dirty, and would not have a careline installed.

She's been with us for 3 weeks now and all she talks about is going home. She's accused us of keeping her prisoner, she wants to contact the Police about us, she is very unhappy here although she is well cared for. She is abusive to me constantly, accusing me of cruelty etc. etc. and she's in complete denial about her illness.

At a family conference with my sister-in-law, her husband, my husband and myself she agreed to allow us to arrange care but she now denies saying it. She is rude to my friends, hairdresser, chiropodist and anyone else I ask to see her. As she lives 200 miles from us if we send her home and she cancels the care we arrange (which I'm certain she will) we cannot step in immediately. We both work and later this week she will have to be left alone as we must go back to our jobs. My mother can call in daily to give her some lunch but cannot be expected to spend all day with her, particularly as she has always shown great animosity to my parents. MIL says she's going to run away as soon as she's on her own and we're both at work. My GP has prescribed a sedative but it can't be used unless we are with her as it increases the risk of her falling. My Social Services department say it is the problem of her local Social Services but they are always busy and don't return my calls.

It is so frustrating to try to arrange anything from this distance and all the time knowing she will undo anything we put in place. She has a horror of residential care homes and I would do anything to avoid that but my GP says there is a risk of her being sectioned under the Mental Health Act if she is at risk.

Can anybody offer any advice, we are desperate, please help.

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya and welcome to Talking Point,

Sorry to hear about your MIL and what you are going through. This might not be what you want to hear, but as a family you have done as much as you can to support your MIL but it does look like the illness is firmly in control and this then limits your options in terms of what you can do on your own. It would appear that you are going to have to see what the natural progression of events is when you return to work later this week.

It is clear that returning your MIL to her own home is a high risk strategy that is almost certainly doomed to fail. You may therefore need to see how you returning to work plays out, knowing that there is a chance that she will take some kind of action that will require intervention by the authorities in order to keep her safe. This may have to include sectioning her. I know there is a lot of stigma associated with sectioning but in this situation it could prove to be a blessing in disguise. It would allow action to be taken that you as a family would never be able to achieve as your MIL would resist. It takes the decision making away from you and could give your MIL someone else to point the finger at for her being where she is. Chances are that all they would do is review her medication and then move her to a care home.

My main fear would be the scenario where she follows through with her threat and leaves the house and gets lost. If she is not familiar with the area there is no telling where she might end up or what harm she might do to herself in the process. I do however have a cunning plan! I don't know what day you are due to go back to work, but lets say it is Thursday...what you could do is go through the motions and let your MIL believe you are off to work on Wednesday!! You can tell her how things are going to be. Mum will be round to give you lunch. We will phone you during the day to make sure you are ok. Don't leave the house and don't answer the door to strangers. If there is an emergency you know to dial 999. Then you leave for 'work'. Maybe sit round the corner in your car, watch to see what she is up to, phone her as promised etc. if you see her leaving the home, then you have a decision to make...do you allow a controlled crisis to arise? Do you phone the police and tell them you're out for the day and cannot contact your MIL? Do you phone the GP and say she is out of control and can he intervene and do whatever is necessary? At least doing it this way you are still on a day off and don't have to think about work and better you find out what she does when you can protect her than having to wait until you return to work for real.

As always, just my views based on my experiences,

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[larabyron]

Thanks for that, Fiona, I'm feeling a lot better today - helped by the fact that MIL is having a good day...........okay, so she did ask the 65 year old hairdresser if she was still doing an apprenticeship, but that made the hairdresser's day! No threats to run away or accusations of cruelty. Maybe she senses my mood and picks up from it. I've organized carers to come in all day here for the rest of the week and an agency can pick it up at her home from Sunday. Yes it's high risk and we're all aware that it's a short term solution to a long term problem but the agency say they have dealt with lots of cases like this. I guess we have to just try and see if she can cope at home for a while until the disease progresses and she enters a different stage. Perhaps then she will become more compliant and willing to stay with us. I am, however, very annoyed with Norfolk Social Services who have not returned any of the calls I've made to them and my SIL has had the same problem. We are in the fortunate position of being able to fund some care and arrange it ourselves but I am only too aware that many people are completely dependant on Social Services, I can only hope that they get better attention than we have had!

Rant over, and thanks again for your post.

 

[Witzend]

It is so frustrating to try to arrange anything from this distance and all the time knowing she will undo anything we put in place. She has a horror of residential care homes and I would do anything to avoid that but my GP says there is a risk of her being sectioned under the Mental Health Act if she is at risk.

Just to say, many elderly people have a horror of care homes, probably because of the old fashioned stigma and long shadows of the workhouse. However, despite all the horror stories there are some excellent ones out there, and being realistic, if there is a chance that it might be needed at some stage then it's better to be prepared, by at least looking at some in the meantime.

What all too often happens is that it is left until it has become a matter of real urgency, and by then it's a question of finding anywhere that has a place available, which will probably not be the one you'd choose. And then it's even more disruption if you want to move someone later.

 

[Lucy Lastic]

Sectioning under the Mental Health Act was the best thing I have ever done for my Mother. Don't be afraid of setting the wheels in motion, sometimes there is no alternative.

Best Wishes.

 

[bad daughter]

Sectioning under the Mental Health Act was the best thing I have ever done for my Mother. Don't be afraid of setting the wheels in motion, sometimes there is no alternative.

Best Wishes.

I agree - sounds horrible and isn't nice to see (fortunately we were spared that) - but it's really the beginning of the next phase and comes with quite a lot of help to move on