bitter/jealous of other people's mums

[hopefulasever]

I've found it increasingly upsetting when my friends talk about their mums. It started out just being a niggling envy, but over Christmas I became even more jealous than usual, not necessarily of the presents that people got, but of the fact their mums *could* buy them presents. It's the same with this easter, I keep hearing about what my friends' mums have bought them or done etc and I am so so jealous. Even when they talk about arguing with their mums, I genuinely want to slap them because I'd give anything to be able to have a normal argument with my mum. Sometimes I really struggle because I don't want to be bitter or jealous, and I want to be a normal person, but it seems like I am constantly being reminded that my mum isn't really here (and then I feel ungrateful because she is still alive.. just not the way she was)

 

[sah]

Oh I so get you with this-although with me, it's husbands, not mums( although I do get fed up when people moan about mums as I lost mine over 27 years ago). Friends are great and take me out to give me a break-but seeing them with their OHs hurts as it shows me what I don't have.One friend was complaining as she only got a bunch of flowers for Valentines...if only...

At least people on here get it! You are being normal-don't beat yourself up.

 

[JackyS]

Hello, I am so sorry for how you feel and I completely understand. I'm not sure I have any real advice to help - just treasure every moment you spend with your Mum, because one day she won't be there at all and it's good to have some treasured memories to look back on.

Oh, and stop beating yourself up - this is a normal feeling that will pass. You are lucky because you had such a special relationship with your Mum - lots and lots and lots of people out there never have that (even if Mum does buy them prezzies etc!!)

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi When you say that your friends chat about getting presents etc from their mum and you are feeling a bit resentful when you hear this as you are in a situation with your mum where she is unable to do these things. I wonder if your friends are aware of how you are feeling? I am sure as a friend of someone they would not be saying these things to make you feel bad. It might be worth telling them when you are feeling jealous or resentful and that you feel unhappy and wish that you were in their situation having a relationship with their mums. Jealousy comes from being unhappy and that is what you are feeling. You are missing your mum and and it may help to let them know this and give them a chance to support you. Most good friends would be mortified if they felt they was causing their friends pain and you need to keep hold of friends for support when you are going through the loneliness of caring for loved ones.

 

[youngcarer87]

Same!!

I often find it really hard when others talk about their mums but I do try not to let it show!! And definitly its worse when they complain about their mum, I so badly wanna say to be greatful! Especially on mothers day, i wrote on my FB status not to save 'I love you's' for mothers day but tell her every day. xxx

 

[tomkitten16]

My heart goes out to you- our mum has dementia and cannot always write legibly so any birthday cards I send from her to my son ,I write but he says that he would rather have none if it means that mum can't do her scribble. I too, miss the hand written cards above all else that mum used to send to us all (there is only me , my sister,and her 2 grandchildren). Love lorraine xx

 

[JaneDee]

Last Christmas I hosted it for my family for the first time (mum has done every other year) and so many people commented to me how I should go to my mum's and let her spoil me. I had to hold back the tears, if only they knew!

I miss my mum too! I also find that I talk about her in past tense when in fact she is very much alive and kicking.

 

[hopefulasever]

thanks for all the support . I went to the pub last night with my friends and ended up going to the loo to have a little cry (so none of them would know as I didn't want to make a scene or bring the tone down) because they were talking about how one of our friends' mums had broken her wrist and had to have an x-ray so they were all talking about hospitals and scans - all of which reminded me of the amount of scans my mum's had etc. I know none of them are doing this remotely spitefully, I think part of the problem is I'm only 21 so none of my friends have encountered this before. I really wish I could be more care free and not have this hanging over me which sounds awful because I desparetely want my mum - I guess I just wish she'd never got ill in the first place!

 

[avitalrose]

I am on the same situation

Dear hopefulasever,

I can definitely understand you. I am in my 30's and both my parents who are in their early 60's have dementia.
Most parents in my country support their kids and their young families. The thing which angers me the most is when married friends preach me about having children, I look at them and think: "Yeah, it's easy for you to speak: your parents buy everything for your child, they babysit, and even still cook for you, my parents can't do these things for me!"

I used to be a party girl and have turned into a realistic, responsible, & hard working person since my parents became ill, but sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to take care of everything & everyone. I guess even when you're an adult you still need your mum & dad.

 

[may39]

An interesting thread that you have started and one which I am sure many of us can relate to. I am already nodding my head in agreement with many of the comments made so far. You obviously had a great relationship with your mum before all this otherwise you would not be missing what you had so much. I dont know if you have any siblings. I am lucky enough to have a great sister and through all of this we have probably become closer, instead of turning to mum for support we seem to lean on each other in now instead. I remember taking mum for lunch one day and all around I seemed to be surrounded by mothers and daughters having either a laugh or a deep conversation. I felt jealous of just that simple ability. Now when we go out I talk for both of us and if anyone heard they would feel sorry for mum thinking she could not get a word in but the alternative is complete silence or fifty questions of something like " have you got the house key " for example ( or something similar ). I know which I prefer !

 

[bronnie]

i am very much with you here

Gosh i read this and thought that really is me. Tonight ive joined here because ive been needing some support. Its helped to hear that im not alone. My mum is 61 and 32 and she was diagnosed in feb 2013 with early onset. For many years ive seen much change in my mum and have felt so desperate. When my friends enjoy such times with their mums i do sometimes feel very sad. I find the best time to talk to my mum is on a one to one because big environments really iverwhelm her. So shopping trips are defo a no go. My mum could shop for england once and absolutely loved it niw she hates it. Its a hard journey we are on together. I love her so much such a vile and horrible illness. X