Does Anyone Else Get Mithered??

[snoggy1one]

When I get started... it all pours out. Well, quite often I type up a post, then chicken out and delete it, and things just build up... but today, I am completely tired out so I am posting this bravely.

I am trying to have some kind of half term with my children but the care home keep phoning me up telling me mum is demanding to talk to me, and is being agitated and throwing wobblers, demanding I collect her and take her home. She has been very agitated lately.

Does anyone else get these problems? Or am I being mean not jumping to mums aid all the time? I visit mum fequently but am trying to spend some time with my family just for a change. I am tired out with trying to juggle visits, and keep everyone happy and I have definately been putting the family last for ages now.

Mum has been in the care home for over a year now and I am fed up of jumping to it each time the care home phone me, or when mum demands I visit and I am left with impossible demands from her, as I cannot cope for long when I have mum at home with me. I feel really upset, and stressed with it all.

I feel mean not running to mum's rescue when she feels so imprisoned, but, its a nice day and I feel I should spend time with the kids for a change, but, I am always torn in two.

Does anyone else get regular phone calls from the care home? They say that mum has rights, and they are going with her requests to phone me. However, I can never realistically solve mums frustrations...... Help!

How do others cope? Just wondered....

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I don't think this is at all fair on you, what about your rights and those of your children!!!

Have you asked the CH to distract your Mum and interest her in something else? Could you try saying, if you need to phone me I will be available for 15 mins at such a time to suit yourself? Does your Mum care about/consider the grandchildren - if so you could say you are taking them to a birthday party they have been invited to for example.

You may have tried all these things, hope you get some other suggestions but please do limit your availability or arrange to call the CH at YOUR convenience.

When I get started... it all pours out. Well, quite often I type up a post, then chicken out and delete it, and things just build up... but today, I am completely tired out so I am posting this bravely.

I am trying to have some kind of half term with my children but the care home keep phoning me up telling me mum is demanding to talk to me, and is being agitated and throwing wobblers, demanding I collect her and take her home. She has been very agitated lately.

Does anyone else get these problems? Or am I being mean not jumping to mums aid all the time? I visit mum fequently but am trying to spend some time with my family just for a change. I am tired out with trying to juggle visits, and keep everyone happy and I have definately been putting the family last for ages now.

Mum has been in the care home for over a year now and I am fed up of jumping to it each time the care home phone me, or when mum demands I visit and I am left with impossible demands from her, as I cannot cope for long when I have mum at home with me. I feel really upset, and stressed with it all.

I feel mean not running to mum's rescue when she feels so imprisoned, but, its a nice day and I feel I should spend time with the kids for a change, but, I am always torn in two.

Does anyone else get regular phone calls from the care home? They say that mum has rights, and they are going with her requests to phone me. However, I can never realistically solve mums frustrations...... Help!

How do others cope? Just wondered....

 

[Moonflower]

Tell the care home you are going away for a few days, and will ring in to check that mum is ok.

 

[jaymor]

This would truly drive me mad. We all know that this wanting to go home, where ever home is, is a problem and the care home should be dealing with this. They are paid handsomely to care and distracting and calming people is part of the care they should be giving.

I visit my husband every other day and I ask how he has been. They tell me if he has been difficult, agitated or quiet. They tell me what he has done that he has enjoyed doing. That is it. They have dealt with whatever has arisen.

You too have a right to be able to get on with your life and taking care of your family. Wanting to go home is one of the less problematic things of dementia, what will they be asking you to do when the agitation developes into aggression and maybe incontinence comes into it?

I think I would ask for an appointment with the manager and say you will accept one call a day so your Mum has spoken to you and then her care is their responsibility. They are being paid to provide her daily care, you will provide her recreational care. Maybe difficult to do as none of us want to be confrontational with care home staff but sometimes it has to be said.

Good luck and hopefully a more peaceful life very soon,

Jay

 

[Christin]

Hello, I am sorry to read this. It does seem to me as though the care home are not managing your mum as well as they might do.

Can I ask if this behaviour is new? Is the care home registered to care for people with dementia?

In my own opinion, I think I would make an appointment to speak to the manager and let them that know that there are too many calls, especially during the school holidays, and that your children need you at this time.

Stand firm Very best wishes to you.

 

[lin1]

Hello
Yes your Mother has rights but so do you and your family and IMO You and your family should come first

the care home should be dealing with the situation instead of choosing the easy option that they are now

I would have words with the manager and and state what you want

but to be perfectly honest, it seems to me , they are unable or unwilling (probably the latter ) to cope, so my advice is if things don't improve rapidly after your talk with the manager
I would start looking for another place for your mum

 

[Witzend]

I don't understand the care home's attitude. When my mother first went into hers she was constantly demanding to ring my brother. They were very good and 9 times out of ten would pretend to dial and then tell her he was out or not answering. I don't see why yours can't do the same - they really should not be stressing you out like this.

Maybe you will have to be firm and tell them you will only accept (say) one or two calls a day at certain times. And if they ring at other times, tell them firmly that you are very busy and cannot speak to her now. (or else just not answer). I know this will be very hard when you are worried about your mother and upset to think of her being agitated, but unless you do something similar it seems that the CH will continue to take the easy route by passing the 'difficult buck' to you.

They really should be able to deal with this, it can't be a very uncommon problem.
Seems to me that they are using her 'rights' as an excuse not to cope. Someone has mentioned similar with bathing in respite - the person's 'rights' meant they weren't bothering to wash them - it was only their problem for a week, after which they'd be going home so according to them no need to take the trouble.

Should add that after a few weeks in the CH my mother gradually forgot about phoning.

BTW I love that word 'mithering' - my granny used it a lot and it's been in the family ever since, though I hardly ever hear it anywhere else.

 

[snoggy1one]

Thanks for the replies. I have been waiting to see if anyone has any comments, or if I am being considered to be harsh or selfish by not jumping to it for my mum or considering her feelings and rights.
Trouble is... its hard to know where mum's personality and feelings begin and end, and the disease starts and takes over... if you get my drift... ????

Mum's care home does cater for dementia, but, mum seems to be the only one our of many who is very very unsettled. I am a little embarassed about the disruption she causes to other residents and I think some carers and Team Leaders might cope better than others depending on the shifts. However, the last phone call was received when a very experienced and capable Team leader was involved.

I will take your advice and tackle them and hopefully get some peace.

Thanks for the help. I feel much better now xxx

 

[bad daughter]

Voicemail?

If all else fails, could you screen your calls and let Mum's go to voicemail. Devious I know, and doesn't entirely solve the problem since her messages will still upset you, but at least you can deal with them at your convenience rather than the CH's

 

[HelenInBC]

I think if I were in your situation, I would do the same as I do now when my mom calls me too often. I let the voice mail pick it up and I check the messages when I have time. Often she doesn't even know why she is calling, and in your case it's likely that she just wants to beg you to take her "home", so you could let the care home know you will screen their calls.
Perhaps ask them to call your cell or another number if it's an emergency. This way you won't be worried about missing an important call from them.

 

[stillcaring]

You MUST spend time with your family, especially the children. My children are now 15, 18 and 20 but I have been caring for at least 1 relative with dementia for 8 years. If I hadn't been quite determined to put them first I'd have missed out on whole chunks of their childhoods. When my aunt was in a care home they did phone me quite a lot, usually to report problems (my aunt because quite aggressive and physically violent) but they only phoned to report what had happened and did not expect me to talk to her, or to rush over. For a while she was in hospital and then I did have to go down quite a lot and sort out problems, but that was only for a week or so (half term of course and while I was also moving my mother). Once your children are back at school you can spend a bit more time with your mum. I'm sure that the person she was before the dementia wouldn't have wanted you to miss out on time with her grandchildren.

 

[cragmaid]

Tell the care home you are going away for a few days, and will ring in to check that mum is ok.

I am sorry to read this. It does seem to me as though the care home are not managing your mum as well as they might do.

Both of these replies sum up my answer to your dilemma.
Eventually the calls will slow down. Mum has only called me once in the last ten days. This is from someone who once clocked nearly 40 calls in 12 hours.

 

[CollegeGirl]

It's very, very hard to keep everyone happy, isn't it? I feel the pressure of supporting my dad in his care of my mam, I feel totally responsible for his health and happiness because he never thinks of himself and puts my mam first every time, without exception. So it falls to me to try to persuade him to look after himself too.

But I have my own life, too, and why should my life, and the lives of my hubby and daughters not be equally important? Of course they are, but when faced with difficulties it's hard to remember that.

This holiday I'm trying to spend time with my 14 year old. She herself has a problem that I don't want to go into here, but which means that she needs me and my attention to be focussed solely on her sometimes. I can't, nor do I want to, neglect those needs. Besides, I enjoy being with her and want to treasure the closeness that we have. I don't want to turn round and find she's suddenly grown up and I missed everything. After all, when my parents were my age, they were enjoying their lives, as they rightly should.

Don't spread yourself too thin, as no-one benefits from that. Enjoy as much time as you can with your kids. Ignore the phone; telling them to call on your mobile if it's a genuine emergency is a good idea, otherwise tell them you'll check in once a day or every other day for a chat with your mum to make sure all is well.

It's hard, but you can do it!

 

[starryuk]

After all, when my parents were my age, they were enjoying their lives, as they rightly should.

I suppose times have changed. By the time my parents were 55/60, their parents had already died. Prior to that I certainly don't recall much contact with my grandparents.
Mum and Dad retired and p***** off to live in Tenerife. Yes, I am glad they had such a good life together for so many years, after all they had to live through the war...but they didn't choose to hang around to give me any support when I was bringing up two young children on my own. (whoops! resentment showing!)

Now here I am, one of the 'sandwich' generation, trying to support children/grandchildren and mother at the same time. As are so many of us here. So much frustration, guilt and despair...and I, for one, was planning a peaceful retirement!!!

Are we really responsible for our parents' happiness? If we think we are, yet cannot succeed in this, where does it leave us and our own well being/ mental/physical health and how important do we think that is?

Oh dear, where did this rant come from? I shall stop now. I hope I have not offended any/many of you, it just started me thinking...

Angela

 

[CollegeGirl]

Well, you haven't offended me, Angela!

Yes, my mam and dad enjoyed their lives at my age because they had both lost their parents many years before. The times they went through were tragic, and absolutely horrible, but they were over quickly. I'm not trying to make light of their losses, not one iota, but dementia is a special kind of torture, I think.

I know that others may disagree, and I understand that.

Edit - just wanted to add, going back to the original post: I've spent two hours today at the hospital meeting, two hours sitting with my MiL who is also in hospital (in another town), some time in the dentist's chair, and the rest of the time ferrying my daughter around. It's hard not to think, sometimes - when do I get to live MY life?

Rant over.

 

[britlec]

Are we really responsible for our parents' happiness? If we think we are, yet cannot succeed in this, where does it leave us and our own well being/ mental/physical health and how important do we think that is?

How many important and serious questions are brought up here in this forum ...I don't know if we are responsible for our parents' happiness - all I know is I can't bear my father (my mother is dead) to be unhappy. It's a feeling I can't help so toughers here I am stuck with my darling demented Dad. But I do often feel envious - my parents never spent a day looking after their parents, who died when my mum and dad were still relatively young. My grandparents were alive one minute and gone the next - no long illnesses, no fuss, no traumatic choices.

 

[Sunbell]

Hi snoggy1one,
Just been reading your post and it was as if it was myself writing it a while ago.

In mums previous residential home I got phone calls just about every evening - mum saying she wanted to speak to me and then when she came on the phone all I got was crying and shouting about wanting me to go to her NOW or she would do something drastic. As you can imagine it was like torture and ended up making me ill.

I made appointment to see manager and my husband explained all what was happening and her reply was that it was probably the evening staff being lazy and opting for the easy option and phoning me. I told her that I only wanted calling if mum was ill or had a fall etc. and not just to calm her down as it obviously did not work and only made her worse when I was unable to come at the drop of a hat. I am myself disabled and it wasn't possible to just down tools and rush over there.

The staff all got the message from the manager and the calls stopped. I then realised that as the weeks went by that the res. home could not give mum the care she needed as her Alzheimers was getting increasingly severe so we moved her to a proper dementia nursing home where the care is by far much better and although the move unsettled mum she is now settling in better.

You will have to be firm with the manager because it could be that the staff are just opting for the easy option and phoning you and after all said and done you are paying for 24/7 care for your mum. Non of us puts our loved ones into care because we want to, but through necessity, and you expect good care when they go there. If you don't feel you are getting the appropriate care for mum I would advise you to look round for another home like I did - it was for the best as it turned out.

Good luck with this and sending you hugs because I know just what you are going through.

Sunbell

 

[Suetrinder]

Phone calls

When I get started... it all pours out. Well, quite often I type up a post, then chicken out and delete it, and things just build up... but today, I am completely tired out so I am posting this bravely.

I am trying to have some kind of half term with my children but the care home keep phoning me up telling me mum is demanding to talk to me, and is being agitated and throwing wobblers, demanding I collect her and take her home. She has been very agitated lately.

Does anyone else get these problems? Or am I being mean not jumping to mums aid all the time? I visit mum fequently but am trying to spend some time with my family just for a change. I am tired out with trying to juggle visits, and keep everyone happy and I have definately been putting the family last for ages now.

Mum has been in the care home for over a year now and I am fed up of jumping to it each time the care home phone me, or when mum demands I visit and I am left with impossible demands from her, as I cannot cope for long when I have mum at home with me. I feel really upset, and stressed with it all.

I feel mean not running to mum's rescue when she feels so imprisoned, but, its a nice day and I feel I should spend time with the kids for a change, but, I am always torn in two.

Does anyone else get regular phone calls from the care home? They say that mum has rights, and they are going with her requests to phone me. However, I can never realistically solve mums frustrations...... Help!

How do others cope? Just wondered....[/QUOTE


in the home where my mum lived all staff looked after her, this included the office staff, cleaners, chef, as well as the carers. If she wanted to speak to me, the secretary would encourage her to use their phone to ring me. I would chat to her, tell her I would call in after I had looked after my children or something similar and that seemed enough to calm her.