How can I possibly go on holiday, some advise please!!!!

tarababe

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
192
0
Durham
Some of you will recall my history. Placed mum in Care home, she fell and broke her arm and leg.

So, it's been about 8 weeks since she moved in and I have noticed a decline in her . She is obviously more confused now and constantly asks to go back home to ***** (She mentions her street) When we visit, she constantly says, "Come on then, lets go!!!!" and is quite urgent in the way she says it. We are constantly changing the subject, trying to tell white lies to delay what she asks and then the next time we visit, it starts all over again.

The carers say sometimes she is settled so to speak and other times they can't get her to be. They try different floors where there are various lounges for residents, but sometimes there is no settling/pleasing her.

I find she is much more in need of affection and cuddles which I have not been used to. We were not a really a touchy feely family, but in every other way possible, we are so very close. The carers try their best, but if I'm honest some are quite young and some do understand part of dementia but not as much as on here. We have to make suggestions that we feel might help and sometimes it does and to be fair, they do listen.

So, my worry is this.....Last year, before all this happened, my husband wanted to book a holiday and so we did, to Egypt. We go in two weeks, for two weeks.. I am so scared to leave mum for this length of time and although we will have a mobile and the home can call us should anything happen, I just can't look forward to leaving her and don't know how I will cope. My husband tells me she will be fine and that we both are in need of a break and that I should relax and try to enjoy it. He says she is in a better place than when she was at home with carers coming in. Our last holiday involved calls every day to check she was ok and it was so hard to enjoy it.Thats was three years ago though.

Although she still knows me and my husband and isn't as far down the line as some people, she is definitely worse for being in a strange place and I feel so cruel for putting her there, even though I know she is physically safer than at home. I think it's the mental torment that makes me so sad, the fact that she is confused and gets upset and depressed a lot, even when we are there. I feel I have made this worse putting her into the home.

Can anyone advise what I can do on maybe a practical note, to try to reassure her we only on holiday, that's if she has any concept of time. I do wonder, as the carers say they try to reasure her we have visited, but she is adamant we have not....I'm so confused as to what she understands and what she doesn't and worry that if I go away for 14 days she will go rappidly down hill. I feel that somewhere in the back of her mind, our visits do help even if she doesn't remember, so if we don't visit for such a long period, will this make her worse. Maybe she does now live in the moment and if so will it make any difference if we don't see her for 14 days?

Oh, am I making any sense at all. Its so hard to put into words.:(
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Hiya,

What you could do is make up and leave some cards and notelets for the carers to give her every day that you are away. You could also leave her some little gifts wrapped in pretty paper, maybe a bar of chocolate or some hand cream, that kind of thing. It will give the carers something to interact with her with and will keep you in the picture while you are away and reassure her that you will be back soon.

Hope this helps,

Fiona
 

ejay7

Registered User
Mar 31, 2013
23
0
Bedfordshire UK
Tarababe, my Mum has been in a Care Home since the end of February. It was impossible for her to stay living by herself and although I did my best, I just couldn't be there 24 hours a day. She has surprised us by settling in quite smoothly. She does 'dip' when it's time for us to go and gets anxious about why she's there and how she gets to her bedroom etc. But the staff tell me she doesn't even mention us when we aren't there! They say she is fine. I wonder sometimes if visiting often is doing her any good as it seems to unsettle her again. What I'm trying to say is "go on your holiday! Relax. Take time out. And don't worry!". Your Mum is safe. She wouldn't want you to feel so torn x
 

MinnieMouse

Registered User
Jun 24, 2012
109
0
North West
My advice would be to go on holiday and try and relax and make the most of it, I know you will be on pins thinking of your Mum every day, you owe it to yourself and to your husband, he will want to spend some time with his wife and if your Mum was well I am sure she would tell you what I am telling you. I am in the same position as you and when I go away I don't 100% enjoy it but you have to carry on. My Mum would not know if I went every day or not at all. It is so sad. But you deserve some time on holiday and at least your Mum is in a care home and she is getting looked after. Then can phone you if they need too, take care & let us know what you decide xxxx
 

Karjo

Registered User
Jan 11, 2012
481
0
I am in a very similar situation to you, worn out but scared of going away. My mum is in a nursing home and so dreadfully unhappy and wanting home as well. You are not alone with this though its probably of little comfort., Do you have any other family or friends you can call on to visit her while you are away, and update you.
I wish we could make more use of technology so that we could keep a check on our loved ones and communicate with them in these dark times, but unfortunately it seems impossible even to leave mum with a phone as it would go missing even if she could use it. Wretched disease.
I really hope you get some useful replies as I would also like a break. Its funny you think going into care is the answer but its not, the pain still continues.
Strangely enough Mum was in tears once again today when we arrived, which breaks my heart because I can only assume she is distressed like this most of the time. When she calmed down she said she had really had enough of the place and the hooligans there(other residents) who steal all her things, and she thought maybe the time had come for her to be put in a home! My poor mum, our poor mums - so confused.
 

tarababe

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
192
0
Durham
Hiya,

What you could do is make up and leave some cards and notelets for the carers to give her every day that you are away. You could also leave her some little gifts wrapped in pretty paper, maybe a bar of chocolate or some hand cream, that kind of thing. It will give the carers something to interact with her with and will keep you in the picture while you are away and reassure her that you will be back soon.

Hope this helps,

Fiona


Hi Fiona. That sounds like a great idea, in theory. My concern is because I don't know if she forgets immediately, if you know what I mean. So would it be a lot of work for little or no result. I just don't know. :(

Tarababe, my Mum has been in a Care Home since the end of February. It was impossible for her to stay living by herself and although I did my best, I just couldn't be there 24 hours a day. She has surprised us by settling in quite smoothly. She does 'dip' when it's time for us to go and gets anxious about why she's there and how she gets to her bedroom etc. But the staff tell me she doesn't even mention us when we aren't there! They say she is fine. I wonder sometimes if visiting often is doing her any good as it seems to unsettle her again. What I'm trying to say is "go on your holiday! Relax. Take time out. And don't worry!". Your Mum is safe. She wouldn't want you to feel so torn x

I wonder this too. Sometimes when we are there and my husband goes out of the lounge to check her room, when he returns, she reacts as if he has just got there. She would forget we had visited her when she was in her own house and at times though we had been when we hadn't. I just remembered that actually.:rolleyes:

My advice would be to go on holiday and try and relax and make the most of it, I know you will be on pins thinking of your Mum every day, you owe it to yourself and to your husband, he will want to spend some time with his wife and if your Mum was well I am sure she would tell you what I am telling you. I am in the same position as you and when I go away I don't 100% enjoy it but you have to carry on. My Mum would not know if I went every day or not at all. It is so sad. But you deserve some time on holiday and at least your Mum is in a care home and she is getting looked after. Then can phone you if they need too, take care & let us know what you decide xxxx

MinniMouse, I know you're right and it's so good to hear others are going through exactly the same as me. I do wonder whether she remembers we have been and whether the time in between affects her or not....:rolleyes:

I am in a very similar situation to you, worn out but scared of going away. My mum is in a nursing home and so dreadfully unhappy and wanting home as well. You are not alone with this though its probably of little comfort., Do you have any other family or friends you can call on to visit her while you are away, and update you.
I wish we could make more use of technology so that we could keep a check on our loved ones and communicate with them in these dark times, but unfortunately it seems impossible even to leave mum with a phone as it would go missing even if she could use it. Wretched disease.
I really hope you get some useful replies as I would also like a break. Its funny you think going into care is the answer but its not, the pain still continues.
Strangely enough Mum was in tears once again today when we arrived, which breaks my heart because I can only assume she is distressed like this most of the time. When she calmed down she said she had really had enough of the place and the hooligans there(other residents) who steal all her things, and she thought maybe the time had come for her to be put in a home! My poor mum, our poor mums - so confused.

Karjo, I am with you totally. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't..My husbands father and wife are moving an hour away from where we and the care home are, a couple of days after we go on holiday. My husband thinks if we ask, they will pop and see her, even if just once or twice. She won't recognise them but may understand when they explain who they are. Also my brother, who really does nothing for her, may if he can find the time, also call, even once, to check on her and reassure us.

We thought of a mobile phone to give the home, but timing the calls and them locating which floor she is on etc would be a nightmare. Plus she can't hear very well so the issues continue.

As for her being upset, yes that's what breaks my heart. To see her distressed and only once thank goodness when we were there, in tears, is the worst thing in the world. She also says the same thing about "Maybe I should go into a home!!!" Oh how I wish I could take all this away from her and make her happy again.:(


You sound like a very loving daughter. To stay strong you need to take a break. Please think of yourself and your hubbie.

I know you are right 3littlepigs and if for no other reason than my husband, I have to give him a holiday. He is so good with mum and has been such a help and support through all this, going beyond the role of a step son in helping her. I owe it to him.:eek: