Is it time to do more?

[Jacqui 99]

Mum lives alone (150yds up the road from me, handily) and I've been going with the flow since her AD diagnosis 2 yrs ago in that I don't interfere with what she will or will not do. So now she gets no exercise and (I'm noticing her breathlessness after only a few steps ), no social life (after always being very sociable)she is only eating bacon and egg, crisps, mars bars, and melons and bananas, plus drinking a lot of whisky.... She is happy and content in herself and accepts (even boasts) about her Alzheimer's. She laughs about how lazy she is but doesn't want to do any more. My question is should I start directing her a bit more.... make her come out for walks or for outings... cook her meals for her... engineer some social activities...? I know how she's living is unhealthy but she's so cheery and content just to have me visit and listen to her stories ( always the same ones, but that's my problem!) I'm torn about what's best for her.
Any thoughts welcome. Thanks for being there.

 

[tomkitten16]

hi Jacqui- I felt uplifted reading your post - how your mum is enjoying her life and living it on her terms despite her illness. God how I wish my mum could be the same -she has dementia and from being a happy-go-lucky lady, she is now in the depths of depression.Mum is in a CH and she is so sad. I am happy for your mum that she still enjoys lifes pleasures and long may it last.Lorraine xx

 

[at wits end]

I found when my gran first went downhill she was quite resistant to interference but not every one is the same. I would say suggest some ideas and see how she reacts. My gran quite liked Meals on Wheels after the initial upset that she wasnt able to cook anymore.
And she would never socialise with anyone through choice but was happy to see a neighbour who could be persuaded to pop in ocassionally.

I think the more support she gets now the longer YOU will be able to manage her being in her own home. Make some suggestions but if she is happy overall it's not worth changing that.

I'm sure others will be along with some good ideas.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Jacqui, how old is your mother? I think that will have a lot to do with. I would gently encourage her to go for walks with you, call it shopping if that helps. I feel the most you should do at this point is to gently encourage her to eat more fresh fruit & veg, take some walks etc.

I'm so happy to hear that she's happy. It's what many of us here strive for.

 

[kingmidas1962]

If you want an honest answer I'll give you mine, for what its worth!

As long as she isn't physically endangering herself (wandering, leaving the gas on etc etc) and your concerns are about her lack and activity and diet I have to say I would leave her be ... but I don't know her the way you do. It sounds as though she has slipped comfortably into her condition - at the moment - which seems to be a rare thing ... and personally I'd be hesitant to rock the boat - again though, you know her best.

Having said THAT there may be a way that you could include some of the things which might make her healthier (and therefore make you feel happier) like go and cook for/with her while you listen to her tales (again!) or wander gently down to the shop with her to - oh I don't know, buy more chocolate (that's a bit counter-productive haha)

That was all a bit wishy washy, but I think that your phrase 'go with the flow' certainly sums up a good approach as things stand

 

[Jacqui 99]

Wow. How lovely to have replies so soon. I haven't posted since the diagnosis 2 yrs ago. Thanks everyone. I know I'm fortunate that she's in a cheery frame of mind (I have been browsing other threads.... such strength in such distressing circumstances!)
Anyway I'll count my blessings for now and see if I can gently introduce a bit more variety. I love the walk her to the shops to buy chocolate suggestion...
I didn't know about meals-on-wheels still being in existence ( mum used to volunteer for them years ago!) She's 85 by the way.... I'll look them up.
She justifies her lifestyle by saying she'd rather rust away than wear away! And her whisky habit is acceptable because she "doesn't smoke or go out with women" !!!!
Thanks again
Xx

 

[rjm]

Hi Jacqui,

My general feeling is that a contented but shorter end is preferable to an angry, fighting with your family, drawn out ending - as long as she is not a danger. If she has a couple of glasses of whisky and falls asleep, no problem; but if she has a couple of glasses and goes wandering in traffic or sets the house on fire it is a different issue and must be dealt with.

Your concern and willingness to help are the most important things here, there really are no right or wrong answers. Best of luck with whichever route you take.

 

[kingmidas1962]

.
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She justifies her lifestyle by saying she'd rather rust away than wear away! And her whisky habit is acceptable because she "doesn't smoke or go out with women" !!!!
Thanks again
Xx

she sounds like my kind of girl! What a great sense of humour xxxx

 

[Jacqui 99]

she sounds like my kind of girl! What a great sense of humour xxxx

Ha . Yes she's a character ... She does however say those thing every time I see her...

 

[Jacqui 99]

hi Jacqui- I felt uplifted reading your post - how your mum is enjoying her life and living it on her terms despite her illness. God how I wish my mum could be the same -she has dementia and from being a happy-go-lucky lady, she is now in the depths of depression.Mum is in a CH and she is so sad. I am happy for your mum that she still enjoys lifes pleasures and long may it last.Lorraine xx

So sorry to hear how sad yr mum is. Thanks for expressing happiness for mine Yr post helped me appreciate the positive angle more. I hope you and your mum find some comfort and happiness. X

 

[Forestridge]

My Mum is the same, happy as long as she can watch Sky sports. Goodness knows what she is eating, most of the frozen meals I bought are still in the freezer. However she's looking far from malnourished and the nurse thought she'd out on more weight. I'll review situation in a week or two.

I noticed the Consultant when she was diagnosed (mixed dementia) said she could eat what she liked and didn't mention physical exercise. My brother and I have decided maximum happiness for as long as possible is the name of the game. So we 're taking the approach that unless it's a direct threat to her safety or that of others then she should be left to get on with it. Her meds had to be locked away this week and the Carers administer which she is cross about but it's not distracting her too much from Sky Sports.

 

[Jaycee23]

I agree with a lot of what is being said. If your mum is safe and manages to cook her eggs and bacon without leaving the cooker on etc then I would let her live her life as she is. This is also giving her something to do. My mum used to do handwashing even though she had a automatic machine but it gave her something to do. She has you just up the road, she is content in her own home. Says it all really. When she or if she starts to deteriorate you will know when to step in. You have time to arm yourself with what is provided in your area which could in the future make your mums life more comfortable. If I get this wretched disease I hope that I am just like your mum and let nature take its course than dragged out, pumped with drugs and end up a zombie

 

[Il Gufo]

My view is this - if your mum is happy, let her get on with the whisky etc. Better that, than try and get her to do the healthy, 'right' thing, and have her be miserable. Interesting to read Forestridge's post re Sky sports. My mum seems to be always watching ITV 3, which runs endless repeats of Poirot, Heartbeat etc. I realised the other day that she probably likes watching the repeats, as the stories are familiar? She used to be an avid reader, but has stopped reading books, although likes her weekly magazines. I think she forgets what she has read the day before, so can't follow a story anymore. Yet another pleasure gone

 

[stanleypj]

I agree with the general view. Your mum is happy, that is a massive plus. She's eating and drinking. That's also vital. What she chooses to eat at 85 is maybe not really a problem.

There's no harm in you making suggestions and offers of trips out. But you shouldn't worry if she's not interested.

It was great to read this thread!

 

[Jacqui 99]

Thank you for all the replies and support. Yes TV plays a big part in her day/night, she often sleeps most of the day and sits up til the early hours with her whisky and watches Poirot, Last of the Summer Wine, Dads Army etc. I think you're right Il Gufo about the stories being familiar.
She did come out today , hooray, and we went to the supermarket. First time out of the house for 3weeks.
I agree Jaycee about giving her something to do, in the hope that she feels some sense of competence achievement and usefulness in the face of diminishing faculties. ... She managed her trolley today and followed her list quite well ,but was really tired and out of breath halfway round.(so was I!)
Anyway you've helped me realise that her contentment and happiness is the most important thing to nurture and treasure . Xxxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I wish my mam was contented and happy, Jacqui. What more can any of us ask for at the age of 85? I truly hope I am when I'm that age, whatever the circumstances of my health. Pour your mum a tot of whisky for me!

 

[Jacqui 99]

I wish my mam was contented and happy, Jacqui. What more can any of us ask for at the age of 85? I truly hope I am when I'm that age, whatever the circumstances of my health. Pour your mum a tot of whisky for me!

Whisky poured! Cheers ( and hugs) ......

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Jacqui

Don't try to change her lifestyle, it is working for her. But you could perhaps a visit to the Village Hall to see the Easter Parade hats, or whatever, and get her out of the house now and again? Or say Mrs Scroggins at the butchers was asking about you, why don't we go over there a buy a nice pork chop for your dinner tonight?

But if you meet with resistance, well never mind. Happiness is everything.

Love

Margaret

 

[Grandma Joan]

This is my first post and so good to read. MIL is 84 and diagnosed with Dementia about a year ago, sounds so similar, I was worried that all she eats is sandwiches / cakes / biscuits as she doesn't cook anymore and forgets that she has a freezer full of Wiltshire Farm Foods!

Happiness is the key!

 

[Jacqui 99]

Welcome Grandma Joan. I'm quite new to posting too even though I registered 2 years ago the day after mums diagnosis. She has been pretty stable really, the only noticeable decline being what I mentioned here about lifestyle, more repetition and forgetfulness and inability to process new information.
I'm really pleased I've come back to Talking Point as I know it's really supportive. Also it's a good feeling if your own experiences and thoughts can help someone else. I hope you come to find it a helpful group for your situation too. Keep us posted with how your MIL is doing and what happens to her Wiltshire farm foods!
Xx