Is going home every week a good idea ?

[Mardge]

This is my first post, I would be interested to know if anyone has experience of taking their relative back to their old home for a day on a weekly basis. My mum only went into a care home this year, for her safety. She always said she would go in a care home if needed and complained about other relatives refusing help, saying a care home was the best place for them, so I thought once she was in a home she would soon settle in. This has not been the case, I've moved her from one home to another where there are more daily activities as she previously enjoyed 2 days a week at a day centre.
I don't live locally but my brother still lives in the family home and insists on taking mum home once a week saying it is good for her.
I am having difficulty keeping my feelings under control when I visit I feel so guilty and get upset when after 2 minutes I am told to go home, that I don't care and that if I won't take her home, there is no point me being there. I know this is not my mum but it still doesn't help me stay in control. I don't know if going home for the day is making it harder for her to settle or wether the day at home is a relief to the way she is feeling during the week. I have seen when she is engaged in an activity how happy she is but she seems to want constant stimulation/attention. Will it get better? Can anyone suggest techniques to stop myself from bursting in to tears and having to leave.

 

[Shash7677]

Hi and welcome to TP. I hope you find it a helpful and supportive place to be.

In my honest and humble opinion taking mum home a day a week is not helping her causes. If she is in a care home she's in a care home and needs to try and see that as her new home. It's very difficult I know and I'm not sure how far advanced your mum is, my mum has severe AD and is in a Nursing Home, prior to this she was in a psychiatric assessment unit, her she constantly asked to go home but we would distract her by saying the boiler was broken and it was too cold or that I wasn't going to her house I had to go to work. I'd never dream even now with how advanced she is of taking her home, to be fair I'm surprised anyone manages to get your mum back into her care home after these visits.

It must be very upsetting and confusing for her. Why can't your brother take her out for the day but not to her house? Out for afternoon tea maybe or something like that? That way if you wanted to do the same you could but you wouldn't need to feel obliged to.

I'm quite surprised the care home haven't said anything about this being unsettling for mum. It may be worth having a word with the manager and asking how mum is he. She returns from these trips home, if she says she is unsettled for days then may e she could have a word with mums social worker (if she has one) and have the social worker speak to your brother. Nobody can force him to not take mum home but if she didnt settle in her first home and isn't settling now, I'd bet my bottom dollar on that being the reason.

Would you be happy to speak to the manager of the home and then speak to your brother yourself. I really think he is doing more harm than good and not helping mum.

Take care and remember there is a lot of support here for you. Keep posting and keep your chin up.

Hugs
Sharon
X x

 

[jan.s]

Hi, i agree with Sharon. Poor mum probably doesn't know where she lives! She needs time in the CH with her family around her to help her settle, in my opinion.

My thoughts on taking her home, especially if she remembers it as her home, it's like offering her something and then taking it away.

 

[garnuft]

I can only echo Sharon and Jan.
It seems cruel to show her the life she had before but cannot live.

I wish your Mum some peace and you too. You must worry dreadfully about her. XXX

 

[FifiMo]

Rather than you being the big bad wolf in the eyes of your brother etc. I would start by talking to the folks at the care home about your mum's needs. Having worked up an understanding with the care home, then you could ask for their help in explaining things to your brother and if necessary get them to convince him that taking mum home is making her worse and,not better.

You say you have moved homes etc already. Is this because perhaps mum hasn't settled and is asking to go home all the time. If it is, then the home your mum is seeking is often,not a home at all, but a longing, due to her feeling confused and restless, to return to somewhere that she understands and where she felt safe and secure. Most times the home being mentioned is one where she lived in with her parents as a child and is often accompanied by her asking for her parents and other relatives who have since passed away. If this is what is happening, then there is nothing that you can do to give her what she longs for..you can't bring her parents back and even if you could take her back to that old house, she is remembering it with the eyes of a child and not as it is now. All that can be done in these circumstances is to use delaying tactics, it is too late to go tonight, it is too cold, we will talk about it again tomorrow..that sort of thing.

Given that your mum likes activities, you could as the staff at the home to perhaps give her a job to do. Could she perhaps set the tables for lunch? Could she fold the napkins for them? That type of thing. Having a feeling of being needed and being responsible can help a lot. Rather than taking mum home, are there some activities that you or your brother could involve her in? What does she like doing? How about you doing a jigsaw together? Make some greetings cards? Play some games you remember from childhood..snakes and ladders, ludo, that type of thing. Is she inquisitive? How about putting a rummage box together for her? Put some old photographs in there, little trinkets, postcards, things to sort out, eg buttons, pile of ribbons, wool, fabric,...whatever her previous interests were, include some momentos. Instead of taking her home, how about planning a visit to a garden centre where you can buy lunch and choose a plant for her room or the garden at the care home. Is there secure gardens there that she can access? How about getting some bird food so she can sit and watch all the different birds?

I hope this helps and that you find something that helps your mum settle.

Fiona

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I also must agree that taking her back to her old home once a week is a bad idea. I think your brother should wait for at least 6 months before doing so. Good luck with getting that idea across to him.

 

[zeeeb]

I also agree going back home is a bad idea. Because it'll bring back all the memories and add to her confusion. Your brother thinks he's doing the right thing, but it's probably making things worse. Maybe he's doing it, so that he has an excuse to keep living there, and avoid selling up her home because he sees it as a reason to keep it.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

You could ask him directly in what way your Mum benefits by visits to her old home - might make him think!

 

[Karjo]

Please don't be too harsh on your brother. Maybe your mum responds so well when home he can't bare not to bring her home sometimes. maybe he feels he is really helping her with this. Have you been at home with both of them to see what she is like. Maybe she would settle better if she did not see her own home again, but in all honesty my Mum has not really settled yet and has not seen her home in over a year. actually she did not really see it as her home when she was there, she was losing the kitchen etc. She was several months in an assessment unit before we could even take her out for some fresh air. When she transferred to the nursing home she stayed in again for a long while in the hope she would settle. She never settled in either but she is much better when we take her out or bring her to our house. I think home probably means feeling safe with family rather than a physical place. So in my way of thinking maybe to ask your brother not to take her home is like saying to him make her forget you, be cruel to be kind. This may well settle someone but what does settled really mean.
With my own mum I fear she would settle if i did not visit her but i also fear she would switch off. When she no longer knows who I am i will reduce on "stimulating" her because we can still have good times. We both enjoy them while we can. Everyone is an individual, no dementia sufferer is the same. I am certainly not saying she should go home, just make sure your brother really is wrong first as he may well know her best .

 

[Mardge]

Thank you for your feedback

Thank you to everyone who has posted a reply, I have spoken to my brother to make it clear how I feel but he is adamant it is good for mum to get out and go home, she wasn't in a good mood when I spoke to her yesterday and said she wasn't enjoying herself. but had been singing and dancing along to a programme before I spoke to her, and after I finished the call.
It is difficult to decide what is best, before going in the home mum would get confused at home and constantly ask do I live here? I am convinced it isn't safe for her to be in her own home, as even with carers 3 times a day, a wander alert and my brother at home in the evening and during the night she had wandered into the street several times but neighbours had made sure she went back to the house and was safe.
Following a Social Services assessment it was recommended full time care would be beneficial but because mum is self funding they are no longer involved. My brother had been resistant to mum going in a home but the final decider came when she wandered up the road in her nightdress and following a search by the warden service was found by the police. Neither of us want mum to come to any harm but we do have very different opinions on the best way to achieve this.
I will speak to the manager at the home as suggested and see if they are seeing a distinct change following her trips home, speaking to the carers mum is up and down anyway throughout the week. I just want her to be settled and happy.

 

[Shash7677]

Having a chat with your brother has at least given him the heads up that you don't agree with mum going home. I'd imagine it was a difficult conversation to have but it's done now so good on you for doing it.

It's hard when you have someone that doesn't agree with the care home decision but at the end of the day your mums safety would have been at the centre of that decision and you'd hope your brother could see that but it seems not.

I would have a frank conversation with the home manager, as previously said they will tell you how your mum reacts when she goes back to the care home and it may be an idea to be at mums home when brother takes her back to see for yourself how she is. Your brother may be saying she is happy etc but she may not be. He may just be taking mum home once a week to appease his own feelings of guilt. Sorry that sounded quite cynical but people do strange things.

I hope everything goes well at the home when you speak to the manager. I'm not sure what they can do in the way of not letting your brother take mum home but if need be they could tell him that he isn't helping matters, that is, in fact if its not helping.

Take care
Sharon

 

[Lulabelle]

Hi Mardge
I, personally, think it is not a very good idea to take your mum back to her former home weekly but is it possible that your brother has not really thought about the possible implications of this?
If he lives in her 'home' is it that when he takes her out he just takes her to 'his' home?
Especially in the wintertime it might be hard for him to find places to take her so taking her back to his house for a cup of tea is probably the easiest thing to do.
It may be that, as she wasn't recognising it as her home prior to going to the CH, he may think that is still the case. Ergo, if she doesn't recognise his 'home' as her 'home' - where's the harm?
I think you are doing the right thing in asking the care home staff if these visits home seem to disturb her but, I think you are going to have a hard time convincing your brother that it is not a good idea even if the care home manager agrees with you.
Perhaps you could show him this thread but please don't fall out with him about it.
He, I am sure, would not dream of doing anything to upset your mother any more than you would but it may be that he has just not thought about this properly.
Anyway, good luck with it all.
Lulabelle

 

[Mardge]

Hi again,

I have spoken to the main care worker for mum this afternoon, mum has been enjoying her day today but has been kept active and has been singing and dancing in the home. She seems to think other than mum being tired at the end of her day out it isn't particularly doing her any harm.
I have so far tried to visit when nothing is happening at the home, thinking this would relieve mum's boredom but as I said I don't even get a chance to just sit and talk to her, she wants to be going out and isn't interested in anything else. It is still early days but I am certain she is getting more stimulation in her new home and think I will just have to 'tough out' the difficult visits in the hope she will eventually settle and we will see a bit more of the old reasonable mum.

 

[sadpuffin]

Hello, my experience of bringing mum home once or twice a week was a positive one and it seemed to do her good. We shared a home, you see and she became content after visits home started. It was a risk mind you when I first did it. Also her medication had altered so who knows what helped. Would never opinion on your case but just wanted you to know. x

 

[TinaT]

Perhaps you could suggest that a vist out of the care home once or twice each week is a very good idea but that using these visits to visit her old home are producing uneccessary suffering for mum and not helpful in settling her in her current care home.

I took my husband our of his care home several times a week to places such as a local supermarket with a cafe, a local garden centre which had a cafe, visiting the town centre shops or a local park when there were community activities organised etc., etc., These places proved to be very satisfactory for giving stimulous but at the same time not provoking reactions of wanting to go 'home'.

Hope this helps.

xxTinaT

 

[Navara]

Cruel though it may sound, our experience is that the less we visit our mother the more settled she is! And if we take her out and stick to neutral ground (cafe or round the shops) this proves a much less stressful experience than taking her to one of our homes which just seems to stir up feelings of loss. There's no way we would want to take her back to her former home as it would be like rubbing salt into her wounds.

 

[snoggy1one]

Just wanted to let you know my experience. I can completely understand your situation as my mother has never settled in her care home despite being there for over 12 months. She has always been a quiet, private person, and a home bird and loved her home more than anything so it was a massive change for her having to adjust to the restrictions of living in a care home. She does not like socialising and hates the lack of privacy and the restrictions of not being able to go out independently.

Our solution is to let mum have a regular change of scene and stimulation by taking her out for visits to garden centres, afternoon teas, shops and cafes to break up her week. We never take her back to her own home because in our case she would find it too emotional and then it would be more difficult for her settle back in the care home afterwards. We get by by planning our trips to return when its near to the evening meal time so that mum can be distracted by the other residents and carers. She is usually tired by then after our outing and glad of a rest and a hot cup of tea, so it is easier then to leave mum.

It is hard having to feel as though you have no real base to take your mum and having the restrictions of relying on having a cuppa in a cafe or tea room rather than her own familiar surroundings. By continuing with our routine, we are having less emotional outbursts from our mum as she is thinking about her own home less and less as she hasnt seen it for over a year now. Obviously, there are good and bad days, but, if your mum doesnt recognise a place then it can be more enjoyable and less emotional.
My social worker said always take your mum to a neutral place rather than a family home. I do not take her to my own home very often, apart from occasional family celebrations as I feel cruel showing her my own family existence whilst she cannot have a similar life.

I hope this helps a little bit and I wish you look and peace of mind. xx

 

[bad daughter]

Garden centres are a boon!

I agree with snoggy about taking Mum out. We live too far away for a visit to our home being feasible, and although she now claims she loved it and wants to go back there, she actually hated the house that she had moved to 18 months before being sectioned.

I find visiting Mum at the CH without any planned outing pretty difficult. I am likely to get cornered in her room with a long tale of woe. At least when going out for lunch etc there's a chance of breaking the cycle

The CH assure us (and I've no reason to disbelieve them) that Mum is active and chatty and "content". It appears to be just the family members who trigger an almost ritualistic chant of "I want to go home with a full-time carer". Whilst that's still an option, I agree with those who suggest that what's really being expressed is a longing for her old independent life back - the one thing noone can give her.

So the best we can do is little trips which give her a brief feeling of adventure and us a better option than being corralled in her room!