one disaster after another

[end of my rope]

the story to date
mum came to live with me (3 months) - didn't like it - wanted to return closer to home
mum moved to a care home (5 weeks)- didn't like it - wanted to have her own place
mum moved into her own place (9 days ago), private, warden controlled, sheltered - doesn't like it.
All the way through I have been there for her, spent last weekend cleaning, putting up curtains, putting together her bed, installing furniture, registering her with the doctor, sorting out groceries etc. etc.
Nothing is ever going to be right for her. She has had visitors every day but according to her she sees no-one.
Currently she says the central heating isn't working - it was working when I left but she has switched it off and had at least 3 people look at it... I have spoken to a heating engineer, he is coming out today and will pretend that he is doing the job as a favour because he remembers me from school and will send the bill to me. She sees pennies as if they were the size of cartwheels and every pound is a prisoner of war so this is a necessary deception (even though her pension is more than my income).
I really feel that I have run out of options - and my relationship with my daughter is suffering from the strain I am under. Mother has fallen out with just about everybody she has ever known, is a "phone-slammer-downer" when she doesn't get her own way and has a tendency to see the worst in everyone and every situation.
I am feeling very isolated today and could really live with some reassurances.

x

 

[Jaycee23]

I am sure you are going to find many people on this site empathising with you. My mum always wanted to be somewhere other than where she was. I felt sorry for the fact that all her so called friends turned their backs on her rather than face the fact that she was not herself anymore. I just hope that my friends have more substance if I should ever develop this disease. Her so called friends pass me in the street and avoid my eye rather than stop and ask how she is coping. I was told that I would never ever be able to make her happy giving her what she asked for as she could not or did not know herself. Its the illness.

 

[Moonflower]

I'm so sorry, it's really hard I know. I moved my mother to be near me partly because she was so unhappy and lonely - but to be honest she's just as unhappy now.

It's the illness, I've had to accept that while I can make sure she is safe and cared for, I can't make her happy. And harsh though it sounds, your mother will be unhappy no matter how many hoops you jump through for her - so do what is best for you and your daughter. Maybe focussing on your mother's needs rather than her wants will help.

 

[end of my rope]

thanks jaycee

I think I need a lot of ahh poor you messages today!

In defence of mum's former friends she has been incredibly rude and cruel to, and about, all of them, insulting them for the way they look, the way they speak, their children and/or their grandchildren, how dirty their homes are or else that they are obsessed because their houses are too clean and you'd be frightened to sit down...
She holds grudges going back fifty years or more, and can add fresh ones at a moment's notice but can't remember how to work the washing machine...

 

[end of my rope]

thanks moonflower

You've replied to me before - so thank you for getting back to me again.

I do feel responsible for her because she has no one else left - and although I know that this is the illness to some extent, she's been painting herself into the lonely corner for most of her life - Alzheimer's just seems to have made her more efficient/proficient in her least admirable traits.

I dread phoning her up, because I know that I am in for a 45 minute or longer harangue about how lousy everyone is and how dare I do this to her and what would my father think. Sometimes I just want to explode and tell her the truth about her mental state but I know that this is cruel and useless so I don't. She firmly believes that she is completely sane and tells me that I am losing grip on reality.

Grumblingly

x

 

[Isabella41]

Hi endofmyrope

Gosh your story sounds like a carbon copy of mine and your mum and mine do sound like they were honed out of the same piece of wood.

Mum has always been a difficult person and the illness has only made things worse. Like your mum she has to get her own way and is prone to histronics to add effect to get her own way. She's always done this and my late father gave in with out a struggle as it was just easier for him.

Mum also says she lonely and sees no one depsite her neighbour practically living with her.

I moved mum in January 2012 to be close to me as she was not managing in her old place. It was 90 mins from me and there was no family nearby to help. She hated the flat I got her even though it was she who picked it! She ended up in a care home then another care home then a different sheltered housing flat then sectioned - back to her flat - in and out of the care home.

I've now come to a point of acceptance that its the dementia talking and that the happiness mum is seeking just does not exist. For your own sanity do not move her again. She's not going to be any happier if you do.

My relationship with my daughters is gone completely as mum told them such horrid lies and they beleived her. My husband put up with a lot too.

When mum is in her flat she thinks she might be happier in the care home so a 2 week break is arranged. She's only there a short time when she thinks she'd be happier in her flat but is persuaded to stay for a couple of weeks to get fed properly and looked after for a bit. We know this cycle will continue until she deteriorates to such a level that she will no longer be in a position to make these choices.

With regards to the heating you could take the caps of the ends of the radiators to stop her turning them off. Is it not the responsibility of the sheltered housing mangement to look after the heating? Its all covered in the block mum lives in.

Don't beat yourself up anymore. You've done more than alot of people would. Draw a line now and decide no more moves.

Isabella

 

[starryuk]

Hi,
This sounds awful. No wonder you are at the end of your tether.
As I am rather at the beginning of looking after my mum, I am not nearly as knowledgeable or experienced as others on here...

But, this is what I have discovered with my mum. For the last couple of years, before her condition became very obvious to everyone, I was running around, pandering to her every whim. My mum would suddenly decide she wanted a new TV, a new computer, a hair piece, new sofas, new hearing aids, new car, clothes etc etc. All of these were virtually unused thereafter.

Mum is much more confused now and I have learned that these wishes are fleeting. Shoes today, handbags tomorrow. Drives me crazy, but I ignore when I think it best.

How much worse for you when you are constantly trying to find the perfect home for your mother. Moving someone once is stressful, but three times? I think there comes a time when we have to switch to doing what we know our mums need and not necessarily what they may think, at the moment, they want.

I think, from what I read on here, that dementia sufferers (I am presuming this is your mum's condition) are often trying to find a happier place 'in their minds' when they constantly want to move somewhere else physically. But as I say, I am quite new to all this.

If it were me, and I thought my mum's flat was suitable, then I would hang in there. Give it time. Say you are looking for somewhere if you have to... well, that's what I would do, but of course you know your mum best.

Reassurance? Well, you have tried your best and gone to great lengths to find somewhere your mum likes. I think you have done an amazing job thus far. Perhaps time to step back, give yourself a breather and re-assess what is going on. So difficult and sad sometimes to accept that our mum's may no longer be the strong ones, always right, isn't it?

Please keep posting, if only to let off steam, let us know how you continue this battle

Best wishes
Angela

 

[tomkitten16]

hi I feel the same about our mum-she couldn't be at home because of dementia and she is now in a CH- She hates it and cries constantly wanting to go home.My sister said mumwouldn't be happy in buckingham palace because she is not happy in her self or her mind anymore.We strive to make our mums happy but because of the illness -it is impossible.Also mums so called friends, seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth too.

 

[end of my rope]

Thank you all

You're all right of course - nowhere will suit her and the phrase make the most of it is not in her vocabulary...!

I think the best thing is to let her stay where she is, get the heating sorted out and if possible make sure that she doesn't meddle with it or let anyone else meddle with it either.
I have a rota of people dropping in on her, some paid and some doing it for the sake of my father (RIP) most of whom get treated to an outburst of rudeness and nastiness for their troubles.

Very bad humour coming up: the bad smell in the flat (which she complains of constantly) is it seems coming from her - she says it is worse when she uses the loo!
However she refuses to have a bath and claims to have a good wash down every day (the dirty protest has been going on for a while - I used to run her a bath see her go into the bathroom wait outside to make sure she was ok and I swear she NEVER entered the water).

Harrumph!

 

[2jays]

Ooooh such a difficult time. Trying to do the right thing for your mum when she hates everything you go out of your way to make right.

I remember those days all too painfully.

Easy typed hard to do.... Try to ignore to some degree what is upsetting your mum. In my opinion, she wants to keep changing where she lives, because in her mind, if she moves, what's happening to her will get better, but when she moves, it becomes more difficult for her. She is trying to find the old her, the one before this disease started to take hold of her.

Sadly as you are finding out she never will be able to. So long as she is warm, as safe as she can be during this time, you should not get too involved. You know her home now is clean, furnished, has food available , and she has good company - despite what she says then there is no need to do any more for her other than visit to keep an eye on her and be aware of when her needs increase. Sadly you can't make her world better, you can only do your best and don't feel you have to do more or take on more responsibility for her well being. Easy typed hard to do

Thinking of you

 

[at wits end]

Put your foot down, separate yourself emotionally and learn to say 'yes i'll look into that....'

My gran is just the same, never happy, had me running round in circles last year whilst she thought she'd like to go into a CH then hated everyone I mentioned or visited. Is now in the best CH money can buy and is still unhappy. NO one visits, no one talks to her, she's quite capable of living alone...and so it goes on.

Just remind yourself how you got to this point and then learn to harden your heart a little i'm afraid. I know my gran is actually far happier there than she ever was at home, she just cant admit it. In the odd occasion she remembers something that happened at the home she is always animated and laughing about it, then she realises what she is doing and the barriers come down again.

I dont know if it's the disease or just her personality but she will never change.

 

[end of my rope]

I dont know if it's the disease or just her personality but she will never change.

I think you hit the nail on the head there - I hear stories of sweet little old ladies but my mother could never have been accused of being sweet...!
How I got to this position?
Deep breath and try to believe me
Every single relationship or friendship I have ever had my mother has taken a wrecking ball to - very smart, very subtle, very clever hints and jibes about the person, reports of things that happened (which always occurred when I wasn't there), warnings that boyfriends were only after me for my money (what money?), that they had said things about me behind my back, that they weren't to be trusted and so on. For a long time I believed her because she was my mother and she wouldn't lie to me would she? I saw my father break down in tears at my wedding at my mother's behaviour: my father had been glad that I had met someone who wanted to be with and take care of me and my daughter; my mother took offence at someone asking Dad what line of work he'd been in and kicked off into a big rage. Needless to say my marriage didn't last.
When she lived with me she reported stories of things that my daughter had done wrong - bad attitude, rudeness, insolence, you name it. Always happened when I wasn't there. I used to send my daughter to her room, go upstairs to give her "a good talking to" (which involved asking her for her side of the story, working out where the truth lay and generally telling my daughter to go downstairs and just say sorry explaining that it was the easiest way through with granny).

So that's how I got to being in the position of sole person on the planet who gives a monkey's about my mother. Because everyone else is pretty much fed up with her behaviour from years ago, never mind when the suspected alzheimer's gave a kind of patina of acceptability for her conduct.

And you are right that I have to create distance because however much the disease is destroying her memory and reasoning faculties it is strengthening her bitterness and her cruelty to others.

There I have said it now, and I feel better for being honest - I do all that I can for my mother but it will never be enough for her for as long as I have anything or anyone in my life other than her.

 

[2jays]

I think you hit the nail on the head there - I hear stories of sweet little old ladies but my mother could never have been accused of being sweet...!
How I got to this position?
Deep breath and try to believe me
Every single relationship or friendship I have ever had my mother has taken a wrecking ball to - very smart, very subtle, very clever hints and jibes about the person, reports of things that happened (which always occurred when I wasn't there), warnings that boyfriends were only after me for my money (what money?), that they had said things about me behind my back, that they weren't to be trusted and so on. For a long time I believed her because she was my mother and she wouldn't lie to me would she? I saw my father break down in tears at my wedding at my mother's behaviour: my father had been glad that I had met someone who wanted to be with and take care of me and my daughter; my mother took offence at someone asking Dad what line of work he'd been in and kicked off into a big rage. Needless to say my marriage didn't last.
When she lived with me she reported stories of things that my daughter had done wrong - bad attitude, rudeness, insolence, you name it. Always happened when I wasn't there. I used to send my daughter to her room, go upstairs to give her "a good talking to" (which involved asking her for her side of the story, working out where the truth lay and generally telling my daughter to go downstairs and just say sorry explaining that it was the easiest way through with granny).

So that's how I got to being in the position of sole person on the planet who gives a monkey's about my mother. Because everyone else is pretty much fed up with her behaviour from years ago, never mind when the suspected alzheimer's gave a kind of patina of acceptability for her conduct.

And you are right that I have to create distance because however much the disease is destroying her memory and reasoning faculties it is strengthening her bitterness and her cruelty to others.

There I have said it now, and I feel better for being honest - I do all that I can for my mother but it will never be enough for her for as long as I have anything or anyone in my life other than her.

You could almost have been writing my biography.

I ask you the question I have been asked

Why do you still put yourself forward to be continually knocked down? Do you think that maybe mum will tell you that she is proud of you and your decisions about your life?

If that is a biography about me.... It will only happen after a few years of painful caring for your mum, but by that time, she isn't the mum you had as a child, she is a "new mum" who is more compassionate and loving. It still make my heart go warm when my mum tells me she loves me, and is proud of me, but it isn't the old mum that tells me this, it's my "different, new" mum.

I have had carers breakdown, trying to look after my mum. I didn't look after me - because I always strived for that approval from my mum, which she couldn't give me when she was more aware.

Look after yourself. How much would you put up with if this person, your mum, was an elderly next door neighbour? If you are like me, you would care, help as much as you can, but step back when you had done as much as you could for them.

Emotions are very strong, they can stop you looking at the fuller picture.

Look after yourself. Then you will be able to continue looking after mum

Thinking of you

 

[garnuft]

Totally of topic end of rope but you write beautifully. A pleasure to read...the content is painful but your crafting of words is delightful.

I agree with the others, don't move your Mum again and I hope you find a way to disentangle yourself.
You've been very patient with her.

 

[at wits end]

I know exactly where you are coming from end of my rope.

My grans son visits but other than that wants nothing to do with her and says she has always been manipulative and demanding. So I have ended up the main carer.

I always got on very well with my own mum, I would say she was my best friend, but she passed from cancer several years back. When I had MY daughter i suffered bad post natal depression and my daughter was not an easy baby. I was desperate for family support but my own mother vanished from my life for several weeks. I didnt understand why. Later I found out my gran had 'recommended she give me some space'. Space? I didnt need space! I needed some real help! I have not forgiven my gran for that.

Gran is constantly baiting those around her, I just wish i'd seen it more clearly before I sacrificed my life on the caring altar.

Now I know she is safe and warm in her lovely CH. I have no doubt had she still been at home she would be dead by now. She's 99 and was losing weight rapidly. Now she has gained weight and everyone tells me what an appetite she's got! Apparently she'd have preferred to stay home and die......

NO pleasing some people!

 

[DozyDoris]

Three Mothers one Mould.....

I too have a Mum, who I love dearly, but sounds very much the same. She has never been easy. It is my Dad with AD but Mum has become so unreasonable and has no idea of the effect she is having on my poor Dad.
We all live in a bungalow we found to be able to take care of them both in. It is lovely and would be perfect.
Reading your post has made me wonder if my Mum is now in the early stages of dementia of some sort.
My Dad can hardly walk now and the carer who comes in the evening documented she had put him to bed. He had a fall in the corridor (not bad thank god). Mum told me the carer had not had time to put him to bed. My BF was away and so I rang my friend so her husband could call round and help me lift him. Mum hates my friend so went mental and refused to have him in the house, I had to send him away , and call for an ambulance. In the meantime Mum had pressed her assistance pendant and got them to call the ambulance. My poor Dad spent 45mins on the floor when he need not have done.
Not only that but she uses a wheeled trolley and was climbing over the top of Dad to get past him complete with trolley
She banned one of his carers, getting her friend to call the care company saying Dad didn't want her in the house any more. This was last week on the day of a dear colleagues funeral, great timing Mum.
Our relationship is destroyed, as I type she is in hospital having had a mastectomy as she has breast cancer (she's 81!), I am so saddened that I can not feel close to her at such an awful time. I could write a novel there's so much going on in my life. I don't want her to live with us any more, it's not fair on any of us, especially my Dad. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I can totally empathize with you xx

 

[Jaycee23]

I think I need a lot of ahh poor you messages today!

In defence of mum's former friends she has been incredibly rude and cruel to, and about, all of them, insulting them for the way they look, the way they speak, their children and/or their grandchildren, how dirty their homes are or else that they are obsessed because their houses are too clean and you'd be frightened to sit down...
She holds grudges going back fifty years or more, and can add fresh ones at a moment's notice but can't remember how to work the washing machine...

Come to think of it my mum is the same and manages to talk about people behind their backs calling them snobs and think they are it etc. She had fallen out with some distant relatives I had taken her to visit and she had forgotten she had fallen out with them or they her! I just ignore her gossips saying they would be shocked if they knew what she was saying about them and hurt. She sometimes takes in what I have said. I think also the memory loss does not give them the tools to make good conversation so they just cuss.

 

[SueShell]

2Jays sounds exactly like the relationship I've always had with my Mother. Good to see other people on here do not necessarily have a good relationship with the person they are caring for. I was beginning to think it was only a couple of us. Reason I'm single, my Mother's constant interferrence with every boyfriend Ive had, my Mum's controlling personality and she's still controlling me now even with her AD. My OH of 22years has seen my Mum 3 times in all that time, and for very good reason!! Sounds awful, but once she's passed from this life, I'll be able to do what I like, when I like, wear what I like, see who I like and go where I like for the first time in my life. Trouble is I'll probably be in my late 60s/early 70s if she hasn't finished me off first with stress and anxiety, the Autumn of your life isn't the best time to suddenly realise the shackles have at last been removed! Sue