Spouse

[Worriedsick]

My spouse has shown signs of possible dementia for over a year now.
It was my daughter in Australia who drew my attention to this while we were on a visit over a year ago.
It took a lot of persuasion to get her to visit her GP who arranged for a meeting with a psychiatrist.
We both attended and had a discussion with him together.
He asked me to point out some things my wife had done to make me worry about her.
After this he asked me to leave the room while he gave my wife some tests.
When she came out, naturally I asked her how she got on, to which she replied that she had failed a part of the test.

After this she wouldn't let me raise the subject.

I had been on the internet reading about dementia and read about drugs that could slow down the advancement but not cure the condition and I explained this to her.

It wasn't till she went out for an errand a few weeks later and had been gone for so long that she informed me that she had been to see a psychiatrist but refused to let me accompany her and refused to discuss it with me.

Gradually she began to be very difficult towards me and I felt she resented me in some way despite not drawing her attention to her memory lapses, like putting things in unusual places, forgetting to prepare meals, and indeed one day when we had been shopping she began to prepare lunch and put two individual pies in the oven.
She called me to tell me lunch was ready and when I went in to the dinette there was a plate of cold meat with pasta on the table!
I could still hear the oven was on and I asked about the pies to which she became aggressive when she realized what she had done.

Many more examples of her memory loss and asking the same questions over and over began to frustrate us both to such an extent I sought help from our GP.

When I visited the surgery and inquired about what stage the visits to the psychiatrist had reached I was shocked to be told that my wife had given strict instructions that I was not to be given any information about her.
This hurt me deeply.

I know that doctors are obliged to observe patients privacy but this situation is affecting my health too as we are drifting apart.

I have taken over many household duties because my wife forgets to do them.
One week she agrees to this then the next she resents it and gets aggressive again.

2 months ago she told my son she had been for a final scan but she says she hasn't had the results of this yet.
I wonder if she is keeping things from me.

I feel I have nobody to turn to and all my GP suggests is he give me some pills to help me.
I refused these as I am taking so many pills for many illnesses (I'm disabled).

Where do I turn to now?

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello,
I am so sorry as this seems an exceptionally difficult phase for you to handle.
Depending on the level of dementia, is there any chance your wife would respond to a ‘let have a serious talk about your problems’ sort of approach. Then you can tell her how you realise she is having difficulties and how much you want to support – BUT emphasise you can only do this if she confides in you about her appointments and the results.

In a relatively mid stage of my husband’s dementia he accused me of having an affair because I went off for a day to see our new born grandson. This accusation came after spending some time showing him and our friend photographs of the newly born. I reacted firmly and with some annoyance showing I was deeply upset. From there on through memory problems,increasing confusion and frustration it was never repeated.

If this is not possible could you work through your son, accepting that this phase may not last and at least you could get the information you need through him. It is upsetting but sometimes it is easier to find ways to work around the problem.

Others may come along soon to give their thoughts. Keep in touch and let us know how things go.
Best wishes

 

[loveahug]

I can't begin to imagine how deeply painful this is for you. Reading between the lines I wonder if your wife is trying to protect you. You mentioned you are disabled and she must have a deep sub-conscious wish to 'look after' you. Maybe she's behaving this way to try and drive you out of her increasingly confusing life, she doesn't want you to be her carer? She must be very afraid.

If you can bear with this stage, as the dementia deepens you may find that she relies on you so much that her resentment of your caring fades. Will you be able to care for her as she becomes more dependent? You are entitled to claim attendance allowance for her and also ask SS for a carers assessment to see if there is any help you need in caring for her. Could you ask for this to be done when she is not present? If she kicks off about not needing any help, tell her the help is for you, not her.

There will be many more helpful suggestions than mine, I'm sure, so please disregard this if you feel it's unhelpful.

Best wishes

Hugs

 

[Badietta]

Hi there

I read your post a few hours ago and have been thinking about it ever since. I have no idea whether I am right or wrong, but this is what I have come up with ...

Your wife loves you So very much, and has always seen herself as the strong one, looking after you given your own ill-health. Now her own health is failing, and she knows this and gets angry with herself when it becomes obvious. Because she doesn't want to worry you, she has told the GP not to tell you anything about her problems which, of course, worries you more. What I am not sure about is how to break into this cycle. However, you almost certainly do because you know your wife better than anyone else. She is probably so frightened of letting you down and, somehow, it's about letting her know that, whilst you may be disabled, you can and are coping with life in general; you are still enormously in love with her, as she is with you, and that you can manage life perfectly well on your own, albeit you would prefer not to. Maybe just tell her this. I don't know whether it would work or not, but maybe it's worth a try.

Keep positive regardless

 

[Just thinking]

Hello and Welcome

I think that your wife may be feeling very frightened and unsure of anything at the moment. It's possible she's trying to work out 'who' you are before revealing anything. I remember my Mum being this way - sometimes she'd let me help and other times she wouldn't. I just went with the flow. I caught her looking at me on more than one occasion and with hind-sight, I now realise she wasn't sure who I was or if she did, she didn't know the relationship.
This DID pass and she came to look on me as someone who represented safety and security and I was then able to do more 'everyday' things for her. There was never a question about me knowing her medical status as I was the one who took her, however, before she was diagnosed (when I felt she needed to see a Dr) there's no way I could have insisted without causing trouble between us.
So, give her time and do as you've been doing. Help when she'll let you and not when she won't....things that can't be left, do on the QT. Situ's like the oven just quietly sort it and say nothing to draw attention to her 'mistakes' so that she doesn't feel silly or stupid then hopefully, she won't feel embarassed or get angry.
Hopefully the scan results will come through soon and if it's your son that hears them first, try not to feel hurt as she doesn't mean it.

Sending hugs to you.

 

[Worriedsick]

Thank you all for your help and advice.
My wife still insists that she has had no reply from doctor re her scan.
As the doctor has told me he can't discuss this with me, all I can do is carry on as best I can.

 

[nicoise]

Hello Worriedsick,

As things stand, the best thing you can do is carry on as best you can, as you say.

Just make sure to look after yourself as much as you can, if you need help then go back to the GP if that might be of use, and stay here on TP too if this might help support you in some way.

We all muddle along in some way or another with our individual stories, but at least here you have a listening ear from someone who understands.

Best wishes xxx