Soon to be with the angels

[Daddy's..girl]

Dear Readers,

I use this post like many others visiting the website for advice, support and of course in the hope that maybe I can help others who suffer similar circumstances. As a daddy's girls I can confirm that my knowledge of all sports and DIY comes as a surprise to many as a 'girl'. The truth is I spent much of my child hood by my dads side helping him around the house, from re-wiring plugs to pouring his beer in preparation for a big football game on the tv. I went to many football matches with my dad and would join him in whatever he was doing - including cleaning cars and visiting the local tip. My boyfriend can confirm that I didn't pick up any skills in cookery and cleaning although my mum was truly amazing at just generally being a mum.

My dad was diagnosed at the age of about 55 with dementia even though his illness didn't display many of the normal signs. His memory was good but he became a very frightened man, frightened of failing on day to day life. He went into respite at about 60-61 years and never came home. This really was the best and safest place for him to be.

He is now 65 years old and I feel the end is close. All that is left of a man I admire, look up to and miss unbelievably is a frail, weightless shell. He is now having problems eating and is not mobile.

I just wanted to share that during the past 6 months i have not been wanting to visit my dad, scared that i will forget the man that brought me up and avoiding the pain that the visits bring. Whilst many have supported my reasons to not want to see my father in his current situation some have said that I should be visiting and strongly disagree. Until the last two weeks I hadn't seen my dad since November. It was my choice and although I wanted to visit for my mums support with her, I didn't feel that it was what I personally wanted to do.

I have as mentioned above i have now seen my dad (the past two weekends) and I do feel glad that I have been able to look into his eyes and mentally transmit my thoughts that he is my biggest hero and that I will meet him with the angels. Now we wait...again for the final stage. I just wish I could of set him free from dementia some years ago..

Please take this message as: don't let others decide, manipulate you into thinking that choosing not to visit is the wrong thing. Each of us are all individuals and I truly believe my father would not want me to visit and suffer the pain seeing him now so very poorly. I'm glad I visited but wouldn't regret it if I hadn't. It's something very personal and no other individual can tell you what's right and wrong...

He will soon be with the angels in peace, where he belongs. When this day comes I will find the strength to focus on this.. Xxxx

 

[Bristolbelle]

So nice....

to hear all your genuine love and admiration for both parents in your post. I was different form you I looked after Mum then visited almost every day sometimes two or three times. It was right for me. But I do regret the fact I can not remember her as the wonderful energetic, thoughtful person she was with a hand that would turn to anything and an infectious smile and kindness. So green fingered we used to joke if she left the trowel in the ground it would take root. I remember a person who had those attributes, and I know she was my Mum. But when I remember my Mum I see the lost look, the frailty, and vulnerability the person who needed turning in bed etc. I don't regret caring for her but I do envy your almost unspoilt memories of your Dad - treasure them forever, and let them strengthen you in the journey ahead.

 

[hollycat]

A warm welcome.

What a genuine and heart-warming post. Thanks for sharing.

I think I understand exactly what you are saying as I felt exactly the same way about my dad (we lost him to alzheimers in 2000).

Sadly, my mother is so stubborn, the lasting memory of my dad has turned into a bit of a horror story for my hubby, daughter and I. We were "forced" by mum to visit my dad at the chapel of rest; I have never forgiven my mum for "forcing" the visit.

For whatever reason, I wanted to remember my dad pre-alzheimers but mum just didn't understand that.

You sound to have had a fantastic life with your dad, as I did too. To this day, I still occasionally order a half pint of my dads favourite beer in our local and raise a glass in his memory. I HATE the taste of the beer but love sharing my dads memories with those locals who know I hate beer.

Wishing you strength for the future and promise to think about you next time I raise a half !

 

[Daddy's..girl]

Thank you for your kind words..

The difficulty I experience today is...when..how long..what next..

Seems life is on hold until the inevitable happens

Thank you for sharing your experiences x

 

[rajahh]

DearDaddy's girl

I thank you for your honest post.

I vivisted my mother when she was in care and used to sir crying the whole time.
Imust say it was a long time ago. I now do not have those memories of her unless I really concentrate. I have happy memories of laughter, of love and of " tellings off".

I am in a similar position of you no0w in regards to my husband, not about the visiting ornot as he is still at home, but in the waiting , the questions, when, how long, how....

My husband has terminal prostate cancer and alzheimers.

I said to the macmillan nurse the other day when we had had a long discussion and got things organised. It is a bit like waiting for a bus, we are at the bus stop ........

I personally do not feel I shall retain the illness memories forlong, My husband swept me off my feet into a secondmarriage and I have so many wonderful memories of him. I can take my mind back immediately and see him as he was. I do look on this man I care for as " someone else".

I wish you peace, and pray that the happy memories will be strong.

Jeannette

 

[kymdav]

oh how i understand.....

Thank you for your kind words..

The difficulty I experience today is...when..how long..what next..

Seems life is on hold until the inevitable happens

Thank you for sharing your experiences x

I am new to this forum & am finding reading all these peoples comments & experiences very helpful.I so understand how you felt about not wanting to visit as the memories would stay with you.I am in a similar position with my mum.I get a queasy feeling in my tummy when I am on the way to visit her.She has deteriorated so fast each day brings new challenges with her.I pray for her to be released as its the one thing she says that makes sense, just let me go....
Thank you for helping me realise i am not alone with my feelings of dread

 

[tarababe]

Thank you for this thread and I know how you feel. In a way I also dislike visiting my mum in the care home. We moved her in for her safety as late as we could to keep her at home and it's been down hill from there. A fall and broken hip and arm, doped up on medication for the pain and every time we or should I say "I" go in, she says :Thank god your here" ...."Please take me home" it breaks my heart and also annoys me at the same time. We are damned if we do and damed if we don't. She doesn't actually know she is in a home but it just seems to be getting worse each time I go in. I also sometimes think "Please God, just relieve her of this awful illness" but then I don't want to loose her either. Worse is the guilt and dare I say too, the lasting memoery I will have of her when her time comes.

 

[kymdav]

Seems like we are of the same mind, how tragic & cruel life can be that we actually want the end to come for our relatives.
To watch these previously vibrant, independant people reduced to a mere shell is the hardest thing to witness.
My mother asks me to take her home every time i see her, it breaks my heart

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Dear Daddys Girl, your message has so moved me and brought me to tears as I can empathise so much - my Mum was my very best and closest friend ever.

I didn't want to go to visit either but did not have the courage to stay away. Honestly just don't know what is harder to do.

Whatever the future holds and whenever I need her advice, I will know what she would have said before this horror took hold, and even though it may be not what I want to do I will know she is right.

Trying to stop and disguise the crying/leaking eyes as my husband does not understand that it actually helps relieve the all encompassing sadness.

Taking Mum out for lunch at my daughter's tomorrow - the first time since admission to the CH on 16 Jan....

Take care you x

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi Jeanette, although I have not been a member here for very long I have noticed and taken in your story. You are dealing with so much yet are always so kind and understanding to others - your love for your husband shines through x

DearDaddy's girl

I thank you for your honest post.

I vivisted my mother when she was in care and used to sir crying the whole time.
Imust say it was a long time ago. I now do not have those memories of her unless I really concentrate. I have happy memories of laughter, of love and of " tellings off".

I am in a similar position of you no0w in regards to my husband, not about the visiting ornot as he is still at home, but in the waiting , the questions, when, how long, how....

My husband has terminal prostate cancer and alzheimers.

I said to the macmillan nurse the other day when we had had a long discussion and got things organised. It is a bit like waiting for a bus, we are at the bus stop ........

I personally do not feel I shall retain the illness memories forlong, My husband swept me off my feet into a secondmarriage and I have so many wonderful memories of him. I can take my mind back immediately and see him as he was. I do look on this man I care for as " someone else".

I wish you peace, and pray that the happy memories will be strong.

Jeannette