Closing the circle

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,849
0
55
Wigan, Lancs
Kathy, I'm sorry to hear about Philip.

it really seems easier now to cast the memory back beyond the illness and picture him as he was. For my son, too, I think.

I'm glad to read this. I had the same experience after my dad died, and I was able to put the years of dementia (which had taken over all our lives) into perspective.
 

hazytron

Registered User
Apr 4, 2008
1,166
0
SOUTH LAKES
My thoughts are with you and your son as you come to terms with the loss of Philip.
The way you have written this post, together with the attached images, to me, represents peace, beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.
Hazel
 

Glenisla4

Registered User
Aug 21, 2012
59
0
I am so sorry to hear your news, my thoughts are with you and your son. My mum too died last week and I am really working to remember her before dementia, it is getting stronger everyday. The dementia was not her, the happy memories were, it is a comfort really that those years of struggle for me and for her are over, she has left a close family, sad now but moving forward, she would have been proud as I am sure your husband would have been.
Look after yourself xx
 

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
1,879
0
Nr Mold
Dear Kathy

I am so sorry and send you sympathy and a hug. Thank you for letting us know, and time to care for yourself now.
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Thank you all for your kind thoughts

I had a conversation with my niece (who is older than me) today. It's nice to find that contact again, however sad the occasion. She has memories of Philip from before I even met him. She can fill some gaps.
There has been such a total lack of contact from his side of the family (sorry if this sounds sexist, but it normally is the women who keep this up, but both his sisters died in their sixties, and family contact died with them). Maybe, this sad occasion of the youngest brother dying first can bring back some of it. I'm looking forward to meeting my "nieces" who I really feel are my cousins.

Lots of love - Kathy
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Kathy,

It would be wonderful if a connection with Philip's family were to be strengthened. How they would benefit from getting to know you:) How you would feel the strength and comfort that can come from a sense of belonging.

It is so nice to receive your update.

Sending love and a (HUG)
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
lovely to read your post, thank you. I hope that you do get some further contact with Philip's family.
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Hi all

Yesterday I sent an e-mail to my step-son (the one in Guernsey) to ask if he wanted to contribute any loving memories/anecdotes to the service (which, unfortunately, he won't be able to attend, as he is in China on a business trip). Today I had my meeting with the "celebrant" (a new word for me) who will conduct the service. We talked about Philip's life, his achievements, his likes etc. Tonight I received a reply from step-son, and it made me realise that all I'd given this morning was the magnetic string on which to hang photos, but no pictures. A.'s e-mail was beautiful and quoted some really detailed memories, which in turn helped me see those pictures again. I've now forwarded these mental pictures (his and mine) to be woven into the frame and asked other relatives to contribute if they can/wish. I now feel confident that we will have a beautiful service, celebrating Philip's life before the illness.

Thank you all for your support. My brain feels a bit mushy at the moment but, from all the previous replies, I gather that most of my symptoms are quite normal and might even ease with time.

Lots of love - Kathy
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
A.'s e-mail was beautiful and quoted some really detailed memories, which in turn helped me see those pictures again. I've now forwarded these mental pictures (his and mine) to be woven into the frame and asked other relatives to contribute if they can/wish. I now feel confident that we will have a beautiful service, celebrating Philip's life before the illness.

Not only was A's email beautiful Kathy, your quote above is beautifully put. I am so pleased for you to have received these memories which you can picture:) I do hope the final service for Philip is a wonderful celebration of the person he was as well as saying goodbye to him as a man who developed a devastating illness.

I will look forward to you letting us know how it all goes.

Love
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Thank you Helen.

I think you're a truly amazing woman. You're going through all that illness and treatment yourself, but you spend so much energy on and provide an incredible amount of support to members on TP.
Code:
for we are all such a bunch of givers.....
to quote Big Effort. So true. TP has taught me/given me permission to accept support in extreme circumstances and it feels good to know that there is this safe harbour of support. I think I've seen a similar movement in you since I joined, although you still seem to have a lot more give in you than I have. Make sure you keep some of that strength for yourself.

Today I experienced a bit more of the rollercoaster. After those glimpses yesterday of Philip as he used to be before the illness and feeling quite calm, I had a restless night with lots of horrible dreams involving dementia. I got up feeling quite low and disturbed. It made me realise yet again that this was not going to be a smooth passage from disturbed to gradually more peaceful, but another rollercoaster with hopefully decreasing waves as time goes on. I went to work and eventually let the numbers numb my mind. Never underestimate accountancy :rolleyes: for its numbing effect.

As Philip had played the sax and oboe in his younger years, and loved music right to the end, we decided that for the service we'd have one piece of jazz sax, one piece of classical oboe, and a final piece of Cat Stevens (generation-spanning family memories). My son did the searching and came up with the perfect choices. I hope that by listening to them tonight, I managed to get all the crying out of the way so that the mourners can hear it on the day.

Special love and thanks to you Helen, and love to you all for your support- Kathy

I noticed that the Music Lovers Group thread seems to have died. If anyone is interested, I'd be happy to post some links.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Aaaah thank you Kathy. I often feel sorry that I don't give enough time to people on Talking Point but I have to make do with doing what I can.

Although you experienced the nightmare of the dementia years last night, you also experienced the healthy part of Philip and had the daydream of those earlier times. This is a blessing. Some people struggle hard and long to be able to retrieve the good times if they ever do. It is a good start Kathy.

I remember making a conscious decision not to ever dwell on how Alan was in his last hours. It was so horrifying and shocking and everything that I fought not to happen:eek: I realised that the image and experience of it could have an enormous impact and I decided there and then that I would not give it any further thought. Every time the memory came I consciously replaced it with another, better image. I don't know how I can do this kind of thing but I just can and I am glad. One can't do much about dreams though but the daydreams can, for some, be a matter of choice.

I used to love Cat Stevens:) Brings back such good memories of such good days:) I am sure the service will be a wonderful tribute of who Philip was.

Sending love and a (HUG)
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Dear friends

We said goodbye to Philip last week and, just as Helen said, it was a wonderful celebration of his life. The service was beautiful, the music was perfect, and the empathy amongst the mourners was heart-warming.

Because we had so little or no contact with his family for the last 20 years it was, in the first place, touching to see so many of his nieces come to say goodbye. Despite the long gap, there were hugs all around. None of them had met Philip since his illness, so they all had lovely memories of him as a young, energetic and interesting man: the uncle whom they bumped into in discos once he was divorced and they’d grown into young adults, the uncle who’d been a musician, had been abroad, in short, the one who made them feel that it was ok not to be totally conventional. Just what my son and I needed to hear. My son had never met any of them, but he felt comfortable with them and thought they were “a lovely bunch”. So now he feels a bit more connected to his family in England, even though his cousins are more my generation than his, and his uncles are more like granddads. It made me feel a bit sad that Philip hadn’t felt able to enjoy this “lovely bunch” for the last 20 years, but there goes the baggage, that’s another chapter. He is at peace now.

Two of the nieces, from a branch of the family who had moved “up north”, came all the way from Newcastle. They are planning to come down again in August, and we’re hoping to organise a get-together in less sad circumstances. Isn’t that nice?

During the time when Philip was in the NH, I already had the chance to start and pick up my life again. I will now treasure the memory of Philip, but move on along that path. After a break of 40 years, I bought myself a piano last summer and I’m taking lessons. For the first time after nearly as many years, I went to the Cambridge Folk Festival, and I really felt alive! I had a moment, when the memory of Philip and I going in the first year we met, overwhelmed me, but I had my friend to hug, and the music to listen and dance to. Also last summer, I went for a walk in a meadow where I saw my first ever wild orchids (see picture). That’s the sort of thing I call living. No plans for a world cruise just yet. Just little pleasures will do me.

Thank you all for your friendship, and I wish you lots of strength for whatever stage on the journey you are at

Love - Kathy
 

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creativesarah

Registered User
Apr 22, 2010
9,638
0
Upton Northamptonshire
Bless you Cathy you write so well that I felt i had been beside you

I'm glad you are seeing life in the small things I am the sort of person who sees the small detail but misses the big picture!

Both types of people are equally as valuable

I love the photos Much support

Sarah
 

ziggy100

Registered User
Feb 6, 2013
20
0
Hi

just wanted to send my condolences and big hugs during this time. It was very
heartening to read your post as we have just started on this journey and it gives us hope that ours will end as peacefully as yours did.

with love and admiration

Ziggy100 xxx
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Thank you Sarah. You sound a bit like a fanclub of my writing:rolleyes:

Well, I confess to being the fanclub of your photography. I've looked at hundreds of them on your Facebook page. So many fantastic pictures. They've also been a part of my little pleasures.

Love - Kathy
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Hi Kathy,

I must admit that your post captured me too. It feels as if you are being really open and truly sharing a part of yourself.

It really is nice that you might be meeting up later in the year with the nieces. This time you will all be meeting because you 'choose to' rather than because of 'circumstance'. It is very different.

I loved reading about you enjoying the Cambridge folk festival and feeling alive. You have come a long way since Yorkshire;) It is wonderful to know that you are enjoying life's little pleasures which may be simple but so beautiful and wonderful:)

Thank you for sharing a part of your journey with us Kathy:)

Love
 

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