Hi. This is my first post so apologies if got it in the wrong place. My wife's aged aunt has just been diagnosed with early onset dementia and before Christmas moved from sheltered accommodation into a residential home. Over the last two months when talking to her we've noticed she is increasingly living in a different world. She describes events in great detail which include some real places and people but mixed up with places and events we know were not part of the event. Up to now we've talked over the events with her to try and get her to remember more accurately. Yesterday though when we did this it clearly upset her to discover what she thought was real was not real. We don't want to cause her distress so wonder now whether we should encourage reality or whether we should participate in her delusion ? I imagine that as time goes on she will slip further from reality so we can't avoid the decision. Has anybody any advice on the best way to deal with it ?
Should we participate in delusion or explain whats real?
- Thread starter rogerd
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Hi and welcome to TP.
You have posted exactly right and in the right place!
There is a simple answer to your question. Yes, you participate in delusion, for to them this delusion is real. Time and time again I have to remind myself that it is us carers who need to meet the Dementia person on their plane of existence, not expect the impossible, for them to connect on our plane of reality.
I just learned this lesson again this morning from Mum. When I went to dress her, she threw her clothes at me, shouted, called me names, a monster and cruel. I could have been hurt and offended. I did retreat.... but hours later, I have her busily washing her kitchen floor, something she can do still and gets pleasure from. And then the penny dropped. I am not the monster, nor am I really cruel. It is Alzheimers that is the cruel monster. But as she is in total denial about Alzheimers, then 'her reality' forces her to lash out at the real monster = me. And then I don't need to be hurt or upset. By moving onto her plane of existence, and seeing it through her eyes, I do seem a monster with all my damn abilities. I know that trousers go on over underwear, I can do up a zip...... these skills must look monstrous and hiddeous to one who cannot manage even that!
Keep posting. And you will get all the support you could ever need here. Talk soon, BE
You have posted exactly right and in the right place!
There is a simple answer to your question. Yes, you participate in delusion, for to them this delusion is real. Time and time again I have to remind myself that it is us carers who need to meet the Dementia person on their plane of existence, not expect the impossible, for them to connect on our plane of reality.
I just learned this lesson again this morning from Mum. When I went to dress her, she threw her clothes at me, shouted, called me names, a monster and cruel. I could have been hurt and offended. I did retreat.... but hours later, I have her busily washing her kitchen floor, something she can do still and gets pleasure from. And then the penny dropped. I am not the monster, nor am I really cruel. It is Alzheimers that is the cruel monster. But as she is in total denial about Alzheimers, then 'her reality' forces her to lash out at the real monster = me. And then I don't need to be hurt or upset. By moving onto her plane of existence, and seeing it through her eyes, I do seem a monster with all my damn abilities. I know that trousers go on over underwear, I can do up a zip...... these skills must look monstrous and hiddeous to one who cannot manage even that!
Keep posting. And you will get all the support you could ever need here. Talk soon, BE
This is always difficult to deal with but the kindest way is to go along with their delusions.
As you say she got upset when you tried to clarify something and this really is so needless.
There are some things I find hard like when my husband gets angry at BBC for moving Songs of Praise about and it is not on when he expects it to be on. This is because it is actually Wednesday but he is looking at Sunday in the Radio Times. When these events happen I try very gently say I think you are a bit mixed up today.
However when he talks about things which have no reality at all I just go along and say oh , or umm or I see. Then I try to change the subject as I do find it distressing.
I think the majority here would advise something similar.
Jeannette
As you say she got upset when you tried to clarify something and this really is so needless.
There are some things I find hard like when my husband gets angry at BBC for moving Songs of Praise about and it is not on when he expects it to be on. This is because it is actually Wednesday but he is looking at Sunday in the Radio Times. When these events happen I try very gently say I think you are a bit mixed up today.
However when he talks about things which have no reality at all I just go along and say oh , or umm or I see. Then I try to change the subject as I do find it distressing.
I think the majority here would advise something similar.
Jeannette
I do agree with BE and Jeanette wholeheartedly. Mum became so much less agitated when we stopped trying to 'put her right'. She too lives in a world of her own but I cannot stress enough that it is real to her so we just go along with it.
I recommend a read of 'Contented Dementia' by Oliver James which all my family has found extremely helpful in trying to understand and deal with Mum's dementia.
It can be very hard at times not to argue or contradict but we find it really is better not to. I only wish we had realised this long ago!
Molly
I recommend a read of 'Contented Dementia' by Oliver James which all my family has found extremely helpful in trying to understand and deal with Mum's dementia.
It can be very hard at times not to argue or contradict but we find it really is better not to. I only wish we had realised this long ago!
Molly
Hi Roger, welcome. As others have said, it's best to go along with what is said. We are brought up to tell the truth so we feel as if we are lying or being patronising, but really it's the kindest way to go.
Your wife's aunt is certain that events have taken place & when someone says they haven't it can cause anger of distress.
When I was struggling with my mum's versions of events, my husband told me to put myself in mum's place, imagine telling someone about something I'd seen & know how cross I'd get if they insisted I hadn't .
So now I do what others have said, "Oh, dear" or "How lovely" (whichever is appropriate
) & try to change the subject.
It isn't easy, but it's how it is, sadly.
Take care
Lin x
Your wife's aunt is certain that events have taken place & when someone says they haven't it can cause anger of distress.
When I was struggling with my mum's versions of events, my husband told me to put myself in mum's place, imagine telling someone about something I'd seen & know how cross I'd get if they insisted I hadn't .
So now I do what others have said, "Oh, dear" or "How lovely" (whichever is appropriate
) & try to change the subject.It isn't easy, but it's how it is, sadly.
Take care
Lin x
Thanks for your replies; all very reassuring.
rogerd
rogerd
Hi Roger, welcome. As others have said, it's best to go along with what is said. We are brought up to tell the truth so we feel as if we are lying or being patronising, but really it's the kindest way to go.
Your wife's aunt is certain that events have taken place & when someone says they haven't it can cause anger of distress.
When I was struggling with my mum's versions of events, my husband told me to put myself in mum's place, imagine telling someone about something I'd seen & know how cross I'd get if they insisted I hadn't .
So now I do what others have said, "Oh, dear" or "How lovely" (whichever is appropriate
It isn't easy, but it's how it is, sadly.
Take care
Lin x
Hi Rogerd
Welcome to TP
I think you will find a thread on here helpful its called
Compassionate communication with the memory impaired
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Welcome to TP
I think you will find a thread on here helpful its called
Compassionate communication with the memory impaired
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
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It's easier for us to get into their world than for us to get into our world of reality. If we argue with them and they realize that they're wrong, it confronts them with the reality of the dementia and make them upset. What's the use? Nothing can be changed about the way they think now, as their brain is damaged.
Not always easy to go along with them, but after practicing it gets natural.
Not always easy to go along with them, but after practicing it gets natural.
You've received great advice - the interesting thing is that Compassionate Communication works in many situations. My mum doesn't have dementia ( well, as far as we know...) but is recovering from a breakdown after caring for my dad, who does.
From my point of view, to reduce stress both for her and myself, I have to school myself to be non-confrontational and not to argue or over indulge her. It's very hard as it's in my nature to confront and question so I really have to watch myself! I hope you find many ways to continue to communicate with your relative - I guess it's a case of practice makes perfect xxx
From my point of view, to reduce stress both for her and myself, I have to school myself to be non-confrontational and not to argue or over indulge her. It's very hard as it's in my nature to confront and question so I really have to watch myself! I hope you find many ways to continue to communicate with your relative - I guess it's a case of practice makes perfect xxx
