Struggling to Remember the Good Times

[Shorty]

Hi, I've not been on for some time, my Mum sadly passed away yesterday after 6 long years with Alzheimers Disease, she was only 70

I found the whole end of life and watching Mum die the most distressing thing of all the journey and one I will never forget. The thing that is bothering me most is that I feel incredibly calm and 'normal' today like its not happened and I just can't seem to remember what Mum was like before the illness took hold

The last image of her from last night was so upsetting that I had to rip out a photograph of her from my wedding album to have by my bedside just so I could hold on to what she looked like before.

I know I am in the very early stages of loss, but I'm shocked at how un-emotional I am, I'm even thinking of clearing out her room in the care home tomorrow, just to get it done, so I don't ever have to go back there. Surely I should be a bit more devastated???

 

[3littlepigs]

Self-preservation mode

You are in shock and your body/emotions have gone into self-preservation mode. It is perfectly normal. It may be that you feel this way until all the formalities of the funeral e.t.c. are finished. Just do what you feel is right when you need to.
The good memories will come back in time.

 

[bmw777]

be strong

be strong but dont be hard on your self . when my dad passed away after suffering for 7 years , after having a series of strokes my mum said it was a happy release .
the grieving period is different for everyone . i was totally lost until the day of the funeral , after the burial i felt a sense of relief , after lots of crying .. xx

 

[hollycat]

Hi Shorty

I had a very similar reaction when I lost dad in 2000 to alzheimers.

It might sound like a terrible thing to say but I was GLAD when I lost dad as it was killing my mum caring for him and the dad I KNEW was lost years ago.

Just wanted to post my example to say:

I lost my dad in 1995 really, but he didn't actually leave us till year 2000. I have no idea if this is a normal reaction, but it is just how I felt and dealt with my dad.

Perhaps you are having a similar reaction ?

x x x x

and now here I sit caring for mum with alzheimers.

Hope this helps, but I feel the same way about my mum i.e. whilst she is still with us I still feel like I have lost her.

 

[jeany123]

It is surprising how many people write similar things to this when their loved ones die, you will grieve in your own way and that will be the right way for you x
Please accept my sympathy x

Best wishes

Jeany x

 

[CraigC]

Hi Shorty,

The thing that is bothering me most is that I feel incredibly calm and 'normal' today like its not happened and I just can't seem to remember what Mum was like before the illness took hold

There is no rule book for grieving and no time frame but these emotions are not unusual. It can take a long time to accept the situation, particularly if the illness is long and if you are around for the End of Life care in my experience. And then the mind place tricks. Just keep an eye on yourself and see how it goes because death soon becomes about the people left behind. Denial at the early stage mirrors my experience Shorty, a numb feeling.

I found the whole end of life and watching Mum die the most distressing thing of all the journey and one I will never forget.

I totally agree, six months on I contacted Cruse Bereavement Care to try and get to grips with my emotions. It made a real difference talking to someone who was detached from the situation and didn't just say 'you did your best'. Recommend them highly if you still feel angst, particularly as time progresses.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

No one can prepare you for the end of life experience, but there are people who can help you slowly come to terms with the experience.

Take care of yourself
Craig

 

[Chemmy]

I know I am in the very early stages of loss, but I'm shocked at how un-emotional I am, I'm even thinking of clearing out her room in the care home tomorrow, just to get it done, so I don't ever have to go back there. Surely I should be a bit more devastated???

First I like to offer sincere condolences for your loss. My mum passed away on Christmas Eve and my OH and I got through Christmas Day just fine. I had no qualms about clearing out her room either - I left with half a carrier bag of keepsakes and the CH kindly agreed to dispose of the rest. Belongings don't make the person in the end. I found the funeral was the point when I got proper closure, but the days leading up to it will be difficult. Accept that, go with the flow and when/if the tears come, probably when you least expect them, let them - a good cry is very therapeutic. Actually I found I wasn't crying for her death; that was a blessed release for her and me. It seemed to be more a culmination of all the grief that built up over the years leading up to it.

I haven't posted much on TP since Mum died; it's not felt right and tbh, I want to start forgetting Mum-with-dementia and replace her with pre-dementia-Mum instead. I've removed more recent photos and put funny ones from twenty years ago in their place.

But the thing that's prompted me to post today was the baby shower I hosted for my daughter here this weekend. I decided to put on a lady-like afternoon tea for them - so out came Mum (and Gran's) damask table linen plus the twelve setting china tea set Mum got as a wedding present in 1952. It's been packed in a box in the loft since I cleared her house back in 2005. Then there were the cake stands and plates she used to use.

But it was whilst I was baking on Thursday that I suddenly had a real feeling of peace come over me ( and I'm the least 'spiritual' person you can imagine).

Mum was a good baker and made great high teas and it was as I was making one of her delicious Border tarts that I suddenly realised that I was fondly remembering her as she used to be before the Alzheimers days. That's the first time that's happened in over a decade and it was such a lovely feeling.

It'll be different for you, but you will find your own way through this. Parents, as a rule, die before their children - that's the way of the world and something we all have to accept.

I wish you and your family well.

 

[turbo]

Hello Shorty, My sincere condolences.


turbo

 

[Shorty]

Thank you all

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I do feel relieved that Mum is no longer suffering, though today has been difficult meeting funeral directors etc, which put off the clearing out of her room as I just couldn't face it.

Thank you for the suggestion of bereavement services/counselling. I had counselling when Mum was diagnosed and it helped enormously so I can see after the dust settles that this will help again. I must admit today I got quite annoyed and upset about why she had to get this awful illness in the first place which is something I thought I'd let go of a long time ago.

I guess I'll just take it one step at a time, thank you again for all your lovely replies, I really appreciate your honesty and advice xx

 

[Shorty]

and now here I sit caring for mum with alzheimers.

Hope this helps, but I feel the same way about my mum i.e. whilst she is still with us I still feel like I have lost her.

So sorry you are now going through this again with your Mum, life is just not fair sometimes , take care of yourself xx

 

[Shorty]

I totally agree, six months on I contacted Cruse Bereavement Care to try and get to grips with my emotions. It made a real difference talking to someone who was detached from the situation and didn't just say 'you did your best'. Recommend them highly if you still feel angst, particularly as time progresses.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

No one can prepare you for the end of life experience, but there are people who can help you slowly come to terms with the experience.

Craig

Thank you Craig, you have reminded me how much the counselling I had when Mum was diagnosed helped and that is a route I shall take when the dust settles. During the end of life process I was the driving force of the family strongly refusing hospital admittance and wanting instead for Mum to remain in her own environment with pain relief etc. I am glad I did this as she died in a calm and loving atmosphere instead of a cold clinical hospital ward, but I wasn't prepared for the final hours, having never seen anybody die before, and think this will haunt me for some time.

 

[nicoise]

Thank you Craig, you have reminded me how much the counselling I had when Mum was diagnosed helped and that is a route I shall take when the dust settles. During the end of life process I was the driving force of the family strongly refusing hospital admittance and wanting instead for Mum to remain in her own environment with pain relief etc. I am glad I did this as she died in a calm and loving atmosphere instead of a cold clinical hospital ward, but I wasn't prepared for the final hours, having never seen anybody die before, and think this will haunt me for some time.

Dear Shorty,
I'm sorry to hear about your sad loss of your mum.

Don't underestimate how much of a toll these last few weeks will have taken on you, on top of the many years of caring and all that entailed. Then at the end of all that you have to deal with the funeral, and attend to the administration of all the bits of paper too. So many stresses and sadnesses.

I do think we shut down our responses in order to cope, especially if you have been the one who has been the "organiser".

I liken it to a type of post-trauma response, and if those last few days or hours were not peaceful as we might imagine or hope, then that just adds to what your brain has to come to terms with. That has been the situation for me, and I had already experienced my dad's death - but sadly my mum's was not calm and peaceful, and I have found that difficult to live with.

You have had wise words of advice about counselling - see how you feel in the coming weeks. You already know from past experience how much it helped in one situation, and maybe it will help you cope with this new situation you are having to live with. Go to see your GP if things are getting overwhelming - there are no medals for struggling on alone.

Keep coming here to TP if you find it helps - you are amongst those who share your experiences and are happy to listen.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Shorty, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your mum, please accept my condolences.

When you posted, it was only the day after your mum had died. I think anything you are feeling at the moment will be perfectly normal. You don't have to feel devastated. You probably feel a whole gamut of emotions at the moment, never two minutes the same! Go easy on yourself and do whatever you feel you have to do; whatever helps, that's fine.

I can totally understand the feeling of never having to go back to the nursing home.

I also understand about not being able to remember good times. Although my mam is still with us, I struggle to remember good times too. I had a wonderful childhood, but as I grew up, mam and I clashed a bit here and there, and unfortunately those are the memories that I remember more clearly. I have to make more of an effort to remember the good times - of which there were many, I know, but I just can't bring them to mind.

Please take care of yourself, this must be such a stressful time, don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. x

 

[jude50]

Dear Shorty

May I say that I am sorry to hear of the death of your Mum. My Mum died in Juky of last year after suffering from dementia for at least 6 years but onkly formally diagnosed for the last two during which time I cared for her as well as working full time. I lived with her and in the end everything I did had her in mind which meant I ghad no life of my own.

When she died I was upset but I was calm. I said that I missed her but not the dementia or the stress. I picked up my life again and started living for myself. I didn't cry much but this last weekend I tried to explain to a friend why I was going to the TP meetup and what had TP meant to me when I had noone to turn to and i started to weep. Think I freaked him abit and the next day I spoke to my sister and for the first time in months I cried because I missed her. I missed the Mum i had before the dementia, the Mum that i took out, the Mum I listened to the radio with and who I laughed with.

What I'm trying to say is that someone has for theor tag line that when you meet one person with dementai you meet one person with dementia nnd that is the same way with grieving. No two people are the same and there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. You will find your own path and yes you will come back to the happier memories that I can promise.

Jude

 

[CraigC]

but I wasn't prepared for the final hours, having never seen anybody die before, and think this will haunt me for some time.

I wish someone had told me a little more than 'it is a humbling experience'. If it haunts you make sure you talk about it and open up. I sat on it for way too long. Being close to someone at death definitely isn't like the movies.

 

[father ted]

Just read your message. When my father died I remember that my head was full of bad memories, the arguements we had, unkind things we had both said and for a few weeks I was tortured by my thoughts and I knew I had 'lost' the opportunity to put things right but after a few months I was in the supermarket and something prompted me to remember a joke my Dad had told me years before and I started to laugh inwardly.
As time went by the horrible guilt and sadness made way for lovely memories and I came to accept that all family relationships are fraught at times and can test you to your limit but ultimately your memories are made over a lifetime and not just the few years at the end.
Take things at your pace, don't expect anything more from yourself than getting through the day- none of us are perfect.
Father Ted x

 

[llamedos]

It's early days yet....

Hello shorty,

So sorry to read of your loss, and the distress of being with your mum when she passed away. My wife was in care after 10 years of suffering from Alzheimer's disease, and on the day she died, the care home contacted me to come straight away - this was at 1am in the morning - i got dressed immediately, and was at the care home 10 minutes later - unfortunately, I was not there to comfort her, and be there for her - this really hurt me.

However, my wife passed away in January 2012, and I try my best to keep her in my thoughts - specially from the past- I enjoy looking back at photos taken in happier times.
We had 56 years together, and it's an awful wrench when it comes time to say goodbye.

Now, I still miss my wife every day, but I am trying to be as positive as I can, and getting on with my life. It's not all plain sailing, but I am living now, and my wife would want me to have a life.

As you are now, it's very difficult for you to see a way forward - but it's there, and you WILL find it. I think it's a good idea not to dwell on recent events, and look towards photographs of happier times. Select at lovely picture, and get it framed for you to remember with fondness........memories are your best companion at this moment in time.

God bless you,

Llamedos

 

[CAW]

Hi, I've not been on for some time, my Mum sadly passed away yesterday after 6 long years with Alzheimers Disease, she was only 70

My heart goes out to you :-( I lost my Mum in November last year at 73, and I have been through many difficult emotions, yet I can associate with the calmness you describe. I found myself saying outloud, 'you can't hurt her now' and feeling that it was an ultimate sacrifice to let someone you love go so that they suffer no more. I'd do anything to have Mum back, anything, but only if she were free of this awful disease.
In some ways, the final few months were worse than her passing. To see someone precious suffering when all you can do is as much as you can is soul destroying. I had a lovely dream just last week where I was talking to Mum, I cant recall what we said exactly, but I do know that she knew me and was able to chat in that dream. When I woke, I didnt feel upset, I felt joy that I was able to see her that way again, albeit a dream. So hang on in there, it is very early days for you, I, and many others and you will rollercoater for a while but will get there in the end and think of the special times you had in her life. Take heart from the love you showed and all you did for Mum. I am absolutley convinced that my Mum understood everything I did and said, but was just unable to converse back. We put a lovely entry into the book of remembrance and had duplicate books which we were sent to us last week, coincidently, the morning after my dream Time will heal. Big hugs.

 

[marisarose]

You will remember the good times, it takes time.

my thoughts are with you at this time. I really do know how you feel as, though my Mum died in 2007 I was with her for the two days before she died and was there when she passed - even now I don't want to think about how awful it was - though she was in a sort of coma the day before she was still murmuring 'help, help' which was what she always cried - I couldn't believe that even at the end she would still have to be so distressed so I asked for drugs to calm her. My dear husband arrived near the end (my two sisters had gone home, would have been so much easier with all of us there). I do now feel though that I am so glad I was there with her as she left this world, just as she was there when I entered the world - hopefully she knew I was there. Like you, even after all this time I still can only see my Mum as she was in the last four years, in the home, in her wheelchair, calling for help etc. She had vascular dementia so she always recognised us which was a real blessing. I know the good memories will come and that I will be able to hear her voice again - I must be patient. No rules for grieving, please no guilt - your Mum would not have wanted that. You will grieve in your own good time. I would just say, keep some of her belongings for now as you may regret getting rid of certain items (I did), then you can take your time and decide what you really want to keep, even a tiny thing like a button can mean so much, I have a little bag of Mum's clothes and her slippers. Sounds weird I know! God bless you, your Mum is fine now, the love you shared cannot be broken, it's like an invisible thread between you and always will be. Linda

 

[Nasus]

Death experiences

My sincere condolences for your loss over the many years and your current caring difficulties.
When my sister died at 41 she had been dying (& being treated) for about 18 months (breast cancer). I found it harder to deal with her suffering and that she had a young family, but became very emotional about the death.
When my mother died at 66 (uterine cancer stomach & breast secondaries) I saw her just before death but my father who had been caring for her before she went into a hospice went into to overdrive and cleared the house immediately of everything associated with her personally - I had to rescue a few momentos and he gave me her jewelry. I was calm afterwards until the funeral, then started to dream about how she was before her illness.
When my father first got symptoms of dementia (he was about 84) it brought us closer, but I suffered from slow bereavement shock and stress worrying about him living alone at the other end of the country. I moved him to extra care housing near me, became his carer with help and in the first year I thought it had killed him, but he gradually became settled. Last year he took another step downwards and I was again stressed/ bereaved fighting (unsatisfactorily) for him to stay in his home. He is now in a Nursing home and I have become detached about him but not uncaring - I visit every day I can and take him to a singing session at his old flats by Dial a Ride transport. I wonder when he will die and hope it will will be peaceful.
I have made family photo albums for him and this helps me to remember him as he was; I'm almost afraid of showing them to him now as it probably will upset him on a good day, but I concentrate on the here and now (new great grandchildren pictures etc).
I hope you can recover your links and affections with help and well done for sticking by your relatives when they needed you most. We all have to die.