Care Home Decision

[PeggySmith]

Hi All,

I just posted this on someone else's thread but then thought I have to face up to those dinosaurs in my head so decided to start a new thread.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. We've been invited to a "family" meeting at the hospital tomorrow but they're going to say that MIL can't come home (already told us) and it's true.

She could just about afford overnight care and I'd be there all day with 4 care visits every day BUT. She just isn't mobile any more and is too heavy for me to support or lift. I'm just terrified about putting her into a rubbish care home. I know there are good ones out there but HOW WILL I REALLY KNOW? What if I get it wrong? I feel like a rabbit in the headlights On top of that, the first thing she says when we visit is "I'm going home soon".

 

[turmoil]

Hi PeggySmith

This is my worst fear too, and I cannot advise either as I have no experience, just wanted to bump you and keep you near top, as many have done the same for me.
I wish you luck, there are so many good stories about care homes too.
I think we are just used to seeing the negative.

Good luck

Turmoil

 

[rajahh]

I made a mistake choosing the care home for my husband for one week's respite so I have no experience really. It truly is a nightmare.

Love Jeannette

 

[turmoil]

Hi again,

It has just dawned on me I do have some advice, brief outline I cared for MIL who in turn cared for her brother with severe learning disabilities, MIL passed away and I continued to care for her brother, until it was clear that my health, marriage ect could not carry on, I felt rushed into taking the first place offered, I was told if I did not sign the tenancy agreement (assisted living) It could be a year before another place became available. Due to the pressure on me I took the tenancy for him, that was in 2007 I am now in the process of trying to find another home along with Social Services who agree the move was a bad one!

I would advise you and your family to take the time to check that the home meets your MIL requirements and do not be pressured, visit, visit and do not be afraid to ask questions and visit some more.

Hope this helps

Turmoil

 

[jaymor]

Hi,

Wait and see what they say at the meeting. They should be able to tell you what kind of care you are looking for and maybe they have a list of homes that can supply the care you need. Go on the internet and find homes that are in the area you want and then set off to see them. Take your time, we visited over 20. The very first one was horrendous I was so upset I was ready to go home but we kept going and the next one was really nice. We put my husband's name down at the ones we liked because you can always refuse a place when it comes up. When we did find the right one giving the level of care we needed and the level of staff we needed it was great. My husband settled straight away and he is now a much calmer, less tormented person than he was when he first went in. He does have 1:1 care.

So don't get disheartened, there are some horrors out there but there are some little gems too, just need to search. Good luck, hope it all goes well.

Jay

 

[Pheath]

Sorry you’re in this situation, your poor MIL and poor you too. It must be such a sad time. You can ask for recommendations for a care home on this site. Just start a new thread and entitle it so, helps also if you mention the area in the subject box. To mention though we’re not allowed to name homes on the main site so invite people to private message you. Intuition is usually the best guide as to the right care home, many people report ‘just knowing’ when they find the right one but there should be lots of posts on site about criteria to look for when searching. Best of luck.

 

[Witzend]

Hi All,

I just posted this on someone else's thread but then thought I have to face up to those dinosaurs in my head so decided to start a new thread.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. We've been invited to a "family" meeting at the hospital tomorrow but they're going to say that MIL can't come home (already told us) and it's true.

She could just about afford overnight care and I'd be there all day with 4 care visits every day BUT. She just isn't mobile any more and is too heavy for me to support or lift. I'm just terrified about putting her into a rubbish care home. I know there are good ones out there but HOW WILL I REALLY KNOW? What if I get it wrong? I feel like a rabbit in the headlights On top of that, the first thing she says when we visit is "I'm going home soon".

Oh, dear, what a worry for you. All I can say (having been through it twice now) is to go and visit as many as you can - write off any that ask you to make an appointment just for an initial look around - and go on your instincts if you don't have any personal reommendations to help you. (and even if you do, come to that - staff and managers change and a nice place can deteriorate, and vice versa).

Does it have a nice, homely feel? Do the staff look (reasonably) cheerful? Do the residents look reasonably clean and tidy?*
And I know it sounds horrible, but don't necesarily be put off by a few of the more advanced residents slumped in chairs asleep. My mother is one of these now, but it's not because of lack of care or offers of stimulation or activities - after over 5 years there she's not really capable of anything else any more.

*Don't be put off by anyone walking around with a nightie under their jumper and over their trousers, either - in the past I've seen my mother like this once or twice - too stroppy to let the staff help her!

Good luck - I do hope you find somewhere you're happy with soon.

 

[sussexsue]

Great post from Witzend.

I must confess we did end up making appointments for the first visits to Care Homes as we wanted to make sure the manager was available to show us around. Second and third visits were definitely unannounced.

Both my mum and now my in-laws have ended up in Care Homes. Mum in West Sussex, and inlaws down in Cornwall. I can honestly say they are both lovely places, and when my time comes I know I would be happy for my family to send me off to either of them.

Of course there are not very good ones, or even totally awful ones, but there are good ones out there and some lovely staff who do an amazing job.

Hope you find the right one.

 

[Eirca]

Care Home

I would certainly ask for people to email you recommendations. Why there is not a national database of recommendations I will never understand.
But bear in mind what is right for one is not necessarily right for another.
A mistake I made when looking for a place for mum, was not taking into account how she would change.
If possible after the initial inspections, take MIL to view them herself, something may appeal to her that you can’t see.
And don’t be rushed into a decision by the hospital trying to discharge her as soon as possible.
Do a much research as you can. The very best of luck at a very difficult time.

 

[PeggySmith]

Thanks everyone for replying. It certainly helps to see what others think and getting reassurance that there are good care homes out there

Revisiting the thread this morning also made me realise that part of my problem is me. I feel really guilty that I have failed in my aim to help her stay at home so I have to confront that and deal with it.

Wish me luck for the meeting this afternoon as I don't have a lot of faith in this particular ward - not dreadful, just not quite good enough if you see what I mean.

 

[PeggySmith]

Wait and see what they say at the meeting. They should be able to tell you what kind of care you are looking for and maybe they have a list of homes that can supply the care you need.
Jaymor

Ha! MIL being at the meeting, I tried to avoid the dreaded dementia word. The OT and the nurse did a pretty good job of telling us that MIL's dementia is getting in the way of any sensible rehab without actually saying the dreaded word. Everyone else then left and the social worker took over. When I said that, as asked by family, I'd done a ring round of local homes and found 4 that offered "specialist" nursing care, she failed to understand. Once I was a bit more explicit she went on to say that she'd have to refer us to the Mental Health team ???? She thought I meant EMI as that's the only kind of dementia that needs specialist care. I really do despair.

On a more positive note, I was so concerned about MIl that I went back with OH this evening to make sure she was ok. She'd forgotten all about the meeting this afternoon and was sure that she hadn't seen BIL today at all

 

[kellylb]

Some helpful tips

Hi,

I am new to this forum, but not to this field. I work as a Dementia specialist carer and trainer. As such I thought I may be able to give you a few things to look out for when you are looking at care homes.

There are lots of buzz phrases in the care industry, person centred care, enabling independant living, positive social interaction and many more. The important thing for me when assessing the standard of care provided within a care home is whether the staff who work there really understand what these phrases mean practically!

We could all give a text book answer to what is meant by 'positive social interaction' two minutes googling would give us that, but are the staff able to give examples of how they would practically achieve this?

The way I would find this out is to observe what happens in the lounge of a care home, for example, over a period of time. Ideally a 2 hour period, but as a relaltive viewing a prospective home a small snap shot of time will work too.

Sit quietly and observe what is actually happening in the room. You are trying to get a feel for what the "lived experience" of the people in the room is.

Do people seem engaged? are people asleep? Are there staff members in the room? What are they doing? If residents speak, are they responded too? How are they responded too?You are looking for the "quality of the interaction".

It is very easy to get swept up as a member of the care team, in what "needs to be done". The emphasis then becomes on the tasks as opposed to the needs of the individuals you are caring for. Eg, Task based : Its 11 am, the tea trolley arrives. Everyone in the room is offered tea or coffee and biscuits and is presented with their choice of beverage. The alternative to this is get rid of the tea trolley notion and on a one to one, or small group if thats how people are socialising, offer people a drink. Sit with mrs A and enjoy a cup of tea with her. How often at home, if there is someone in the room with you, do you sit and drink a cuppa alone? A positive social interaction for some people would be sitting together to have a cup of tea. Using this opertunity to maybe discuss something of interest to that person.

This approach takes longer, in terms of everyone who wants a drink getting one, but it provides everyone with a positive social experience. Which is after all what lifes about, whether you have or don't have Dementia.

Observing these things in a care home, to me, is the most important element of deciding whether a care home is right for my relative. Facilities can improve, decor can be changed but the day to day experience of the residence within that care home community must be positive and enriching from day one.

Phew... that was more than I was planning on writting, sorry if I got a bit soap boxy!! I hope this helps a little

 

[starryuk]

Hello KellyB,
Welcome and thank you for your post. Your expertise and experience is going to be most helpful to many of us. I hope you will stay and continue giving us advice.

Well, in my mum's care home, they do take a tea trolley round. Oh dear. But, on a more positive note, whenever I go in, they offer me and my mum tea and biscuits, they know how my mum likes her tea and usually serve it to us with a teapot, etc on a tray with a doiley!! (the doiley always impresses me!). Yesterday, my mum remarked, "this was a really good idea" ie that I had arranged for us to 'go out' for tea together.

Interesting how deeply ingrained in the British psyche is the importance of the social cuppa.

Look forward to hearing more from you

Best wishes

Angela

 

[Grannie G]

Hello PeggySmith

It might help you to read the Alzheimer`s Factsheet on Selecting a care home

It`s a really difficult time but if you can manage to find the right home where the caring is shared, it will make it so much easier for you.

 

[kellylb]

Hi Angela,

That's a fantastic anecdote and definatley a positive social interaction!!! By suggesting getting rid of the trolleys I was Just trying to labour my point about the need for change from the restrictive task based approach. It sound lime you're mums care home team create a really positive community.

I feel really strongly that by sharing these positive experiences we can all learn to observe what our loved ones actual experiences are and make changes where necessary.

Kelly: -)

 

[dognecks]

Hi All,

I just posted this on someone else's thread but then thought I have to face up to those dinosaurs in my head so decided to start a new thread.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. We've been invited to a "family" meeting at the hospital tomorrow but they're going to say that MIL can't come home (already told us) and it's true.

She could just about afford overnight care and I'd be there all day with 4 care visits every day BUT. She just isn't mobile any more and is too heavy for me to support or lift. I'm just terrified about putting her into a rubbish care home. I know there are good ones out there but HOW WILL I REALLY KNOW? What if I get it wrong? I feel like a rabbit in the headlights On top of that, the first thing she says when we visit is "I'm going home soon".

am sorry you are having to deal with this at a terrible time , i want to mention that there should be no time that when carering for someone should you personally lift someone as now there are varies mechanical lifting aids, and good care packages that you may be offered , About care homes, yes there are good and bad, and you will know on regular visits which one you have, most of care is common sense and you yourself will know pretty quickly , i hope the meeting isnt to stressful for you , try and be positive, also just ask around about certain homes locally your soon know which are good ones , care homes all around the country are getting better. take care paul.

 

[PeggySmith]

Thank you very much everyone. It's hard to face up to reality at the moment, but I'm getting there. I have a checklist and a shortlist of homes that MIGHT be suitable so just have to get on with it, I guess.

Kelly B no you didn't go on too much and I'll print off your suggestions to remind me when I visit said care homes. Someone else elsewhere her once said that you should look at how the furniture is arranged in the sitting rooms. Chairs around the walls = bad. Chairs in small groupings throughout the room = good.

Granny G I've practically memorised that factsheet and also have a copy of the Age UK one.

Right, time to make some calls, I think

 

[Dazmum]

Have you got someone to go with you to look too, Peggy? I had to go to most homes on my own which was not so good. Good luck x

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi Dazmum,

Yes, my BIL is coming along. That'll take my mind off it all. My top pick care home is full to the brim at the moment so it's back to the drawing board.

I had a phone call from the social worker today, I now understand how the funding works and it's just b****y stupid. AND we have to wait for a mental health assessment as the LA doubt whether or not MIL has dementia or something. She's been diagnosed, had a brain scan, scored 3/10 on that stupid 10 question thing (and I know they gave her one mark out of kindness). So, she remembers her date of birth and can name the queen. Great. Bitter? Moi? You bet I am.

Whoops, just got back in to apologise. You send me a kind and thoughtful message and I wander off on a rant. Very sorry.

 

[sunshine13]

Peggy, I am going to PM you, but in the meantime (because my IT skills are rubbish) some thoughts:

Does your MIL have a Community Psychiatric Nurse? If so, maybe you could book a time to have a chat with her about all the legalities, funding etc.... It is a bit of a minefield and NHS people use lots of acronyms assuming that us ordinary folk understand. She should be able to explain it all to you in lay person's language. (I used to work for the NHS, not in Mental Health, and I was as guilty as anyone - sorry!) As you live in Banes, maybe your first point of contact is the office in Midsomer Norton????? If so, give them a call. From experience they are lovely and will explain anything without being patronising. I would also request written details of everything they explain because, if you are anything like me, you lose track when someone is firing information at you verbally.

The funding really depends on your MIL's assets. If she has less than £23,000 (I think) she doesn't have to worry. Over and above that, care is funded up to a certain amount and then topped up from her assets. I sound a bit vague, because I am - sorry. I just hope I am giving you the correct information, but the CPN should have it at her fingertips.

Another tip, once you have made contact with the CPN, is to look at her face when you mention particular Homes. I was able to get a lot of information from that though of course they are not supposed to show their feelings!! Just chatting to the staff at the Home is good too - the 'ordinary' hands-on people, I mean, like the Care Assistants and even the cleaners. I also tried to make a point of saying hello to a couple of residents to see how they reacted and how the person showing me around reacted to them.

I didn't visit any without an appointment, because most places were reluctant. They said they might not have someone to show me round, which I sort of understand. I think that's a pity, but if they all say that, then maybe that's the general policy.

Anyway, good luck. I am off to see my Mum's new Home this afternoon. She is moving from a Secure Unit on Tuesday, so it's a HUGE change for everyone. My brother has seen it (I've been full of cold) and says it's wonderful and I have had a telephone chat with the staff who seem very down-to-earth and understanding. Time will tell .... The person I spoke to also said she has worked there for 25 years, so she must enjoy her job - that's got to be good, hasn't it?

The Home my mum is moving to is one which her CPN has had dealings with for 15 years, so I'm taking that as a recommendation in as far as she can give one.

I've gone on for way too long. I usually do. I'll PM you either later today or tomorrow when I've looked at Mum's new home and let you know what I think. I have good feelings about it so far and it is definitely in Banes!

Have a good day.