Finding a care home for a married couple

[AnneG]

Any hints and tips about how I manage this? My Mum has had Dementia for more than 5 years and has been cared for by Dad. This is no longer possible since he is now suffering from vascular dementia and they cannot look after themselves even with carers 4 times a day.
We will need residential/dementia care very soon but are there any places which will take both even though their needs are different and if so how do I find them please?

 

[stevew]

Care home for married couple

I have been in the same situation. The answer is research and visiting different care homes but perhaps speak to them on the phone first to explain circumstances. I have visited many different care homes in different counties and to meet their individual and joint needs have only been able to find two, the first in weymouth and the second in torquay. I hope that if a social worker is involved, then let them conduct the research on your behalf. Good luck.

 

[sadpuffin]

Just to agree with stevew. Research is the key, have been looking for a single room but notice some places mention a bigger room for 2 or even having 2 rooms and using 1 as a sitting room. Good luck

 

[rajahh]

I think there is a website which finds care homes. google it and see what comes up.

Jeannette

 

[nelliewops]

I was in the same situation last year - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2005 and my dad was her sole carer (we unfortunately moved from living locally to some 150 miles away in 2007, although in 2011 we moved to within 90 minutes drive away) until my dad suffering a series of UTIs during 2011 led us to arrange a care package of four daily visits. This didn't work for long though and after a fall last Summer when my dad was hospitalised, we realised they couldn't return home. As a result we had to sell their house to fund places for them both in the care system.

DH and I struggled to find anywhere close to us (Wilts/Dorset borders) that could cope with my dad's increasingly erratic behaviour. We did begin to suspect he was suffering from Vascular Dementia - DH's dad had already been diagnosed earlier in 2012 so we recognised the signs (unfortunately DH's dad sadly passed away last week ) - but my dad wasn't diagnosed till November 2012. Many of the places we investigated explained that as soon as their behaviour became too *challenging* they would expect the family to remove them to somewhere more *suitable* and as we were trying to find somewhere that they could remain together, this didn't seem ideal.

In the end we had to opt for somewhere in Hampshire - in their home city - but 90 mins from us, so not perfect as I don't drive (and an only child ) so reliant upon DH to drive me there. The place we chose is a Nursing home with Dementia wing. Initially whilst we were advised against a shared room - they may disturb each other during the night - they were given adjoining rooms with the use of a small lounge during the day, but almost immediately it was discovered that this wasn't working as my dad (still to be diagnosed at that point) was prone to wandering into the bedrooms of other ladies and pulling off their bed covers - looking for my mum I believe.

Just prior to his diagnosis my dad was moved into the specialist Dementia wing and they were reunited at breakfast, spending the remainder of the day together. However, last month the staff felt that they were both antagonising each other - plus mum was refusing to eat and giving her meals to my dad who was only too keen to eat double rations - so after trying separating them at mealtimes (had no effect), preparing a special diet for mum (ditto), they moved her room to a different floor and now they only see each other for a short period each day.

To sum up, I was put under immense pressure from other family members to keep my parents together, but as it has turned out they cannot really be said to benefit from each other's company. My dad's condition is now far worse than mum's and his behaviour is definitely *challenging* whereas hers is mild and meek, plus she cannot understand why he behaves as he does. After much soul-searching, DH and I have decided to re-examine the homes situation in our rural area and are seriously considering moving my mum closer to us as we feel she would benefit from being able to be taken out/brought here to our house regularly, whereas my dad would only see it as a chance to *escape*

There are websites that list homes within certain areas, but I found that even those that state that they specialise in Dementia, some are only interested in taking residents with the mildest of symptoms.....

 

[tre]

The CH my mum was in here in Herts had a married couple living there. He was on the lower floor in the dementia part and she was upstairs. He went up to see her every day. I think they could have shared but this arrangement was best for them. The downstairs rooms could certainly take two beds as my dad stayed every night for the last two weeks of my mum's life. The home provided a fold up bed in her room for him. Just letting you know that there are places out there that will accommodate couples.
good luck with your search,
Tre

 

[Saffie]

Our surgery has a Guide to Care homes in our county which is a county council publication. All homes are in it, private and LA run. I was given one by our SW but they are available to anyone who asks. Try contacting the Adult Services Dept of your County Council if your surgery cannot help.

Quite a number of homes herabouts accept married couples, often in double rooms.
The guide tells you all about each home -apart from price but even a guide to that is available on line. You can also search online under your CCouncils website.

 

[rosiee]

As per some of the other comments, and cutting a long story short, I found havng Mum and dad in the same home, but not actually together, was the best solution. Mum could visit Dad as often as she wanted too, and was with him at the end, but they could both have the care they needed and, in mum's case, without the burden of putting dad before her own needs.

best wishes and hope you find the best solution for your parents.

 

[sussexsue]

My 90 year old inlaws moved into a care home in November. FIL has dementia and neither are very mobile. They have two single beds in a shared room. Normal costs are £500 per week but they have taken them both for £800. It is a wonderful home and they are both so happy. Because it is all level MIL now goes out for little walks on her own down to the beach (with her wheeler thingy). Both put on weight as they are being fed so well.

However in fairness they don't present many problems.

 

[susana53]

Can you give us some idea of what area you are looking for as we might be able to help more?

 

[Telder]

Any hints and tips about how I manage this? My Mum has had Dementia for more than 5 years and has been cared for by Dad. This is no longer possible since he is now suffering from vascular dementia and they cannot look after themselves even with carers 4 times a day.
We will need residential/dementia care very soon but are there any places which will take both even though their needs are different and if so how do I find them please?

Hi, i found myself in your position a few years ago, i was nursing at that time (staff nurse 1979-2005) i decided to join some nursing agencies in an attempt to find a suitable place for my parents, sadly i did not find any, i was shocked at the standards of care, i would urge you to access the care commissions webpage once you have found a home you feel might be suitable. Good Luck

 

[KingB]

I think there are lots of places which have a mixture of residential and dementia facilities.
My mum has been in CH dementia unit for 18 months. Dad is now going to live in the same CH - initially in the purely residential area. I am told that they can spend time together throughout the day if they wish - but the must return to their own rooms at night. They will be treated as individuals as well as being a married couple - so if one of them needs time on their own that will be managed by the staff. I am also told that they will be encouraged to have their own friends & will be encouraged to join in with activities - because eventually one of them will die, so it is important they do not become too reliant on eachother.
All sounds very sensible to me. Its worth asking what the policy is when dealing with married couples, and how they manage difficult situations that may arise.
I hope you can find somewhere lovely for them, and that they can be supported and happy there.