Help me , help my dad

[TJP0806]

Hi

I am new on here but am really looking for some support or answers, my mum was diagnosed with Alzhimers recently, dad and I knew she had this probably a couple of years ago, as she really changed, started to get aggressive towards him, saying things to others and upsetting people to the point that no one would talk to her. Her memory started to go slowly but more frequently. Dad was at his witts end, so my hubby and I supported him fully and have been back and forth to the docs for over five years trying to get her help, but because she kept saying nothing was wrong and wouldnt go he said his hands where tied. Well things got a whole lot worse, and with shear determination and alot of heartache, they finally got her diagnosed and she had a brain scan.

Dad does everything for her now, he cooks, cleans, manages her money, everything, he is 76 and is sooo tired, trying to get him help is a nightmare just to give him so respite, I pop in every other night to ensure they are eating and they are ok, but working fulltime with my own family I am limited. He really needs proper care, they have a great guy called Seth who isnt a career but think he's a pysc nurse, but they only see him as and when because he has another 48 patients.

The thing is now she keeps wandering off, she takes herself out and then the Co-op calls me at work to say shes there and I have to go and get her and take her home, shes in a right state, she imagines poeple have been in the house, she does tend to hulllicinate alot like this, when dad sits right in front of her she doesnt know who he is which breaks his heart, and she gets so upset, she repeats herself so much I dont how he keeps so calm.

She can tell me the same thing about 30 times in five mins, BUT THEN, the next day she can sound normal, remember names, if she goes out and the Co-op call, if I go to get her or my eldest son who is 22, she instantly remembers us by name, Im find this hard as if she cant remember getting there, and cant remember how to walk home how can she remember us??

My dad is really poorly with a chest infection and trying to cope with this is impossible, I have spoken to Seth (her mental health team) and have now told him , but even he said that when she went into the day centre on Monday, she was very lucid and it was hard to access her because she was having a good day, yet Dad said as soon as they left the day centre she went mad , and was going mental at Dad.

Its ok for Seth, I dont think they realise what its like, their only in the house for half hr or less, just to pop in, they are not with it 24/7, Im really worried that my dad is going to have a break down, please help me!!!! to help them.

I seriously need advice, having someone pop round once a week is not enough, a 76 yr old man who is not well cannot handle this.

Im so sick of hearing adverts for "If you think someone close to you has dimetia call now or speak to your doctor", we've been doing this for five years!!!

Help Please

 

[loveahug]

Hi TJP

Have you contact Social Services and asked for a carer's assessment because of impending carer breakdown? I'm not an expert in these things so I hope this will bump your thread up to the top and the real experts can offer more advice. Apparently in these situations, the trick is not to offer to help in any way, otherwise you will be left to it.

I do hope things improve for you all

Warmest wishes

Hugs

 

[Louis]

Hi TJ. I'm in same position as you. Dad, 86 is mums main carer. My mum 82 has alzheimers. We have been in contact with ss who are going to do a care package for my mum. Carers coming in every morn to do breakfast, meds and prompt mum to dress. Then a half hour tea time call, then a carer coming to night sit my mum from 10pm till 8am. My dad in in hosp at the moment, so we worry about mum being on her own at night. On top of this, like you I intend to try day centre. There is also a service called Trio, whereby a project worker picks up three elderley people, takes them to their home, and gives then a two course meal for £3.70. I'm not sure if this service will be in your area though. Trio also take them out or do whatever and bring them home at 4.30pm. There is no need for your dad to be going with your mum to these places, he most definitely needs a break. Your mum could also could go to a day centre more than once a week. Another Idea is a befriended. SS is your first point of contact, I have found them very good, they will put you in contact with all these services. Even respite care for a few days to give your poor dad a break. Hope this helps.


Annex

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello TJP and welcome from me too.

Apart from the wandering (my mam doesn't go anywhere now on her own, although she wanders around the house) your post could have been written by me and you have my total and utter sympathy.

I hate those rose tinted glasses adverts, too, as if calling the GP will be the end of your problems.

Your dad needs a carer's assessment from social services - I think their number should be in the phone book, or try your local authority website. Even if your mum continues to insist there's nothing wrong, she has had a diagnosis and your dad is entitled to an assessment of his own support needs. Call them and badger them. Tell them your dad is near to carer breakdown and if this happens he won't be able to look after your mum (true). You might need to make a bit of a nuisance of yourself unfortunately.

I've read on TP that there are certain trigger phrases to use, such as "vulnerable", and "at risk" (all of which are perfectly true, so don't feel bad about using them), that you should use in the phone call to ensure that they sit up and take notice. Perhaps someone else can advise you more specifically on what to say to ensure a response.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on.

Edit - ooops, should have read the whole thread, you've already been advised to do this!

 

[TJP0806]

Thank you

Thank you so much for your support, sometimes I look at my dad who is very proud, and a good natured man, and looking at his face can see that he has given up, his support worker that comes in once a wk is visiting tomorrow and I have already spoken to him Monday and told him if he doesnt help dad will have a break down. I have spoken to my dad today and told him to be strong and that he has our ful support, he is positive today, I will not let this go, thank you to everyone for your support. Sometimes it feels your the only one and then when you read all the blogs on here you realise what a wicked diesease AZ really is.

Hello TJP and welcome from me too.

Apart from the wandering (my mam doesn't go anywhere now on her own, although she wanders around the house) your post could have been written by me and you have my total and utter sympathy.

I hate those rose tinted glasses adverts, too, as if calling the GP will be the end of your problems.

Your dad needs a carer's assessment from social services - I think their number should be in the phone book, or try your local authority website. Even if your mum continues to insist there's nothing wrong, she has had a diagnosis and your dad is entitled to an assessment of his own support needs. Call them and badger them. Tell them your dad is near to carer breakdown and if this happens he won't be able to look after your mum (true). You might need to make a bit of a nuisance of yourself unfortunately.

I've read on TP that there are certain trigger phrases to use, such as "vulnerable", and "at risk" (all of which are perfectly true, so don't feel bad about using them), that you should use in the phone call to ensure that they sit up and take notice. Perhaps someone else can advise you more specifically on what to say to ensure a response.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on.

Edit - ooops, should have read the whole thread, you've already been advised to do this!