Marking the scattering of ashes

[Heather777]

On 1st march it will be a year since my dad dies-we haven't yet sorted his ashes out. I have told my siblings that we are going to scatter them on Sunday. I feel like to sort it will bring closure.

My daughter, who was close to my dad, is upset that the decision is so sudden but I have tried to sort it out and it feels like the decision has been always left to me. I mostly feel that I still want to do it as it will never get sorted but I also feel torn that it is so rushed.

I know where I am going to do it and it is a place that had significance to my dad but I wondered what other things people do to mark this event? My dad was not a good, loving father and so there is a lot of pain for us and this event wont be easy. However, I do want to mark it in some way-give it some closure.

Heather

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Heather,

We went out for lunch first, then went and scattered my father's ashes . We couldn't do much as we were putting him in to the water and didn't want to draw attention to others because we didn't know if it was allowed or not! LOL. The grandchildren let off some helium balloons then we went for a walk and watched the balloons as they drifted away.

When my mother died we did the same sort of thing. Only difference was we had been given her personal effects and there was some money in her purse so we told everyone that mum was paying for lunch! She would have got a laugh at that. Then we went to the same stretch of water and quietly scattered her.

One thing that everyone didn't expect was that the ashes didn't lightly scatter,they came out in one solid mass and sunk like a brick. So, you might want to make sure that the ashes are loose before you go about scattering them.

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[Heather777]

Thanks Fiona, my mum died of dementia and in 2009-we scattered her ashes on a beach and were shocked about the volume so at least that wont be such a surprise. We let off balloons for her and went for lunch-the hard thing about my dads is that we had such a bad relationship and so there is pain but I want to do the right thing.

Heather

 

[FifiMo]

I can understand you at least wanting the satisfaction of knowing that you did right by him despite how he treated you. I don't know what type of place you intend scattering his ashes at but there is a mini ceremony thing that you can do that can be quite healing for everyone. All you need to do is take a large can or disposable BBQ thing with you and some matches. What everyone does is writes down the things they want to say to your dad. Get your position down in paper and get it out of your system. BUT you end your note by wishing him well no matter where he is. On the day, you all burn your notes and offer them up along with his ashes and know that you have now, hopefully closed the issue. You have had the last word. You have be out closure by saying goodbye and wishing him well.

I have helped lots of people who were in situations where they wanted the closure and to move on and they have all said that they felt empowered by doing this. Mostly I think because it was on their terms. Can be used for lots of reasons eg ending relationships and moving on etc.

Anyway, just a suggestion, if it doesn't appeal then just ignore me LOL

Fiona

 

[Notwaving]

What a good idea Fiona. We are scattering Mums ashes on her birthday .The three of us have no idea how to do it. The posts have been a great help as you can only do this once.

 

[Heather777]

Thanks Fiona, that is a good thought and today is the day! It is pouring with rain though yuck!! We have all got a balloon and little a tag to write something to attach to it-no pressure they can write or not!

I feel lots of my friends prayers this morning and I realise that my family will have some negative feelings towards me for doing this but it has be done sometime and no time will be the right time.

We are going to a local green space that he lived by and you to play truant there when he first moved to the area. It is somewhere he loved.

This journey has been hard and this day will be difficult but it will be a final thing physically.

Here we go!!

Heather

 

[marsaday]

Hi Heather,

I just noticed that it's the anniversary today of your Dad's death. How did the scattering of the ashes go?

You replied to a post of mine a while back as you have been in a similar situation to myself. I read back over a few of your posts and think you coped admirably with your Dad's care in very difficult circumstances. I don't think I would be able to care as much as you did for your Dad. So difficult when they haven't been good fathers. I have taken a step back from mine and left to my brothers more to deal with him, as I'm the main support for my Mum who has been in care now for about 6 months and not doing so well ATM.

Wishing you well.
M

 

[Heather777]

Hi Marsaday-what a sweet post, I really appreciate your words. Today I have had a strange day-a year marks something but what?

The path is finished but it isnt either!

Heather x