Jenna you need to act straight away and get whatever help you can for your mother. Its an awful situation for you all. Those symptoms are all very similar to how my OH was before going in to assessment unit, and then into respite and f/t care. You must speak to SW and/or GP and stress that neither you nor your mother can cope with him the way he is. Speak to your local Alz Soc group also, they'll point you in the right direction. Hope all goes well for you all x
Social services won't include my mother in fathers care! Believe she is a danger!
- Thread starter jen4jenuk2000
- Start date
Your post made my heart go out to you, my Grandma was similar to your Dad, she accused the next door neighbour of trying to gas her under the floor between the houses and accused my Stepdad of trying to poison her etc etc. So, if it were me, I think that I'd try and speak to this son on the phone and explain the situation, ask him if he has an email address and send him some video footage from your mobile phone so that he can see how your Dad gets for himself. He is in a different country and clearly has no real understanding of what is going on. If you can bring the situation to life for him a little then perhaps he'll back off and see the error of his ways? Good luck x
Hi there,
just wondering how things are going and that both of your parents are safe.
i have a feeling that your invisable brother has know idea what is going on. as already been suggested try and get some video evidence and send it to him so he can see for himself what is going on.
is there any chance that he could come over and lend a hand? i know this will cost him but surely he should make the effort.
please keep posting so that we can continue to support you.
jan1962
just wondering how things are going and that both of your parents are safe.
i have a feeling that your invisable brother has know idea what is going on. as already been suggested try and get some video evidence and send it to him so he can see for himself what is going on.
is there any chance that he could come over and lend a hand? i know this will cost him but surely he should make the effort.
please keep posting so that we can continue to support you.
jan1962
Hi guys,
Thanks for your support. The last thing I posted was my dad had assaulted my mum, I went to work and poured it all out to my Sargeant who was great, arresting dad wouldn't have got us anywhere as he wouldn't be fit for interview etc. I phoned the hospital and social worker ( who now suddenly appears to be on our side ) the following morning dad fell out of bed , paramedics put him back, burnt the toast, refused to be washed etc. a psychiatric nurse visited that afternoon with the social worker and asked him why he assaulted his wife, he denied it saying he'd never hit a woman. They asked him why he didn't wait for carer for breakfast, I can do it myself I don't need help. His behaviour was in front of them and I think they panicked! The nurse said to him he had 3 choices a) go voluntarily back to the hospital b) go into respite c) have the doctors come out with a view of forcing him to the hospital . Dad replied the doctors, as they'll understand it's all mums fault etc etc. They left then at 22.00 that night mum had a phone call from a night worker social service lady saying she was coming round at 23.00 with two doctors! They came round and sectioned him again and he willingly went! The social worker has found dad a bed in a care home and the best interest meeting is 2moro, she says she needs to convince the doctor he can't come home and go from there. So it's all been happening last few days but thought you should read what can happen from a bad situation.
My question is if dad goes in to a home obviously he stops paying the bills ( rightly so ) my mum can't afford it if I'm not there... Is this right that mum gets nothing from dads pension etc and is left to fend for herself? I'm now tied living with her at home to pay the bills. Dad has a state pension and a private pension, including care allowance... My mum has a state pension..
Thanks everyone for your concern it really helps to hear people's thoughts and knowledge
Jenna
X
Thanks for your support. The last thing I posted was my dad had assaulted my mum, I went to work and poured it all out to my Sargeant who was great, arresting dad wouldn't have got us anywhere as he wouldn't be fit for interview etc. I phoned the hospital and social worker ( who now suddenly appears to be on our side ) the following morning dad fell out of bed , paramedics put him back, burnt the toast, refused to be washed etc. a psychiatric nurse visited that afternoon with the social worker and asked him why he assaulted his wife, he denied it saying he'd never hit a woman. They asked him why he didn't wait for carer for breakfast, I can do it myself I don't need help. His behaviour was in front of them and I think they panicked! The nurse said to him he had 3 choices a) go voluntarily back to the hospital b) go into respite c) have the doctors come out with a view of forcing him to the hospital . Dad replied the doctors, as they'll understand it's all mums fault etc etc. They left then at 22.00 that night mum had a phone call from a night worker social service lady saying she was coming round at 23.00 with two doctors! They came round and sectioned him again and he willingly went! The social worker has found dad a bed in a care home and the best interest meeting is 2moro, she says she needs to convince the doctor he can't come home and go from there. So it's all been happening last few days but thought you should read what can happen from a bad situation.
My question is if dad goes in to a home obviously he stops paying the bills ( rightly so ) my mum can't afford it if I'm not there... Is this right that mum gets nothing from dads pension etc and is left to fend for herself? I'm now tied living with her at home to pay the bills. Dad has a state pension and a private pension, including care allowance... My mum has a state pension..
Thanks everyone for your concern it really helps to hear people's thoughts and knowledge
Jenna
X
Hi Jenna
So glad that you and your mum are in a better situation now and that all the authorities are aware of your dad's state of mind.
I don't have any knowledge about financial issues around care homes, but this link might be of help to you.
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/care-homes/paying-for-care-if-you-have-a-partner/
Jenny
The experts will be along to tell you about the finances, I am sure.
I just wanted to thank you for updating us, your experience is different and invaluable, you are an 'insider' as regards your job, the info you got as to not fit for interview is something I hadn't thought of, I hope I never need that information but it is worth knowing.
Suprising how they have all turned around. I hope everything goes on a smoother pathway, keep us all updated, it is important to us all, we are all tied together by this evil, we all move forward shackled at the ankle by dementia.
Good luck and best wishes to your mum.
I just wanted to thank you for updating us, your experience is different and invaluable, you are an 'insider' as regards your job, the info you got as to not fit for interview is something I hadn't thought of, I hope I never need that information but it is worth knowing.
Suprising how they have all turned around. I hope everything goes on a smoother pathway, keep us all updated, it is important to us all, we are all tied together by this evil, we all move forward shackled at the ankle by dementia.
Good luck and best wishes to your mum.
It's really going to depend on if this emergency section becomes a more long term thing, or even, if he went willingly it really is a section at all.
Normally when a person enters a home their state pension and 50% of any private pensions are used to help defray the cost of the home, with the person passing back the remainder of the private pensions to their spouse. When there is a long term section though (2 or 3) the care home fees are payable under something called 117 aftercare.
You know I realise that we are past this point now, but I'm a bit concerned about your sergeants response, helpful though he was. It does rather sound as if he isn't aware of the power that police have to remove a person to a place of safety for their own protection or the protection of others which is why we were advocating calling the police. Not so that your father could be arrested but that he could be removed to a place of safety. Arrest is never the right choice for a person with dementia which is why there are other options.
Normally when a person enters a home their state pension and 50% of any private pensions are used to help defray the cost of the home, with the person passing back the remainder of the private pensions to their spouse. When there is a long term section though (2 or 3) the care home fees are payable under something called 117 aftercare.
You know I realise that we are past this point now, but I'm a bit concerned about your sergeants response, helpful though he was. It does rather sound as if he isn't aware of the power that police have to remove a person to a place of safety for their own protection or the protection of others which is why we were advocating calling the police. Not so that your father could be arrested but that he could be removed to a place of safety. Arrest is never the right choice for a person with dementia which is why there are other options.
We were posting at the same time but I just wanted to say, I think that the "not fit to interview" thing is more than a little of a red-herring. If this man had been removed from his home by the police this should have been done under the mental health act. It's all about removing them to a place of safety.
I suppose as a serving police officer it was inevitable that Jenna should have thought that when we said call the police we were talking about arrest, while of course, as we are coming from the dementia angle we didn't mean that at all. I regret that I didn't make that clear, personally.
Mind has a lot of information about this.
P.S. And we cross posted again.
Hi... Just a quick note on removing someone to a place of safety... Under section 136 mental health act a person can be removed yes to somewhere like a hospital etc however there is a huge but... If they are in their own home you cannot do this, it's against the law. The only way to remove someone is via a section... Even if someone is threatening to kill themselves under s136 u cannot remove u have to persuade but if they refuse your stuck.
Jenna
Actually there is section 135, which allows the police to obtain a warrant to enter a private home if they believe the person is not being taken care of (and you could argue that such violence precludes them being taken care of). And yes, of course a section is an option and this may well be the most appropriate option. Our point really is that when social services or medical personnel fail to take notice of family members they may well respond to police pressure to apply for a section.
My mother was taken from home by a combination of police/ambulance/fireservice several times in her life. Each time she was then in hospital for a long time. The actual time and place of sectioning varied - and on one occasion she was not sectioned.
A section 135 would never be agreed when you can doctors to come out, the mental mental health might all sound good on paper but its a mine field and the police will only do a 136 . Sometimes they bend the rules and get them outside the front door then do it although that's playing with fire. So there was no option for police, arrest would never have been accepted in custody due to medical conditions, and age and that it's not a necessity. Police changed the rules regarding arresting people and its hard to get people through the custody Sargeant,especially in my situation. We talked through all the scenarios and only option was social services.
Jenna
Jenna
We were told this afternoon that he was going to be placed in a carehome for people with dementia, he hasn't been told yet they are going to take him on Wednesday and tell him on the day but I don't think that will go down well.
Jenna
Jenna
