Its been a year in the CH but she doesn't remember any of it...

[Timeout]

This disease completely dumbfounds me at times. Now I know mum has little or no short term memory but its become clear to me that the ability to lay down new memories must have also deserted her a long time ago - far further back than we ever thought.

I collected her from the CH yesterday and brought her out back to my house for lunch. We went around the local shops for an hour but she didn't seem to enjoy it very much and almost from the minute she stepped in my house she started saying that she ought to go & buy food and get on home to her house (where she hasn't lived for a year).

I reassured her over and over that she had plenty of food there and that I'd drop her home later (little white lies are easier) but when we pulled up outside the CH in the afternoon she completely didn't recognise it at all. Nothing seemed familiar to her - she's never been able to picture the CH when she's away from there but normally when you take her back she recognises it straight away. This time she didn't and insisted she didn't live there. She asked how long she'd been there and I gently told her it was a year and she placed her hed in her hands and said she couldnt ever remember being there at all.

To walk away and leave her there was like doing it for the first time all over again....

 

[tomkitten16]

Your post is so sad and I feel for you- this disease is horrendous.Take care Lorraine xx

 

[ellejay]

We had that a while ago. Mum had been to a family "do" and OH & I took her back to the CH afterwards. Like your mum, mine would usually recognise the CH as we approached it but that time she really freaked out.

It was so bad we had to get a carer to come and help us (that was a first). Mum was totally unconvinced. The carer showed mum her name on her door, photos of her taking part in activities in the lounges with all the other residents, everything.

In the end we had to leave with mum saying "Well, I'll stay because you say so, but I don't live here !"

Of course, we felt like we'd abandoned her.

It hasn't happened to that degree since & we put it down to her having been with lots of people at the "do" & she'd maybe got a bit overloaded.

Lin x

 

[marsaday]

This happens to me all the time now but a bit of jollying and distraction along usually gets her in the door, but once Mum ran away up the street and insisted she wasn't going in-thankfully a carer helped calm her down. We both ended up crying. This is definitely one of the hardest things to handle about this disease.

I have had close family members die of cancer and alcoholism and serious illness among my children, both physical and phsycological and I really feel that trying to care for my Mum with this disease is the harder than any of that. It's such a long haul that it's hard to keep going- I certainly feel at times that I can't go on much longer.

I also take my Mum out a lot and it probably adds to the problem but what are you to do when they love getting out so much??

Sympathies
M

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello Timeout, what a heartbreaking situation you found yourself in, I'm so sorry for your mum and you. It must have been very hard for both of you.

Apologies if this suggestion sounds silly, but could you take a photo of the care home for her to carry around with her when she's out with you? Perhaps a few (or a lot) of comments about "when I take you home ..." accompanied by looking at the photo to remind her of what "home" looks like, might help?

Please feel free to ignore if you think it's a daft idea. xx

 

[ellejay]

CG, that is a brilliant idea, I'm going to try that, Thanks

Lin x

 

[CollegeGirl]

CG, that is a brilliant idea, I'm going to try that, Thanks

Lin x

Phew, thank goodness for that! I sometimes wonder if I'm any help at all!

 

[Timeout]

College girl, that really does sound like a great idea - I'll definitely try it.

I think the hardest thing I find in a way is that apart from the complete memory loss she's just like she always was in many ways. Her speech is still excellent and she speaks as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. If a stranger was to spend any time with her at all they wouldnt initially realise anything was wrong with her. She's very compliant and compared to some stories I read on here she's been very easy to manage. Some days I honestly wonder why we even put her in the CH, then moments later she starts a loop of repeating or comes out with something fantastical then reality comes crashing back in and I realise how ill she really is.

I think she's still very good at covering most of it up - I've noticed she doesn't refer to any of us by name now and never asks about other family members. She doesnt seem to understand where everyone is in the family but is clever at not giving the game away. I think she agrees with everything we say because she just can't remember whether what we are saying is correct. Actually, the more I think of it she seems to be getting quieter as she doesn't seem to chat away about anything and everything as before - I guess as she's now just living in the absolute present moment she can't think of much to say. We tend to talk about the weather a lot as that's whats happening right now!

Thanks everyone, its good to talk x

 

[marsaday]

The photo idea was suggested to me but I wondered if it would provoke an argument if you show it to her and remind her that's where she lives and she still doesn't recognise it. I'd be interested to hear how that goes if you try it.

 

[bad daughter]

you've summed it up perfectly!

College girl, that really does sound like a great idea - I'll definitely try it.

I think the hardest thing I find in a way is that apart from the complete memory loss she's just like she always was in many ways. er speech is still excellent and she speaks as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. If a stranger was to spend any time with her at all they wouldnt initially realise anything was wrong with her. x

That's exactly how we all feel and why we agonise over every decision. I guess we haven't quite made the intellectual leap yet