I hate the deception we have to practice, and try to avoid it where possible. I have found that humour is a good thing to try. If you can just get them laughing. My wife is from Yorkshire and I'm from what she calls the soft south. If I try and adopt a Yorkshire accent, it cracks her up. Jokes are also good. She doesn't understand them, but knows she is meant to laugh, so she does. Sometimes when I leave, I feel as if I need a surgical procedure to get the grin off my face.
How do I help my mother settle to living in a nursing home ?
- Thread starter SandieM
- Start date
Thanks for the helpful comments so far - more help needed!
I have just joined and this is my first port of call. I need help as to how I/we (my brother and sister and I) help my mother (aged 91) settle in to what is the best care/nursing home there is around. It's not the closest to any of us, but Mum has always been extremely critical so we thought that a flat in a purpose built home with 24 hour care and lots of activities laid on would the best place for her after a bout of pneumonia left her frail and very confused. She has now been there 6 weeks, and we have had yet another meeting with the managers - she is convinced that no one comes if she rings for help so she doesn't bother and we cannot make her, she rings me instead to complain, argue - you all know what I mean. Yesterday was very bad - she could not finish words, totally confused, but adamant that there are going to be changes. I am certain that her next move will be to stop taking her essential water pills, as she says they rule her life. Everyone including her doctor have explained the consequences but she cannot seem accept the wonderful care being offered. It could be a battle of wills but I will not allow that, I just walk away rather than argue; any ideas much approciated. GTiGranny
I have just joined and this is my first port of call. I need help as to how I/we (my brother and sister and I) help my mother (aged 91) settle in to what is the best care/nursing home there is around. It's not the closest to any of us, but Mum has always been extremely critical so we thought that a flat in a purpose built home with 24 hour care and lots of activities laid on would the best place for her after a bout of pneumonia left her frail and very confused. She has now been there 6 weeks, and we have had yet another meeting with the managers - she is convinced that no one comes if she rings for help so she doesn't bother and we cannot make her, she rings me instead to complain, argue - you all know what I mean. Yesterday was very bad - she could not finish words, totally confused, but adamant that there are going to be changes. I am certain that her next move will be to stop taking her essential water pills, as she says they rule her life. Everyone including her doctor have explained the consequences but she cannot seem accept the wonderful care being offered. It could be a battle of wills but I will not allow that, I just walk away rather than argue; any ideas much approciated. GTiGranny
Oh its devastating to have to leave a loved one in a home, my OH is settling in slightly after a couple of months, even though he does still ask to come home,it's nowhere near as much as it was. I so feel for you all. I still have to sneak out and find it very upsetting to have to do this. Have thought about staying away for a while but just can't do it. I use distraction and little white lies also, as it seems the less cruel option. I was very shocked the other evening when visiting and a little old lady there (who often gets upset about being there)was asking when she could go home. Saying it wasn't her home there, and she wanted her husband, to be told by a carer there that she" wouldn't be going home and this was her home now and she wasn't capable of going home". This seemed a cruel and unnecessary reply, particularly when the carers are supposedly dementia trained and should know that sufferers live in the moment and anything to avoid them becoming more distressed is the way to be. I can't get it out of my head as I'm now thinking she might not be the only one who speaks to the residents there like that and my OH being all upset and alone 
I always take my Mother out of the lounge as soon as I arrive at the care home. In her own room she is much more "at home". After a while it becomes her house, in her mind. She thinks that she lives there alone.
As she has lived on her own since my father died over 30 years ago I think that's why she finds sitting in the communal lounge so unsettling. She cannot understand why she is sharing this room with these strangers.
That's probably why your Mother thinks it's a waiting room Kathleen, that is a rational explanation after all.
I can have a much more relaxed visit with my Mother in her room, or we go out to the garden centre for a couple of hours. If Mum is unsettled when I arrive at least she is calm and content by the time I leave.
It's all trial and error really.
As she has lived on her own since my father died over 30 years ago I think that's why she finds sitting in the communal lounge so unsettling. She cannot understand why she is sharing this room with these strangers.
That's probably why your Mother thinks it's a waiting room Kathleen, that is a rational explanation after all.
I can have a much more relaxed visit with my Mother in her room, or we go out to the garden centre for a couple of hours. If Mum is unsettled when I arrive at least she is calm and content by the time I leave.
It's all trial and error really.
Stressed 51
I have just read your post and am horrified that the career spoke to the resident like that. I would speak to the manager about it as there is no need at all to be upsetting people by being so unfeeling.
That career needs further training.
I have just read your post and am horrified that the career spoke to the resident like that. I would speak to the manager about it as there is no need at all to be upsetting people by being so unfeeling.
That career needs further training.
I agree with 'worried woman'. Report this to the manager and hopefully she'll put a stop to this cruel behaviour.
It may only be a momentary sadness for the resident but there's no excuse for causing that. It's like saying a slap across the face only hurts briefly but no-one would get away with doing that, would they?
Here, we are all trying understand what's going on in our loved-ones minds so the last thing we need is to try and work out the minds of the flippin carers!!!! How do they sleep at night??? Tut.
It may only be a momentary sadness for the resident but there's no excuse for causing that. It's like saying a slap across the face only hurts briefly but no-one would get away with doing that, would they?
Here, we are all trying understand what's going on in our loved-ones minds so the last thing we need is to try and work out the minds of the flippin carers!!!! How do they sleep at night??? Tut.
Had a very tricky visit today so it was helpful to read more responses.
First week Mum seemed somewhat better but today was really difficult. Lots of shouting "I want to die !"
Felt guilty because I didn't visit on Sunday because of the snow. I can't get Mum interested in anything no matter how hard I try.
It was a struggle to persuade her to go to the lounge for lunch. I had to promise I would take her back to her room afterwards. She says she "gets stuck" there and hates it. Clearly after living on her own for years she finds it strange. Also she is deaf which is quite isolating.
The members of staff are very kind but are always very busy. My impression is that they seem to prefer Mum to be in the lounge as she is supposed to be one-to-one. That way they don't have someone completely occupied with her.
I asked a member of staff if it was OK for my Mum to return to her room after lunch and she said "Yes of course" However we had some time together in her room and when I wanted to leave a Care assistant came and said they were sorry could I take her back to the lounge. She had just settled down to a nap. They were very apologetic but didn't have enough staff. I decided to stay until more staff came on duty an hour later.
I had intended to spend just an hour there today, but ended up there for three hours.
Came away not intending to visit tomorrow. However will she be worse again, as I think she will probably end up in the lounge for several hours tomorrow if I don't go to break her monotony.
The carers there have a lovely manner, and I know they do their best to keep Mum safe and comfortable. I would just like to bring a little more happiness into her life.
First week Mum seemed somewhat better but today was really difficult. Lots of shouting "I want to die !"
Felt guilty because I didn't visit on Sunday because of the snow. I can't get Mum interested in anything no matter how hard I try.
It was a struggle to persuade her to go to the lounge for lunch. I had to promise I would take her back to her room afterwards. She says she "gets stuck" there and hates it. Clearly after living on her own for years she finds it strange. Also she is deaf which is quite isolating.
The members of staff are very kind but are always very busy. My impression is that they seem to prefer Mum to be in the lounge as she is supposed to be one-to-one. That way they don't have someone completely occupied with her.
I asked a member of staff if it was OK for my Mum to return to her room after lunch and she said "Yes of course" However we had some time together in her room and when I wanted to leave a Care assistant came and said they were sorry could I take her back to the lounge. She had just settled down to a nap. They were very apologetic but didn't have enough staff. I decided to stay until more staff came on duty an hour later.
I had intended to spend just an hour there today, but ended up there for three hours.
Came away not intending to visit tomorrow. However will she be worse again, as I think she will probably end up in the lounge for several hours tomorrow if I don't go to break her monotony.
The carers there have a lovely manner, and I know they do their best to keep Mum safe and comfortable. I would just like to bring a little more happiness into her life.
Settling in
My mother has been in a nursing home for just over 4 weeks. The unit is so good but she has has difficulty settling (who wouldn't!). At first she thought she was on a cruise, then on a holiday in Spain - these were more contented times. Then she did not really understand where she was.
Mum wanted to go out but I took her for a walk in her wheelchair just around the Unit and this confused her and she wanted to get back to her room. So this did not help her at all.
Things that have helped her include, setting up a photo slide show that just goes round and round 1000's of family photo's and making a book of photo's that she thinks are new every time she looks at them.
Someone on TP mentioned a TV chanel that was of scenery and classical music. This is now on in the living room sometime.
Talking about holidays eg "when we went to Wales" really settles her as she then gets lost in her happy memories.
She used to love Art but this does not help her now. She tried to draw a picture of a blue tit from a magazine but the result- a bird with legs coming out of its head frightened her. Things like this really high light how confused the brain is.
When she said I don't think I will be here long my stomach sank My response ever since is just until you get a bit stronger and at the moment she accepts this.
I did not at first order a daily paper for her as she now cannot read but she got distressed and wanted one. The daily paper was her old routine and now she has one she flicks through the pages, falls asleep, picks up a pen to do the cross word and falls asleep happy!
I tried hard to keep her at home with live in support but in fact this was a stress for her as well all of us. She now looks more content after just 4 weeks in the nursing home even if she does ask when am I going home.
I think when visiting in the early days it is best to have lots of phrases/excuses and see what fits eg when the subsidence is sorted (!) or when you get stronger or when I retire etc. as it is so easy to get caught out and not know what to say in response to when am I going home.
The experiences of everyone on TP really amaze me. So much grief and so much effort, so much good intent, so much worry. It amazes me that until 2012 I just though dementia was loosing a bit of memory. Oh the enormity of it! XX
My mother has been in a nursing home for just over 4 weeks. The unit is so good but she has has difficulty settling (who wouldn't!). At first she thought she was on a cruise, then on a holiday in Spain - these were more contented times. Then she did not really understand where she was.
Mum wanted to go out but I took her for a walk in her wheelchair just around the Unit and this confused her and she wanted to get back to her room. So this did not help her at all.
Things that have helped her include, setting up a photo slide show that just goes round and round 1000's of family photo's and making a book of photo's that she thinks are new every time she looks at them.
Someone on TP mentioned a TV chanel that was of scenery and classical music. This is now on in the living room sometime.
Talking about holidays eg "when we went to Wales" really settles her as she then gets lost in her happy memories.
She used to love Art but this does not help her now. She tried to draw a picture of a blue tit from a magazine but the result- a bird with legs coming out of its head frightened her. Things like this really high light how confused the brain is.
When she said I don't think I will be here long my stomach sank My response ever since is just until you get a bit stronger and at the moment she accepts this.
I did not at first order a daily paper for her as she now cannot read but she got distressed and wanted one. The daily paper was her old routine and now she has one she flicks through the pages, falls asleep, picks up a pen to do the cross word and falls asleep happy!
I tried hard to keep her at home with live in support but in fact this was a stress for her as well all of us. She now looks more content after just 4 weeks in the nursing home even if she does ask when am I going home.
I think when visiting in the early days it is best to have lots of phrases/excuses and see what fits eg when the subsidence is sorted (!) or when you get stronger or when I retire etc. as it is so easy to get caught out and not know what to say in response to when am I going home.
The experiences of everyone on TP really amaze me. So much grief and so much effort, so much good intent, so much worry. It amazes me that until 2012 I just though dementia was loosing a bit of memory. Oh the enormity of it! XX
Had a long chat with the CH named nurse yesterday after I was concerned about my visit to Nanna on Sunday. Looks like she may have a UTI so we'll see.
But I asked what I could do to help. Appreciate this is personal to my Nan but thought it might help someone else. She suggested I take her out for walks in the area, as she feels a bit cooped up, and also that i make her room as homely as possible by bringing in more of her things. I explained every time i bring something in from home it seems to bring up the memories and set her off again, so she said to do it on one big foul swoop and get it over with.
She also said that Nan is probably going through a period of grieving as she realises that she wont be going home.
i cant bring myself to tell her again that its permanent as it really upsets her so i think a few little white lies will be needed about why i need to bring her bits and bobs up for her to look after whilst the builders are in...?
But I asked what I could do to help. Appreciate this is personal to my Nan but thought it might help someone else. She suggested I take her out for walks in the area, as she feels a bit cooped up, and also that i make her room as homely as possible by bringing in more of her things. I explained every time i bring something in from home it seems to bring up the memories and set her off again, so she said to do it on one big foul swoop and get it over with.
She also said that Nan is probably going through a period of grieving as she realises that she wont be going home.
i cant bring myself to tell her again that its permanent as it really upsets her so i think a few little white lies will be needed about why i need to bring her bits and bobs up for her to look after whilst the builders are in...?
Just back from visit. Told her he a few little white lies about needing to bring some of her things from the house so they didnt get damaged. She reacted really well to her 'stuff'. surprised me how well. She forgot WHY i had brought it up, but was happy it was for a good reason.
And then.....drumroll.......she helped me unpack the bags of clothes she keeps packed in case they move her at short notice! I was gobsmacked!
BUT she may well repack them again tomorrow. haha. She definitley doesn't want to stay there.
And then.....drumroll.......she helped me unpack the bags of clothes she keeps packed in case they move her at short notice! I was gobsmacked!
BUT she may well repack them again tomorrow. haha. She definitley doesn't want to stay there.
After 8 months, my mother in law remains unsettled in assisted living
This is my first post ever... but I need help!
My mother in law broke her hip in March 2012. As a result, we spent much more time with her and realized the extent of her dementia. Rather than take her home to her apartment from the Rehab centre, we moved her to a very fine assisted living facility she had looked at in the past. It is the place that most of her card-playing friends moved to when they had to leave her apartment building.
She has not settled. Every day she writes "I want to go home. Take me home." on every piece of paper she can find including calendars, phone books, paper towel and toilet paper using pens, pencils and eyebrow pencils. We receive no less than 50 phone calls each day telling us "She is lost. She doesn't know where she is. She's in the mall...Come and see me. " We have received as many as 122 calls two days in a row and on one of the days, we answered most of them.
Today she said ... "Since her sons won't take her home, she'll call her 94 year old sister (who also has dementia but is not yet in a home)."
I'm really afraid she is going to make a run for it. She doesn't have keys to her old apartment. The apartment has been emptied but one of her grandson's is living in it temporarily until it is sold.
She is obviously very agitated. We took her to the doctor yesterday to run some tests to ensure she has no untreated infections.
Is this just talk? Is there anything we can do to calm her? Is it time for a more secure CH rather than assisted living? Should we tell her the apartment has been sold?
Thanks in advance for your advice ... I'm so worried.
This is my first post ever... but I need help!
My mother in law broke her hip in March 2012. As a result, we spent much more time with her and realized the extent of her dementia. Rather than take her home to her apartment from the Rehab centre, we moved her to a very fine assisted living facility she had looked at in the past. It is the place that most of her card-playing friends moved to when they had to leave her apartment building.
She has not settled. Every day she writes "I want to go home. Take me home." on every piece of paper she can find including calendars, phone books, paper towel and toilet paper using pens, pencils and eyebrow pencils. We receive no less than 50 phone calls each day telling us "She is lost. She doesn't know where she is. She's in the mall...Come and see me. " We have received as many as 122 calls two days in a row and on one of the days, we answered most of them.
Today she said ... "Since her sons won't take her home, she'll call her 94 year old sister (who also has dementia but is not yet in a home)."
I'm really afraid she is going to make a run for it. She doesn't have keys to her old apartment. The apartment has been emptied but one of her grandson's is living in it temporarily until it is sold.
She is obviously very agitated. We took her to the doctor yesterday to run some tests to ensure she has no untreated infections.
Is this just talk? Is there anything we can do to calm her? Is it time for a more secure CH rather than assisted living? Should we tell her the apartment has been sold?
Thanks in advance for your advice ... I'm so worried.
Hello cajr and welcome to TP you sound in a right panic, it must be very worrying for you, perhaps if you start a new thread you will get more responses if you follow this link and click on the, Post new thread, on the left side and copy your post to put on there you will be able get more help from the supportive people on here,
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?25-Support-for-people-with-dementia-and-their-carers
Best Wishes Jeany xx
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?25-Support-for-people-with-dementia-and-their-carers
Best Wishes Jeany xx
