What not to say

[Chemmy]

It's just over two weeks since Mum passed away and her funeral is on Friday. People have been very kind but one comment in particular that more than one has made has upset me more than the others.

"You lost your real mum years ago" with the implication that that should make the loss easier to deal with.

No it doesn't. My dad died in a car accident, so I've experienced both ends of the spectrum, the sudden unexpected death and the long drawn out goodbye.

What I am finding is that I'm not so much grieving for her death, as it was the best thing for her, but for the long lost unhappy years leading up to it.

So to all those who mistakenly think Mum 'died' years (and I don't know why I'm writing this down as they won't be reading it ) - remember, she was STILL my mum. A different one, perhaps, but in the last two years once the aggression had passed, I began to recognise my old mum once again.

 

[Grannie G]

A different one, perhaps, but in the last two years once the aggression had passed, I began to recognise my old mum once again.

I can really identify with this Chemmy.

I `lost` Dhiren when he went through a long aggressive phase, especially when he thought I was the cause of his illness. I`m so grateful to have found him again and so far have had three precious years of the husband I knew pre dementia.

I hope the funeral goes well for you chemmy and you will be able to say a real `Goodbye` to your mother. xx

 

[Saffie]

I can sympahise with this Chemmy. When my mother died some years ago after suffering from AD, my FIL said it was a blessing she had died and she hadn't been my mother for some years. It was as if her death was not important but my mother was a lot more than the person of her latter years.

 

[BeckyJan]

I remember someone saying something similar to me when David died. I brushed it off at the time thinking it was there complete ignorance of the illness and what it does to us.

but for the long lost unhappy years leading up to it.

That is tough, Chemmy. Also for me its now remembering the active, lively and supportive person that once was - that, the lost years and and the finality is very hard to bear. You will do it though but give yourself time.

I hope Friday goes as well as it can.

 

[sunray]

remembering the better times

Chemmy, as time goes by you will remember the better times and be able to laugh as well as to cry. Ray died in Spetember Mum in November so it is till early days for me yet but sometimes I suddenly remember a happy occassion, a joke we shared or one of those happy family days together and I do smile.

It takes a while to get to a happier place and your emotions are still raw so you will be vulnerable to insensitive remarks. Just lean on those who love you and get through the funeral and the weeks ahead as best you can.

(((hugs))) from Sue.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It's simply a clumsy attempt to comfort you. Take the good intention and ignore the rest.

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you Chemmy and wishing you much strength for the day. x

 

[sistermillicent]

Chemmy, it really upsets me when people talk to me about my mum as though she is already dead, she is still here and still is mum even though the relationship is different now. i don;t know how I will feel when she goes but she hasn't gone yet, and I know exactly what you mean about a bit coming back once the aggression has gone.

Don't let others tell you how you feel or what your relationship with your mum was, and I will be thinking of you on Friday.

 

[Chemmy]

It's simply a clumsy attempt to comfort you. Take the good intention and ignore the rest.

I understand it's well meant and 99% of the time I'm OK with it. Just having the occasional wobble this week - it's been a long time between Christmas Eve and funeral. I'll be better, and hopefully firing on all cylinders again, once it's over.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

I understand this, mum still around and at home, people expect us to just dump her in a ch without another thought. Dad and I view her as a human being, we were a great team when they were both well, we will try to keep together as long as poss.

It makes me deeply saddened by those attitudes, if someone said to mum 'don't you look well' she would be so happy, we don't talk about dementia, instead she sits there, ignored or treated as a moron by some of the very rare visitors. She is still my mum.

It makes me so angry.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Just having the occasional wobble this week - it's been a long time between Christmas Eve and funeral. I'll be better, and hopefully firing on all cylinders again, once it's over.

Have all the wobbles you need. Everyone does. I know you'll be firing on all cylinders and firing all cylinders soon.

 

[together]

Dear Chemmy, I lost Mum 2 years ago and only now when I allow myself to truly look back do I realise how long ago I lost her originally to this cruel disease. I feel you sort of lose them twice but only people who have experienced this can understand. Not sure if this helps but I can understand your frustration at people and their comments. It is a double loss. Am sending love and strength to you for Friday. Wobbles will come and go but TP is wonderful at helping us through. Hold onto all those happy memories you find, Love Katherine xx

 

[Haylett]

Sad as it is, demoralising as it can be, dementia did not defeat your Mum in the end Chemmy. Rather, who she was and all that she meant to you, shone through in spite of dementia. I hope that on Friday, everyone honours your mother as the person she always was - the one that was still there, right to the end. Will be thinking of you.

 

[CathT]

I too lost my dear mum on Christmas Eve and it was her funeral yesterday. I have also had similar comments Chemmy. I feel as though I have been grieving for the past two years but the realisation that I will never hear her voice or hold her hand is just as painful and raw as a 'normal' bereavement. I hope the funeral isn't too painful and I will be thinking about you. So sad for your loss. X

 

[turbo]

Hello Chemmy, I will br thinking of you today.


turbo

 

[nellbelles]

Thinking of you today

Love and (((hugs))) Helen x

 

[chris53]

Chemmy, my thoughts have been with you today - on your mums final day - the sun has been out for her special day.
Much love to you and your family
Chris x

 

[chana]

you are so right in how yiou feel. people say things without thinking. my mom died 6 months ago. so many people said the same things to me. yes, my mom was so much different than the mom i grew up with, and i knew what would happen, but when it did, it was 1 of the worst days i can remember.my husband was working on his car, i turned on the comouter to check my emails, and i got a nasty sarcastic email from my sister that my mom died. she didnt even call me. we were having troubles since my mom got sick. we used to be close, but when my mom got sick, she and her husband couldnt waiit to steal everything. theres no millions. its not that and i could have stopped the will, but i let it go. i dont want the money. i want my mom.nobody talks to anybody now. my dad is gone 18 years from cancer. they were good people. their word was enough. you didnt have to write anything down with them.so that day i turned on the computer and screamed when i saw she died. my husband came running and thought someone broke into the house or something, but then he read the email.my son and he got me thru everything. my son is now engaged and im so happy for him. i wish my mom andd dad were here for this, but in their own way i feel they know and approve. i approve. she a lovely girl. i really like her and she likes me a lot. were becoming so clkose, so in the end i think i did ok.please excuse my mistakes. i just had eye surgery and my visioin is still blurred.its a shame what happened because now my son wont even invite her to the wedding for what she did to me.she tried to email me 2 times, but i cantg feel what i did. she doesnt know my son is engaged or that i had surgery.i cant write to her or her husband. i called her husband BROTHER - not BROTHER IN LAW for 40 years and now i cant forgive how he laughed in my face when my mom died.--all for money. this goes on all the time and im not naive enough to think it wont happen to others, but its a shame. when we should be closer terrible things are said and you cant take them back so easily. i know my sister very well. 1 day shell want to be close again, but i dont think i can.i have everything i need. i have a good husband and son and a wedding to look forward to.i just wish my parents lived to see it, but i also feel they know in another way. thats ok because they would be so happy. so i think we just have to realize people are not always what we think and the world is a tough place sometimes. my mom taught me to be strong. she thought i was. i must be. i survived it all and im here. im writing.ill keep writing because my mom taught me to be ME in spite of what others can be like.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Chemmy, I'm so sorry. I think I would be one of those people who might say this or something similar to someone whose loved one had died with dementia, even though my own mam has Alzheimer's.

Struggling for something to say, I may well have said this thinking I was saying something kind.

Having read your post, I realise now how insensitive it would be. Thanks for the warning. I know not to say it, now.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

Hugs x