Struggling really badly.

[PatH]

I havent posted since Donal's death on the 5th april 2012. I thought I had accepted that Donal had suffered enough over the many years of alzheimers and he now deserved to be at peace but sadly thats not the way it has turned out. Over the funeral,wake ,and all the essential arrangements I coped well enough but as time has gone on it's getting worse and worse.
alzheimers was a struggle for both of us but I would prefer to have him to look after than to be here on my own with no sense of purpose. I hate being on my own and yet when Im in company I want to get away and be on my own. I just dont understand my behaviour anymore. Even when a friend asks me to go out for a walk I can actually lie to her to avoid walking. When I go to bed at night I think of the last ten days we sat with him and I try so hard to live every minute of it. As some will know he was in a nursing home very close to where we live and the home was my home over the years so that Icould always be with him. In those years when I was in bed I never remember reaching out in bed to hug him now Im doing it all of the time.
I feel so miserable mentally and physically and im so angry with myself. Ive posted hoping that it will help me understand whats going on. Thanks Pat

 

[hazytron]

Dear Pat.
I would like to reach out to you and hug you gently and offer you reassurance.
What you have described, so well, sounds like utter torment to me, but also, so typical of the pathway of grief.
Have you spoken with your GP? Is your GP sympathetic and understanding of your loss?
Your loss is huge, do not under estimate the void in your life.
I understand and I am sending you love and strength for better times ahead.

Hazel xx

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry to read your sad post. Thinking of you. x

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry Pat.
I imagine trying to live a different life after years with Donal will take a long time. You are bound to reminisce and perhaps see things in a different light but I`m sure under the pressure you were living with at the time you did your very best.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Pat,
I am sorry too. Hopefully it will help you come here and share your feelings. I also found I could cope relatively easily at the time of my husband's death and for the weeks that followed - mainly because keeping busy kept my mind focussed.

Now I seem to have blocked out the dementia years and remember him as a bright, kind intelligent and supportive man. I totally understand about the reaching out for a hug.

Rather like Sunray in her Thread in this section I am trying now to make a new life for myself, accepting the situation and trying to make new friends. It is a struggle at times but our husbands would not wish us to live our lives miserably. One of our daughters wrote in her Christmas card - 'thanks for keeping us tightly together through this year - Dad would be so proud'. I have to live up to that.

Keep in touch and I hope we can help you through this difficult time.
Best wishes

 

[PatH]

Thanks friends ,I have been to the doctor and was offered counselling but the counsellor was a young girl in her thirties and I just couldnt off load to someone who hadnt had the experience of Alzheimers. I know Im likely wrong but thats just how I felt. In the meantime she has prescribed Fluoxetine 20mg which I not sure what its doing for me. Im intellegent enough to know I should not be getting myself into this frame of mind but at the moment I cant get myself motivated to at least make an effort to move on. I do appreciate your support .Patx

 

[Grannie G]

Thankfully I haven`t been in your position Pat but for a while I don`t think there`s any harm in letting your body and mind call the shots.

A few generations ago a full year of mourning was not only accepted but was expected. I have spoken before about `widow`s weeds` , a few months wearing black, then grey, then purple. People in mourning didn`t listen to music or have entertainment and their grief was respected.

Now people seem to be expected to have `got over it` in five minutes and I think it puts pressure on us to present this `happy ` face.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Pat,

It is less than a year since Donal passed away. He has been a major focus of of your life and it is such a shock to suddenly find oneself in this life without the person that made life worthwhile. When a loved one first passes away it is not necessarily about loss of purpose because there is a big purpose - to make the funeral a fitting tribute. There is also a purpose because the paperwork involved has to be completed. When all these things are done we are left with 'what do I do with the rest of my life?'. This is massive especially after a substantial time of marriage or partnership. I found it difficult at my age of nearly 60 and I have known people bereft much older than I was.

It helped me enormously to use Talking Point. It was the only thing I felt able to 'connect' to because everything else had gone. Alan had gone. The carers disappeared the day Alan died. It was a massive void. Even the place of posting on TP seemed threatened because I felt "what can I post about now that Alan is no longer here?".

I have no answers for you Pat but I have had the agony of what it is like to have lost the love and focus of my life. I always said that I loved our life together - even with dementia.

Love

 

[marymary1898]

Had to reply, you sound so lost Pat.

I have never been in your situation either but would agree with pp, be kind to yourself. You need time to recover, both physically & emotionally. One thing that may help is to keep talking, about Donal & how you feel & this would seem an ideal place to do that.

Sending you hugs x

 

[LYN T]

Oh Pat I'm so sorry

I haven't been in you position but it must be terrible for you.

To lose your Husband must be a horrible experience.
I hope you don't think I am being flippant (last thing on my mind I can hear your anguish). Would you consider getting, for example, a dog to keep you company? From my experience it helps to have another being to look after and you have to get out of the house for walks etc? My friend did this when her husband passed away.It gave her a reason to have a new routine, and it helped that she stopped and passed the time of day with other dog walkers who knew nothing of her personal history.

I hope I haven't offended you but I really am at a loss to give you any better advice, and I'm not in anyway telling you to 'move on'.I think that grief, in the long run, is a healing, although difficult, process.It's such a shame that you have to go through it.

I'm sending you many hugs and hope that you find some small comfort in continuing posting.

Love from Lyn T

 

[flowerpot]

Hi Pat, I feel so sad reading your post. Grief affects us all in different ways and needs time. I haven't been through what you have but have and still am dealing with dementia. It's such a long hard journey and no one has the correct answers to any of it. Take your time and don't be rushed into doing anything that you don't feel ready for.

Please post on here as we're all here to listen and offer as much support as you need.

Take care and I'm thinking of you xx

 

[sunray]

Hi Pat

Pat , you have been so kind to so many others during your journey that it is time to feel those soft and gentle hugs we are sending you and know that we do understand. My loss was less than four months ago but I am feeling the slow growth of new thoughts and ideas as I process the grief.

Like Donal Ray was in a nursing home so I had had the experience of living alone, sleeping alone etc. BUT I had also been immersed in being his chief advocate and spending a lot of time at the nursing home so I had never really felt the loss of his presence at home. Now, like you, I do feel the loss of his physical presence.

I am hoping it gets better for you as it gets better for me. I want to rebulid my life but know it is too early yet, a new life needs a good strong foundation, but I am slowly changing things so they are "mine" not "ours". Maybe if you concentrate on that for now?

Sue.

 

[loveahug]

Hi Pat

Fluoxetine is a very mild antidepressant, it's not habit forming and doen't 'scramble' your thought processes, just takes the edge off if you are at a low point. Be your own best friend and go slowly through your grief. The pain doesn't go away but just gets overlaid by the other facets of your life as you slowly rebuild. Sending you lots of love and hugs x

 

[NeverGiveUp]

I lost a close friend some years ago, it was the person I always turned to for support, at the time I don't think either of us would have realised quite how much the connection was. In hindsight, both of our mothers had dementia, neither diagnosed, dementia makes you a different person, it doesn't just destroy it's host. My world fell apart, now, in the distance of years I feel part of a spirit remaining with me, it has added to my being.

When it is mum's time to go, I'm not sure how I will cope, dad and I are with her 24/7 trying to protect her through the dark times. Dementia is evil, cruel and wicked and infects everything around it. When that infection is lifted I don't know how we will deal with it, our lives have been dominated by it for so long. I would like to feel that it will be a transformation of person, when my friend died I was alone for the first time in years and had to re-learn how to make all my own choices without having someone to run to and to tell me it was going to be alright, it was a very dark time in my life.

No-one who hasn't trodden our path, whether the sufferer is spouse or parent, can understand the true nature of the disease. I feel very strongly that there should be someone to talk to who has actually been there, you are right about the inappropriateness of the your lady, dementia does make all of those around it more perceptive to the world.

I think your support is partially here on TP, so many people with so much in common, this forum is a great leveller. I do wonder why the AS doesn't have trained bereavement councellors who have actually been there.

I send you a hug.

 

[PatH]

I really am trying very hard to move forward , Sue ,what I would love most is to at least for one day ,not forget Donal but just to wake up and be motivated for me. Maybe that will come. Have thought about getting a dog but Im scared that I would totally become focused on the dog and then never move on. i am going to try to join a charity shop ,I had rejoined bowls but I ended up being so wound up I had to leave. Im so glad I posted last night I feel relieved that Ive shared my sad thoughts rather than keeping them to myself. Patx

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Don't think me really mad here but as I read your last post something went through my mind, a memory about someone I knew slightly any years ago.

The chap wasn't particularly religious and was not the sort that I would say was spiritual but he told me how he kept his feet on the ground and away from the extreme pressures of his job. Every year he went for a weeks retreat, he then went to the races the week after. Now I have more life experiences I understand what he was doing.

have you thought of going somewhere along the lines of Findhorn? Or somewhere that has a high level of spirituality? Somewhere cleansing where things of the soul might find some order.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Pat,

It sounds as if you have begun because you have posted here and shared with us and also you have the idea of joining a charity shop

Keep talking Pat and let us know how you are and how you get on.

I wish you well with every step you take

Love

 

[chana]

struggling really bady

i am so sorry for your loss and what you are going thru now. my mom died months ago. she died in less than a year after her diagnosis.my dad died from cancer 18 years previously. when my dad died people used to tell my mom she nshould go on already. they were married 50 years.when she told me that i was angry. i told her not to listen to them. theres no timeline on grief. everyone must grieve in their own way in their own time.she asked me HOW DID YOU GET SO SMART? i told her I HAD THE BEST TEACHER. not people tell me the same thing about my mom,. sure it was hard seeing her like she was, but like you i wish she were still here. i have my days and i dont care what people think about it. if i have to cry i do.you cant keep grief bottled up inside.im not going to tell you youll get over it because you dont get over people you love. you go on, but you do have your moments. i see nothing wrong with that.i will tell you youll have your good memories. nobody can take those from you.everyone is differnt and everyone has to grieve in their own way in their own time.if i hqave a bad day, i go with it. tomorrow might be better, but do what you can.what hurt me was maybe a silly thing----i had to have eye surgery. my mom would call 1000tijmes to say GOOD LUCK. after about 50 id say-- MOM, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU CALLED'? she laugh and say DOES IT HURT TO WISH MY DAUGHTERN GOOD LUCK? id say NO, GOOD LUCK NEVER HURTS. well.---this time the phone didnt ring., thats what hurt because it will never ring again. i cried so much because i miss that phone ringing. my husband was great, but i still miss my mom. my eye is healing, but i still think of that phone never ringing. i see little things that remind me of her. i tell you this because i think its impt to grieve. as i said before theres no timeline and people have no right to push you to do whatb youre not ready to do. take your time. do what you can and if you need to cry--do it.its your loss--not theirs. i have no parents left and it hurts. so again my condolences to you and do what you can. dont worry about what you cant do..if you keep your grief inside its worse. i do hope things get easier for you.remember everyone is different. we all need to do what we need to do.