Today I have failed.

[Catfly]

Today I have had to make the decision to put my poor dad into permanent residential care - today I feel like a failure!

I have not taken this decision lightly or quickly. My sensible side tells me it's right, not just for dad but for my mental health and for the sake of family relationships. It's so sad though and I feel so confused, alone and very guilty.

Why is Alzheimers seen as a social care issue? It's surely a health issue, a terminal illness just like cancer but you're not expected to pay for your care with cancer are you? So now I have to enter another nightmare of sorting out finances, perhaps selling property just so a hard working man who never claimed anything his whole life can be cared for.

 

[Smirf]

Oh Catfly what can I say I am sure no-one would consider you being a failure in fact to my mind making the decision you have is very brave and putting your needs high on the agenda is the right thing to do even if it does not seem like it.

I work in social care as well as being a carer for my husband and still don't understand the ins and outs of finances, except to say that cancer patients require medical care where our loved ones need practical care and that makes all the difference. I hope you are able to get the finances sorted without have to sell the family home.

my thought and prayers are with you during this difficult time and sending you big hugs

 

[kingmidas1962]

no, no - you haven't failed! Please don't think that. It does feel like it, I know that - mum and I felt like that when dad went into care but hopefully in time your sensible side will triumph and you will come to terms with having done the very best for him, you and everyone else.

I'm with you about the social/medical thing too - my dad can barely speak, is doubly incontinent, cannot walk without assistance and yet his recent assessment for NHS funding considered his needs to be social, not medical - presumably because he doesn't require masses of 'nursing' (but lots of caring) and hardly any medication.

I hope you come to accept this new chapter in all of your lives, and that your dad settles and is content in his new home xxx

 

[MinnieMouse]

Hi Catfly

I am so sorry for what you are going through, can I just say you have not failed what soever! what an awful decision you have had to make. It takes a lot of courage to make that decision. I have read a lot of positive stories on here when people have had to make the same decision but their Mum or Dad or relative really settle into the care home.
It is unfair that you are now under more stress to sort out the finances and maybe sell the property to fund this. Have you got brothers or sisters who could maybe help you?
Just take one day at a time, and if you need help from close family - tell them. I really hope things get sorted and your Dad settles and that you can have some normality. This site is a great help and I am sure more people with more experience will reply tonight and help you feel a little better, take care, lots of love xxxxxxx

 

[Karjo]

No it is not you who have failed, it's the system. Selling your dads house with all the work and worry it involves on top of the worry re care. Its like an own goal!
I thought this goverment was going to make an announcement today but seems not.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone and its horrible.

 

[Lainey 127]

Hi Catfly,
I've just read your post and wanted to reply. I don't think you've failed at all! You love your dad to bits and have done all you can for him but now it's time for someone else to help. I dread the day when I have to make this decision with my Mum but as my doctor pointed out; they have short bursts of stress, carers have to deal with exhaustion plus guilt and stress 24/7. He also pointed out that for many sufferers and carers alike it can be a huge relief once they're secure somewhere.
Hope it all goes well for you both.

 

[at wits end]

Not failed at all!

You have succeeded in seeing what your dad needs and acting upon it. I made the difficult decision to put gran in a NH five weeks ago today. I hate that she can not live at home. But without someone moving in with her it was never going to work.

I wont say she loves the NH, but she is happier than I have seen her in years because of all the love and attention she gets there. Far more than i could provide even with outside help. And she has gained 4lbs! a big deal in my eyes for a little lady that was forgetting to eat!

Give it time, take each day as it comes, and feel free to come to TP to share it all with us. You are not alone!

 

[sue mac]

We siblings and I had to make the decision of putting my mum into a residential home one week before xmas. She was forgetting to eat, going out not dressed and generally had all the symptoms of dementia. Would the doctor believe us... no... we had to make the decision. it was horrible, I had to do it on my own, my brother and sister, chickening out. However, now she is happier and being fed and look after and weight of every one mind, since we could not look after her ourselves, living in the four corners of the country. However, I feel for you. I have not seen my mum since before xmas and am dreading my first visit this Saturday. The others have been, but I was the one who left her there and feel apprehensive about visiting. I know I have to go and I am taking my son for moral support in the hope that she won't gone "into one" while he is there.

 

[Barney22]

Hi Catfly

I agree with the thoughts of others here....in my view ......you have NOT failed!!!!!

I am a member of an extended family caring for a parent and my view would be that we are in fact failing her by not making this decision.....she is unsafe on her own in my view and simply cannot cope and often says she is lonely and depressed. There is a robust care package in place with care workers and family - but it is failing.

I suspect your heart is breaking having to make this decision, but hopefully heart and head will unite and you will know this decision was for all the right reasons with your love for your dad being the driver behind your decision.

Best regards

Barney

 

[TinaT]

If you have failed (which I know you have not) then thousands of us here on TP have also failed.

We've failed to cope alone with a problem so big it is swallowing us up whole.

We have failed because there is not the help out there to prevent us from failing.

We have failed because this illness is bigger and stronger than us.

Shall we eliminate this word 'fail' altogether and say that we are doing the very best we can to make sure that the person we love and cherish is getting the 24/7 care and security they so desperately need?

xxTinaT

 

[SWMBO1950]

No no no Catfly you have not failed!

What you are doing is because it is the best for your mothers wellbeing and safety and for that you must be applauded.

Dont be so hard on yourself xx

 

[oneloopylady]

Oh, Catfly, I am so sorry that you feel this way, but you have had some great words of advice from people here. You have not failed, you have put your loved one first, and that is all that any of us can do, and yes, the system can seem unfair that it costs so much for people with this awful disease to be cared for, but on the other hand, if they get the best treatment, and they are safe, that has to be worth it.

We are only just starting down this frightening road with my dad, but I know that if ever I think he is unsafe or could be better cared for in a home, I will make that decision for him, because he always made the right decisions for me when I was a child.

Trust your heart - you did the right thing. And just spend that quality time now with your dad, knowing that you had his best interests at heart. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person and made a brave and loving decision.

 

[stanleypj]

Absolutely agree with all the others.

You have not failed!

You, and so many others, have been and are being failed by the system. As you say, there is no reason at all why dementia should be treated differently from other terminal conditions. It's a scandal.

But so many people have reported on here that when they have had to make the same decision as you, they have soon found that it was the right thing to do. I'm sure you will find this too, no matter how hard it is at the moment.

 

[stressed51]

Catfly, you've taken the words right out of my mouth, couldn't agree with you more. I feel exactly the same. Why dementia would ever be treated as it is beggars belief. Get any illness, but get Dementia and you pay for the privelige. No you're not a failure as anyone in the same situation knows exactly what you've been through, and what you're still going through. I'm in the same situation and feel so down and as if I should have tried to keep my OH home, but couldn't. thinking of you x

 

[thats life]

Ialso agree that you have not failed in any way, It annoys me that families are left to provide care the best they can, often reaching breaking point before getting support , people with dementia cant manage self care because they have an illness, when dad had cancer he had weekly visits by DN GP and macmillan N. mother has had AD for 4 years and is seen every 6 months, dad eventually went to a CH he didnt have to pay anything, If mother goes her house will have to be sold and savings used. there is no equallity for dementia suffers.

Never think it is you that has failed.

 

[21citrouilles]

Today I have had to make the decision to put my poor dad into permanent residential care - today I feel like a failure!

Why is Alzheimers seen as a social care issue? It's surely a health issue, a terminal illness just like cancer but you're not expected to pay for your care with cancer are you? So now I have to enter another nightmare of sorting out finances, perhaps selling property just so a hard working man who never claimed anything his whole life can be cared for.

I agree with the others, you have not failed! This disease puts everybody in an impossible situation, where everybody deteriorates. At least in a NH, the carers are on shifts, they're pro and can do the caring.

I agree with you about Alzheimers being a health issue, being a terminal disease. If the brain is being destroyed progressively, that's surely a disease, not a social care issue.

 

[gringo]

Hello Catfly,
I understand how you feel. It’s devastating to find that you have to pass the care of a loved relative to others. It is also a step that many of us have had to take. At some point, for your Father’s benefit, you have to put your feelings to one side. Paradoxically you will find that you are now better able to continue to care for your Father now that the burden is being shared by others.
I hope that your Father settles well and you can find comfort from having taken the best course.

 

[Catfly]

Thanks for your comments

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know I have made the right decision in my head but the heart tells you something else. After 2 years of dad living here with us following mum's death we can no longer cope. I always knew it was going to be difficult, I had no illusions but I never expected the violence and agression from a man who was such a calm and peaceful individual before. His condition is deteriorating so much but physically he is really well so the strength in him is considerable.

Reform around charges has to come though. Alzheimer's has to be seen as a terminal I'll ess and not a social problem. Social care is necessary for people who are lonely, isolated but not necessarily ill. How can they say my dad and others like him are not ill! His brain is dying! If his heart was dying he would be cared for in the NHS. If he had smoked or drunk causing his organs to die he would be cared for in the NHS. He didn't, he was just unfortunate enough to get a "social care" condition.

 

[LYN T]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know I have made the right decision in my head but the heart tells you something else. After 2 years of dad living here with us following mum's death we can no longer cope. I always knew it was going to be difficult, I had no illusions but I never expected the violence and agression from a man who was such a calm and peaceful individual before. His condition is deteriorating so much but physically he is really well so the strength in him is considerable.

Reform around charges has to come though. Alzheimer's has to be seen as a terminal I'll ess and not a social problem. Social care is necessary for people who are lonely, isolated but not necessarily ill. How can they say my dad and others like him are not ill! His brain is dying! If his heart was dying he would be cared for in the NHS. If he had smoked or drunk causing his organs to die he would be cared for in the NHS. He didn't, he was just unfortunate enough to get a "social care" condition.

Hi Catfly

I and everyone else who uses this forum will agree with your comments.

Now! the guilt monster must go away! You have made the correct decision to keep your Dad safe and well cared for.This should be applauded.It's absolutely frightening when the person you are caring for turns violent. My OH was also the most gentle of gentlemen and it's a real shock when this disease turns them into someone you can hardly recognise.

Please give yourself a break. You will still care for your Dad without so many of the stresses.

You will be in my thoughts

Lyn T

 

[SisterAct]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know I have made the right decision in my head but the heart tells you something else. After 2 years of dad living here with us following mum's death we can no longer cope. I always knew it was going to be difficult, I had no illusions but I never expected the violence and agression from a man who was such a calm and peaceful individual before. His condition is deteriorating so much but physically he is really well so the strength in him is considerable.

Reform around charges has to come though. Alzheimer's has to be seen as a terminal I'll ess and not a social problem. Social care is necessary for people who are lonely, isolated but not necessarily ill. How can they say my dad and others like him are not ill! His brain is dying! If his heart was dying he would be cared for in the NHS. If he had smoked or drunk causing his organs to die he would be cared for in the NHS. He didn't, he was just unfortunate enough to get a "social care" condition.

Totally agree with everything that has been written even with your feelings of failure Cathy.

Barb and I have looked after Dad for 8 years (the last 3 in his own home 24/7 between us). We have made the same decision and tomorrow he is having an assessment for a care home.
We are devastated, have huge bags under our eyes from crying and can't look at him without feeling guilty. Dad is end stage now and even the carers coming in have difficulty lifting him and he is getting distressed by it all. We have tried so hard to keep him at home but now have to admit we cannot manage. So the time has come for our hearts to stop ruling our heads.......not easy when we have such a lovely Dad who always said his two main fears in life were getting Alzheimer's and going into a home.....gulp!

The guilty feeling is not one of letting him down, just one of doing something we really don't want to do that is alien to us. Still crying while I write this but coming to terms with what has to be. On a positive note....we will become his daughters again which will be lovely for the rest of his life.

Thankful though for all the support on TP we have had......it really does help from people with experience as some people just do not know what to say. Told my friend and her reply was " you are doing the right thing and you will be able to have a holiday". Well meaning I know but not what you want to hear.

Good luck to all on this journey
Luv
Polly x