I haven't been on here for a while and when I do I always realise how much harder other people's situations are than my own. Especially for those whose partners have dementia. But still...
I do have a problem with anger and resentment and I would appreciate your help.
This is a bit of a stream of consciousness rant so only read on if you can be bothered.
In a nutshell our mum takes up a huge amount of our time and support and we don't resent her anymore for it, far from it. She lives 60 miles away, my sister and I have two young children each. We supported mum (who was diagnosed with AD/VD) in june 2010 for two years on our own until we employed a care agency in may. They started providing live in care in October. However it has rarely not been fraught. Mum is on social services' list of adults needing safeguarding as she asks strange men in if on her own. She is very mobile and very active and all she wants is a man to live with her so her behaviour can be inappropriate although she is still very charming.
Currently the care agency is having major problems and has let us down so we have been supporting mum alone for almost three weeks - today they have said they can no longer provide live in care at all so looks like I will be living with mum from next sunday (meanwhile husband has to deal with our two kids and go to work) while we find another solution.
That's the backdrop. Basically the reason why I'm posting is my partner's parents. They drive me nuts. They have done 6 days worth of childcare in 6 and a half years. This includes the early years when I had a one year old and a three year old and I was supporting mum, having her to stay for 2/3 days a week. They mean well but they do what suits them and they never think to stay in a travel logue when they come and stay with us, it's always staying in our house in our bedroom so me and my partner have to sleep on the floor. They live about 4 hours drive away - 6 if you go the country route which they do.
We have just spent three days at theirs over xmas and I just didn't want to be there. I have spent most of the last two and a half weeks at mum's dealing with one crisis or another (her cold water tank cracked, then the care agency let us down). They are decent well meaning people but they do things their way and they can't help telling you what to do and how to do it whether they are at our house or we are at theirs. Before mum was diagnosed they irritated me but not like now. They tell you how to dry up, they tell you how to deal with your children. On boxing day they had invited friends over and the friends stayed for 9 hours and no one bothered to even tell me these friends were arriving. It's not a case as you might think of us staying and them seeing it as an opportunity to babysit. My partner never asks them to babysit.
I know the root cause of this resentment I have is their lack of offers of childcare when the kids were so young (they are now 3 and 6) and I was dealing with mum. I asked them at the time for help and Ted (partner's dad) made a joke about having them when they were more manageable and I know in my heart of hearts that had I been fully aware of just what a burden dealing with mum and young kids was at that time I would have explained it to them. Of course they have never had to deal with a parent with alzheimers so they don't know. They don't get it. They just made another joke about having been there, done that. Eh, I don't think so. Having kids is nothing like having kids AND dealing with a parent with alzheimers.
I could go on and on but suffice to say my relationship with my partner is now worse than ever as he holds his parents up and sees no flaws but I am a parent to my parent and I now find them and their controlling attitude intolerable.
I can only think it is because caring for a parent or indeed anyone close with dementia actually causes a lot of anger and it gets directed at other people who don't seem to be pulling their weight or who seem to choose not to 'get it'.
My in laws get all worked up about not seeing the kids more but it never occurs to them to offer to come and stay nearby. They go on cruises - admittedly they have worked all their lives and saved up - but it doesn't occur to them. They are happy to sleep in our bed even though I am away every other weekend at mum's (and during the week). I would offer to pay for them if my partner would agree but he won't.
If I were them I would have been offering from early on in mum's diagnosis to do anything to help.They are fit healthy people in their late 60s/early 70s with lots of friends and interests etc. If I were them now I would be offering to do childcare, I would offering to come and stay nearby to help.
Can you tell me if my angry feelings are quite normal or do I need to do some meditation?
I have no angry feelings towards my mum anymore which I am really proud of. We had a difficult relationship all our lives (our dad drowned when we were 13 and I didn't get on with my mum throughout my teens) and I found it very difficult dealing with her around diagnosis and up until recently. She can get very angry and she has led us such a merry dance - we've had the full works over the last two years - and she's only moderate now. But I am proud that I have worked through my feelings and only want the best for her, me and my sister know exactly how to behave these days and we are all so much happier.
I think I am probably being a bit unreasonable and if Mum hadn't been such a huge drain on my life over the last three years I wouldn't expect so much of them.
It's just that I don't want my relationship with my partner particularly to get any worse.
Any calming thoughts appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
I do have a problem with anger and resentment and I would appreciate your help.
This is a bit of a stream of consciousness rant so only read on if you can be bothered.
In a nutshell our mum takes up a huge amount of our time and support and we don't resent her anymore for it, far from it. She lives 60 miles away, my sister and I have two young children each. We supported mum (who was diagnosed with AD/VD) in june 2010 for two years on our own until we employed a care agency in may. They started providing live in care in October. However it has rarely not been fraught. Mum is on social services' list of adults needing safeguarding as she asks strange men in if on her own. She is very mobile and very active and all she wants is a man to live with her so her behaviour can be inappropriate although she is still very charming.
Currently the care agency is having major problems and has let us down so we have been supporting mum alone for almost three weeks - today they have said they can no longer provide live in care at all so looks like I will be living with mum from next sunday (meanwhile husband has to deal with our two kids and go to work) while we find another solution.
That's the backdrop. Basically the reason why I'm posting is my partner's parents. They drive me nuts. They have done 6 days worth of childcare in 6 and a half years. This includes the early years when I had a one year old and a three year old and I was supporting mum, having her to stay for 2/3 days a week. They mean well but they do what suits them and they never think to stay in a travel logue when they come and stay with us, it's always staying in our house in our bedroom so me and my partner have to sleep on the floor. They live about 4 hours drive away - 6 if you go the country route which they do.
We have just spent three days at theirs over xmas and I just didn't want to be there. I have spent most of the last two and a half weeks at mum's dealing with one crisis or another (her cold water tank cracked, then the care agency let us down). They are decent well meaning people but they do things their way and they can't help telling you what to do and how to do it whether they are at our house or we are at theirs. Before mum was diagnosed they irritated me but not like now. They tell you how to dry up, they tell you how to deal with your children. On boxing day they had invited friends over and the friends stayed for 9 hours and no one bothered to even tell me these friends were arriving. It's not a case as you might think of us staying and them seeing it as an opportunity to babysit. My partner never asks them to babysit.
I know the root cause of this resentment I have is their lack of offers of childcare when the kids were so young (they are now 3 and 6) and I was dealing with mum. I asked them at the time for help and Ted (partner's dad) made a joke about having them when they were more manageable and I know in my heart of hearts that had I been fully aware of just what a burden dealing with mum and young kids was at that time I would have explained it to them. Of course they have never had to deal with a parent with alzheimers so they don't know. They don't get it. They just made another joke about having been there, done that. Eh, I don't think so. Having kids is nothing like having kids AND dealing with a parent with alzheimers.
I could go on and on but suffice to say my relationship with my partner is now worse than ever as he holds his parents up and sees no flaws but I am a parent to my parent and I now find them and their controlling attitude intolerable.
I can only think it is because caring for a parent or indeed anyone close with dementia actually causes a lot of anger and it gets directed at other people who don't seem to be pulling their weight or who seem to choose not to 'get it'.
My in laws get all worked up about not seeing the kids more but it never occurs to them to offer to come and stay nearby. They go on cruises - admittedly they have worked all their lives and saved up - but it doesn't occur to them. They are happy to sleep in our bed even though I am away every other weekend at mum's (and during the week). I would offer to pay for them if my partner would agree but he won't.
If I were them I would have been offering from early on in mum's diagnosis to do anything to help.They are fit healthy people in their late 60s/early 70s with lots of friends and interests etc. If I were them now I would be offering to do childcare, I would offering to come and stay nearby to help.
Can you tell me if my angry feelings are quite normal or do I need to do some meditation?
I have no angry feelings towards my mum anymore which I am really proud of. We had a difficult relationship all our lives (our dad drowned when we were 13 and I didn't get on with my mum throughout my teens) and I found it very difficult dealing with her around diagnosis and up until recently. She can get very angry and she has led us such a merry dance - we've had the full works over the last two years - and she's only moderate now. But I am proud that I have worked through my feelings and only want the best for her, me and my sister know exactly how to behave these days and we are all so much happier.
I think I am probably being a bit unreasonable and if Mum hadn't been such a huge drain on my life over the last three years I wouldn't expect so much of them.
It's just that I don't want my relationship with my partner particularly to get any worse.
Any calming thoughts appreciated.
Thanks for listening.