problems with my in-laws and my temper

[mcgradie]

I haven't been on here for a while and when I do I always realise how much harder other people's situations are than my own. Especially for those whose partners have dementia. But still...

I do have a problem with anger and resentment and I would appreciate your help.

This is a bit of a stream of consciousness rant so only read on if you can be bothered.

In a nutshell our mum takes up a huge amount of our time and support and we don't resent her anymore for it, far from it. She lives 60 miles away, my sister and I have two young children each. We supported mum (who was diagnosed with AD/VD) in june 2010 for two years on our own until we employed a care agency in may. They started providing live in care in October. However it has rarely not been fraught. Mum is on social services' list of adults needing safeguarding as she asks strange men in if on her own. She is very mobile and very active and all she wants is a man to live with her so her behaviour can be inappropriate although she is still very charming.

Currently the care agency is having major problems and has let us down so we have been supporting mum alone for almost three weeks - today they have said they can no longer provide live in care at all so looks like I will be living with mum from next sunday (meanwhile husband has to deal with our two kids and go to work) while we find another solution.

That's the backdrop. Basically the reason why I'm posting is my partner's parents. They drive me nuts. They have done 6 days worth of childcare in 6 and a half years. This includes the early years when I had a one year old and a three year old and I was supporting mum, having her to stay for 2/3 days a week. They mean well but they do what suits them and they never think to stay in a travel logue when they come and stay with us, it's always staying in our house in our bedroom so me and my partner have to sleep on the floor. They live about 4 hours drive away - 6 if you go the country route which they do.

We have just spent three days at theirs over xmas and I just didn't want to be there. I have spent most of the last two and a half weeks at mum's dealing with one crisis or another (her cold water tank cracked, then the care agency let us down). They are decent well meaning people but they do things their way and they can't help telling you what to do and how to do it whether they are at our house or we are at theirs. Before mum was diagnosed they irritated me but not like now. They tell you how to dry up, they tell you how to deal with your children. On boxing day they had invited friends over and the friends stayed for 9 hours and no one bothered to even tell me these friends were arriving. It's not a case as you might think of us staying and them seeing it as an opportunity to babysit. My partner never asks them to babysit.

I know the root cause of this resentment I have is their lack of offers of childcare when the kids were so young (they are now 3 and 6) and I was dealing with mum. I asked them at the time for help and Ted (partner's dad) made a joke about having them when they were more manageable and I know in my heart of hearts that had I been fully aware of just what a burden dealing with mum and young kids was at that time I would have explained it to them. Of course they have never had to deal with a parent with alzheimers so they don't know. They don't get it. They just made another joke about having been there, done that. Eh, I don't think so. Having kids is nothing like having kids AND dealing with a parent with alzheimers.

I could go on and on but suffice to say my relationship with my partner is now worse than ever as he holds his parents up and sees no flaws but I am a parent to my parent and I now find them and their controlling attitude intolerable.

I can only think it is because caring for a parent or indeed anyone close with dementia actually causes a lot of anger and it gets directed at other people who don't seem to be pulling their weight or who seem to choose not to 'get it'.

My in laws get all worked up about not seeing the kids more but it never occurs to them to offer to come and stay nearby. They go on cruises - admittedly they have worked all their lives and saved up - but it doesn't occur to them. They are happy to sleep in our bed even though I am away every other weekend at mum's (and during the week). I would offer to pay for them if my partner would agree but he won't.

If I were them I would have been offering from early on in mum's diagnosis to do anything to help.They are fit healthy people in their late 60s/early 70s with lots of friends and interests etc. If I were them now I would be offering to do childcare, I would offering to come and stay nearby to help.

Can you tell me if my angry feelings are quite normal or do I need to do some meditation?

I have no angry feelings towards my mum anymore which I am really proud of. We had a difficult relationship all our lives (our dad drowned when we were 13 and I didn't get on with my mum throughout my teens) and I found it very difficult dealing with her around diagnosis and up until recently. She can get very angry and she has led us such a merry dance - we've had the full works over the last two years - and she's only moderate now. But I am proud that I have worked through my feelings and only want the best for her, me and my sister know exactly how to behave these days and we are all so much happier.

I think I am probably being a bit unreasonable and if Mum hadn't been such a huge drain on my life over the last three years I wouldn't expect so much of them.

It's just that I don't want my relationship with my partner particularly to get any worse.

Any calming thoughts appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

 

[minniemouse01]

I hope you feel a wee bit better having posted how you feel. If I was in your position, I think I would feel the same.

I am a granny, and I always jump at any chance at babysitting. I remember how hard it is bringing up little ones at the best of times. It is such a shame your inlaws can't see how hard it is for you, and offer to help more.

Is there no way your partner could appeal to their better nature ? It is probably thoughtlessness on their part and you are right in thinking that unless you have cared for a relative with Dementia, you really haven't a clue what it entails.

Keep strong, be glad you have a sibling who cares and shares the worry.

thinking of you

M x

 

[Shash7677]

Hi there,

I've read your post, all of it and its a very honest account of what you are dealing with not a rant at all. I hope you feel a bit better for getting it all out.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable where the in laws are concerned. I have 3 children aged 7 1/2, 6 and 20months. Mum was diagnosed in October last year, my daughter was born in April so when mum started having her wandering moments el was about 6 weeks old!

Looking after someone with dementia is a big commitment and so too is having children. I do think your in laws should be helping more. My MIL was all my SIL's children before mum was diagnosed however, as her own mum who was still alive at the time had dementia she was very understanding and pretty much put a hold on having SIL children and allowed me to leave mine with her whenever a crisis erupted. She does however only live 5 minutes away. I have been really lucky on that front.

If you sat down with your OH and said to him that you really needed his parents help, would they come and spend a week at yours whilst you stayed with your mum and sorted out care etc, would be or they agree? That way you could say right you do the school run morning and afternoon in laws so hubby doesn't have to and neither do you. They get the children's and their tea and hubby sorts himself out when he gets home? That way you know the children are being cared for and you can concentrate on mum?? Sounds great in theory I know but it may work????

With regards to your mum I would speak to social services as soon as you can and ask them for a resolution to your problem. Would mum agree to a week or 2 respite whilst you got another care package in place? This would eliviate some of the pressure off you whilst you get sorted and maybe mean the in laws only have to be around for a short while?!?! It's worth a try don't you think? I know when people say respite sometimes we feel like we are packing out loved ones off out of the way but it is a way for everyone to get their heads together and ensure that when mum is home she has a sufficient care package.

With regards to her behaviour towards men I have no idea how to help, I'm so sorry. It could be just a phase she will come out of. The only thing that keeps springing to mind and I'm not making light of the situation by any means and hopefully you will smile, is an episode of Friends. The one where Phobe offers Rachel her life size stand up cut out of Evander Holyfield the boxer when Rachel is pregnant! I'm sorry it's not funny at all but that's all that keeps popping into my head )))) my mum went through a stripping phase! Thankfully that's stopped!

As for people saying they will have the children when they we 'more manageable' I'm sorry but can they explain to me at what age they become manageable!?!! Mine are devils at times, I wouldn't say they are manageable as they are independent children with their own minds much I'd imagine like yours. A 6 year old is at school for 6 hours a day and 3 year olds want to play, build, colour even go for a walk and feed ducks. I don't see what's so hard about that!?!?! Are they just lazy?????

I hope you manage to work things out with your partner, my OH used to get really p'd off with me flying out of the house searching for mum, dragging the kids round, mum and dad spending all weekend every weekend at our house. I just said look, if it were your mum or dad I'd be doing the same thing, I'd be searching, I'd be making sure they were ok, I'd have them round every weekend to take the pressure off the carer in the couple so put up, shut up and go and have a fag! It worked for us as he knows that every word I spoke was true. I would do it for his parents so he can make allowances for the fact that I've had to do it for mum. It wasn't forever, mum as I said was diagnosed October 2011, she went into a psychiatric assessment unit in July 2012 and is now in a NH. I must say things are much more relaxed for dad and I, and for OH and I so maybe a period of respite may be a good thing all round?

Let us know how it all goes, I hope the OH sees that his parents are being plonkers and has a quiet word.

Take care
Sharon

 

[piedwarbler]

I read your post with much interest and huge sympathy. I agree, dealing with small children and a parent with dementia is a nightmare. I've done it. I do see totally why you feel annoyed.
I suppose the platitudes come to mind about "you can't change others, you can only change yourself" and "if you can't change a situation, change the way you think about it." Also, people sometimes find it hard to see how others are dealing with mess in their lives, because they are preoccupied thinking about their own lives.
I mean- is this how your in- laws function - by not seeing how it is for you?

I'm not sure why you are giving up your bed though. What would happen if you refused?

I do think you are coping with all the stress of caring while the impact seems to be totally on you. Does your partner resent you caring for your mum? Does he feel she doesn't deserve your care because of your difficult relationship earlier on? Is this why he holds his parents up to you? Sorry so many questions.

At the end of the day, anger can mask sadness, and it can be destructive, I wonder if you have voiced your anger, or if you're bottling it up?

I hope someone else will be along with better ideas than me but I do send you my best wishes.

 

[mcgradie]

Wow thank you Minniemouse and Sharon you have written such supportive posts and I will read them both several times.

The in laws did do one three-day babysit and one-four day babysit (so actually 7 days in all) in 2011 and 2012 when the kids were 2/5 and 3/nearly 6. Perhaps if I had had a really informed and candid conversation with them then they might have offered and not said 'well we didn't get any help with david and debbie when they were small' as if asking for help is in some way being spoiled.

I have now emailed them with a list of all the school holiday dates and made it clear that they need to contact my partner and their son David to organise coming here to stay or us going to stay with them. I have also told them in the email that when they come to our house to stay i will not be there until the sunday as my bed is very important to me given that i am away from it every other weekend (as I have been for at least 2 years). hint hint. And the other thing is that David is now a confident enough driver and the kids are that bit older for him to take them up to his parents.

It's a shame that my partner, while a lovely man, is very stubborn. He has never pressed his parents to do any babysitting. They did offer to do it when we went away for four nights this year and that was brilliant and much needed. I should also say that they did offer a week before the school summer holiday started to have our two kids for a week which was brilliant until I realised then it was far too late to do this as I had already made arrangements with childcare and seeing mum. I think they offered because suddenly had a gap in their busy lives and it suited them.

If my partner really understood what it is like to be a carer I think he would have asked his parents to do more. Instead he just thinks my angry attitude is totally rude and unreasonable. I know he thought I was rude to his parents this christmas. When we arrived David got annoyed as wanted us to stay for three and a half days and I wanted to go in the morning and I had a bit of an outburst and said he didn't understand what it was like to be a carer and I had just spent 9 out of the last 14 days at mum's. I told his mum I wanted to be at home but I had come because I seem to do what everyone else wants most of the time (whiny teenage moment but sadly quite true).

His parents are also the kind of people who I would not normally want to spend lots of time with because they have very traditional views about the way men and women should behave, and they are casually racist, and they are pretty smug about their very long and successful relationship (for which I probably am jealous on my mum's behalf as she has been lonely for a long time) and if you listen to them it is constant (although innocent) oneupmanship even about the quantity of christmas cards they received this year. That really shouldn't bother me - how petty of me really - but it does.

What I'm really concerned about is not them it's my relationship with my partner. He is part of his parents and an attack on them (obviously not to their faces) is an attack on him. When I see him with them I'm always so glad he didn't out small minded and conservative like them but the way he is. Which is generally very good and caring. Just very very stubborn.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

 

[piedwarbler]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Good on you for taking matters in hand and trying to change things. Keep us posted on how it goes xx

 

[mcgradie]

I read your post with much interest and huge sympathy. I agree, dealing with small children and a parent with dementia is a nightmare. I've done it. I do see totally why you feel annoyed.
I suppose the platitudes come to mind about "you can't change others, you can only change yourself" and "if you can't change a situation, change the way you think about it." Also, people sometimes find it hard to see how others are dealing with mess in their lives, because they are preoccupied thinking about their own lives.
I mean- is this how your in- laws function - by not seeing how it is for you?

I'm not sure why you are giving up your bed though. What would happen if you refused?

I do think you are coping with all the stress of caring while the impact seems to be totally on you. Does your partner resent you caring for your mum? Does he feel she doesn't deserve your care because of your difficult relationship earlier on? Is this why he holds his parents up to you? Sorry so many questions.

At the end of the day, anger can mask sadness, and it can be destructive, I wonder if you have voiced your anger, or if you're bottling it up?

I hope someone else will be along with better ideas than me but I do send you my best wishes.

Thanks also Piedwarbler, I'm sure we have posted before.

I give up my bed because David refuses to ask them to have our daughter's room - they would have her single bed and a mattress on the floor. Why is it so bad to ask them to do this? They are, ok, 75 and 69. But I am 48 and constantly on the go and it is my bed and my space.

I am back at mum's tomorrow this time without the kids so I will be there for three nights. I am glad to be away from david as we are both so angry at each other.

In answer to your questions. My partner david is easily stressed and easily impatient. I am capable of great patience but my great flaw is my temper. Together it's not an ideal combination for a relationship but we have managed to maintain our relationship with many screaming matches on the way (given that I got pregnant 6 wks after we met but that's another story).

If his parents had done more childcare if would mean them having to want to do it and going the extra mile. And his dad is a pain - I'm fond of him in a way but he is so easily stressed and doesn't like driving. of course his mum wouldn't drive (even though she can) becuase she is the lady. She has never been on a train by herself and almost takes pride in that fact. Even though she's feisty and opinionated and always telling you about showdowns she's had with shops and companies when she always comes out the winner.

Ah well...it certainly helps to talk about it.

Thanks...

 

[piedwarbler]

Gosh. Some of what you say sounds so strikingly familiar. !
I'm glad it helps to let it out. X

 

[Shash7677]

Good on you for emailing them! Hopefully they will take note and offer some help. I mean, they are grandparents at the end of the day. My dad, even though he is on his own at home now absolutely loves it when my boys ring him and ask if they can have a sleep over! Again, granted he is 5 mins down the road but still, you can hear the smile on his face when he says 'of course you can!'. The kids as young as they are will remember that nan and grandad didnt spend much time with them, they're very perceptive creatures!

You'll have to keep us posted on what they say. As for OH, maybe a few nights apart will help you both calm down a bit. I've got a lethal temper, I'm fine to a point but push me too far and that's it, light blue touch paper and watch me blow. Hubby has 2 levels, fine or fuming, no Inbetween. The difference between he and I is I will erupt, say what I need to say and then as far as I'm concerned its done. He can shout back and it very often end up in a 'f off', 'no you f off' scenario. You know the 'pack you're bags if you don't like it' kind of ending. Course neither of us mean it, it's par for the course. I slam doors too, something he absolutely hates. 'Dont slam MY doors' he will say and I react like a teenager 'erm I think you'll find I just did!' Lol. Hubby however will stew for hours. What's the point I think to myself, he's wasting all that time with a furrowed brow and I'm offering him a cup of coffee! It's funny how different we all are isn't it.

Maybe a nice meal and a chat would help? Doesn't have to be out, put the kids to bed and get a take away? See if that helps clear the air. I understand I really do how difficult it is with partners and kids and everything that goes on top so you have my up most sympathy.

Take care
Sharon

 

[mcgradie]

The problem is Sharon is that I know my partner and his parents will never ever understand and that is something I have to accept. I have read through the emails I have sent them and I know that they just don't get it. They understand, they say they do, but they don't.

It's just useful to be able to post on the forum from time to time.

Thanks for your suggestions about asking them for help if I have to look after mum. Actually right now it would be counter productive as I have such negative feelings at the moment and I probably need to do some meditation to resolve them.

Our rows sound quite like yours!

 

[piedwarbler]

I've got a meditation called Kindly Thoughts that invites you to choose someone who normally winds you up to meditate over and wish them well. It's challenging for me. Sometimes the bloomin meditation winds me up

 

[jenniferpa]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I have to wonder if rather than meditation, what you really need is mediation, as in couple counseling. Many of your problems seem to stem from the fact that your partner won't stand up to his parents. If he would put himself firmly on your side, I have to think that many of these issues would cease to be issues but fall more in the category of "these people are nuts" and that is so much easier when you and your partner think the same thing.

I do understand, though, that not everyone will subject themselves to this.

 

[Shash7677]

It's so hard isn't it. Unless people have been through caring with someone with dementia they will never ever know what it's like. It does annoy me when people say 'I know what you're going through' as frankly they don't.

You have to do what's right for yourself and your OH. Mine won't say anything to his parents about the fact that his mums always looked after his sisters children but wouldn't look after ours whilst I went to work. Even after I had Ellie she wouldn't just look after her for 10 weeks, she would rather I pay back £1000 maternity pay than look after her. That got my goat, you let them look after SIL new baby if she goes back to work! He may not say anything but I will be.

Take care and if mediation is something you would both consider then maybe it would help otherwise its plugging away and working through your issues much the same as we do.

Take care and keep posting we all sympathise, empathise and can understand what you are dealing with when it comes to mum. We can share stories and moan when it comes to men and in laws ;-)

Sharon

Sharon

 

[mcgradie]

Thanks Jennifer and Sharon and Piedwarbler - if I stop feeling angry for long enough maybe I will be able to talk to my partner about these issues.

Problem is there are loads of little examples of annoyances. Eg on boxing day my MIL telling her friends that it was such a shame because they lived so far away so they didn't get to see the children often, unlike my mum who gets to see them often. Yes, and my mum has dementia, and when I see her I am caring for her. She doesn't live down the road she lives 60 miles away on the motorway. etc.

She just doesn't understand and she never will either.

Thank you anyway.

Sadie

 

[Chemmy]

The last time we visited my MIL, she asked me if my mum was 'any better'. Quite frankly I'd have been less upset if she'd taken her usual stance and not enquired about Mum at all.

However, she did actually top that by having a go at my OH for upsetting her on Christmas Day when he told her gently that my mum had passed away on Christmas Eve. What was he supposed to do? Not mention it had happened?

I put it down to a combination of ignorance, lack of empathy and head in the sand. Let's hope their self-centredness and selfishness doesn't come back and bite them on the bum in years to come when they are in need of help themselves.

 

[Izzy]

Just reading this thread now. It's so sad people are like this.

Take care all. x

 

[Christin]

Hello Macgradie, I am so sorry to read this. Families can be so difficult to understand sometimes, and I often think that laying your cards on the table is a very good thing. It can clear the air and help people to understand each other.

Can I ask if you have had a reply to your email? I wonder if it might be a good idea to follow it up with a visit, once they have had change to read it though. The written word can sometimes be misunderstood.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to visit one of my sons and sleep on the floor, but we do usually stay in B&B as they only have very small apartments with no spare rooms. I wonder if a sofa bed would be a compromise and help at all?

I think you may not like this comment, but in my own opinion, as a mother, I would not want to be causing this much stress for my own family. You say that your mother is very active, and this is something that we had to deal with too. In the early days my FIL was always trying to dash all over the place but as his illness progressed and he began to fall he was often brought home by neighbours, or we would have a call from someone. Many people didn't seem to understand that he could possibly be ill when he was so fit, if you follow me. It was a surprise to me, when he went into care, how people varied so much with their mobility.

Is there any chance you would consider your mum going somewhere for an assessment, possibly leading to permanent care? Have you considered sheltered housing with secure entry and a warden? Could your mum move nearer to your home so that you don't have so far to travel?

I really just want to say that you do not have a duty to care for your mum, especially as you have a young family. Your children need you at home with them. I did care for my FIL and bring up a young family, and to be honest I don't regret it at all, but it was hard and it nearly broke us.

I am not a MIL, I don't have any grandchildren, but to be perfectly honest I wonder if its right to expect your in laws to care for your children, while you care for your mum. Maybe they have been there with their own grandparents, or parents, and don't want to go there again. A good heart to heart chat may help.

My very best wishes to you, Macgradie, you have my biggest sympathies trying to juggle all your family and I really hope you are able to sort something out very soon. xx

 

[Saffie]

I am so sorry that you are having all this aggro about your in-laws when you want to be concentrating on the important things in your life right now, like your mother and your children - not forgetting your relationship with their father. There are people in this world who cna never see things from any perspective other than their own. My daughter's mother-in-law is one such person, so i can understand a lot of how you are feeling. One thing I don't agree with thought, is asking your in-laws to sleep on the floor. Regardless of age, I have always vacated our room with a double bed whenever I have visitors as, to me, that is what being hospitable is all about! Mind you, if I had had in-laws like your's, I might have been driven to make an exception in their case!

I do hope you can reach some agreement with your partner as this seems to be the crux of the matter at present. I also hope that you can sort out the situation regarding care for your mother as this seems imperative. The very best of luck.

 

[wobbly]

Hi, I've been reading your posts and my heart really does go out to you, please don't take this the wrong way but I think you and your partner need to have a sit down and a heart to heart. He needs to know how you feel and how all this affects you, both your Mum being ill and the pressure that puts you under and the way his parents are. If you can get him on side the rest would be easier.....because you need your own life for your sake, your kids sake and your partners sake too. If you need to put so much time and care into Mum then maybe she would be better in the long run being looked after by people who work shifts, get a break and go home and are paid for their work, all of which you do for the love of your mum for nothing....after putting up with all the emotional turmoil at home. This is so hard especially with a young family too and there's never an easy answer but you sooooo deserve more help and support, I know we all think we manage, we do for so long then can't anymore........((((hugs))))

 

[Haylett]

Hi McGradie,

You've had some excellent advice from the others, and I'm just stopping to post because I feel so sympathetic! There are and have been in the past, several parallels between our situation and yours - trying to bring up small children, work and care for someone with dementia; thoughtless and rather selfish inlaws (one of whom later developed dementia and now lives with us - eeks - sorry, don't want to scare you!); and a partner who is fundamentally kind but irascible and in my case, has a tortured relationship with his own mother.

Yes, meditation, yes, anything frankly - not because you need to "mend your ways" but because you need an escape valve! I wasn't rude to my inlaws because I was too timid honestly, but there was plenty I wanted to say! But a thought occurs to me - I wonder if your in-laws are a little afraid that looking after children is beyond them, despite their being a young late 60-mid 70 ish couple. I wonder if their self-praise (long marriage, deluge of Christmas cards) comes from a feeling of being slowly swept into the slipstream of life and a need to reassert themselves. It doesn't help you of course - you need active hands on help and a supportive, understanding partner but they don't put those in Christmas crackers. Not the last time I looked, anyway.

Having a MIL who knew everything, had done everything and had a hissy pitty fit when not able to have her say/get her way - and she was the Uberstumpfdammering of controlling personalities! I discovered that the truth was she had cared very little for her own son but had taken on a nanny as soon as he was born. My luck was that my partner stood up for me. V hard against his mother - but I think that's where you start. A hear to heart with your own partner because your relationship, your real relationship is with him, not his parents. But no good doing it when you're in the thick of it - better when things have calmed down - and if he isn't able to "hear" what you say, could you email him too? Not an angry email, but a measured one. A sort of starter- for- 10 email.

Good luck. Keep posting. You need to let off steam. You've worked through a difficult relationship with your mother and put that in the past, so you can clearly forgive, if not forget, and move on without resentment. I feel you need and deserve more support from your partner even if his parents remain somewhat self-centred.