Is today ever going to end??

bemused1

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Mar 4, 2012
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It has been okay for most of it, oh's daughter popped in for a while. We had a nice dinner but now I cannot wait for oh to go to bed. Normally he's in bed and asleep by 7.30 giving me the evening to recuperate,Today he is just sitting and watching one programme after another on Gold until I could scream at the sound of canned laughter. he hasn't even noticed I'm not in the same room.

Is that awful of me? Perhaps so but its the only way I can cope with the days. I just hope this isn't the shape of things to come. Unfortunately this is a really small house so there isn't another room I can use to get away from it.

I hope evryone has had a good or passable day.
 

Meercat

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Aug 13, 2010
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Take care of yourself Bemused - times like Christmas always put an extra strain on anyone's patience/ability to cope with caring role.

It must be really difficult finding little moments to yourself in a small house - is there anyway you can have a soak in the bath, a read of a magazine in the bedroom.

Take care
 

Big Effort

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Jul 8, 2012
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Hi Bemused,
I so feel for you, I do. Remember this is the disease that is doing that, hours of same old, and not being aware of you there or not......
Mum can be like this. Her concentration and attention are single focus only, so if she is talking she doesn't listen (great recipe for awful conversation!), or if she wants something NOTHING will distract her from her want. One track mind is required when plaque damage is sufficient to make wider attention impossible. The reality hurts to observe, I know.
I know this feeling of revulsion and need to escape the dementia reality.
In psychology there is a 'happiness' state they call the flow. To get into the flow (as he is with Gold), you need to be totally absorbed by something that also requires concentration, and then the size of house, number of rooms, even occupants become secondary.
Cross stitch does it for me (have to concentrate, but can still mull over stuff); or a good novel, or drawing.....
When these situations strike, and the sadness and madness of it all hit home hard so as to pull your mood into your boots, take out your XYZ and get into the 'flow'. It helps to be able to create a more rewarding reality.
Another flow for me is writing my diary. I have a written and pictorial diary where I use images from Google images to illustrate what I am expressing - a picture worth 1000 words and all that. Some day I will put some of my visual diary up here for you and others to see.
I believe it is critical for our own mental health to have 'flow-making' activities, absorbing and rewarding, but not demanding. I hope you can find something and do feed back how you get on. This does work.
Love and hugs and don't sink into that morass, BE
 
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rajahh

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Aug 29, 2008
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Hertfordshire
Hi Bemused. I felt the same way as you earlier. My husband goes to bedearly most nights but like yours he sat through some rubbish. He kept asking me if I wanted it on and each time I said NO. He left it on,. In the end I went into the bedroom to read and lay on my bed.

He did not notice I had gone.

He finally got to bed about 9.p.m. so now I have the room to myself, no TV !!! Wonderful.

Jeannette
 

BrightSide

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Oct 22, 2011
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I feel for you. I have discovered that foam earplugs have saved my sanity on a few occasions. As has my iPad, with earphones, my music and a crossword app.
 

Big Effort

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Jul 8, 2012
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Ahh Rahjah and Bemused,
This is so sad. I do wish it could be different for you. This matters, doesn't it.
Mum has no idea if it is Christmas or New Year, and woke up in a dreadful humour. Not a smile for Christmas, tears, but she didn't know why. This is hard hard hard to face.
Hope the book was a good 'un, Rahjah.
Night now. Hugs again BE
 

creativesarah

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Apr 22, 2010
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Upton Northamptonshire
I seem to have been cooking all day so I am going to slope off to bed (the others are still washing up!)
I had Claire Baldings book as a pressie looking forward to snuggling down with it and a guylian chocolate (just 1)
 

bemused1

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Mar 4, 2012
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Finally bed called and I have had some time to recover my equanimity. So now I feel guilty. Especially when he did go to bed he said ' you don't mind if I go to bed, I feel bad about leaving you on your own' the connection is very tenuous now and it is so hurtful to feel resentment for something he cannot help.

All suggestions gratefully received. Sometimes BE I can escape into a book but there is something about the sound of canned laughter that just gets right under my skin.

Jeanette, I see you had exactly the same situation. It's so hard isn't it.

And so to bed. Tomorrow is another day and it will be different.
 

rajahh

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Aug 29, 2008
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Hertfordshire
Bemused it is the guilt that hits you afterwards isn't it. Like you say about him saying sorry for leaving you alone. Gordon does the same to me after I have helped him to bed I usually sit and we sometimes have a " chat". After a few minutes ( that seem like hours) I say Ok to go now. He says yes sorry I am nearly gone!!! Then I escape and feel guilty too, as I wanted to go all the time.

I seem tolive in this perpetual world of feeling resentful, then feeling guilty.

Wish I could " crack" it.

As you say though tomorrow is another day and it will be dofferent.

Jeannette
 

bemused1

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Mar 4, 2012
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Well today is another day and oh is still asleep. I've been out with the dog and its not raining. So its all good at the moment.

To be honest rajah i don't often feel that resentful because his routine is pretty set and as long as we stick to it, he's ok and so am I. I resent the fact that he now has no idea what goes on in my head and that is really stupid because he has no idea what's happening in his, let alone anyone else's.

I think I'd worked myself up into a fever pitch of anxiety, as you do when you are sole carer and I wanted to stick to doing what we always do. As if that can keep him from harm!

But I still really loathe canned laughter and GOld- Sky have a lot to answer for!!!
 

Big Effort

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Jul 8, 2012
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Hi again Bemused,

I think you are describing feelings that I have too:
All suggestions gratefully received. Sometimes BE I can escape into a book but there is something about the sound of canned laughter that just gets right under my skin.

In my case anything can trigger it. It is when dementia is displayed openly and I feel it is shoved down my throat.

Example today at lunch (Note I am writing a long thread entitled Compassionate Me to try to find compassion and be non-judgmental).

We all love meals where one can graze and help oneself. Olives, carrot sticks, celery, cheese platter, salads, dips......... I had just returned from shopping with about three goodies none of us had ever eaten. I wanted the four of us to taste and discuss. So daughter had a little of a Roquefort cheese dip..... I awaited verdict, and in the meantime Mum had dipped her mucky knife twice right down to bottom of pot, and smeared it all over her tarama salata, and stirred a few olives in to boot. My appetite was gone.

This is not compassionate nor non-judgemental. Damn damn damn. But how do I move beyond this silly, useless reaction? Why do I let displays of dementia get under my skin.

It really is time for me to write a new compassionate me post.
Take care, BE
 

rajahh

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Aug 29, 2008
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Hertfordshire
BE this is where I am too. I absolutely hate it when myhusband shows how bad he is.

SAdly my reaction is to be resentful. Resentful of what I have lost, resentful of what I am having to put up with , and resentful that I have to keep trying to " enter his world" .

Jeannette
 

bemused1

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Mar 4, 2012
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BE that's enough to drive anyone doolally! However hard you try there are some things will get under your skin and personally I think its better to accept that than to try to be perfect. Endless compassion and non judgement are just not in out nature otherwise there would be no wars etc.

Food is perhaps one of the most annoying aspects of dementia- you spend so long learning good manners, developing tastes for the different and then there is someone who recognises neither- hard to tolerate.

Don't beat yourself up, we all have limited capacity for compassion. Loud c***on television will do it for me every time!!!
 

bemused1

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Mar 4, 2012
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BE this is where I am too. I absolutely hate it when myhusband shows how bad he is.

SAdly my reaction is to be resentful. Resentful of what I have lost, resentful of what I am having to put up with , and resentful that I have to keep trying to " enter his world" .

Jeannette

We're all resentful jeanette, it takes our lives as well. We are only human. But you are keeping going with what your husband wants and what many just would not do. resentment is justified I think
 

Big Effort

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Jul 8, 2012
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Phew! I am so glad that you two get how irritated I can get over 'small stuff'.

Rajahh: Thank you. The trigger is exactly that. When I see how bad she is (by bad I mean far gone down the dementia trail).

Bemused:
I think its better to accept that than to try to be perfect. Endless compassion and non judgement are just not in out nature otherwise there would be no wars etc.

You bring up an important point, Bemused. You speak of self-compassion - another field I have to work on. I do beat myself up, have unrealistic expectations etc.

HOWEVER, I am an idealist. I am also following Eastern Philosophy, and I will be damned if I want my primitive animal brain to go on dictating how I think, feel and react. I do believe that we could have world peace, enough to feed us all, cures for dementia etc. But certainly not if we allow our animal brain (fight, freeze or flight) to run our day, our politics, our economy and our health system.

In 2013, I am going to practice diligently until I can overcome this automatic animal-responses ("I don't want to see Mum behave like this, escape escape escape by distracting myself and criticising her either in thought or deed). I want to be free of these useless responses.

Mum has Alzheimers. I offered to be her carer. So learning to understand my animal brain, to calm it, and to use my 'higher intelligence' is part of the journey I want to take.

Sounds odd, I suppose. Yet I know it is the evolutionary step life is shoving down my throat. Cheers and thanks both of you for sharing, BE
 

dramada

Registered User
Nov 12, 2012
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I am afraid I have to do things the other way round. My wife, having no sense of time, always wants to go to bed early, yesterday she wanted to go at 5.30. but she will only sleep for about 6 hours, so the earlier she goes to bed the earlier she gets up.
Some days I get so frustrated I let her go to bed thinking, at last I have a few hours to myself. But then I worry because I know I will be up at 1 or 2 oclock, so I end up going to bed at the same time as that is the only way to get some sleep.
I have recorded the Morcambe and Wise series on Gold as she really loves them so when she wants to go to bed at about 7 o'clock I tempt her with them.
They are driving me up the wall!!! I know every word.!!!!
Still it keeps her up for an hour or 2 and then maybe get up at a more respectable time