I do wish my wife to die.

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
Over the past week there have been many threads about people’s feelings towards their parents or those of their OH's.who have some form of dementia. And I have been struck with the difference there is between that situation and that of people like myself, whose OH's, after a long happy marriage, are affected. The main difference I believe is in our attitude to death.
I am concerned here with those who have been fortunate enough to have had say 50+ years together. Age, both of the carer and the cared is an important factor. At 70+ years, your ability to deal with the effects of dementia are seriously reduced, and your resilience to setbacks dwindles away. I have been told that we older people should count our blessings for having had long married lives. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, that doesn’t cut much ice, when you’re sitting alone in an empty flat, and your wife is in a CH. because you were unable to provide her care. When you have been together for 60+ years separation is almost unbearable.
On other threads, there has been some discussion about death.
For myself death holds no terrors, indeed I would welcome it. But I am very concerned that, were I to go first, my wife would not understand and would be very frightened. She would have nobody to fight her corner and provide her few moments of enjoyment. So, I pray for her to die before me, thus she would not have to face the world without my support. I would rather it was sooner rather than later. I hope that I may be forgiven, but I do wish for my wife to die. She would then be spared the pain and indignities of the later stages of this merciless disease. And so would I, and I could then let go. Our two lives, at the moment are mere existence, no more.
I wish this because of my love for her, I can’t bear to think of her, alone and defenceless without me.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
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Hertfordshire
This is where I am too gringo. although my husband is still at home. His days are only peaceful because of me.

He gets very muddled and takes onboard things he still manages to read in the paper or hears on TV. For example tomorrow is Day Centre. Now he believes that he is going to work and that his job will be to work outside handing out tickets because he read it in the paper!!!!

I havemanaged to calm him a bit and he is now asleepbut I still find it hard to be continually there for him.

My husband has prostate cancer which is active and we have opted for no treatment, but I do worry about his fitire still.

I hope he can remain at home and with the help of MacMillan nurses he may.

I sit in my living room totally alone while he is asleep in his bed. IK pray for him to die sooner rather than later, and then I too will be ready to go.

I do not want to die but like you it holds no terrors for me.

I have only been married for 24 years to Gordon but it is our second marriage and he is 78 and I am nearly 74.

It does not matter how long or how short you have had. You miss the relationship you had and just want this no mans land to have a way out.

Jeannette
 

creativesarah

Registered User
Apr 22, 2010
9,638
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Upton Northamptonshire
what a man of compassion you are

I can fully understand where you are coming from its so hard to watch someone suffering and feel so helplessly unable to make much of an obvious difference

Your love shines through just keep loving her as much as you can

Love is never wasted

and leave it in Gods hands He understands
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,737
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NeverNeverLand
Yes of course, dear people. How can it be otherwise? My father is living in a better place now he has seen my mother safely into the earth. And I profoundly hope and wish my husband dies before he suffers some of the things he might suffer. I wish the same for myself, too.
 

tp18

Registered User
Oct 8, 2012
144
0
Gosh both of those posts are tear jerkers.

I am not religious, but when my FIL was very ill (cancer), my young son, then 4 years old, wanted to go to pray for him. So we went, and we lit an candle and he said a private prayer. I should point out that FIL's family are catholics and although neither myself or my son are, son has taken on board alot of the "ways" of his paternal family.

As my son stood there with his eyes shut and hands together (as small children do), I found myself saying a prayer of my own, and I also filled out a little prayer request, which, as the sign said, would be read out at the 07.30 service on the following morning. I requested that I would be grateful if God would kindly release FIL from his suffering.

FIL died at 07.30 on the following morning.

Coincidence or not, no one mourned his death as such. The family was relieved that he was no longer suffering, and we celebrated his life at his funeral.

The point being, whether I personally care for someone out of a sense of duty (my mother), or whether I said a prayer for someone who I wasn't personally caring for (FIL was in a hospice), sometimes to me at least, it seems that to wish for someone to not have to suffer does not seem to be an uncaring thing to think. In fact to me, it seems like a very caring thing.
 

deedee1

Registered User
Jul 23, 2012
86
0
North London
My mum lives with me and my family i have often had these thoughts obviously because i would rather mum was released from this bloody disease but also because i would like my life back (selfish i know) my uncle (mums brother) passed away earlier this year also a dementia sufferer i sat behind my cousin during the funeral and kept finding myself thinking how lucky he was his nightmare had come to an end and feeling quite jealous (selfish again).
 

Mufti

Registered User
May 11, 2012
107
0
Kent
dying

I found these posts very moving and helpful - my greatest wish is that my partner will die before me -so that i can keep fighting his corner through this system of care but mainly to allow him an escape from the possible indignities he is and will have to face - but I am "no saint" and would really like to have parts of my own life back too. It is a strange situation without any real solution.
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
My FIL is in the late stages of AD. His quality of life is zero: Cannot stand, walk, probably unable to see, has pureed food, cannot talk apart from mumble, and is doubly incontinent.

Whenever he get a cold or something similar I pray that God will take him. As yet my prayers have not been answered so I guess it is not yet his time so the suffering goes on.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
I found these posts very moving and helpful - my greatest wish is that my partner will die before me -so that i can keep fighting his corner through this system of care but mainly to allow him an escape from the possible indignities he is and will have to face - but I am "no saint" and would really like to have parts of my own life back too. It is a strange situation without any real solution.

Oh Mufti

You have very eloquently expressed how I feel.I'm no 'saint' either.I also feel as though I haven't accepted my OH's diagnosis as well as I think I should.I also want 'some' of my life back.The privacy, the time to my self,the normality.The time to read a book, to have lunch with friends. To visit my daughter and grandson free from worrying about when my OH is going to upset the little one by trying to break his toys.All those selfish, shallow little perks which I enjoy.

Take care Lyn T
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
0
I struggle for words Gringo.
But I will say my truth.
I always thought/worried my son would die as a child, now he is a hairy man and I have hit my 50's.
I worry about his life without me in the world to safeguard him.
With my Mam I have no such fear,
well, unless I get hit by an errant motorbike, death could strike us all at anytime,

I share your fear, though it is for a different relationship, it is the same investment of fear.
I hope she goes first too Gringo and peace will be hers and yours, for death is inevitable.
For my quandary, I hope I find the strength to disconnect from my lad and give him a chance to feel life without me before it is a reality without escape.
Life, eh Gringo?
Gwen XXX
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
I feel that the people who have expressed their feelings on this thread are to be highly respected as people with outstanding compassion and care for their loved ones. I am in admiration for you all.

A niggling part of me thinks that you are very lucky to have these feelings of complete and utter love for your partners or whatever relatives you are caring for. I appreciate that means that watching their deterioration is so awful for you all.

I am trying to put this carefully, cos I don't want to diminish the admiration I feel for you all. But there are some of us who cannot give that amount of love, cos the person we are caring for is not as loved or lovable, or in my case the person who will eventually have the responsibility of caring for me, should it be needed, will not have the same sort of feelings towards me. It is not the right thread to post this on, so suffice to say that I am envious of you. Yes envious. I might seem hard to accept, but to experience such love for someone that you put them at the top of your priorities is something you should treasure for as long as you can.

I know it is hard. I know it is draining. But I know you do it cos you love that person.

It seems trite to say "count your blessings", but to be able to help a person that you love is almost a gift.

It might seem hard to understand, but that gift is very precious, and not given to all of us.

Sorry if this has upset anyone. I didn't mean it to. Love to you all. I was trying to say - I am not sure what.

Love to you all.

Margaret
 

beech mount

Registered User
Sep 1, 2008
1,524
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Manchester
Margeret, you have put it very well from you point of view and i for one am not offended. Garnuft, i pity the poor motor cyclist who would try to run you down!
John.
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
“It does not matter how long or how short you have had. You miss the relationship you had and just want this no mans land to have a way out.”
Jeannette, Thank-you for your response, Yes I agree, it is the relationship that trumps all. The only thing is after a very long relationship, you literally lose the ability to function properly on you own.

“Love is never wasted”
creativesarah, How I agree.

“I found these posts very moving and helpful - my greatest wish is that my partner will die before me -so that i can keep fighting his corner through this system of care but mainly to allow him an escape from the possible indignities he is and will have to face - but I am "no saint" and would really like to have parts of my own life back too. It is a strange situation without any real solution.”
Mufti, I also agree with you, I am no saint either, the only difference between us I think is that I do not want to face life on my own.

“I hope she goes first too Gringo and peace will be hers and yours, for death is inevitable.’
Gwen, I enjoy reading your posts. Down to earth honesty. Always refreshing, thank-you. I hope too you find the strength you need to deal with your very difficult problems.

“It seems trite to say "count your blessings", but to be able to help a person that you love is almost a gift.
It might seem hard to understand, but that gift is very precious, and not given to all of us.”
Margaret, You have not offended me. Your point is a good one. At times though I rebel, I have said on other threads that I do not understand how people can talk of a compassionate God. There again perhaps I should be more grateful for the life that we had. We had too much, and now it's been taken away.
"There was music and laughter,we had a good life.
Through this happiness dementia, cut like a knife."
 
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sussexsue

Registered User
Jun 10, 2009
1,527
0
West Sussex
Since entering Dementia World with my mum, I have met many people who are caring for parents or partners. However sad I felt my situation was with my mum, it always seemed 100 times worse for those with partners suffering from dementia.

There is a natural order for parents to go first, and I was lucky that I had my OH and kids to help me care for her. Most of us will have other siblings involved (I know not all :rolleyes: )When she died, for the most part our, lives carried on as normal. But for a partner it is so different. Their other half is their world. They will be dragged down by the illness for many years, putting their own lives on hold, and often ending up with nothing at the end.

This illness is so unfair to everyone involved :(
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
Of course there are in general some differences between looking after an OH and looking after a parent or in-law. But I am always perplexed by people's apparent need to generalise.

There will be people who love their OH and those that don't just as there will be people that love their parent and those that don't. And a whole lot of people in between those two ends of the spectrum.

There will be people who hope that the person they care for will die before them and/or soon for perfectly understandable reasons. But this won't necessarily be influenced by whether the person is an OH or a parent.

The symptoms that the person has may well be a factor, as may the length of time the disease has affected them, the age of the age and health of the carer, etc, etc, etc.

It's perfectly understandable that some people, for all sorts of reasons, will feel as the OP feels.

And some people won't.
 

Pheath

Registered User
Dec 31, 2009
1,094
0
UK
I have to agree with you stanleypj, even though I realise the relationship one has with a partner and a parent is very different and the loss will also be felt in a different way, I can only testify from my own experience that it hurts like hell when a much loved parent is suffering with this terrible disease.
 

tp18

Registered User
Oct 8, 2012
144
0
I have to agree with you stanleypj, even though I realise the relationship one has with a partner and a parent is very different and the loss will also be felt in a different way, I can only testify from my own experience that it hurts like hell when a much loved parent is suffering with this terrible disease.

Its hard to imagine a worse disease really isn't it. For sufferers, to lose the very sense of who you are must be terrifying (if they are indeed aware of what is happening to then, as in the case of my mother).
 

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