Feeling like a burst balloon..prospective care home is horrible

[BrightSide]

Hello all
Dad has VD and AD, mum is 85 and not coping. We have had assesment by local authority, funding application is almost through, and the situation is critical as mums health is not good. Agreed that he requires nursing care, but in a frail elderly unit rather than dementia unit. Dad is just back from a fortnight respite in a wonderful
local authority care home (respite only) , where he is well fed, warm and comfortable but complains that he is 'lonely' and 'bored'. He had more organised daily activity there than at home , where he sits in front of the tv all day. We know he just likes being at home and gets very disoriented when he is out of his own surroundings. He seemed really miserable there although the place is warm, friendly and clean...but he was left a little to his own devices. I was disappointed when I went in every day to find he was on his own in his room, but the carers said he would not sit in the lounge. He has agreed to the suggestion that he go into live in a nursing home but he has to be gently reminded when the subject comes up, it always seems to be the first time we are breaking the news to him. I keep telling him the permanent home will be much nicer than the respite home, as I truly believed it would be. We had pinned our hopes on a very local care home which we had heard wonderful things about - it is walking distance from the house for mum, and we are just waiting for a vacancy. Today, mum and I went to visit...and it is awful. The smell hits you at the front door, it is a huge, modern sprawling building with the frail elderly units on two floors, residents lying moaning on beds and holding out their arms to you as you pass their room, tv' blaring in empty lounges, people wandering the corridors muttering to themselves. (note: this is the frail elderly unit, not the dementia unit.) The respite home was genuinely paradise compared to what we found today and I feel like my hope has been taken away for his happiness, and ours. He will hate this environment, and everytime I go to see him I will get that awful guilt i got when i saw him in respite and will sit crying in the car park because I just feel so sorry for him. I suppose I expected the pictures in the brochure...those happy, smiling well dressed elderly ladies sitting in sunlit rooms laughing up at their sparkly smiling carer. Maybe we just went on a bad day...but oh god, is this how it has to be?

 

[BrightSide]

Sorry for all the typos....on an iPad and it has a mind of its own!

 

[nicoise]

Hello Brightside,

I'm also up at silly o'clock, and couldn't just read your post and run (well, meander slowly) off to bed.

Is this home your only option? Or was it just because you'd heard good things, and it is close and so as convenient as you could hope for?

Do you know anyone who can give you a personal opinion from a relative's point of view? I know some here on TP who will say that the home their relative is in might not look lovely, but the care is good.

I'm sorry that you are worrying about this so late, but it is not surprising. I do hope you can get some sleep xxx

 

[BrightSide]

Thanks nicoise....feel bad for keeping you up! Lol. I'm off to try to sleep now...am lying in bed next to my snoring OH and my mind just will not shut down after today. I just feel so deflated after being so optimistic. It really is our only option. There are two other homes in the area. One doesnt take local authority and is self funding only, and the other is two buses away. Mum doesn't drive now, and I live ten miles away. Also, we have had genuinely glowing reports - from dads local authority care manager, and also from a friend who's father lived there for two years and said he was happy there. I don't know what to think now. I hope, like u say, the care is good. Maybe we need more than one visit to get a true picture of the place, but you know what they say about first impressions....Just thinking out loud I guess...thanks for your concern and off to sleep for us both!

 

[nicoise]

I do remember all too well how shocking my first visit to a secure dementia home was - I had no idea just about the reality of so many people with differing types of challenges would be. The noise, the wandering - the truth of a gathered group of people with dementia rather than just what I was used to with my gentle mum.

And yes, the smell, the disorder of this different normal; I was sad, but they weren't. In fact they were a happy bunch (of sorts), and the staff were warm.

Maybe you will find with another visit that you feel differently. And of course, you would be close enough to keep an eye. But not an easy decision if you are feeling unsure about whether this is the right place.

Let us know how you feel after your next visit night night!!

 

[jan.s]

Hi brightside.

I am sorry to read how ou felt after your first visit. I think it would be worth a second visit, but maybe go and look at other places so you have a comparison.

Sometimes the smell can be strong, if someone has just has an accident, so go back and checkit out. Make a list of good questions to ask, such as the ratio of carers to residents and how much time each spends doing activities in either a small group or on a 1:1 basis.

Good luck.
Jan x

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Brightside

Sorry you are having to make this decision. Not sure how to advise.

When we were looking for places for mum (5 years ago) a smell would have definitely put me off. So we rejected two or three homes for that reason. We found a nice home with no smell, where we believed there would be daily activities. None happened.

Recently my husband's cousin went into a care home. The smell was awful, and yet he never noticed it, and was happy as Larry.

I can't help really. Perhaps the smell doesn't bother the patient as much as it bothers the family. And you have had personal recommendations for this home. That can't be bad. I'd have been distressed if I had seen patients holding out their arms and crying, that certainly didn't happen in mum's home.

I know the home is very convenient for your mum to visit, but most of us are not that lucky. Most of us accept that the care home is going to be some distance away, 10 miles is nothing compared to some, and a bus or train ride, or even a taxi, is accepted my many people.

So don't rush in to choose the first home you see. Have a look at the others. You might find somewhere you are much happier with, although less convenient. But at the end of he day it is dad who is most important, not you or mum.

Much love

Margaret

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Brightside,

Just a suggestion that may help, but if you change your profile to give the general area of the country that you are in then some folks on here might know of some good home in your area and can let you know.

I am sorry that you had a shock when visiting the care home today and it is unfortunate because things like smells that hit you immediately kind of switch off the brain to even considering anything else. I have to say though that our experience was the same as Margaret's in that my mother never noticed any smells and whilst there wasn't a permanent smell of urine etc where she was, obviously folks had accidents from time to time. The other thing that doesn't help of course is the heat in these places. One lesson that we did learn was that very often the things that we considered important, like nice room, en suite, activities, whatever, my mother couldn't have cared about at all. What she was interested in was the attention she got from others, be it carers or other relatives or other residents. Contentment for her seemed to stem from familiarity of the people around her. So it is something that you might want to bear in mind as you go round different places because we certainly found that certain things that were high on our list were probably more for us than they were for my mother.

I hope you find somewhere nice for your dad and that he settles down quickly.

Fiona

 

[Shash7677]

Hi there,

I think the best piece of advice I can give you is what my mums psychiatrist said to me 'the ones that don't look like the Ritz are usually provide the best care'. I don't think I've ever had a truer word said to me.

My mum, 67, AD was discharged into a residential home, it was lovely inside, nice decor, flowers the lot although not in a great area. She had THE most horrendous experience in there and was moved after 5weeks.

Mums new home from the outside looks like a delapadated old house, the decor was not great to say the least and the floor mums on, well quite frankly it stinks! However, the 1st 2lb mum lost in a week has been out back on, she will sit and have a sleep, she will eat, have a bath and is genuinely settled. At her old home she wouldn't enter her room! She paced the corridors day and night and was a terrible mess.

Her new home has been redecorated and the smelly upstairs carpet is to be replaced with laminate. They are getting there, slowly. The staff are far more concerned with caring for their residents than they are making the place look fancy. If someone has taken a few pictures off the wall, so what? If mums happy with a table at the end of the corridor to eat her meals in a big easy chair then that's what they provide.

I know there is a lovely care home near us, costs £1000 a week, 5* it is, but the care is not! I've heard some of the worst stories from there it's untrue.

Mum has a lady who sits in a chair and wails all day, it's part of her condition, 2 of the men on mums floor plus mum are what they class as 'busy people' always wandering, again, it's the condition, one lady constantly cleans the window sills even though there is nothing there to clean, again it's her condition. In my opinion any home that will allow a demtentia patient to be a dementia patient and not expect them to fit the Relms of the norm is a good home. Like the manager said to me, a chap had a shoe on the wrong door and a slipper on the other, they doubt change it as he had put them on himself, he had achieved something, even done his laces. The best part was he had the shoe on the wrong foot as he had a bunion and it was more comfortable for him to wear his shoes that way, like the manager said, he's happy who are we to tell him he is wrong.

I would hold your nose and close your ears, like my mum your dad may settle brilliantly in the home, smells and all. Please don't right it off because it isn't glam, they as I say are usually best.

Take care
Sharon
X

 

[Bodensee]

Hello brightside,

Have a look at this website if you are concerned about the care home in question:

http://www.cqc.org.uk/

 

[BrightSide]

Thank you ALL so much for taking the time and trouble to reply. (Sharon especially for your down to earth sensible advice.) What wonderful comments, and they have put things into perspective. Mum and I had a chat today, and she confided that she too felt a little disappointed after the build up we had about the home - I think we both expected it to feel like it was a real 'home from home'...and it simply didn't. It is a modern, large building and it looks and feels like a hospital. However. I have had a look on the Care Inspectorate website and read all the inspection reports which are all very good indeed - the place scores top marks. The staff were all friendly and smiling. The manager was warm and friendly and seemed like a genuinely nice person. She gave my Mum a little hug as we left.

You know, its not even the smell that bothered me - I totally understand why that happens, the carers cannot be everywhere all the time, and most of the people in there are incontinent I guess. I can't put my finger on what just didn't click. BUT...we are so lucky to have somewhere like this on our doorstep, and I cannot complain. We will do up Dads room with all his pictures and things...and it WILL become home. And, we will take our lead from him, when he moves in, if he isn't happy there then we will have to reconsider our position.

By the way..thinking about what Fiona posted..we are in Aberdeen, so if anyone can recommend a nursing home, I would be very grateful!!!

Thanks all again.
xx

 

[Shash7677]

No problems Brightside. I did worry I had come across all wrong, thankfully not.

Mum couldn't be happier if that's the right word. The 1st thing that struck me when we first got her to the home was the manager and the staff, every person came to us in the dining room 'hi Sandra, cup of tea? Biscuit?', 'hi Sandra, you ok my love?' Every person knew her name and welcomed her it was so warm and loving. There is a lady in mums home and she is beautifully dressed and very well spoken, she couldn't find someone 'oh where could they be?', the home manager said 'come on now let's go and wait for them' when I left he was in one comfy chair, the lady was in another next to him, she was rambling away talking jibberish and the manager was replying and they were laughing away. I thought do you know, if the manager has time to sit and chat and laugh with a resident who has signs of becoming fretful then it can't be a bad place. I've no idea how long he sat with her but he made sure she was relaxed and averted her worrying and fretting. She wasn't looking for anyone it's just her thing but he made it his priority to ensure she was ok and not alone.

I totally understand what you mean about that feeling though. Mums 1st home I hated, met the manager and quite frankly wanted to give her a bit of a slap! Lol. In mums case I was right to be concerned, the home was residential and supposed to specialise in dementia, well that was a laugh in itself. Mum was hit more than once by another resident, they constantly pushed her to have a bath or a shower so she got agitated and annoyed with everyone, they crowded her, nobody had time to sit with her and encourage her to eat and the manager certainly had no intentions of getting a dietician in to prescribe build up Drinks. The whole thing was a 5 week fiasco, if we hadnt got mum moved when we did frankly she would have been dead by Xmas as she would have starved to death!

I'd give the home a try but raise your reaervations with your social worker or CPN, let them know yes you will give it a go but if you are not happy before the 6 week review then you want to be able to meet sooner and have a rethink. Mums 1st home just was not equipt to deal with mums advanced stage AD even though she had been assessed by someone from the home itself and they said 'oh yes she will be fine'. Clearly more bothered about their £800 a week than whether they really could cope! We now have an EMI Nursing home with registered nurses, registered mental nurses and I'm exceptionally lucky as mums new GP is the mum of one of the young girls in my middle sons year at school so I know she is lovely.

I hope everything goes well and dad settles. If its any concellation because mum spends a lot of time in her room and it was all magnolia one of the carers went in one day, grabbed 2 tins of paint and painted mums room for her! It's lovely, nice cushions, pictures up that match the colours and all sorts. They've even put a radio in her room for her and leave it on during the day. Every 15 minutes someone sticks their head in on her and makes sure she is ok. She's made cakes for all the residents, she's had her hair cut even had bloody aromatherapy on her hands and arms to help the collapsed bridges she has and help with her arthritis. I tell ya it may not look like the Ritz but I'm booking myself a room if that's the pampering I can get lol.

Big hugs
Sharon
X

 

[BrightSide]

Lol Sharon, thanks for that, you made me laugh and gave me hope! You are a star x

 

[Shash7677]

Always happy to raise a smile.

You take care and let us know how it goes. I do hope everything goes well but if not, well, you know there's always someone here x x x

 

[dottyd]

Hi brightside.

I am sorry to read how ou felt after your first visit. I think it would be worth a second visit, but maybe go and look at other places so you have a comparison.

Sometimes the smell can be strong, if someone has just has an accident, so go back and checkit out. Make a list of good questions to ask, such as the ratio of carers to residents and how much time each spends doing activities in either a small group or on a 1:1 basis.

Good luck.
Jan x

I buy mum lots of reed diffusers. Her room always smells lovely and she has the bonus of being at the end of the corridor.

I dabble in aromatherapy and always have some essential oils on me. Geranium is a good uplifting one. I rub it along her radiator. I put lavender on her pillow and soft toys.this time of year cinnamon, clove and orange are a lovely combination and are quite cheap. You can buy little pots that attach to radiators or just stuff a piece of gauze with some of the drops on behind the radiator.

Pine and rosemary are quite cheap and smell nice and clean and Christmas tree like.

If you are a regular visitor you can do quite a lot.

 

[dottyd]

Hello brightside,

Have a look at this website if you are concerned about the care home in question:

http://www.cqc.org.uk/

Thank you so much for the website. I didn't know it existed . Pleased to say mums home seems to do ok

 

[JoshuaTree]

To be honest you just never know with care homes.

The first home we chose for Mum was lovely, similar to home, small and the staff very friendly. This home has since come under investigation as it has been found not up to standard. It has failed its recent inspection in all areas of care.

The home Mum was in for the majority of this year looked awful, smelt awful, unkept and the facilities needed an upgrade, but she was ok with it. Unfortunately she was however being neglected and her needs not being met.

My Mum has been in her new home now for nearly a month. It looks like a hotel. fully carpeted. Very nice light and airy, large rooms, wet room and toilet ensuite, tv. has a cinema, a sensory room, proper hairdressers salon, bar area and a cafe.
The lounge is comfortable and there is activities and entertainment everyday.
She is so far thriving there. For Mum it is the right place because she is younger and alot of the others are abled bodied like her and she has for the first time made some friends.

So I say you can never ever tell just by what a place looks like what it'll be like in reality. I think you need to go with your gut instinct.
So bloody hard though isn't it?

 

[longacre]

it is so hard to know isnt it and I really sympathise.

My fathers place was scruffier than my sister and I would have liked (it was EMI and we were self-funding) but we had looked at about 20 places and it was the welcome from the manager and staff, plus the way they interacted with the people there, that made us feel it was right for him. This was a few years ago when neither of us were so well up on dementia / care homes etc. then. His care was great and he didnt seem to notice the woman who wailed all the time. There was one carer he didnt like though and nor did we. She was rough with people and got retired during the time he was in there.

It is really difficult we found to see it through the eyes of the person who is going to be there and not through through our own. And to be honest I still struggle with that a lot of the time. Smells also dod come and go. This morning it was fine at my mothers place. last weekend there was something choice in the air. The lack of fresh air and the heat don't help at this time of year I dont think. I know they need to keep it warm but I so sometimes think a quick blast of air through the whole place wouldnt go amiss...! Again, just my feeling and I am certain not my mothers.

With my mother she didnt need EMI and is in a 'smarter' looking care home which isnt specialist dementia. I think it is right for her but again it is down to the carers. My only tip would be to watch them interact with people, especially around meal times and / or when people are being tricky. You can usually tell quite a lot from that. I have also experienced the hands grabbing out to you as if they had been starved of human contact and / or have been neglected - this morning was an example - whereas in fact I know from having seen them on the way up to my mothers room that the person had actually been siting with a carer only minutes beforehand.

But if you have a bad instinct after a couple of visits then you shouldnt dismiss it. Your gut feeling is important. Go round and look at some others, even if they are a bus ride away which is a real pain for you but if you felt happier then it would reduce the stress on you which might cancel out the more tedious journey...who knows.

 

[garnuft]

I have a son with severe learning difficulties. He is 25.
Whe he was 19 he had to leave the special needs school and go into day care.
I was taken around 4 day centres.
They all smelt of stinky bums, armpits and wee.
They were full of moaning, groaning, scratching their face, banging their head on the wall, lunging at people...people.
I thought I would rather die than send him to any of them.

He went for a visit to each and couldn't decide which one he preferred.

He is used to the smells and sounds of people who are not necessarily in distress, just communicating.
He knows how to interact with people of all abilities, some on the higher IQ spectrum i.e the general public, struggle with him but he can handle people with profound problems and be unphased by them.

The place he goes to often smells of poo but sometimes, often, he is the protagonist.
I would agree with others,
it is the metaphorical smell of the care that counts.
I hope you manage to find somewhere near to your Mum and she can visit as often as she wishes without it being a military plan.
Best wishes,
Gwen X

 

[Margaret W]

I think I could sum up all the replies by saying - not helpful I know - you just can't tell.

Caring and interractive staff is probably the best thing to go on. Smell and other things less so.

Some people are dead lucky, find the ideal place and off they go. We actually preferred a different care home to the one we chose, but they had no places. A couple of years later and that care home closed as a result of a very negative care inspection report, and an inability to recruit sufficient staff.

It ain't easy. You might have to just go with it and get used to it.

Love

Margaret